Shadow of Doubt

~

The sun cast a warm glow as Zen wandered side by side with Julian through the university campus. Their steps led them to the tennis court, and they sat down on the weathered benches, facing the court where other students were engrossed in rigorous training, the sound of sneakers on the court and occasional grunts of effort filling the air. Amidst the hustle, Julian's voice gently broke the air. "Zen, are you always this outgoing and confident?"

Zen laughed, waving her hands dismissively. "Oh, I'm not nearly as outgoing as you might think."

"You seem cool and strong, unlike most people. I feel comfortable being myself around you," Julian said, gazing earnestly at her as he spoke. He then glanced downwards, absently fiddling with his sleeves.

Zen couldn't help but notice how his oversized sweater seemed to wrap around him, almost as if it was giving him a comforting shield. "Enough about me. Tell me more about yourself," she insisted.

"Me? There's not much to tell. I'm kind of dull, honestly," Julian replied, a faint smile gracing his lips.

"Absolutely not. You're far from dull. We have plenty to chat about. Like what's your favourite colour or what kind of books do you read – what makes it special to you?" Zen suggested, aiming to encourage Julian to open up.

A sigh escaped Julian's lips. "I don't really have a favourite colour, and I'm not much of a reader. I'm weird, aren't I?"

"You're not weird, Julian," Zen said, leaning forward, a reassuring smile gracing her lips as her eyes locked with Julian's.

"You're the second person who has said that to me," Julian said, barely above a whisper.

"You said something?"

"No, anyway, Zen, what do you usually do? Like a hobby? Or anything that interests you?" Julian inquired.

"For the most part, not much. I write stories from time to time."

"So you're a writer?" Julian asked, his eyes brightening with fascination.

"More of a ghost-writer. I enjoy writing, but often it's just a means to support myself somehow. But I'm not writing anything for the time being. Campus life and the exhaustion got to me."

"But still. I really appreciate that about you, Zen. You're out there doing something, unlike some of us."

"Don't look down on yourself, Julian," Zen said, hoping to encourage him.

"It's just... your confidence is something else. I wish I had even a fraction of that. Sometimes I feel like people don't like me for who I am or what I enjoy."

"Everyone's different. From what I see, you're just scared of expressing your feelings because you think others will judge you for it. If you want to do something, just do it. Don't be scared of what other people think. Sometimes, it's okay to admit, I like this. This is what makes me angry. This is what makes me happy even if no one's listening to you. Just be you, okay?"

"Thanks, Zen. A personality like yours is hard to find in girls. To be honest, I'm a little envious."

"Don't be. Trust me, it's been quite a journey for me to get to this point. You wouldn't want to walk in those shoes," Zen responded, a hint of sadness and pain flickering briefly in her eyes as if recalling an unwanted memory. "So, Julian, do you have a girlfriend?" She decided to steer the conversation towards a lighter topic.

"W-What? No. I don't."

"Really? Why not?"

Julian hesitated, his gaze shifting as he gathered his thoughts. "Zen, there's something I need to tell you. I hope you won't judge me."

Zen focused all her attention on Julian, her expression carrying a mixture of curiosity and concern. "You can tell me anything."

Julian's voice wavered slightly as he spoke, "I don't have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend."

.               .               .

"You have a what?!" Zen's eyes widened in genuine surprise, her reaction catching the attention of a few students on the tennis court who briefly glanced their way. One of them was so startled that he missed a shot and the ball hit him squarely on the head.

"I know what you think. Everybody gives me the same reaction. It's ridiculous, isn't it?" Julian went on to mutter.

"Wahhh. I'm so envious! What's he like? Does he go to our university? Which department is he in? How did you guys meet?" Zen fired off a flurry of questions.

"You're not disgusted by this?" Julian asked, his eyes holding a mixture of surprise and gratitude.

"What are you saying? Why would I be?" Zen replied, puzzled.

Julian's voice dropped as he admitted, "Because I'm... gay."

"No way! Why would that matter?" Zen responded almost immediately.

"People tease and make fun of it," Julian murmured.

"Honestly, in this day and age, who cares? Nobody made up a rule and said you have to fall in love with a man because you're a woman and vice versa. What matters is staying true to yourself, staying true to your feelings."

"Thank you, Zen. Your acceptance means a lot."

