(Long chapter sry)

It's been an hour and I still have no text from Alex. It's only been an hour, but it feels like it's been ages. I pace back and forth in my room, blasting music into my eardrums. I just can't lose Alex already, I can't.

I try to make friends and I fuck it up on the very first day.

I pull out my friendly razor, locking the bathroom door. This was routine for me, so I didn't really think twice about it.

You. Cut. Hurt. Cut. Alex. Cut.

The pain doesn't even bother me anymore to be entirely honest. I've just done this too much.

"Jack?" my mom's firm voice calls from my room. I roll my eyes, knowing what's coming.

"One second," I holler back. I clean up the blood as quickly as possible, walking out to face my mother, who already is holding my backpack.

"Homework? You'd better not be getting behind on the first day," she warns.

"Mom, it was the first day. I don't have any homework. It was just syllabi and classroom rules," I explain, monotone.

"Don't give me that fucking attitude, Jack," she snaps, dropping my backpack. I notice she also has my phone, and she sees my eyes land on it. "Also, who's this Alex kid? And what is he telling you not to be sorry for?"

Oh my god. He texted me and he's not mad. This is a miracle.

"New friend I made today, I asked something that upset him. Can I have my phone back?" I say quickly.

"You're not gay, are you?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"No, I'm not gay." She stares at me intently before tossing my phone on my bed, walking out of my room as she hears her phone ring downstairs. She's very consumed with work most of the time. I sigh, relieved that she didn't find out I was bi. I know she'd support me, but I'm not allowed to have girls over, meaning I wouldn't be allowed to have boys over, either.

"Hey, Jack, just wanted to tell u not to worry about earlier. It's just a sensitive topic to me. I don't usually tell people this early on, but I lost my brother a few years ago. I'm sorry if I hurt u by getting all shaken up like that. The anxiety of going to a new school on top of that was just a lot"

I smile a little at his text, but it only lasts a split second. I already self-harmed over it. I realized something at this moment, and it was that he could never find out how sad I really was. He needed a good friend, and I couldn't be the friend he needed if I showed him the real me.

"You're all good :)"

Not even Rian knows how depressed I am. He found cuts on my wrist back in freshman year, but I played it off with an excuse that I'd scratched myself helping my dad repair something. I think he only took my excuse because it was kinda specific. Zack and I are close, but not as close as Rian and I are. Therefore, Zack hasn't suspected a thing. I was happy with that, I guess.

I really did need a friend I could open up to, but I'd tried doing that with a girl I knew in middle school. I opened up to her and it was all nice until she started distancing herself from me. I knew it was happening and I knew why she was doing it, so I never confronted her. I vowed to myself that I'd never make myself that vulnerable to someone ever again since that situation ate me up inside.

Alex gives me the same vibe she did. He's innocent and quiet, and he has the nature where you just feel like you can say anything. Being around him is like sitting by a fireplace with some hot cocoa. It's warm and cozy, and you just feel comfortable. The girl gave me the same feeling, but we drifted. I didn't want to lose Alex, too. I didn't want the comfortable feeling to go away.

"So, how are u?"

I wipe away the one tear that had formed in my eye and focus my attention on my screen, laying down.

"As good as I can be considering I've just completed the first out of many days of hell. Wbu"

"Eh, could be better, could be worse. I'm just tired and wanna take a nap but I wanna talk to u at the same time"

"We could FaceTime if u want"

"Yeah actually I'd like that"

My stomach erupts with butterflies for no reason. I never get this nervous to FaceTime my friends. I don't have a crush on Alex, right? I've only known him for a few hours.

My phone lights up with Alex's FaceTime call, and I take a deep breath before accepting it, placing my phone on my nightstand.

"Hi, Jack," he says quietly.

"Hey, Lex," I reply, smiling at him.

He blushes a little, or at least I think he does because he turns away from the screen, hiding his face in his pillow. He turns his head back toward the screen after a few seconds, laying on his side.

"Tell me about your friends," he murmurs.

"Well, there's Rian, he's my best friend. He can look intimidating when he doesn't smile, but he's usually smiling. He's really funny and can always make light of situations. He's good to talk to about anything because he always listens. But don't try to eat his cookies or his brownies."

