#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 49

"Huy..."

I closed my eyes. I couldn't open them, anyway. They felt so sore.

"Kain ka na... Nag-aalala na si Mama," Kuya said. "Hindi ka pa kumain kahapon..."

I pulled the sheets closer to me. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want to get up. I was feeling so down.

"Imo... Alam mo na kailangan mong pumasok bukas, 'di ba? Kapag hindi ka pumasok, mada-drop ka sa lahat ng course mo."

When I still didn't make an effort to move, Kuya lie down beside me. I just wanted him to go back to QC para 'wag niya na akong istorbohin. Gusto ko lang matulog, kasi baka pagka-gising ko, panaginip lang pala ang lahat. I didn't want to deal with my reality right now...

"Graduating ka na next year. Ngayon ka pa ba magda-drop?"

I knew he was just worried about me, but I seriously couldn't deal with anything right now. Puro si Saint lang ang pumapasok sa isip ko. Kung paano niya ako hindi pinaniwalaan, kung paano niya sinabi sa akin na mas mabuti na itigil na lang daw namin... kasi ano? Ayaw niyang masaktan? Bakit ako, nasasaktan din naman ako pero hindi ako sumusuko. Hindi naman kasi porke ayaw mong masaktan, hindi ka na masasaktan. Hindi porke natatakot ka, iiwasan mo na lang. Bakit ba masyado siyang duwag?

"Alam ko naman na hindi mo talaga gusto 'yung degree mo pero sayang naman kung hindi mo tatapusin."

Akala ko rin magbabago iyong isip niya. Ni hindi ako nakatulog kagabi. Naghintay ako... na bigla siyang tatawag sa akin at sasabihin niya na joke lang. Kasi si Saint naman 'yun, e. Mahilig magbiro...

At saka sabi niya, hindi daw kami maghihiwalay.

Sinungaling.

"Just leave," I croaked.

"Imo naman..."

I tried to contain myself but I couldn't do it. Ang sakit kasi. Akala ko magtatagal pa kami. Akala ko magcecelebrate pa kami ng one year. Akala ko marami pa kaming gagawin na magkasama... puro akala ko lang pala.

"If you didn't ask me to go to Parker, hindi naman 'to mangyayari."

Natigilan si Kuya.

"Kasalanan ko kung mapaghinala 'yang ex mo?"

My heart throbbed at the word ex. 'Yun na lang ba si Saint sa buhay ko? Ex?

"He could've asked you. He could've clarified things. E hindi. And what did that tell you? Na mas naniniwala pa siya sa kung sinong gago man ang nagsend nung picture na 'yun. 'Wag kang manghinayang sa ganong lalaki, Imo. You don't deserve that."

"Saint's not like that! 'Wag mo nga siyang siraan!"

Napaupo ako dahil kay Kuya. Nasasaktan ako. Kahit na ganito iyong nararamdaman ko, Saint didn't deserve to be talked about like that. He's been nothing but wonderful to me... Ako nga siguro iyong may kasalanan. I kept things from him... I should have been more honest.

"Ano ba naman, Imo! Tumigil ka na nga sa kaiiyak! Bakit mo ba iniiyakan 'yun?!" naiinis na sabi ni Kuya.

"E mahal ko nga! Bakit ba hindi mo maintindihan!"

Naiinis na kinuha niya iyong laptop ko at saka binuksan. Pumunta siya sa facebook at sa instagram.

"Tignan mo. Umiiyak ka dito, halos hindi na mabuksan 'yang mata mo sa sobrang maga! Tapos ano ang ginagawa niyang Santo na 'yan?! Nasa Batangas at nasa beach kasama ang best friend niya!" sabi niya.

My lips quivered. He's with Dani?

"He doesn't even look like he's hurting like you are!"

Umiling ako.

"That doesn't prove anything," I said, preventing myself from crying. Wala na akong maiiyak.

"Tignan mo nga 'to nang mabuti, Imogen! He's smiling! Ano pa ba ang kailangan mong makita?! Kahapon lang kayo nagbreak, 'di ba? Tapos ngayon, nakukuha niyang ngumiti sa Batangas habang ikaw dito, halos hikain na sa kakaiyak?!"