"Don't dwell on it. Now, tell me about this person, your boyfriend. You don't have to share everything if you're not comfortable, but I'm curious to know what he's like."

Julian hesitated a bit before speaking. "He's actually in the Civil Engineering department."

Ah, that infamous devil's department, Zen thought, her face showing clear disapproval as thoughts of Raine crossed her mind, all of which went unnoticed by Julian.

Julian continued his story. "We met in high school. At first, he wasn't into me. He was the fun-loving, bad-in-studies, always-chasing-girls kind. We weren't in the same class at first, and I was bullied a lot, probably because of... you know. The second year, we ended up in the same class. He stood up for me against the bullies." He looked up dreamily as he reminisced his past. "I'll never forget his warm smile and comforting hands, how he gently brushed off the dust from my clothes as he helped me up. I just didn't know what came over me. I started spending more time with him, sticking to him like gum."

Julian paused briefly, and Zen urged him to continue. She couldn't help but admire the courage it took for Julian to open up.

"He didn't know the real reason behind the bullying, but he became my friend. We started hanging out, watching movies, and playing video games at his place. Eventually, I couldn't keep my feelings hidden, so I confessed."

"And what did he say?"

"He rejected me. We almost drifted apart after that. But then, out of nowhere, he approached me and said that running away from his feelings didn't make them go away. He told me he wasn't afraid of being with the person he cared about. I didn't fully get it then, but he's been with me ever since."

"You really do love him, don't you?"

Zen could see the surprise on Julian's face as she said those words. His cheeks flushed with a soft hue of pink as his eyes locked with hers. Finally, a hesitant but genuine smile tugged at Julian's lips, and he nodded.

"But relationships like ours... they don't always last, you know," Julian said, his voice holding a touch of sadness. "He's different from me. Someday, he might get tired of me and change his mind."

"No, he won't. Don't overthink."

"Everyone believes it's wrong. And I'm just not strong enough to stand up to them."

Zen leaned in slightly, her voice gentle and reassuring. "Julian, don't underestimate yourself. You're stronger than you think. Your bullies will get what they deserve. I'm sure of it. So be strong."

Her encouraging words flowed like a breeze, aiming to lift his spirits high but none of it seemed to work. From what Zen observed, Julian was like a serene ocean, calm on the surface but concealing unfathomed depths underneath. What battles waged beneath those tranquil waters, she wondered. And just as this thought crossed her mind, her suspicions were confirmed when she caught a glimpse of something on his skin, discreetly tucked away under his sleeves.

"That-" Before she could think, Zen swiftly took hold of Julian's wrists and instinctively rolled up his sleeves. What she saw were scars—numerous, faded but deep, resembling blade marks etched onto his skin. The sight was chillingly visible, too raw to ignore. Julian hastily withdrew his hands and retreated, his gaze downcast, almost as if she had defiled him. His body trembled, and Zen struggled to find the right words, her wide eyes reflecting shock and concern. Had he inflicted those wounds on himself?

A heavy silence enveloped them. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. It was an accident," Zen said after a still moment of silence.

Julian's voice was subdued as he replied, "It's okay." Their moment was cut short by the intrusion of a phone call. "My driver's here. I have to go."

"Wait—"

Zen tried to stop him but Julian abruptly stood and fled before she could intervene, leaving her with a sense of unease and a flurry of unanswered questions.

~-~

"Thanks, guys."

"Okay, Zen. See ya. Don't bother walking us out. You have loads to unpack." Madliyn and Nadia's hands swayed in the air, bidding their final goodbyes before stepping out of the room. The door shut softly, the latch clicking into place.

Zen drifted over to the bed and slouched onto it, her back sinking into the mattress. Hours of perilous moving-in processes had left her utterly drained. And by processes, she didn't mean hauling her belongings from Kate's apartment or rearranging furniture to fit her new space; Elise had taken care of the last part. Because they had been celebrating for moving into a new place, the day flew by in a whirlwind of food and catching-up conversations, with the actual tasks pushed aside.

Half the day was wasted, just like that and now she felt tired? Shame on me.

There were clothes, piles of them waiting to be stacked in the wardrobe, strewn across the bed. Despite the inviting chaos, Zen resisted the urge to collapse right then and there. Glancing at her phone, the time blinked: 5:57 pm. A message from Kate, just ten minutes ago read: "Are you settled? Sorry, I couldn't help earlier due to my day shift. I'll head over now."

