#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 35 

My forehead was in a permanent state of crease when I saw Parker's name. It had been a month already. Isang buwan na wala siyang paramdam. Ni ha, ni ho, wala talaga. Tapos ngayon... ito? And of all things he could like, iyon picture pa talaga namin ni Saint? Something was weird. Lahat na lang ng tao sa paligid ko ay mayroong kakaiba... I wanted to ask them but I didn't want to push them. I knew that they have problems of their own so I wanted to give them as much time and space. But I was really worried. I just wanted them to be fine, kung anuman ang ginagawa nila.

I clicked his name until I was redirected to his profile. Wala namang bago. Iyong latest post sa wall niya ay noong isang buwan pa... But to return the favor, I liked his latest post—which was a quotation related to soccer. Para lang naman malaman niya na ayos na kami. A month had passed already and it seemed like he was already working on bettering himself. Iyon lang naman kasi ang gusto ko. I wanted him to admit that what he did was wrong... and what he asked from me was wrong. Why would he ask me to choose him when all of his life, I was never an option? It was too unfair.

And I like Saint. And I am happy with him. Bakit hindi makita ni Parker iyon?

But I guessed that everything's fine now. He already said his apology to Cindy and he's working on his life now. And since he liked my post, I would take it na okay na siya kay Saint... I was happy for him.

After that, I stayed true to what I told Saint. Dahil first day pa lang naman ng klase at wala pa talagang masyadong binibigay na assignments, nag-advance study na lang ako tutal sinabi ko naman sa kanya na marami akong gagawin, e. I felt really guilty for acting out earlier. He didn't deserve that. Kaibigan lang naman niya si Dani. Sa kanya na mismo nanggaling kaya bakit ako nagdududa?

"Imo naman..." I heard Papa said. "You need to eat."

Mama was adamant. Naka-tingin lang siya sa kawalan.

"Preston's fine."

"I need to see my son," matabang na sabi ni Mama.

Papa sighed. I knew it was a tough choice on his part... Papa had always been fair in treating us all kaya nga mahal na mahal namin siya. And what was happening was only putting him in a sore spot. I knew he wanted to respect Kuya's decision to move out and also his discretion to keep everything a secret. Kahit nga ako hindi ko alam, e. But based on Kuya Benj's words, I was guessing that the gravity of the situation was really bad.

...but I also knew that Papa wanted to tell Mama. Especially when Mama's acting this way. Buntis pa naman siya kaya hindi dapat sumasama iyong loob niya nang ganito. Baka kung mapaano si Cayden.

"Imo..."

"Bakit ba ayaw mong sabihin? Pupuntahan ko lang naman siya. I just want to see for myself that my son is fine!"

Natahimik kaming lahat sa mesa. Biglang nahulog mula sa bibig ni Riley iyong chicken na kagat niya habang si Finley naman, hinatak iyong shirt ko. I looked at him and faintly smiled.

"Mama's just worried," I told him. I didn't want them to think that our parents were fighting. Finley had enough trouble at school. Baka mamaya isipin niya na ayos lang magsigawan. And he's still very young and he had the tendency to mimic actions... kagaya na lang ng pagiging mini-Saint niya ngayon. He's copying everything about Saint. Magkapareho na nga sila ng haircut ngayon, e.

Papa didn't argue with Mama. He just let her walk all over him. Kami naman, tahimik lang na nakikinig... although what I really wanted to do was to bring my brothers back to their rooms. Hindi dapat sila nakaka-rinig ng ganito.

After a few minutes, they must have realized that we were there with them... na naririnig namin ang bawat mga salitang sinasabi nila. They abruptly stopped upon realization.

"Let's eat," sabi ni Papa.

And we all did as we were told. Sa mga ganitong panahon mas nakaka-miss si Kuya. If he were here, sigurado ako may sinabi na iyon na nakakatawa para mawala iyong tensyon. I really missed him already.

--

Days passed and the situation had only gone grave. Nagmamatigas si Mama na hindi niya papansinin si Papa hanggang hindi sinasabi kung nasaan si Kuya. Our house felt like empty fall walls and we were all trapped inside together with the deafening silence. The only thing that made everyday bearable were the days spent with Saint. He's the only thing I was looking forward to. Lahat na lang kasi sa paligid ko ay may problema. My parents were in the middle of this cold war, my brothers were too young to really understand anything, Kath was obviously hiding something... and Liza. What's with her and Kuya Jackson? I really saw them once together! Pero nung tinawag ko naman sila, hindi naman sila lumingon. It made me doubt kung sila ba talaga 'yun... pero parang sila naman talaga, e...

