"Well, howdy! I'm Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did somethin' good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessin's!"

Collin:
Does it make you want to cry

Keenie:
When your loved one has to die?

Cletus:
Does it hurt you through and through

Cletus, Collin, Keenie:
When your face is turnin' blue?

Collin:
Well, luckily for you...

Keenie:
There's somethin' we can do!

Cletus:
We can help keep them alive,

Cletus, Collin, Keenie:
So you can watch them thrive!

'Cause here at C.H.E...R.U.B.!

Collin:
We'll save your honeybun from dying violently!

Cletus, Collin, Keenie:
'Cause here at C.H.E....R.U.B.!

Keenie:
No, we never even ask a fee!

Collin:
Because good people spread the love!

Keenie:
And we're here for all above!

Cletus:
We do the paperwork for you!

Collin:
And the heavy liftin', too!

Cletus:
So sit right back

Cletus, Collin, Keenie:
And let us bless a soul for you!
Oh, we... are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!

-

The television the commercial was playing on got shot by Blitzø, Y/n clapping as it exploded everywhere, putting a shield around herself and the others.

"Nice one, B!" Millie cheered.

"Gimme another, babe!"

Moxxie cleaned the debris while Y/n snapped her fingers, another television appearing, this one playing the 666 News.

"Eh, not feeling it," he said, pouring gunpowder down the flintlock. "Next!"

She flipped the station to a Betty Boop rip-off, seductively dancing. Moxxie flinched back, Y/n watched intentionally, and Blitzø and Millie looked bored.

"Really, babe?"

"I am a simple girl with simple taste."

"Uh-huh. Keep going, keep goin', keep goin'..."

She flipped the station to Wally Wackford. "I say, I say, are you lookin' to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets? WELL, call me at Wacky Wally Wackford's Wacky Idea Factory! where you make the things and I make the money!" Up close to the camera, he began to beg, "Please! I'm very desperate!"

"Bingo!" He shot the television, blowing it up.

"WHOO! You are on a roll, sir!"

The sudden violent shaking arose Loona from sleep, spilling the cup of water on her desk to the ground. "Guys, do you feel that?"

Blitzø grabbed Y/n close, huddling against her waist. "Oh, shit, it's a hellshake!"

"That's possible?" Moxxie asked calmly.

"Alright! Don't panic, Moxxie!" Millie grabbed his arms.

"I wasn't panicking," he insisted with air-quoted, tail straightening. "Because hellquakes don't happen."

"STOP GETTING HYSTERICAL FATTY!" Loona yelled in his face, shaking him violently and slapping him so hard, he knocked against the wall. A wrecking ball hit the wall, crushing Moxxie underneath all the debris. A robotic villain-demon man emerged out of the rubble. Loona got on all fours, growling.

"Do not be afraid!"

Y/n leaned to Blitzø, whispering, "We're insured, right?"

After a second of thinking, he blurted out, "The fuck is insurance?"

Instantly, Millie had taken out her ax. "Who are you and what do you want?!"

He extended his arms across the room, dramatically proclaiming, "I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!"

Loona rolled her eyes. "Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing."

"I am eccentric and must therefore do eccentric SHIT!" [Same bestie]

Blitzø took one sniff of him and recoiled. "Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?"

"YES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HERE!"

Loona was already on her phone, bored, despite the psycho robot in the room with her. "Just sayin'...the front door would've gotten you here fine."

"Shut up, dear furry!"

She growled again along with Y/n, who was ready to drop-kick this dude out the window.

"This is the man I'm gonna need you to kill!" Loopty sung out, handling Blitzø a photo of an old, wrinkly, saggy-balled man in bed.

"Not even a shit's length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I'm Blitzø, the 'O' is silent." He shook hands with Loopty.

"What 'O'?"

"Aww, thank you! This is my girl, Y/n."

"Pleasure, my darling." He took her hand and kissed it.

"Now what's the tea, sis?"

"THE TEA?!"

"Guys, help!"

Realizing Moxxie was still there, Y/n levitated some of the debris so he could crawl out. "Dear Satan, thank you, ma'am."

"Yeah, why are we killin' this guy?" Blitzø asked, elbowing the robot. "I mean, what did he do to you?"

"He was...my business partner!" he spat with disdain. "You see, I was not always an old man!"

"No shit?" Y/n asked, levitating over actual tea for her and Blitzø.

"My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire! Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop, or reverse, the aging process! It could've saved all three trillionaires! Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor, like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius! But the machine was accidentally set FORWARD! By the time we managed to get out...it was too late! At least...for me...now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire WE BUILT TOGETHER! Without me to share it with, he'll make all the goddamn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire...and get ALL the credit!"

"Sounds like your own damn fault," Y/n said bluntly, sipping on her literal tea. [Stolas had an effect on you.]

"But you don't understand! He's horrible!"

"Ehh, sugar-tits' right," Blitzø shrugged. "That's not really evil."

"IT'S EVIL TOWARDS ME!" he cried dramatically. "Now get your asses up above and send that heartless, no-good son of a bitch to Hell, where he belongs!"