He giggles a bit, and I feel my face get warm because of how adorable it was. I continue on before he can notice or say anything. "Then, there's Zack. He's more of the quiet one, but the wise one. He's more outgoing when you get to know him, but he's still really shy. He gives the best advice because he doesn't talk much, but when he does, it's worth listening to."

He nods a little, his eyelids starting to flutter. "They sound nice," he mumbles sleepily.

"They are," I assure him. His eyes stay closed, so I don't say anything else. His breathing falls into a steady pattern, confirming that he'd fallen asleep. I watch as his chest rises and falls before my eyes travel to his face. He looks so peaceful and innocent, like nothing in the world was wrong with him.

Maybe I did develop a crush this soon. Alex makes me feel different than anyone else ever has, and that's saying a lot. My eyes are still glued to my screen. Call me creepy, I don't care. Don't even pretend like you wouldn't appreciate seeing a sleeping Alex.

I decide not to end the call, silently doing other things to distract myself until he wakes up. After an hour and a half, he still hasn't woken up, and I start to get bored.

My mind isn't a safe place when I'm bored.

He doesn't like you, Jack. You're just the only one who talked to him today. He'll find other friends. You don't mean anything to him.

My heart starts to beat faster and my breathing escalates. I quickly jump off my bed and rush into my bathroom, closing the door and locking it. I sink to the cold tile floor, my body shaking in the heat of my panic attack. I gasp for oxygen, failing to get any, my chest screaming in pain. I need to breathe. Alex could wake up any second.

But he doesn't care about you.

I get up and splash cold water on my face, calming down my breathing as much as possible. When I finally calm down enough, I look at myself in the mirror, hoping I look normal. I look a bit frazzled, but if Alex asks, I'll just say I fell asleep.

I walk back to my room, sitting down on my bed to see that Alex had stirred, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Did you have a nice nap?" I ask.

He looks a bit startled before he sees that I never left the call, smiling a little. "Yeah, I did. Thanks for not hanging up."

"You're welcome." We sit in an awkward silence before I decide to ask him for advice in the most vague way possible. "I have this friend who goes through panic attacks a lot. I don't really know how to help him, but do you know what I could say to help him?"

He pauses for a second, deep in thought. "Tell them to breathe, remember, it's just chemicals," he says wistfully.

"Yeah... yeah, okay, that's really good advice, thank you."

"No problem. Panic attacks suck."

"I-," I almost told him I knew how it felt, but luckily, I stop myself in time. "I couldn't imagine what it would be like, they look terrible to have to deal with."

"Jack Barakat! Get down here for dinner!" my mom hollers from downstairs.

"Crap, I gotta go, Alex. I'll text you later, okay?"

"Yeah, see ya, Jack. Thanks again."

"You're welcome," I reply, flashing him a smile before hanging up.

-=+=-

"Goodnight, Jack," Alex mumbles.

"Goodnight, Lex," I reply, hanging up. It was now almost midnight, as Alex and I talked for about four hours on FaceTime. I lay down, tossing and turning, before I decide to scroll through social media for awhile. I wasn't tired enough to sleep.

It's soon just after one in the morning, so I click off my phone, putting it on charge. I pull the blankets off of me since the hot August air was filling my room, due to the open window above the side of my bed. I get comfortable, drifting off to sleep after a long and exciting first day of school. Until...

Ring.

My eyes fly open, seeing a FaceTime call. I'm too tired to see who it is, so I just accept it.

"Hello," I mumble. I hear sniffling on the other end and my eyes widen. I sit up to peek at who was on the other side of the screen, and it was no other than Alex. "Holy shit, Lex, are you okay? Talk to me."

"N-nightmare," he chokes out, his body shaking with the force of his sobs. He looked so broken, and I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and let him cry into my shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask. He shakes his head no. "Wanna stay on FaceTime for a bit?" He nods. "Okay, but I'm really tired."

"You can sleep, I j-just need a fr-friend," he says softly.

"I'm here. We'll talk tomorrow, but for now, let's just fall asleep on a call, okay? It'll make you feel better."

"O-okay."

I smile slightly, which he can't see through the darkness on my screen. "Turn off your light, Lex. You need sleep." He nods, clicking off his light.

"Thank you, Jacky."

"You're welcome," I whisper, blushing at the nickname he gave me. He's the cutest thing.

That's the last thought I have before finally surrendering to my slumber.