"Do we have a problem?" I finally asked them. I tried to give them space and privacy because I didn't want to pry into their lives especially if I could feel that didn't want to divulge anything to me. Pero ilang araw na rin kasi and the situation was only getting worse. At kagaya nga ng sinabi ni Saint, relationships are most likely destroyed by miscommunication. Ayoko naman na mawalan ako ng kaibigan... more so si Kath at Liza. I treasure them very much.

Kath looked at me and smiled.

"Wala, ah. Bakit mo naman naisip 'yan?"

"Kasi... you're unusually quiet," I pointed out.

"Grabe ka naman! Are you insinuating na madaldal ako?"

I nodded earnestly. She faked a laugh.

"I'm just not feeling it," she said and smiled faintly. "Time out muna siguro iyong mouth ko."

I looked at her and I could see the exhaustion on her face so I didn't push it. She'd tell when she's ready. I wanted to respect that because if I were in her situation, I would also need all the consideration I could get from the people around me.

Natapos iyong araw namin na puro tungkol lang sa academics iyong mga pinag-uusapan namin. It was very unusual dahil mas nasanay ako na mga lalaki sa school o kaya mga chismis iyong gusto ni Kath na topic. But lately, she's been very different. Pati na rin si Liza. I was just really, really worried but I couldn't really do anything but to show them that I was a willing ear in case na gusto nila ng makikinig sa kanila.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy magiging puro flat 1 iyong grades ko sa lahat ng subject dahil iyon na lang ang palaging pinag-uusapan namin nila Liza... We were even talking about doing the project na due pa sa dulo ng sem! It was really weird... in a good way since nagiging academically inclined na kami.

Nung matapos iyong mga klase namin, pumunta ako sa gym dahil sabay kami ni Saint na uuwi. Si Papa kasi sinabi sa akin na kay Saint na lang ako sumabay, e. Sigurado naman ako way niya iyon para sabihin sa akin na hindi talaga ako iyong problema ni Kuya... At saka isa pa, mas pabor sa akin na hintayin na lang si Saint. Para kasi akong nasasakal sa bahay lalo na kapag nakikita ko na hindi kinakausap ni Mama si Papa.

Saan ba kasi nagsimula 'to? Sobrang okay naman dati... tapos ngayon...

Everything felt different.

And broken.

I just wanted everything to go back to normal.

Pagdating ko sa gym, nakita ko na iyong ibang basketball players na nagwawarm-up. I was tempted to bring out my laptop para mag-edit na lang ako ng pictures. Isang sem na akong nanonood ng basketball pero ewan ko, hindi pa rin ako ganoon ka-interesado. 'Di kasi talaga ako palagay sa concept na nag-aagawan sila sa isang bola e marami namang bola sa court. Nag-e-enjoy lang ako kapag si Saint ang pinapanood ko, e. Tapos wala pa naman si Saint. I looked at my watch and realized na baka nasa class pa siya.

I was in the middle of editing the pictures taken when we went to Batanes last vacation. I suddenly became nostalgic. Ilang buwan pa lang naman ang nakakalipas pero parang ang tagal na.

"Hi."

Napatingin ako sa tao sa harap ko. Si Matty at saka si Cohen. Cohen smiled at me and I smiled back. Sobrang parang baby pa kasi ng tingin ko kay Cohen kahit na mas matangkad siya sa akin. Siguro kasi bunso siya sa GDL.

"Hi," I replied.

"Saint's not yet here," Matty said. I nodded. Obvious naman na wala siya. "Have you texted him?"

Umiling ako. I didn't mind waiting. Besides, busy rin naman ako sa ginagawa ko kaya okay lang kung wala pa si Saint. Sabi nga niya, it's okay for me to have a life of my own. I was trying to do things without him para naman kapag wala siya, hindi ako sobrang nalulungkot. Madalas kasing magtravel sila Saint. Dati, sobrang nalulungkot ako but I was trying to cope up and adapt.

Matty looked at me like he didn't know what to say anymore. I was not a good conversationalist and I felt sorry for him. Nag-e-effort naman siya na kausapin ako pero hindi ko kasi alam kung ano pa ang sasabihin ko. Hindi naman kasi kami talaga close. Madalas lang kami nagkikita dahil teammate siya ni Saint.

