That night Tiffany and I bring the kids out to the backyard after dinner, taking advantage of the evening light and warm weather while it still exists. A few leaves have already started to turn brown, hinting at the coming fall and the inevitable winter.

Spencer is busy stacking rocks, counting them, moving them into his wagon, and then dumping them back into the dirt. I am sitting on the edge of the patio, absentmindedly waving a bubble wand as Nora laughs and chases the iridescent orbs that float along the light breeze.

"Can you believe that?" Tiffany asks, breaking me from my stupor.

"Huh?" Is my thoughtful response.

"Jesus, Xander, do you need a hearing test, or are you just not listening?"

"Sorry, sorry. What can't I believe?"

"Sheila."

"What about your sister?"

"Remember how she said she couldn't watch the kids two weekends ago because Emily was sick?"

I have only a vague idea what she's talking about. Between her mother and her three sisters, Tiffany always seems to be upset about something. I can never keep up. So I just nod along as I continue to blow bubbles.

"Well, turns out that was a lie. They went to the movies!"

Tiffany pauses. This is my cue to say something.

"Yeah, and?"

This is not the response she was looking for. "And? And that is so disrespectful. Why couldn't she just tell me that she had other plans? Why lie? Sisters shouldn't lie to each other."

Something about that just hits me wrong. "You've been lying to your sister for the past fifteen years," I scoff. But as soon as I say it, I wish I hadn't.

"Excuse me, what?"

"About me. Your sister has no idea about me." We're in the backyard. My neighbors have no idea about me being trans either. Not even nosy Susan who is always watering her flowers when we have company over. At least I don't think she knows. So, I try to speak in code.

My comment seems to have caught Tiffany off guard, and she sputters, "Oh my God, what? How is that even comparable?" She shakes her head. "Did something happen at work? You've been weird ever since running into that woman from your high school a few weeks ago."

It's like she can read my mind.

"This has nothing to do with Heather Johnson. But, don't you think it's odd that we live with this huge lie that you've told to your family?"

"What lie?"

"Umm, that I'm trans." I mouth the last word in case Susan is lurking behind a hedge.

Tiffany lowers her voice to just above a whisper. "You are a man. That's the truth. Not sharing your medical history is not lying. It's private. I don't know what any of my brother-in-laws look like naked, so why should my family know what your body looks like without clothes?"

Her response is not a surprise. This is a conversation we've had before. It's something she's always been adamant about.

"There's going to be a transgender fourth grader at my school. I need to attend transgender sensitivity training before students return next week." I let out a sigh. I haven't been able to stop thinking about Blake since I found out.

"And let me guess, you want to say something?" Her tone is accusatory.

"I'm not sure," I admit. "But it does make me feel like the world is changing, and maybe we should change with it."

"Really? Have you been reading the news? Trump literally said that it should be legal to discriminate against trans people. That was less than a month ago. This is not a safe time." Tiffany is beginning to raise her voice. Nora is still obliviously popping bubbles, but Spencer looks over at us, his cheeks streaked with dirt. Who knows what Susan might be thinking. "You are not allowed to make rash decisions that could affect your employment."

"We live in a pretty blue state. I couldn't be fired without cause." I'm starting to feel defensive.

"You work with children. They could find cause if they wanted."

"Yes, but didn't you hear me? One of those children is trans." She doesn't seem to get the point that I'm making. I don't even know what point I'm making. But I can feel my temper waking up, the quickening of my heart, a flush rising in my cheeks. I try to take a deep breath and concentrate on blowing a perfect bubble.

"Are you having a midlife crisis or something?"

"I am not middle-aged!" I snap. A bubble pops right in front of my nose.

"Well, sweetie, you're at basically half the average lifespan of an American male. I think you're middle-aged."

That's depressing. "Well, if I'm middle-aged, then I should be old enough to decide who gets to know about my past or not. Right?"

"Except that if you out yourself you are also outing me."

We're silent for awhile. I don't hear Susan rustling on the other side of the fence, so I guess our secret is safe for now. A blue jay flys low over the yard, landing in a tree with a loud squawk.

"Blue bird," Spencer points excitedly, running toward it and leaving his construction site behind.

I screw the cap back on the bubbles and I pick Nora up. "Look at the bird." I point and she smiles. She's so freaking cute that I kiss her cheek, inciting a giggle.

"I'm not going to do anything stupid," I say to Tiffany. "But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life living like a coward. Especially if I have only half of it left."

"You're not a coward." She walks over and joins me by the tree. "But prioritizing your own safety isn't cowardice. Especially when you have a family to think about."

I shake my head. I don't know. I really don't know anymore.