TW: self-harm, suicide

She's been like this for a long time.

Months over months.

Nearly two years.

She's been having many therapist, her parents have always been treating her the best, her friends have been comforting her every day and taking care of her.

But nothing was helping.

It was too much pressure for a little heart like hers.

How great the day was, the night made everything worse and her life got completly dark.

School was stressing her a lot, she didn't eat and drink much, she found excuses for everything she would have to leave her room for.

She didn't enjoy her hobbies anymore.

Her dreams weren't reachable which made her lose hope.

Bit by bit, day by day, until she was completly hopeless that anything would get better again.

Still she cheered her friends up, cared about them 24/7, took everything on her shoulders.

She talked them out of selfharm and suicide and nearly noone knew how hard she actually struggled with those aswell.

Everytime she felt bad she reminded herself that others feel worse, and with that she always put her problems away.

She didn't accept any help because she wasn't bad.

'I'm fine', is what she told them.

But in the middle of the night, when everyone was sleeping in peace, then she harmed herself, blamed her little stupid head for everything and cried herself to sleep in the end.

She always promised her friends that she wouldn't end it, that she still has hope and dreams and goals to reach.

She wouldn't do that because she doesn't want to hurt anyone.

And she doesn't even want to do it, those are just thoughts.

Day after day she told her friends, night after night she told herself.

But in this one night, she lost her last spark of hope with all the blood she was bleeding.

Since that it got harder and harder to believe herself, saying she's not gonna try suicide.

She kinda didn't want it but she actually really wanted it.

It was a hard battle to fight every day.

And then, on a Tuesday night, she sat herself down to her bedrooms floor.

She took a pencil and started to write:

Hey,
It's me. I know, it's hard to
recognize me, I mean I've
changed a lot during the last
years :)

It's really hard for me to write
down those words, but I've come
to say goodbye...

I don't even wanna imagine you
reading these lines which you
found next to my dead body...

I am really sorry, unbelievably
sorry.
And don't tell me not to apologize:)
It's okay for me.

So, this is a big step now, a
hard one, but I am going
on a long ride now, it's a big
journey and I'd love to tell
you more about it...

But before I'm packing my bag
and moving out of here for a
while, I wanted to say some last
words to you:
At first to my family.
Thanks for you, mom and dad,
for always being here and
supporting me.
I had the best time of my life
with you, you made my world
complete<3
Also all my love to my brother.
Even if we often fought, I am so
thankful for this strong bond we
had.
It helped me when I was down,
everytime<3

Then to my class, hi:)
I don't think anyone noticed how
mentally drained I was, but that
was my goal, so please don't
feel guilty, it's all my fault.
Please don't be shocked or sad for
too long, I'm not worth that
much of your time.
Have a wonderful life, all
of you! And don't do the same
shit guys, it's not worth it<3

And my last words go
to my friends.
I know, I've promised you a
houndred times, but I
couldn't resist my mental health.
I want to thank you for
always comforting me, for
making me laugh during my
hardest moments, for gossiping
all night long, for spending
so much time together.
Just thanks for the best life
I ever had, the happiest moments
I ever experienced.
Please don't blame yourself!
It is not your fault, you didn't
do anything wrong and you
couldn't have done anything
better.
I love you just the way you are,
please don't follow me soon,
I will wait for you<3

Thanks y'all for the best life
I could have had♡♡♡
I love you <33

PS: I found peace now :)

With teary eyes she put the pencil away and got up .

Slowly she made her way to the bathroom, the letter and her phone in her shaking hand.

Her steps were heavy, tears dropped down from her face.

But there was no way back now, and it was the best way out.

Silently she opend the bathroom door and went her last steps to the razor on the window sill.

She sat down on the floor, next to the scale, which had made her life harder than it would have been anyways.

She unlocked her phone, put it next to her and the letter on top of it.

With heavy breaths she took the razor and placed it on her arm.

This was the end.

Then she did it, she made her final cut.

The blood ran down her arm and she layed herself on the floor.

She started feeling dizzy and all the memories rushed in front of her inner eyes.

The happy and the sad ones.

All her favourite people spoke to her with loving voices.

But there was no way back, this was it.

Her last look was at the ceiling, before she whispered her last words...

~Goodbye~