Her fingers tapped a response, informing Kate that there was no need. Zen understood the exhaustion from hospital work, especially since living with Kate had revealed the toll it took on her—pale and worn out as if she'd been offered as food for vampires after her shifts. She couldn't possibly ask her help for something she was perfectly capable of handling herself. After I have some rest, that is.

Zen glanced out of the wide open window next to her bed, observing as the sky gradually darkened. Her eyelids closed, granting her a brief respite of five minutes as her inner thoughts waged a silent battle—stay nestled or rise—until a knock on the door abruptly pulled her back to reality. "Zen? Are you there?"

Recognizing the voice, Zen responded, "Aunt Elise?"

"May I come in?"

"Yeah, of course." Zen scooted her pile of jumbled clothes aside on the bed, hoping to somewhat tidy the room's appearance—although it made no difference.

Elise entered, carrying a glass of juice on a tray. "I figured you might be exhausted," she said, taking cautious steps on the pristine wooden tiles, navigating around the scattered clothes. Reaching Zen, she extended the tray.

"Thank you," Zen murmured, accepting the drink.

"I asked your friends to stay for dinner, but they said they were expecting a new roommate and wanted to be there," Elise explained. She settled onto the bed, placing the tray on the floor and wiping her hands on her apron. "Come, have a seat," she invited, and Zen complied without hesitation.

"Yeah. They told me about it," Zen replied, trying to force down the unsettling feeling in her stomach. She knew it wouldn't be long before someone took her place in the dorm, as her bed had been empty ever since her unceremonious eviction. The idea of another person moving in with Nadia and Madilyn, growing close to them, and maybe even forming the same kind of bond she had with them, left her feeling disappointed and a bit sad.

"Do you like the room?" Elsie asked, breaking her order of thoughts.

"I absolutely adore it, Aunt Elise," Zen beamed, casting another appreciative glance around her new space. The walls, painted in a muted blue, exuded a calm and tranquil ambience, much like the state of mind she sought. The wardrobes were affixed to the walls, eliminating the need for arduous rearrangements in case room renovations were desired. A study table stood ready to cater to her academic needs, and the bed which featured a memory foam mattress was the icing on the cake. Attending morning classes might truly become a challenge if she allowed herself to fall asleep on that.

"I'm glad you like it." Elise smiled warmly.

"Aunt Elise, there's something I've been wanting to ask you," Zen began, taking a sip of the juice.

"What is it?"

"Do you live here alone in this house?"

"Oh, no, dear," Elise replied. "My husband runs business outside, so he's hardly around. You might meet him someday if you're lucky," Elise chuckled. "I used to travel with him often, but I'm old now. Travelling has started to bore me. I returned home alone this time. There's nothing like being in one's own space."

"I agree," Zen nodded, a smile forming. "Also, Aunt Elise, why do you insist on cooking for me every day? You don't have to go through the trouble. I can prepare my own meals."

"Don't say that. It's really no trouble at all. You're like a daughter to me, and besides, you're a student. I can't burden you with cooking. It's just the two of us for now, and I'm more than capable of cooking for two. Don't worry about that, just focus on your studies," Elise said firmly. She then sighed before continuing, "I can't help but wonder what kind of angel brought you to me. I'm truly glad our paths crossed. It feels like I have two kids now. I always wished for a daughter of my own, you know."

"Do you have children, Aunt Elise?"

"Yes, I have only one son," Elise replied with pride. "In fact, he's your age. He's also a student at the same university as you."

"What a surprise," Zen said in amazement. "What's his name?"

Before Elise could finish her sentence, her phone, nestled in her apron, started to ring loudly, a distinctive tune echoing through the room.

"Excuse me, it's the devil's father. Let's see what he wants," Elise muttered, glancing at the caller ID. "Zen, my dear," she said before answering the call. "Dinner will be ready in two hours."

Elise picked up the tray from the floor and took the call, her tone shifting noticeably as she spoke, "Hello? Yes, what is it?" Her voice faded as she moved away from the room and out the door.

"Back to work," Zen said to herself as she gulped the entire contents of the juice down her throat and stood, surveying the chaotic mound of clothes she needed to sort and store in the closet.