A D I

Putangina.

Last night was a mistake. A big mistake. Sinabi ko na rin sa kanya na wala iyon ngunit hindi siya naniwala kaya narito siya sa harap ng aking pinto. Nawalan na ako ng bilang kung gaano na katagal ang pagkatok ni Kino sa pinto. Hindi ko naman aakalain na seryoso siyang pupunta rito para pilitin akong sabihin ang totoo.

"Baby, please...open the door," pagmamakaawa niya.

Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at pinigilan ang sarili kong buksan ang pinto ngunit hindi ko magawa. Bakit ba ang hina ko pagdating sa 'yo, Kino?

Nang inikot ko ang door knob para buksan ito, sinalubong ako ng imahe ni Kino na hindi ko inaasahang makita.

He looked like a mess. His hair was disheveled and unkempt, which was odd for him as he always liked to keep himself neat when going outside. Judging by how he was dressed, I was sure na may iba siyang dapat puntahan.

Dark circles under his eyes were apparent. I assumed he hadn't been sleeping well since our "argument". Those were never there before. What was worse, it wasn't only dark circles that were in his eyes. It was puffy. Red. Has he been crying? Why?

Agad kong binawi ang kamay kong sinubukang abutin ang mukha niya para haplusin ito. Ayaw kong magpakita ng kahit anumang bakas ng panghihina sa harap niya. "Ano bang kailangan mo sa 'kin?" naiirita kong pagsabi.

"As I said, we really need to talk, Aleah." He let himself in before I could even stop him.

Isinara ko ang pinto sa aking likod at bumaling paharap sa kanya. Ipinagkrus ko ang aking mga braso at sumagot, "And as I said, we have nothing to talk about."

Tinitigan niya ako nang maigi bago muling nagsalita. "I'm not the type to beg, Aleah but if it means kneeling down would get you to talk to me, then I'm more than willing to do so."

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kanyang sinabi. No one had ever said that to me. How else would I reply to that?

"Is it true?" pagtuloy niya nang mapansin niyang hindi ako makasagot. "When you told me you love me?"

I let out an exasperated sigh. "Hindi nga."

Humakbang siya palapit sa akin. "Tell me the truth, Aleah."

Napakunot ang aking noo. Ano bang gusto niyang iparating? "What truth do you want to hear? E, sinasabi ko na nga ang totoo!"

"Another lie. For once, stop fooling yourself. You and I both know that's not the truth," pangungulit niya.

Ibinaba ko ang aking mga braso at nilagay sa 'king gilid. "That's. The. Truth. Wala ng iba," mariin kong sabi. Umiling lamang siya at inulit ang kanyang sinabi.

"The truth, Aleah. I want to hear the truth."

"Ano bang gusto mong marinig, ha?! Na sabihin kong mahal kita?!"

Ah, fuck. Screw it.

If it has come into this, then so be it.

"Gusto mo marinig 'yong totoo? Oo, Kino. Everything I said that night was true. O, ano? Masaya ka na?" pag-amin ko. Kita ko ang pagbaba at pagtaas ng kanyang Adam's apple sa kanyang paglunok. Nang hindi siya umimik, itinuloy ko ang aking sinasabi.

"I have loved you for fucking three years already, Kino. Mula no'ng una kitang makita hanggang ngayon. At putangina, mas lalo na ngayong may namamagitan sa 'ting dalawa. O meron nga ba? Kasi pakiramdam ko pinaglalaruan mo lang ako eh. I was supposed to not expect anything from you kasi nga flings lang tayo, pero simula no'ng magpakita ka ng motibo, umasa ako. Umasa ako na baka sakaling gusto mo rin ako," nanginginig kong pagsabi.

I could feel tears start to swell up in my eyes, but I tried my best to keep them in. "Ang gulo mo Kino, alam mo ba 'yon? You keep on showering me with affection no flings should do. You keep doing actions and saying things that make me think not only twice, not thrice, but multiple times kung ano ba talaga tayo. Kung wala lang ba sa 'yo lahat ng oras na magkasama tayo."

"Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel pathetic! Sa mga oras na nakakaramdam ako ng tampo o selos, palagi kong naaalala 'yong limit ko as a fling kasi wala naman akong karapatan." Saglit akong tumigil para hulihin ang aking hininga.