Umiling ako. Paulit-ulit.

"Iwanan mo na ako, Kuya. Gusto kong matulog," sabi ko at saka nagtalukbong ng kumot.

He looked at me and then sighed.

"Get to your senses, Imo. Just because he loves you doesn't mean he's not capable of hurting you. Magkaiba 'yun."

At saka niya ibinagsak iyong pinto.

Pinilit kong matulog. Pinilit ko. Pero sa tuwing pipikit ang mga mata ko, agad kong naaalala iyong mga pinakita sa akin ni Kuya... tapos iiyak ako at hindi makakahinga.

It's not possible... Saint wouldn't hurt me like that. Alam ko na nag-away kami... na naghiwalay kami... pero pag-uusapan pa namin 'yun. Hindi pwede na ganon na lang kabilis... Ganon lang ba kadali na kalimutan ako? Na wala pang isang araw?

Iyon lang ba ang halaga ko sa kanya?

Tumayo ako at saka kinuha iyong jacket ko at sinuot. Ni hindi na ako nag-abala na tignan ang itsura ko sa salamin. Mabilis akong bumaba at saka naghanap ng driver. I needed to see it for myself. I needed to see him with Dani. I needed to know kung tama ba si Kuya.

I needed to know that he wasn't worthy of my pain... kasi kung hindi, sigurado ako na hindi ako titigil. I would cry for him endlessly. I would cry for the days we could've spent together.

Tahimik akong naglalakad papunta sa bahay ng mga maid dahil nandun si Manong, nung may nakabangga ako. I looked up only to see Parker in front of me. He was looking at me... probably thinking that I deserved what I was getting. Siguro nga. I dreamt too big. I went too far. Ayokong masaktan ang kahit na sino. I was afraid of hurting anyone. I was too selfish that I ended up hurting them both...

But I tried to mask the pain.

"Excuse me," I said. Nakaharang siya sa dadaanan ko. Hindi siya gumalaw. Nagsisimula na namang tumulo iyong luha ko. "Dadaan ako," sabi ko habang tumulo iyong isang luha. Mabilis ko itong pinunasan.

"Excuse me nga kasi..." sabi ko habang nababasag iyong boses ko.

Hindi siya umalis. Tuluyan na akong umiyak sa harapan niya.

"Padaanin mo ako kung ayaw mo akong makitang umiiyak, Parker," I said, looking up to him. I couldn't even see him clearly. My eyes were clouded with tears. My heart was throbbing in pain. I had never been hurt this badly before. Hindi ako nasaktan nang ganito dahil kay Parker dati... Iyong nararamdaman ko ngayon, parang gusto ko na lang iuntog iyong ulo ko sa pader para makalimutan ko lahat kasi sobrang sakit na.

Sinubukan kong dumaan nung bigla niyang hawakan iyong kamay ko at hatakin ako palabas. He got one of the car keys and dragged me outside. Pumunta kami sa garahe at saka niya pinatunog iyong sasakyan na nakuhanan niya ng susi.

"Get in," he coldly said.

I shot him a glare.

"Why are you doing this? 'Di ba ayaw mo akong makita?"

Hindi siya sumagot. Instead, pilit niya akong pinapasok sa loob. He began driving, ni hindi niya alam kung saan kami pupunta. He was just driving mindlessly. I kept quiet. Tahimik akong nakatingin sa labas ng bintana habang tahimik na tumutulo ang mga luha ko. I didn't know I could cry this much. I didn't know I loved Saint this much para masaktan ako nang ganito.

"You are going to see him," bigla niyang sabi.

"I need to see him," I replied.

"He broke up with you."

"But I'm not done with him yet," I answered. "I'm nowhere done with him. I won't stop hanggang hindi niya pinapakinggan iyong paliwanag ko. I deserve to be heard... wala naman akong ginawang masama."

I'd never stop until he listened to me. I'd bug him if I needed to. It's his fault. He made me love him so much that I wasn't able to let go. I didn't think I would be able to let go... He made me incapable of that.

Parker clenched his jaw.

"If you see him with someone else... would you stop?"

I smiled and shook my head.

