~I'm at home

~I think we should clear things up

~Text me back when you're free

Raine lay sprawled across his bed, his feet just grazing the floor, and his fingers hesitating above the keyboard, fixated on the text messages displayed on his phone's screen. Holding his phone high above his face, eyes locked on the screen, he waited anxiously for Zen to reply as if his entire world depended on receiving at least one reply from her. Feeling the weight of the unresolved situation pressing down on him, he finally gave up and quickly cleared the screen before opening Google.

Raine hesitated, his fingers pausing briefly over his phone's keyboard before typing "homophobia" into the search bar. Embarrassment crept over him like a shadow, knowing he was about to delve into a topic he had avoided for far too long.

The search engine promptly loaded a list of results, and he took a deep breath.

He had never truly confronted his own biases and ignorance before, and now, he was doing so because of Zen. The thoughts eventually led him into a deep exploration. Heart racing, he found himself clicking on various articles, watching documentaries, and reading personal stories from LGBTQ+ individuals.

As he scrolled, an interesting paragraph from an article caught his attention:

In certain situations, some heterosexual men who show signs of homophobia might actually be grappling with feelings of uncertainty about their own sexual identity. These individuals tend to be apprehensive about forming deep emotional connections with gay men, especially if they become exceptionally close friends. The reason behind this fear lies in a misconception that such close relationships could potentially influence or alter their own sexual orientation. In reality, sexual orientation is a deeply ingrained aspect of a person's identity and is not influenced by close friendships or relationships. So, this fear often stems from a misunderstanding of how sexual identity truly works.

It was like a spotlight shining on the most uncomfortable corners of his mind. Raine couldn't help but recall Zen's piercing words and a part of him wanted to vehemently deny any connection between his behaviour and what he was reading. "I'm not homophobic," he muttered to himself, almost defensively. But I...

His cheeks flushed with warmth, and his heartbeat quickened as his thoughts circled back to Zen. "Why does just thinking about him make me feel like this?" Raine said to himself. The mere thought of Zen — oh that smile, that laughter, that voice — sent a rush of exhilaration through his veins. "I... I think I have feelings for Zen."

"What if I'm not ready for this?" he whispered, his voice wavering.

Raine could almost hear Zen's voice in his mind, her earlier words echoing with painful clarity, "It's about empathy and acceptance. If you're so secure in your own identity, then why does accepting others make you so uncomfortable?"

A knot of guilt and shame tightened in his chest. "I've caused him so much pain," Raine admitted to himself, "and I might do it again."

He replayed their conversations in his head, dissecting each word as if searching for hidden clues.

"Wait," his thoughts stopped abruptly. "Zen also mentioned something like he was a girl, but what if he meant it differently?" Raine mused aloud. "When Zen said, I am a woman, he could've meant, I am a woman trapped in a man's body, or something equally perplexing. Maybe he didn't mean it the way I thought, no, hoped it did. Maybe he was just trying to avoid any further argument or confrontation. Yeah, that's it. It makes sense. I've known him for so long as a guy, and suddenly he claims to be a girl? It's got to be a misunderstanding."

Raine sat up on the edge of the bed. "Can I really accept Zen as my boyfriend?" he wondered aloud. He knew that his previous biases and misunderstandings had to be addressed, and he couldn't let them taint what he felt.

Wait a minute. Does this mean I'm gay? Raine thought in horror. Images of men he knew, and even random strangers popped up in his head, but instead of feeling attracted, he felt a bizarre chill down his spine. "No. Definitely not!"

However, when an image of Zen surfaced in his mind, it was like a switch had been flipped. At that moment, everything faded, and Raine found himself in a state of deep introspection. He felt his heart racing, his palms growing clammy, and an overwhelming sense of warmth coursing through his body. How can something that looks so wrong feel so right when it's Zen? he pondered.

Raine began weighing the importance of his feelings for Zen against the fear of societal judgment, the potential backlash from friends and family save for his mom, and the challenging journey of self-discovery that lay ahead. But the thought of being with Zen in a romantic sense, despite all the hurdles, seemed both thrilling and terrifying at the same time.