"Hindi ko alam kung sa'n ako lulugar, Kino." At sa sandaling iyon, hindi ko na napigilan ang pagbuhos ng aking mga luha. Napatingin ako sa itaas, iniisip na baka sakaling tumigil ito.

My eyes went back to him to ask the one question I had been meaning to ask.

"Ano ba talaga ako sa 'yo, ha? Pampalipas oras mo lang ba ako? Am I just a hole for you to enter then leave once you're satisfied?!"

"No, Aleah-" pagsabad niya.

"Then what?!" I burst out. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko bago magsalita uli. "What am I to you?"

Paulit-ulit niyang binukas-sara ang kanyang mga labi ngunit ni isa walang lumabas na salita. That made me scoffed. "What? Can't find any excuses?"

After moments of silence, I finally spoke. "You know what? Let's stop seeing each other. Ayaw ko na."

Just when I thought he would be the one taken aback by my request, what happened was the opposite. Hindi ko inaakala na ako pala 'yong magugulat sa kanyang sasabihin.

He took a step forward. "You're right. Let's end it."

Hindi ba ito naman ang gusto kong marinig? Pero bakit ako ang nasaktan? Ang sakit pala kapag sa bibig niya mismo lumabas iyon. Siguro, deep inside, gusto kong itanggi niya at sabihin na may pagtingin din siya sa 'kin. Ngunit hindi. All I had to do was to accept and move on, which was easier said than done.

"You're not the only one who broke a rule, anyway," he continued which made me furrow my brows in confusion. What does he mean by that?

"Which is?" tanong ko. Habang hinihintay ang kanyang sagot, bigla kong inalala ang mga rules na ginawa namin.

Rule 1. No one should know about our relationship except for our close friends. Definitely not. Kung ito 'yong rule na sinasabi niya'y dapat bukang-bibig na ito ng mga ka-blockmate namin.

Rule 2. Always ask for consent. Our sex was always with consent. Hindi ito 'yon.

Rule 3. Always use protection. Was having sex in the shower without a condom counted here? It was a quickie so I didn't bother. Besides, we talked about this before, and it was settled already.

Rule 4. Keep the relationship exclusive for now, but feel free to entertain other people. Was it this? Did he break this rule the moment my roommate kissed him? I was having second thoughts if it was really this. After pondering what Lexi advised me, it seemed like he didn't kiss her back. So, it couldn't be this. Possibly.

Rule-

"It's rule 5." Napatigil ako sa kakaisip. Nanlaki ang aking mga mata sa narinig ko. Was my hearing deceiving me?

Humakbang siya muli hangga't ilang pulgada na lang ang distansya naming dalawa. Hinaplos niya ang aking mukha at pinunasan ang natuyong luha ko sa aking magkabilaang pisngi. "Don't catch feelings. Because I know damn well I have feelings for you, too."

Napatitig ako sa kanya habang pinoproseso ang kanyang sinabi. Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko na tila bang halos marinig ko na ito. Ang akala kong ako lang ang nakakaramdam ng ganito ay biglang nawala nang kinuha ni Kino ang aking kamay. Sa pagkuha niya ay sinundan ito ng aking mga mata. Inilagay niya ito sa kanyang dibdib, sa kanyang dibdib na tumitibok nang kasingbilis ng akin.

I took a glance at him. His lips are slightly curled upwards. His expression softened, unlike the tense look he had before while he was listening to my confession. "This is how you make me feel, Aleah."

His sudden confession made me happy, though that was at first. Some parts of me still wanted to refuse to believe the words coming out of his mouth because there wasn't a single ounce of a lie I heard in them. This couldn't possibly happen. It was too good to be true.

Binawi ko ang aking kamay at umiling. "No. That's not true. What about Yena? My roommate?"

"Yena? That's the name she told you?"

"What do you mean?"

He heaved out a sigh before looking back at me to explain everything that had happened that day. "Her name is Alena. She was...my ex," he revealed. Before I let out any sort of violent reaction, I let him continue as Lexi's words came into my mind. Buo na ang desisyon kong pakinggan ang paliwanag niya kaya hindi ko hahayaang masira iyon dahil lang nag-react ako nang hindi siya pinapakinggan.