"Eh, y - y - y - you do know, Poopty -"

"LOOPTY!"

Blitzø held up his hands. Of course! Of course...if we do kill him, though, and he ends up down here...y'know, you will be stuck with him. Forever."

"Oh, trust me..." He summoned a bunch of weapons all around him. "I'm counting on it."

A minute of silence that Moxxie broke: "That's kinda hot."

-

On Earth, I.M.P sat in a tour bus, the imps wearing wigs while Y/n had on her own white one and red contacts; she insisted it was a niche trend called 'albino' that paired with her white skin. She used an umbrella to 'protect' herself from the sun. She paired it with a grunge one-piece, getting stares from most people on the bus.

[I feel the need to disclaim that I KNOW albinoism isn't a trend, but she's a demon who did minimal research and be honest how much research would y'all actually do?]

"And to your right is the home of famous inventor, Lyle Lipton!" the tour guide said while the crowd took pictures.

"Low-key hate him already," Y/n scoffed, but eyed the mansion. 'Dad.'

Blitzø took off his sunglasses, still looking ridiculous in the old clown wig he had found in storage. "Let's do it, gang!"

They took out their weapons - Y/n's being a machine gun, although she did have a mase in a sheath she had made originally for her guitar, but y'know you find other uses for shit and it kinda just works better. Blitzø had the normal flintlock pistol he preferred, Moxxie an assault rifle, and Millie two swords. They jumped over the fence and posed because Y/n had insisted on it and while Blitzø thought it was stupid, he could not say no to her. So they had practiced for literal hours, Moxxie insisting the choreography was wrong and getting pinched everytime by his boss.

"Let's kill this rich guy!" Millie yelled out.

While they went to the window, the tour guide continued. "And here you'll find four tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!"

More pictures were taken.

Moxxie was the first to look in...besides a cat puppet on Blitzø's tail Y/n had made for him as a gag gift last Sinsmas. "Wow..."

The others peeked through and found Lyle on his bed, an IV bag attached to him and a heart monitor beeping away.

"OH MY GOD HE'S UGLY. LIKE HIDEOUS. I'VE SEEN OLD FUCKS BEFORE BUT THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE."

Lyle kissed a stock photo of money. "Goodbye...my one true love." He began to tie the IV bag. "All the riches of the world can't fill the emptiness I'm feeling now that my shitty old body can't do anything of value."

"Oh, fantastic! He's gonna do our job for us!"

"Cool let's grab lunch then I'm buying." She held up her gun suggestively.

Lyle finished tying the noose and gave one final pull to tighten it.

"Should we go in there and tie it for him?"

"Better idea." Y/n snapped her fingers and a portal appeared. She went through and came back with popcorn and soda. "Don't tell Via I know where her stash is." She passed them out as Lyle was about to hang himself.

[bUt ThEn WhY dOeS bLiTzØ nEeD tHe GrImOuIrE she can only make portals to places she's familiar with and, as seen earlier, she doesn't give enough of a shit to learn about Earth.]

The noose let out a white light and knocked the assassins back. The cat blew away and Blitzø literally ran after it, meowing loudly.

Collin, Keenie, and Cletus came floating down elegantly.

"Oh lord, I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children now!"

Blitzø came back with the sock-puppet en-tail. "Who the fuck are they?"

"NO NOT THOSE FUCKERS -"

"Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!" Cletus corrected.

"I hate filthy, stinking orphan children!" Lyle continued to grumble.

"We're here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir," Collin reassured. "To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven...benefited by your amazing...technological advances."

"Oh, HEEEELL no!" Blitzø yelled suddenly, rolling up his sleeves. He grabbed the pistol and marched through the window. The glass smashed, but for not hurt him. Y/n cheered with one of those big hand thingys and a tiny flag. "Don't listen -" He tried to get off the window, but fell on his face instead. Y/n got in and pulled him up by the head.

Moxxie carefully stepped in as to not do the same thing. "Lyle Lipton, it is our humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die."

"I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you're old and..."

Millie tried to look for the right word, Y/n yelling over her. "UGLY. YOU UGLY. YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI YOU UGLY. YOU UGLY. U! G! L! Y! YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI. YOU UGLY. MMM, YOU'RE MAJOR UGLY. OH, YOU'RE FAT AND PUGLY. OH MY GOD NO THE COW SAYS MOOOO"

Keenie crossed her arms and glared disapprovingly at the Sin. "Now that's just plain not nice! Besides..." She moved the sheets around and Cletus grabbed his wallet. "He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!" She took the wallet and made it rain with whatever money was in there.

"No!" Lyle whined like a child.

"He could pay for new hospitals and schools!" Collin suggested.

He grabbed his blanket and pulled it closer, asking meekly, "Why won't you let me die?"

Blitzø popped right up to his side. "Oh, sounds like ya need help offin' yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?"

Moxxie grabbed a bunch of weapons, throwing them out of his bag. "I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, Tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas -"

"He's classier than that!" Collin exclaimed.