Raine sighed. "Can I really change? Can I let go of my prejudice and fully accept Zen as my partner? It won't be easy, but if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that he's worth the effort. The only question is how do I get Zen to talk to me again." Raine slumped onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow and letting out a muffled growl of frustration.

-~-

The atmosphere in the classroom was thick with anticipation. The shuffling of papers and soft scratching of pens on answer sheets filled the room. With the test paper in front of her, Zen began to tackle the questions with her usual determination and focus. But the questions were a perplexing mix of topics she hadn't expected. All those hours of late-night cramming appeared to not have paid off as she stared blankly at her paper, unable to recall anything from her study sessions.

Unsurprisingly, she wrapped up the test way quicker than she'd thought, giving her a boatload of time to spare. She leaned back in her seat, taking a moment to observe Kai, who was buried in his own set of questions. His seriousness came as no surprise to her; it was something she had come to appreciate about him. But what really had her scratching her head that day was the seating arrangement. How on earth was she paired up with Kai? It felt kind of random, and she couldn't decide if it was just luck or some weird coincidence.

The test finally came to an end, and Zen couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief as she gathered her belongings. She noticed Kai doing the same next to her. "Hey," Kai greeted her with a friendly smile. "That test wasn't so bad, huh?" he said.

"Yeah, it wasn't too bad," Zen lied, and they walked out of the classroom, continuing their conversation.

"Hey, Zen," Kai began, falling into step beside her as they strolled down the corridor. "I couldn't help but notice that things seem a bit tense between you and Raine. Mind if I ask what's going on there?"

Zen hesitated, her gaze dropping to the floor. "Kai," she started, "trust me, you wouldn't want to know. It's a long story, and it's... complicated."

Kai arched an eyebrow. "Complicated, huh?"

"Let's just say that Raine said some stupid things, and I reacted pretty strongly."

"Something to do with that incident?" Kai asked, and Zen unconsciously jerked, knowing exactly what he meant.

"Kind of," Zen admitted.

Kai nodded, understanding that there might be more to the story. "I figured," he said. "Well, I know Raine can be so blunt sometimes, but he's not a bad guy. He's got a good heart, even if he doesn't always express it the right way," Kai tried his best to explain. "Sometimes disagreements happen between people. You two have been friends for a while, though, right? I'm sure you can work it out."

"I hope so."

"Well, just remember that if you ever want to talk or if you need someone to listen, I'm here for you."

Zen smiled appreciatively. "Thanks, Kai. I appreciate that," Zen replied. She couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt deep within her as they continued walking. Kai had been such a great friend, always there to listen and offer support, and it was clear he genuinely cared for her. But despite all of this, she couldn't bring herself to give Kai the positive response he deserved to take their relationship to the next level. Every time she decided to do that, the thought of Raine would pop up like an uninvited guest at a party.

God, when will this feeling end?! Zen thought and frowned.

Kai noticed the gloom on Zen's face as they stepped out onto the campus road. It was like a dark cloud had decided to camp out right above her head and the weather, oddly enough, seemed to match her mood.

"You know, Zen, how about I take you somewhere special to lighten up your mood?" Kai suggested, his gaze naturally falling on Zen, anticipating her response.

Zen looked intrigued. "Somewhere special? Where?"

As if on cue, the heavens decided to join their conversation with a gentle sprinkle of rain. Kai quickly used his hand as a makeshift umbrella and flashed a mischievous grin at Zen. "You'll see." And without waiting for her answer, he gently took her hand — a move that made Zen's cheeks flush with a warm blush — and led her through the drizzle towards a destination known only to him.

. . .

Unbeknownst to the two, hidden in the shadows nearby, Raine had been watching the entire scene unfold. His fists clenched, causing the paper he held to crumple in his grip.

✧༺♥༻✧

a/n: So this is part 40 of my book. Holy fu- I know. I have no idea how it managed to reach that far. Don't even ask me how I managed to dupe Raine for so long. I know. He's got bird poop for a brain and he's slow to figure things out but its all justified, trust me. I know some readers might wana throw knives at his stupidity after reading half of the published chapters but *insert random hand signs here* that's the beauty of it!(sarcastically saying)

I wana thank my valuable readers for being so patient and putting up with his shit. And I promise, things are only going to get better from here on out💕