~Lilly~

I stared out the window, seeing the nighttime lights of downtown Los Angeles pass by me in a blur. I was sitting next to Gabbie in the very back row of the car. Up front in the passenger's seat was Dylan, in the middle two seats were Tommy and Harry, and, of course, next to Gabbie was Noah. I felt bad for Gabbie being squished in the middle, but Gabbie was willing to take one for the team, "the team" being me.

I was still trying to make sense of what had just happened with Justin. I still couldn't process the fact that I might be about to start dating someone again. Well, not "dating", per se. Going out on a date or two doesn't mean you're dating. I was still a little stunned over how fast I had gotten over Matt. I guess if I had gotten past him this easily, the feelings were never really there in the first place. I think I was so upset on the very first day because of the fact that I had been cheated and the shock of that realization. If he had been straight forward about it, I would've been fine. If he would've just broken up with me in a conventional way, we could've talked everything over and I wouldn't have stormed out. Noah also wouldn't have kissed me.

Is that a good or a bad thing? I think. If he hadn't kissed me, nothing would be complicated. I wouldn't be so confused about my feelings for him. I wouldn't be stressing and overthinking every little thing.

Then again, if he hadn't kissed me, I wouldn't have realized that I still had feelings for him. Another debatable good/bad topic.

I was weighing the pros and cons of each side in my head when I suddenly felt my phone buzz with a text message. I glanced down at it and saw the name Noah Mills on the screen. I mentally scolded myself for getting a fluttery feeling when I saw that. I looked up at Noah. He seemed to have been already looking at me, possibly waiting for my reaction or to even just see when the text arrived. I raised my eyebrows questioningly. In the dim, practically flickering light of the passing streetlamps, I was able to see him slightly nod his head towards my phone and give a small shrug. Luckily, Gabbie had been looking down at her phone at the time so she hadn't seen either of us.

I unlocked my phone to read the message.

Noah ~ Hey.

"Hey"? That was it? Not to mention it seemed extremely passive-aggressive, considering he made the effort to put a period at the end of the one word greeting.

Lilly ~ Hi

Noah ~ So, what was that?

Lilly ~ What was what?

Noah ~ Ya know...

Lilly ~ No, I don't

Noah ~ That whole thing with that waiter?

Lilly ~ Justin? What about him?

Noah ~ What happened?

Lilly ~ Well, he asked me out, I said I needed some time to think about it considering what just happened with Matt, and he said alright, just call me whenever.

Lilly ~ So he gave me his number and said whenever I'm ready to go out, to call him.

The small bubble indicating that he was typing kept sporadically appearing and disappearing. I glanced up at him and saw, from the light provided by his phone, that he was staring at his phone and typing, stopping for a few seconds, then deleting everything. Finally, I saw his thumb press send and I felt my phone give a small vibration to alert me of a new message.

Noah ~ Ok

Ok? OK? What does "Ok" mean? Was he just confused about what exactly had happened between us and genuinely wanted to know? I mean, I could see how he could've been confused. I hadn't given much explanation before.

Harry and Gabbie had prodded me to give them details as they flanked me on either side on the way to the car.

"What was that all about?" Harry questioned from my right, a laugh playing at his voice.

"I bet he was just dying to go out with you, right?" Gabbie interrogated, the grin not daring to leave her lips. While Harry was happy not only for me but also for some gossip, Gabbie knew that there was something bigger to be happy about, for her at least. As far as she knew, Noah was the farthest thing from my mind.

However, as they were trying to get me to spill, all I could notice was how Noah kept glancing over at the three of us, solemnly, almost longingly. It was only then that I realized that he had been silent most of the night. He had barely said anything at dinner and hadn't said a word to me at all since I had asked him and Dylan to move my stuff down to my car. He hadn't even said goodbye to me once I left for Gabbie's.

There was only one interaction we had all night. In the middle of dinner, he got up and quietly excused himself. No one paid him much mind, but I did. Not only because of what happened between us, but also because I knew where he was going. After waiting a few seconds to make sure I wasn't suspicious, I got up and followed him out. As I thought, I saw him about to light up a cigarette.

"Hey!" I shouted, obviously startling him. "I thought we agreed that this wasn't going to happen anymore." I plucked the small, rolled up death-tube from his hand and threw it into the trash. Although he tried playing annoyed, I could still see the smile he was trying to hard to conceal. "That's all." I turned on my heel and was about to walk back into the restaurant when I realized he'll probably just light up another one as soon as I go back inside. "Come," I said, holding out my hand.