"Well, anyway, alis na ako," he said and then waved. I smiled at him.

Akala ko aalis na si Cohen pero naupo lang siya sa tabi ko. I was presuming that he sat beside me dahil gusto niya akong kausapin pero nagulat ako nung kumuha siya ng inumin sa loob ng bag niya. Nasa tabi ko pala kasi iyong bag niya kaya doon siya naupo. Nagiging assuming na yata ako. Pero naputol naman agad iyong pag-iisip ko nung mapatingin ako sa entrance ng gym at makita ko si Saint at Dani na sabay naglalakad. They were talking about something and they were both laughing. Apparently, I was staring too hard that Cohen decided to take notice.

"They're just friends," he said.

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"I know," I replied.

"But you're looking at them weirdly."

"I am not."

He nodded. If not for the topic of our conversation, I would have found his expression cute. He was looking at me innocently—with those round orbs of his. So cute.

"Okay," he said with a shrug.

"Hindi nga," I said since halata na hindi siya naniniwala sa sinabi ko.

"I said okay," sabi niya.

"But your face says otherwise."

Sasagot pa sana siya nung mapatingin na naman ako doon sa dalawa. Dani playfully punched Saint's arms and Saint acted hurt.

"There it is," sabi niya. Napatingin ako sa kanya. "The doubting face."

"I said I'm not thinking anything! I know that they're just friends!"

Cohen smiled. Nasaan ba si Austin? Bakit hindi na lang siya ang tumabi sa akin? Kailangan ko iyong pagiging tahimik niya at walang pakielam sa akin. I knew Cohen meant well but I was already negotiating with myself tungkol sa bagay na iyon. Sinabi na sa akin ni Saint na magkaibigan lang sila ni Dani. I was already trying to make peace with the fact... I just didn't like for that fact to be shoved right at my face.

Mabuti na lang at nakita ako ni Saint kaya pumunta agad siya sa akin.

"Hey," he said. He was smiling and I smiled back. "Kanina ka pa?"

I shook my head.

"You should've texted me," sabi niya.

"Okay lang. Kasama ko naman si Cohen, e," I said and smiled. Napatingin si Saint kay Cohen tapos bigla namang tumayo si Cohen at saka nagjog papunta sa court. I really didn't understand the dynamics among them. Close silang tatlo pero minsan, parang hindi kabilang si Cohen. It was weird but maybe my observation was just wrong.

Nung umalis si Cohen, doon naupo si Saint sa pwesto niya.

"You look different. Is there something wrong?"

"Wala," I replied with a smile.

"You sure? Because if you're not feeling well, I could drive you home."

"Magsisimula na 'yung practice niyo," I pointed out.

"I'm sure Austin would understand. Ayos ka lang nga?"

I nodded. Maybe I was just feeling down because of the things that were happening recently. I just needed to quickly cope up with the changes. Hindi naman pwede na palagi na lang akong down. Mas makaka-apekto lang ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko... And my brothers needed me the most. My parents were already having problems. Kuya's not around. I was the only person they got. I needed to be strong, at least for them.

"Saint!" Matty called. "Start na."

He looked at me.

"I'm fine," I said. "Practice ka na."

He sighed and then hesitantly went to the court. I smiled and thought that everything would be fine... because they needed to be fine. Otherwise, mababaliw ako.

Habang naglalaro sila, napapatingin din ako sa kabilang side ng gym dahil nandoon iyong volleyball team. Dati naman hindi ko napapansin si Dani... tapos ngayon kahit saan ako tumingin, nandoon na lang siya palagi. Napa-buntong hininga na lang ako. I didn't like what I was becoming. This was far from being healthy. I didn't like harboring negative feelings because it was bad for my being... but I couldn't just shake it off. Para kasing habang mas sinasabi nila na magkaibigan lang si Saint at Dani, parang mas lalo lang nila akong binibigyan ng dahilan para magduda... Kasi 'di ba kung friends lang talaga sila, hindi na nila kailangang sabihin iyon dahil kusa ko namang malalaman at mararamdaman...

Ang dami kong iniisip.

Kinuha ko na lang iyong laptop ko at saka nag-edit ng pictures. I continued and I was again drowned in my own world. Napapa-ngiti ako habang nakatingin sa mga pictures namin. Kuya was laughing while looking at Kuya Jackson. Nahulog kasi si Kuya Jackson mula sa kabayo na sinasakyan niya. Sobrang babaw lang talaga ng kaligayahan ni Kuya. I missed his smiles. Nasa QC lang naman siya. I was really praying na matapos na iyong problema niya para naman mabisita ko na siya sa bago niyang bahay.