"Remember the time I had to avoid being with you because the longer we are together, the more dangerous it is?" Tumango ako. "It's because of Alena. She was...uhm..." He bit his lower lip, hesitating to tell me what was next. I held his hand, a sign of assurance that he could take his time. He took a deep breath before continuing. "Abusive. Our relationship lasted for three years with pure toxicity. She was overly protective and controlling to the point that every move I make dapat alam niya at dapat sang-ayon siya. Kasi kung hindi...I get beaten up."

It took me time to process what he said. Was this the reason why he wasn't vocal about his feelings? The reason why he found it hard to open up? Just thinking about what she had done in the past made my blood boil so badly.

"It's also been three years since we've broken up and since I had put a restraining order on her. But apparently, it got lifted off and now she's back. Since I don't want to get back together with her, ikaw 'yong ginawang target niya. I can't afford to get you in danger because of her. She can try to harm me, but not you, baby," nanghihinang sabi niya. "Just not you."

"Remember the time I called you and asked if something bad happened to you? You said muntikan ka na masagasaan, right? It was her. I just confirmed days after that she hired men to do that and to warn me," pagtuloy niya.

My mouth let an inaudible gasp. She'll go that far just to get Kino back with her? Unbelievable.

"You could've told me. Para man lang maiwasan ko siya o makaganti ako sa mga ginawa niya sa 'yo," sagot ko.

Umiling siya ng bahagya. I felt his thumb gently rubbing my cheeks. "You don't need to worry. Everything is settled already, and she can't do anything to you now."

He heaved out a sigh. "I know it was a dick move to avoid you without explanation, and I'm sorry for that, but I had to. To be honest, Mat said the same, but trust me. It was better if you didn't know. If you don't know who she really is, she'll act normal. She won't do anything, but once you know, she'll show no mercy. I know how her mind works, Aleah because this isn't the first time she had done it," he explained.

Napangiwi ako. "Not the first time?"

There was a slight pause before he started to respond. "She did it to all the girls she was jealous of."

What the fuck.

It was more twisted than I thought. Akala ko overly possessive ex-girlfriend lang siya pero nagkamali ako. Kaya niyang mang-abuso ng ibang tao dahil lang nagseselos siya? She needs to wake up to the reality that not everything will revolve around her.

"That day when you saw her kissing me, I was supposed to confess to you. I was supposed to ask you out. Pero nagulat ako no'ng nakita ko siya rito at no'ng sinabi niya na siya 'yong bagong roommate mo."

"I don't even know if I can live with her, knowing her true identity," I mumbled.

"Then be with me," he suggested.

I set my face free from his touch as I remembered something. I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at him. "How can I be sure you're telling the truth? As far as I know, you only give me mixed signals."

"About the mixed signals..." sinimulan niya. "I'm really sorry. I should've told you clearly that I was falling for you that's why I acted that way. I thought actions speak louder than words, but then again, actions are also nothing without words."

"Buti alam mo," pagtaray ko. Tiningnan ko siya uli at pinagmasdan. Totoo ba 'to? Gusto rin ako ni Kino? Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Ano nga ba ang nagustuhan niya sa 'kin?

"How do you know you have feelings for me? We started our relationship with the intent to satisfy each other's sexual desires, so how can I know you didn't fall in love with my body? Are you sure you're not in love with the idea of me?" tanong ko.

He shook his head and flash me a soft smile. "I didn't fall for you because you're good in bed, Aleah. And I certainly don't love the idea of you. I fell for you because you're you. Even the littlest things about you."

"I love the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh, the way you snort if it gets too funny, and most definitely your reaction when you realize you just snorted." He chuckled a little as he reminisced about that memory. He noticed that?

"I love the noises you make when you eat good food, especially your dear blueberry cheesecake." Napairap ako sa tono ng kanyang boses nang sinabi niya iyon. Halatang inaasar ako. "I love the way you sway your body when walking, the way your left dimple shows up easily even the slightest movement of your lips, and the way your eyes sparkle when you talk about something that excites you. It makes me excited too."

"I love the things that you dislike about yourself. I love the scars on your legs na sabi mo noon ay galing sa mga lamok dahil lagi kang kinakagat. I love your height even if you wish to be taller. I love to hear your thoughts every time you overthink kahit lagi mong iniisip na ang pessimist mo."

"I also love how you make me feel like home whenever we're together. The comfort you give me with every touch. The way your presence makes everything a hundred times better. You're the closest person who made me feel like this ever since Dad died."

