I went to pick up Blake at 11:15, as usual. He used the bathroom first, as usual. And now I'm sitting in the tutorial room opposite Blake, as usual. But the conversation that I want to have with him is anything but usual.

I'm not sure which conversation is more nerve-wracking: the one I had with Ms. Reid or the one I'm about to have with him.

He's sitting with his hands under his thighs and swinging his legs, kicking the chair with a repetitive thud, thud, thud.

This morning I was a stuttering mess, but Ms. Reid, the constamment professional, was kind and supportive. But Blake is just a kid. I can't come across as a fool.

My mouth is cotton as I shuffle around my stack of math worksheets trying to figure out how to start. There's no backing out, especially now that I've outed myself to my boss. I keep reminding myself how much it would have meant to me to know an adult trans person when I was a kid. And that's what drives me to finally open my mouth to speak. "So, Blake, I had an interesting conversation with your mom at conferences last week. Did she tell you about it?"

He quickly glances up at me, worry in his eyes. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No. No, nothing like that." I take a deep breath. "We just discussed some things that you and I have in common."

"Were you awful at math, too?"

Damn. "Blake, you are not awful at math. I actually told your mom about what amazing progress you've been making and how impressed I've been with your work. No, this is something else we have in common." I take a deep breath to steady myself. "I'm trans."

He squints his eyes. And while only a second passes, I feel like I can see a million thoughts fly across his mind. "You're really a woman? Like, you're going to transition?"

"No, no. I-" This shouldn't be so hard. "I'm a man. A trans man." God, I hope there's no one outside of the door overhearing this conversation.

"Oh, you're like me."

"Yes. When I was younger people thought I was a girl, and, when I was ready, I had to tell them that I was a boy." I feel lighter already.

His eyebrows scrunch together. "So ... why doesn't everybody know?"

This isn't quite the response I was expecting, especially thinking back to when I complimented his name and he seemed shocked that I knew he was trans. Is it possible that I misread that whole interaction? I'm not exactly sure how to respond. I stall. "Everybody knows that I'm a man."

"But why don't they know you're trans?"

"Well, it's complicated." I hate myself for saying it. That's the worst response an adult can give a kid. So, before he can say anything, I try to correct myself. "I see myself as a man. People see me as a man. And, as long as they accept me for who I am, then that's what I care about ... The people who knew me when I was younger -before I was Mr. Graham- also see me as a man now. Because that's what I am. A man."

I can feel my ears turning red as he stares at me.

"But, like ..." He's searching for the words; some question is formulating. I brace myself. "Is it a secret, or something?"

"Well...I guess, sort of. Yes."

"Why would you keep it a secret?"

Good question. "Um, well, it's not exactly a secret. Only sort of. It's just not something I feel like everyone needs to know."

"Why?"

"Hmm. I guess I think of it as private."

There's an awkward pause before he responds. "I think I like people knowing that I'm trans. I really like going to my group and hanging out with other kids like me. Just being myself and not having to hide anything, you know?"

"Yeah, that sounds really nice. The group you go to sounds really cool. Your mom was telling me about it." I try to steer the conversation away from the closet I've constructed for myself. The shame I'm beginning to feel. Maybe I'm not a very good role model, after all.

"It is really cool. We hang out, talk about SU and She-Ra and ..."

"I'm sorry, what's SU and She-Ra? Those are not terms I'm familiar with." I thought I knew all the new trans vocabulary. I even looked up the difference between "non-binary" and "agender" after the gender sensitivity training with Danielle. But, guess I'm more out of touch than I realized.

"They're not terms! They're shows! You know, Steve Universe? It's on the Cartoon Network?" He's incredulous.

"There are cartoons on the Cartoon Network with trans characters?"

"Duh." His eyes almost roll out of his head.

"Wow, a lot has changed since I was your age."

"Hey, Mr. Graham?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we get back to math? I don't really understand adding fractions and I think we're having a test on Friday."

I blink a few times, and I'm sure my jaw hangs slack for a moment before I recompose myself. "Sure, man, of course." He's definitely thrown a curveball at me. "If you ever want to talk more about this, though, I'm here. I've got your back."

"Yeah, Mr. Graham, I know."

Is he placating me? I suddenly feel old. Irrelevant.

And the person I've just opened myself up to, doesn't seem to think that being trans is a huge deal. I'm not sure whether that makes me feel emboldened, or, well, terrified.