A really long chapter ahead. Happy reading..

March 12, 2010

I don't normally write my diary. It's an old habit I had when I was a teenager. But I felt that this day was worth writing.

I got a mail from my sister, Lucy. I've been waiting for that mail for the past ten years.

She sent me an attachment of the photo of my son, Asher. Isn't it a beautiful name?

He will turn ten in a few days. He is growing up and I cannot see him grow. That is the worst thing that could ever happen to a mother.

I did not tell Nick about Asher. I don't know how he would react if he finds out I have a son. I cannot risk him knowing how short tempered he is.

I heard the car stop in the driveway. I think Nick is here. I gotta go.

Love,

Cindy..

April 3, 2010

Today is Asher's tenth birthday. I feel so sad that I couldn't be with him for his birthday.

I don't know what he thinks about me. Does he hate me? Does he think that I left him because I don't like him? Does he even think about me?

All these questions, I could never find the answers to. I hope I could see him again. At least once in my life.

Love,

Cindy..

November 26, 2010

I went to New York today. It's my friend's wedding. I can't believe I saw my son there.

He was there at a park, playing with his friends. Lucy was there too. But did not see me.

He and his friends were playing some sort of tag game. I still can't believe I saw my son directly and not in some photographs.

As the guys ran past me, one of them bumped into me making me tremble back.

My son's first words to me are 'sorry ma'am. I wasn't seeing where I was going'.

He behave like a gentleman at the young age of ten. I hope I could talk to him more.

But of course, I have to stay hidden in the shadows.

Love,

Cindy..

March 17, 2011

It's been almost an year since I first got the email from Lucy. We have stayed in touch since then.

She sends me lots of pictures of him. All of them saved safely in my computer. But I have a feeling someone went through my computer. The files have been disturbed.

I just hope Nick did not see or learn about Asher. I don't know how he'll react. I am scared.

I need to tell someone about Asher. But I don't know who to tell. The first person that came to my mind was Elena. She would be perfect to keep the secret.

She is a smart girl. She knows what to talk and when to talk. I heard Nick talk about her to one of his workers.

I have a feeling he is going to involve her in his business. I don't want that. I don't want her to be a killer with not heart.

I will try to stop him as long as I can. She is like my daughter. I can't see her get hurt. It breaks my heart.

Love,

Cindy..

June 24, 2011

It's been a week since I opened my mail. I've been having this weird feeling that someone is watching me.

I don't know what is wrong. I fear that Nick found out about Asher. But there is no chance that he could find out.

Unless someone told him. But there is no chance that someone tells him. No one knows.

Nick is acting kind of distant for the past few days. He isn't coming home much. He isn't talking much.

I just hope everything is fine and he won't get hurt.

Love,

Cindy..

September 14, 2011

He knows. Nick knows about Asher. I heard him talking on the phone with someone about him.

I just hope he wouldn't hurt my son. I am hoping too much lately. Hoping that Nick won't get mad. Hoping that my son will not get hurt. And many other things.

You'd think why am I hiding this from Nick. It was because Asher is born to me and my ex,  Jonathan. The problem is, I cheated on Nick many years ago.

It wasn't intentional. It happened a few days after Nick was arrested, twelve years back. I was really broken because the only family I had was Nick. But he was arrested.

I didn't know when he'd be released. So I being my irresponsible self, decided to drink my body's weight.

I met Jon that day. He had this mysterious Aura around him that attracted me to him. We slept together that night.

It was supposed to be a one-time thing. We aren't supposed to meet again. But fate obviously had other plans. I got pregnant, with Jonathan's kid.

He was kind enough to take in my son. I don't know how I was able to hid my pregnancy from Nick. That was plain luck that he wasn't released for two years.

After I gave birth to Asher, it was the contract that I will never contact him again.

At that time that seemed to be a good idea. I left my son and went back to the person who loves me.

Even when the guilt ate me every time he told me he loved me.

Love,

Cindy..

September 22, 2011

We all do the things we regret. I did too. But I can't change what I did. Even though I don't think Asher is a mistake.

Nick has been acting more distant lately. He isn't coming home often. He isn't speaking to me much. He did not even confront me about why he is acting this way.

I have only one way to find out. I have to ask him. Even of leads to him finding about Asher.

I decided I'll ask him next time he comes home. I don't know when that is. Even if he comes home he isn't staying longer. It is worrying me.

Love,

Cindy..

October 4, 2011

I finally asked Nick. Asked him why he was being so distant. Why he wasn't coming home or talking to me much.

He told me he had some business to take care of. And he was sorry for neglecting me. He did not once talk about the fact that he knows about my son.

He did not once ask me about it. He did not once point out that I cheated on him years back.

That made my guilt grow. I know he is just bluffing about the business. I know that he knows about me cheating.

But he doesn't point out. He didn't leave me. That made me the bad person in this.

Love,

Cindy..

December 31, 2011

I finally told someone. I told Elena about Asher. Surprisingly, she took it really well.

But there was a problem here. A few days back, I overheard Nick talking on the phone. He was talking about killing someone.

He was planning to kill someone. And I think I know who that someone is. I didn't want Elena knowing all this.

But when I told her about Asher and a few other things, you know what she said?

She asked me 'why does this sound like a goodbye?'  I always knew she is a smart one. But this proved how wise she actually is.

She found out the actual difference between words of love and a goodbye.

I don't fear my death. But what I fear is what will happen to her, if I die?

I may not have given birth to her, but I was the one who rised her. She was just a baby when her parents passed.

She was barely able to walk and talk. I saw a daughter in her. She is the second chance I got. I could never raise Asher, but I raised her the way I knew I would raise my child.

But when I die, I don't know what will happen to her. What I know is Nick will destroy her. He will make a killer out of her. He will make her hold a gun and shoot someone.

I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to be heartless like all the other people that work for him.

She is the daughter I never had. I just hope Nick won't kill her human side as soon as he killed me.

Love,

Cindy..