I was already in the middle part of the pictures nung nandoon na ako sa pictures ni Parker. Napa-hinto ako. Puro stolen shots kasi. Parang dati lang puro only me iyong mga posts ko dahil alam ko na hindi pwede na public dahil may Cindy... tapos five months later, wala ng Cindy sa buhay ni Parker... pero may Saint na sa buhay ko.

Ang bilis talaga ng panahon.

I shrugged the thought away and edited his pictures. I just adjusted the colors para mas maganda sa mata. Nung matapos na ako, inupload ko na sa facebook kahit na medyo nakakalungkot dahil masisira iyong quality ng pictures. I also tagged Kuya Benj, Kuya Jackson, Ate Jas, pati si Kuya... At syempre si Parker din. I wanted him to know na okay na ako dahil base naman sa mga sinabi ni Kuya Benj, he's moved on already. Maybe it was high time that we become friends again.

Sa sobrang pagka-busy ko sa ginagawa ko, hindi ko napansin na tapos na pala iyong training nila Saint.

"Hey," Saint said. Nasa harap ko na pala siya. He was wiping the sweat on his forehead. "What do you want to eat?" he asked.

"Ramen," I said with a smile.

"Cohen, Austin, and Matty will join us. Okay lang?"

I nodded. The more, the merrier. Besides, na-mi-miss ko na sila Kuya Benj at ang pagiging maingay nila. Maybe these guys could be my friends... if only I could stop spacing out tuwing sinusubukan nila akong kausapin. They seemed fun to be with naman kagaya nila Kuya Benj.

Doon sa Ford Everest ni Austin kami sumakay dahil hindi kami kasya sa Audi ni Saint. Tapos si Cohen naman, wala pang car dahil bata pa pala siya. Baby pala talaga siya ng GDL family kaya hatid-sundo talaga.

Habang nasa sasakyan kami, nag-uusap lang sila. I opted to keep quiet. Hindi pa kasi ako ganoon ka-kumportable sa kanila lalo na at graduate na si Psalm e siya pa naman iyong pinaka-ka-close ko.

"How many days again?" asked Matty.

"3, as usual," replied Saint.

"Do you think coach will agree if I'll go home early? Daming projects," Matty said.

Saint shrugged.

"I don't know. You know how coach is when it comes to teamwork shits," replied Saint. Bigla naman siyang tumingin sa akin. "Mary, I know I promised that I'll babysit Finley this weekend but we have a team building. Raincheck?"

Tumango ako... though Finley was really looking forward to spending time with Saint. Stressed na kasi iyon sa school pati sa bahay, e. Iyong bonding time with Saint na nga lang iyong hinihintay niya pero hindi rin naman responsibilidad ni Saint at saka syempre may buhay naman siya.

During the dinner, they tried their best to include me in the conversation pero hindi ako maka-sabay. May history na kasi sila na magkakaibigan, e... Mas lalo ko lang na-miss sila Kuya kahit na puro kalokohan lang sila. They were my people.

Nung pauwi na, doon na ako sumakay sa sasakyan ni Saint. One of his guards must have driven his car to the resto. Tahimik lang ako habang pauwi. I was just humming to the music and looking at the traffic outside. Who would have thought that stranded cars could be so relaxing?

"Mary."

"Hmm?"

A beat.

"Nothing," he said. Napatingin tuloy ako sa kanya. He was just looking at me.

"Bakit?" I had to ask. He was being weird.

Umiling siya.

"Wala," he said but it was obvious that it wasn't the case. "I just hope that everything will be back to normal. I don't like seeing you sad."

I smiled at him.

"It's been a month. Malapit na akong kausapin ni Kuya," I told him and he just smiled at me. Pagdating namin sa bahay, nagpasalamat lang ako sa kanya at saka pumasok na ako sa loob. I did the usual things and then checked my notebook kung may kailangan ba akong gawin... pero wala na naman na. As I had mentioned, puro academics related things ang ginagawa ko kapag kasama ko sila Liza at Kath. Wala na tuloy akong gagawin kapag umuuwi ako sa bahay dahil sa school pa lang, natatapos ko na.