Lumapit siya sa 'kin. Nang subukan niyang hawakan muli ang aking mga pisngi ay hinayaan ko siya. Isinandal ko ang aking noo sa kanyang noo at ipinikit ang aking mga mata nang maramdaman ko ang kanyang hawak. "I just love everything about you, Aleah. I love discovering different sides of you. And hopefully, you'll give me the chance to get to know you more."

No one has ever pointed out things that weren't noticeable about me until Kino did. Heck, I doubt even my exes knew about those things. Ni hindi ko nga namalayan na ginagawa ko pala 'yong mga bagay na sinabi niya.

Para akong nanaginip. I wouldn't lie, I had imagined this moment a couple of times. Pero hindi ko inaakalang magiging totoo iyon. The way he noticed all of those made my heart go wild. I feel...appreciated. Loved.

He distanced himself slightly, just enough so our foreheads are no longer touching each other. He bore his eyes on mine, staring at me intently. "I may have failed to know what love really means because of my past, and I may not love you as much as you did these past three years, but I'm willing to change. I'm willing to change so that I can be deserving of your love. Only if you give me a chance. A chance to court you and start over again."

"Can we start over again?" pag-ulit niya.

Gusto kong umoo. Pero naisip ko, hindi ba parang ang bilis? Masyado akong nasanay sa pagiging fling niya lang kaya hindi ko alam kung tama bang agad kaming magsimula ng panibagong relasyon.

"Kino, I-" Napatigil ang aking sinasabi nang marinig namin ang pagbukas ng pinto at pagpasok ng huling taong gusto kong makita. May dala siyang bagong gamit at tupperware sa kanyang kamay. Mukhang ulam yata iyon.

"Ooh, look what we have here! Was I interrupting something?" aniya.

Kino stepped forward, blocking and shielding me from her. "Drop the act, Alena. She already knows."

Her smile dropped and immediately, her friendly persona was gone.

She dropped the bags that were hanging from her arms as she clicked her tongue. "Tch. It's not a good idea to tell her the truth, Kino. It makes me want to do all sorts of things to her," she said, wickedly smirking.

Every action she makes was unpredictable. One moment she's smirking and now she's offering me the food she cooked. "I heard adobo's your favorite, my dear roommate. Want to give it a try?"

Tangina ba niya? Sa tingin niya ba uto-uto ako para magpaniwala sa mga sinasabi niya?

Being fed up with her, I removed Kino's arm that was blocking me and stepped forward. "Who knows what you put in that? Bakit hindi mo muna subukan?"

Looking at how her composed self became fazed and tensed, it was my turn to smirk. "O? Bakit parang nahihirapan kang gawin sinabi ko? Titikman mo lang naman. Unless...may nilagay ka ngang iba?"

Nang mainip ako kakahintay kung gagawin niya ba ay kinuha ko ang tupperware mula sa kanya at itinabi ito. Maybe it would be of use someday, like an evidence that she tried to poison me. Would that be enough to put her to jail?

Naglakad ako palapit sa kanya at tumungo sa kanyang likod. Malakas kong sinipa ang likuran ng kanyang tuhod kaya siya'y napaluhod. No'ng naningkayad ako sa tabi niya ay humarap siya sa 'kin. "What the fuck?!" pagalit niyang sabi. May sasabihin pa sana siya ngunit hindi ko na siya pinatapos at agad kong sinabunutan at hinila patalikod ang kanyang ulo.

"Aleah!" sigaw ni Kino pero tinaasan ko lang siya ng kamay.

"You know, I don't usually fight violence back with violence, but you're an exception. I heard you tried to harm me, Alena. You seem to know about everything, but you know nothing about me." Mas lalo kong nilakasan ang pagsabunot sa kanya. "Judging from how you're surprised with how I just acted, it seems like it's your first time meeting someone who's not scared of you. Well, newsflash Alena. Not everything revolves around you."

Masyado ko na yatang napapalakas ang sabunot ko sa kanya at halos maluha na siya sa sakit. Too bad for her, I don't care. "Subukan mo uling lapitan si Kino and I'll make sure you'll regret that decision." With that, I released her hair from my hands as I pushed it forward to the point her forehead nearly bumped the floor.