He raised an eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Guys can be so clueless. I walked back over to him and grabbed his hand. After a second of contemplation, I interlocked our fingers. I looked back up at him and, almost immediately, I saw his cheeks turn a bright cherry red.

I didn't care.

There was something that overtook every other thought in my mind. We walked into the restaurant, our arms swinging at our sides.

I was still pondering the meaning of Noah's last message when I looked up and saw that we were outside Noah and Dylan's apartment building.

~<3~

Since we had all decided beforehand that it would've been easier to spend the night here, we already had worked out the sleeping arrangements: Noah would be in his own room, Tommy and Harry in the guest room, Gabbie and I in Dylan's room, and Dylan on the couch. Of course, we all had in turn offered that Dylan should stay in his own room, but he insisted.

It seemed, though, no matter where I would've slept, I wouldn't have known any sleep that night. After many years of sleepovers, Gabbie and I had shared a bed more than a couple of times, so I knew that she was a very heavy sleeper. This was only reinforced by the fact that she wasn't awoken by my constant tossing and turning. As much as I had tried closing my eyes and forcing the thoughts from my head to clear, all I could think of was Noah.

I decided to go over the course of events—the important ones only—to see if I could sort anything out.

Noah told me he had a crush on me. Then, the next day, I went home—no, that's not that important. Then, the next day, I found out that Matt cheated on me—not that either. Wait, is it?

I sighed at sat up, putting on my glasses. I didn't typically wear them during the day, as I usually wear contacts. They were big black rounded squares with lenses that were at least a half an inch thick. Needless to say, if I didn't have my contacts, I needed them.

I quietly got out of bed and crossed over to Dylan's desk, where Gabbie and I set our things. I turned on the desk lamp, which cast a soft, golden light around the room. I pulled my notebook out of my bag that I had brought here to hold my clothes, not the small pink one I brought to the restaurant. I sat down in the chair and pulled my pen out of the spiral that I always held it in.

My notebook.

The thing that I didn't talk to Dylan over for 2 weeks because he tried to read it.

It was my comfort object, my security blanket. It seemed odd to have something like that as an adult, but it had always been there for me. And it hadn't always been this notebook, in specific. I had multiple notebooks throughout the years. I started my first when I was twelve. It doubled and tripled and quadrupled as my journal, diary, story notebook, poetry book, songwriting book, anything really. Only a handful of people in my life know it exists, them being Gabbie, my parents, Dylan, and... well... really everyone I went to high school with.

So I guess it's not really just a handful.

I never wanted them to find out. It wasn't even my choice that they did.

It wasn't my fault that they did.

It was his.

He is the only other person walking this earth who has seen what's inside my notebook. Not even Dylan or Gabbie has seen it. And I made the mistake of trusting him... before either of them? Wow, I was just really dumb as a teen.

I don't think Noah even knew about this. He and Dylan were somewhere in France when this all happened.

I shook off the memories and opened the notebook to the first fresh page. I uncapped the ballpoint pen and numbered the first line.

1) Noah told me he had a crush on me in high school.
•My world shook with this news, as I had obviously liked him in high school as well.

I thought a little bit more before skipping a line and numbering the second line.

After lines and lines of writing and crossing out, my page finished looked a little something like this:

1) Noah told me he had a crush on me in high school.
•My world shook with this news, as I had obviously liked him in high school as well.
2) Noah tried to kiss me the next day.
•I wasn't expecting this, though I do wish we hadn't been interrupted.
3) I worked out my feelings.
•With some help from Doctor Gabbie, who gave me a diagnosis of Love. The only prescription she gave me was to talk it over with Noah.
4) Noah and I talked.
5) Noah said he was sorry and thought he had overstepped his boundary.
•I felt the exact opposite but couldn't say anything.
6) Noah then sent me mixed messages by saying he didn't regret his attempt.
•We then have this weird stare off, before he abruptly leaves, obviously embarrassed.
7) I get hit on by a waiter and end up getting his number.
8) Noah is obviously upset over something, but won't tell me what and hasn't said a word to me since.
•He then texts me in the car and is noticeably distraught over something but denies it.

I stare at the list and read it over and over before I finally come to a decision. I stand up, turn off the lamp, and silently walked over to the door, grabbing my phone along the way. I soundlessly open it and close it behind me. I then walk across the hall and into Noah's room.