--

Day passed by quickly. Medyo nagiging okay na si Mama dahil nakausap niya si Kuya sa phone but that wasn't enough for her to talk to Papa again. Tapos sila Finley at Riley naman, nagtatanong na sa akin kung ano ang meron kila Mama. Hindi ko naman gustong magsinungaling sa kanila pero ayoko rin naman sabihin na nag-aaway sila Mama.

Nung weekend na, buong araw nagta-tantrums si Finley dahil wala si Saint. Sumasakit iyong ulo ko dahil ayaw niyang tumigil sa pag-iyak.

"Why?" tanong ko nung kalabitin ako ni Riley. He was holding a bar of chocolate.

"For Fin," he said. "So that he'd stop crying."

I smiled at Riley and patted his head. It was too much for my brothers. They were still so little pero ganito na agad. I wished my parents would reconcile quickly dahil naaapektuhan na iyong mga kapatid ko. And I wished Kuya was here to help me dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko kay Finley. He's already too much when he's not crying... mas sobra kapag ganito na nagwawala siya.

Nung bandang hapon na, I gave up. Halos hikain na kasi si Finley sa pag-iyak so I gave up my resolve and decided to call Saint. Ilang ring na pero walang sumasagot. I was about to drop the call when someone answered.

"Saint—"

"Hey, I'm sorry I answered Saint's phone but he's currently occupied and you kept on calling so I figured it was urgent..."

That was Dani. Isang beses ko pa lang naman siyang nakausap pero kabisado ko na agad iyong boses niya.

"Do you need him? I can run to the court para ibigay iyong phone niya," she said, worry was laced in her voice.

"Ah. Hindi na," I replied dryly. But I tried to put color in my voice. I didn't want her to think that I was thinking otherwise... Naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit niya sinagot. And besides, they had been friends for over 16 years. I was pretty sure boundary lines had been blurred already.

"Oh. Okay. Sabihin ko na lang na tawagan ka?"

"Wag na," I replied. "Sige, bye..."

After dropping the call, I took a heavy breath. Ano na, Imo? You're already turning into someone you never wanted to become...

I spent the entire afternoon playing with Finley. I brought them to the village park at thankfully, may ibang mga bata doon kaya nakipaglaro si Finley at Riley. I watched while they were playing. I was just too thankful na tumigil na sa pag-iyak si Finley because I was already starting to get worried dahil baka hikain na siya sa sobrang pag-iyak. My parents were out dahil nagpa-check-up si Mama sa OB... and I didn't want to call them because I wanted them to spend time together dahil baka matapos na iyong cold war nilang dalawa—na one-sided lang naman dahil si Mama lang naman ang hindi namamansin kay Papa.

Nung pag-uwi namin, I was so exhausted that I slept early... pero nagising ako ng bandang eight ng gabi. My stomach was grumbling that I decided to go down and eat. Sarado na iyong ilaw and I was thankful for the silence... buong araw kasing umiiyak si Finley. Pagdating ko sa kitchen, binuksan ko iyong ref pero wala akong magustuhan sa mga nandoon. Ayoko naman na gisingin pa si Manang para ipagluto ako kasi mukhang maaga silang natulog... so I decided to grab the cereal box. Pero nung lalagyan ko na ng gatas, wala pang kalahati ng bowl iyong nalagyan.

This day was proving to be frustrating. Matatapos na nga lang, hindi pa rin ayos. So I turned my frustration to facebook. I just had to post dahil wala akong mapaglabasan ng inis ko.

Kung kailan kita kailangan, at saka wala.

I didn't worry about posting dahil kakaunti lang naman ang friends ko... And I also didn't check my notifications dahil puro comments ng mga babae na hindi ko naman kilala iyong picture namin ni Saint na pinost ko.

...and I just felt worse. Dati kasi, sandali lang ay nagcocomment na agad sila Kuya... sila Kath... But an hour already passed pero wala.

What had became of my life?

I was already feeling so bad when there was a call from the guard house. May delivery daw para sa akin. I went out and saw a happy fresh delivery guy.

"Hi po," the guy said. "Mary Imogen Suarez?"

I nodded tapos may binigay siya sa akin na grocery bag tapos may pina-pirmahan.

"Order complete na po ba, Ma'am?"

"Ha?"

Nag-order ba ako habang tulog? Kaka-gising ko lang, e. Binuksan ko iyong grocery bag at may tatlong box doon ng gatas. Napaawang iyong labi ko. I went inside and checked the receipt... And there was Parker's name.

So I messaged him on facebook.

Mary Imogen Suarez: thank you.

And a few seconds later, he replied.