Tumayo na ako't lumapit uli kay Kino pero ngayon, ako naman ang nasa harapan niya.

Matagal na nakaluhod at hindi umimik si Alena pero ilang segundo rin ay bigla siyang tumawa nang malakas. "You're really something, Aleah. This is only the beginning! Now that we'll live together, don't expect me to be nice to you," she said through gritted teeth.

"Wow! I'm scared!" I replied sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"Just stop, Alena," saad ni Kino. "Maybe you were too occupied because of your obsession that you seem unaware of what's happening around you. Haven't heard the news from your father yet?"

As Kino mentioned her father, Alena froze. Ito ba 'yong sinabi ni Kino na "everything has been settled"? May kinalaman ito sa pamilya niya? By the looks of it, daddy's girl yata 'tong si Alena.

"What news?" Alena asked, her voice fading out at the end.

"Oh, it's no big deal. Pinagbayad lang ng tito ko na sinabi mong hindi ko mahihingan ng tulong 'yong mga utang ng tatay mo, which led to your company's bankruptcy." Hindi nakapagsalita si Alena na tila bang pinoproseso ang sinabi ni Kino. "I told you before, didn't I? Your family is nothing without mine."

Naproseso na yata ni Alena ang balita at bigla siyang tuminding. Dali-dali siyang naglakad papunta sa amin at sinugod kami. "Liar! Hindi mo magagawa 'yon! Ibalik niyo pinaghirapang pera ni Papa!" sigaw niya habang pinipigilan ko siyang atakihin si Kino. Naramdaman ko ang pagkalmot niya sa aking braso nang sinubukan niyang itulak ako palayo sa kanya. "Umalis ka nga!"

She threw a tantrum for a while until a voice from outside my doorframe was heard.

"Anong nangyayari rito?!" galit na tanong ni Nanay Tala nang makita niya ang kaguluhang nangyari sa loob ng unit ko. Tumingin siya kay Alena na ngayong tumigil na sa pag-atake sa amin. Ngunit may nakita akong kakaiba sa tingin ni Nanay Tala. Parang unang beses pa lang niya nakita si Alena.

"Aleah, nak, sino ba 'tong babaeng nagwawala dito?"

Ha?

"Siya po 'yong roommate ko na bago," paliwanag ko.

"Ano? Roommate? E, wala pang pumipirma ng kontrak sa akin! Sino ba 'yan?" pagalit na sagot ni Nanay Tala.

I laughed in disbelief as I looked at Alena, her head bowed down. "You're so unbelievable! Parte ba 'to ng plano mo, ha? Ang mang-trespass sa apartment na tinitirhan ko para lang makalapit ka sa 'kin?!"

Kino stepped forward, holding my hand to his. "Leave, Alena. Your plan is busted, and you have no means of trying to get back at us. One move and I won't hesitate to press charges on you, which I doubt you can get out of considering your father's state."

Hinila palabas ni Nanay Tala si Alena sa kanyang siko. "Naku! Sinungaling ka pala! Nagpanggap ka pa na nakatira ka sa pamamahay ko! Layas!"

We watched them exit the house until they were out of sight. I glanced around the room and realized the chaos that just happened. I never thought it would go from confessing our feelings to this. Hopefully, hindi na uli magpakita si Alena sa amin.

Kino broke the silence, which made me snap out of my thoughts. "This wasn't how I plan my confession would be," he said, lightly scratching his temple. I let out a giggle as I step forward toward him.

"It's definitely memorable," I replied with a short laugh. It really was memorable. Sino ba namang mag-aakala na may susulpot na epal sa kalagitnaan ng confession namin? Hindi rin ako.

"Going back where we left," I started speaking again. "Uhm...firstly I'm sorry. I was too scared to hear your explanation because I thought it would be another heartbreak...As for your confession, I'll think about it. Everything that happened today is quite hard for me to sink in. Especially, just when I was about to finally move on from you, you confessed."

Tumango siya at muling hinaplos ang aking mukha. "I know. I understand. Take all the time you want, Aleah. If you want space, I'll give you that. If you want me to distance myself from you, then I will. Until then, I'll patiently wait for your answer." He left a short kiss on my forehead. "No matter how long it takes."

"Kahit isang taon pa?"

"Kahit isang dekada pa. Hindi ako magsasawang maghintay."

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