"Kahit mukha na akong tanga, hindi ako titigil... kasi mahal ko talaga."

Maybe Parker was my first love... but my feelings for Saint was stronger. That's why I was hurting worse. That's why my heart was breaking little by little.

He didn't reply. He began to drive until we arrived at Batangas. Mapait akong napa-ngiti dahil isa dapat 'to sa pupuntahan namin ni Saint, e.

"Welcome to Club Punta Fuego!" masayang bati nung babae sa amin.

Parker talked to the attendant while my eyes were busy looking for Saint. He's here. I saw it in Dani's pictures. I braved the pain para lang malaman ko kung nasaan si Saint. I needed to see him now. I needed to talk to him. I needed to explain.

"Parker," I said. "Can you... stay in the car. I need to talk to Saint... and seeing you with me might give him the wrong idea."

I knew I was hurting him with what I was saying. Pero sabi ni Papa, hindi daw pwede na wala akong masasaktan... and I chose to save Saint. He's the one I didn't want to hurt.

"I'm sorry," I said to him. He didn't say anything. Pumasok na ako sa loob.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimulang hanapin si Saint. But I needed to find him. Hinanap ko siya sa bawat sulok ng lugar na 'to hanggang sa makita ko siya na naglalakad sa gilid ng beach. And I was about to approach him when Dani arrived. She saw me... but she only smiled.

"Here," Dani said tapos inabutan siya ng inumin. "Is she still calling you?"

Saint looked at his phone. Kanina ko pa siya tinatawagan. Hawak niya iyong cellphone niya pero ni hindi man lang niya nagawang magreply sa kahit isa sa mga text ko...

"If she talks to you... will you forgive her?"

Why was Dani doing this to me? Was she hurting me on purpose?

"I don't know," Saint replied.

"Do you think... she really slept with Parker?"

Tumulo iyong luha ko.

"I don't really want to talk about this, Dani."

"I'm sorry. Gusto ko lang naman na magsalita ka kaysa sa kimkimin mo lahat."

"Thanks, but I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. I'm here to breathe."

Dani cupped his face and smiled at him. Magbest friends lang ba talaga sila?

"And I'm here for you... always, remember?"

Saint nodded.

"I'll forgive you for choosing her over me before. But don't ever do it again, Saint. Don't ever choose some girl over me. I've been with you for so long... I know you better than most people..." she said as she caressed her cheeks. She shot me a look and smiled. "You'll get over her. I'll help you."

And she leaned in to kiss him. I turned around. I didn't need to see it.

Mabilis akong tumakbo paalis pero bigla akong nadapa. Nakita ako ni Saint.

"Mary."

My knee was scraped when I hit a rock but I forced myself to stand up. I faced him habang pinupunasan iyong luha ko.

"I'm sorry I went all the way here to talk to you. Bayaan mo, hindi na mauulit," sabi ko at saka pinilit na ngumiti. "Thank you for everything, Saint. Pero siguro nga hanggang dito na lang. Tama ka... Iligtas na natin 'yung sarili natin hanggang pwede pa."

Kasi alam ko na malapit na akong tuluyang masira.

As the sun began to set behind us, it felt like the end of an era. Hanggang dito na lang talaga siguro. Ganito lang talaga siguro.

"Pero gusto ko lang malaman... si Dani ba 'yung nagsend ng picture?"

Saint was looking at me. He didn't need to say anything. Alam ko. Si Dani iyong nagsabi sa kanya.

"Do you believe her more than me?"

I stayed. Until he said a word. Because that was my last straw. Akala ko kaya kong magmukhang tanga para sa kanya... Hindi pala. Kagaya ng pagsisinungaling niya sa akin nung sinabi niya na kami lang.

"She never lied to me like you did."

And that was my cue. I didn't need him in my life anymore.

Mabilis ko siyang iniwan at naglakad palabas. Tears kept on flowing. I let myself cry because I promised that this was my last. Hindi ko na ulit siya iiyakan. He didn't deserve my pain and my tears. He didn't deserve my love kung ni wala siyang tiwala sa akin.

"Let's go home," I told Parker. "Don't look at me like you pity me."

He looked at me.

"Let's run away," he said.