Y/n put down one of the chainsaws she had picked up. "Wait did you say three different colors?"

Lyle put an assault rifle into his mouth. Collin grabbed it quickly. "There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!"

"Yeah, right. Smells like he ain't been out of bed in months!" Millie sniffed him and immediately covered her mouth and puked, grabbing onto Moxxie's shoulder.

"Hey, can I keep the chainsaw?" Y/n asked.

Too busy tending to his wife, Moxxie barley answered with a, "Huh? Yeah, sure."

"Life can be beautiful at any age!"

"And we'll show him!"

"Yeah!"

"NO -!"

-

They wheeled the decrepit old fuck to a beautiful lake in the middle of a valley, the sun just above the hills.

"Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age!" Cletus gushed, then winked. "Or wealth!"

"If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this!" Collin added.

Blitzø came out of nowhere in a tiger costume and Y/n in a cat one, licking her imaginary paws to clean herself. "Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?" he asked, putting his finger through his fist.

Keenie let out a horrified gasp. "That is so inappropriate!"

"Fuckin' prude. Blitzy, let's do it right in front of her just to piss her off."

He shoved Lyle away by the face and sat next to him in the wheelchair. "Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close." He gave him a pair of binoculars to let him watch a bunch of innocent animals get devoured by a pack of wolves.

"Ohhhh, no!"

Collin tried to take away the binoculars. S - stop looking!

"I can't stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!"

A bear attacked one of the wolves and got ready to kill it until a tree fell on him. The man who cut the tree down has a beehive fall on his head, causing him to throw his chainsaw, cutting both of his arms off before being is skewered from behind by antlers of a deer, which was struck down by lightening.

"Uhhh, let's go check out someplace else!"

-

They dragged him through a in mall, shoving him in hard enough to destroy both it and part of the wall surrounding the door. "Oh, lord! Where are we now?! Let me perish!"

"We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for," Keenie said. "Childhood wonderment!"

There were a bunch of kids, one wearing a CraftMine shirt and another picking his nose.

"Why... look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin. Th - their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood...and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this."

"Hey, dipshit!"

Blitzø and Millie had on as elf costumes and Moxxie a Rudolph one, which he hated. Y/n had a sexy Mrs. Clause outfit on, sitting on the arm of the chair the mall Santa was on. "Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?" He pulled off the beard and costume, showing that he was really a gnome. The child on his lap screened along with the rest of the crowd while Lyle literally began to sob. Collin and Keenie covered his eyes and Cletus pushed the bed away.

"Santa's EVIL!"

"Was that really necessary, Blitzø?" Y/n asked.

"Uh, yeah? Who cares, they're just a buncha brats they'll get over it."

-

"Egh! This place reeks of TEENAGERS!" Lyle complained on top of a giant cliff.

"Lovers' Lookout, sir!" Cletus replied joyfully. "We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all!"

His hand came up, trembling, fingers boney. "Money!"

"No! Love," Collin corrected.

"I've never been in love before. I imagine it's quite nice!"

"It's not too late, sir! You can still find -"

All of I.M.P showed up immediately in dresses.

"HA! Nice try, ugly." Blitzø took out his megaphone and yelled through it, "Hey, horny lovers! Which one o"f you would FUCK this old man?!

Everyone booked it out of there in their cars cars. Even Y/n began to run away, only stopped by Blitzø pulling her back by the dress. "Not you, dumbass."

Collin got into Blitzø's face, yelling quietly somehow, "You know, you four are so utterly c - c - cruel! We're just trying to give hope to someone in need!"

Y/n held up the chainsaw she has recently gotten. "Get out of his face."

"And you three are so superior to us just because WE want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to keel over DEAD!"

"You're makin' things too real now, Moxxie." Blitzø sprayed him with a piss bottle, Moxxie hissing at it.

-

In the theater, I.M.P we're gathered on the ceiling, watching the well-dressed audience and Lyle, who just had a bowtie on top of his hospital down. Blitzø wagged his butt and tail like a cat ready to pounce, Y/n watching it and making a mental note of a new fantasy that just popped up.

"So...how do we make this bad?" Millie asked.

"We can't. There's literally nothing bad about opera. That's fact."

"Dunno Mox, they kinda drawn-out."

Blitzø aimed his butt at Moxxie's face, still wagging it. "Unless we ruin it somehow!"

Y/n pushed Moxxie out of the way so that's she was the one by Blitzø's still-moving butt. He took the spotlight and moved it away, the singer running after it.

"She's not very good," Lyle said in the crowd.

The light kept going and going, wiggling aggressively, until it snapped off. The singer let out the last high note before being crushed, blood splattering out to the front row. The audience screamed and the pianist kept trying to play awkwardly. He did not get paid enough for this.

"You killed the bitch."

"Well, at least we made it bad."

The cherubs flew up angrily to the assassins, Y/n drawing out her chainsaw.

"THAT'S IT!" Cletus yelled, any good manners gone. "I HAVE HAD IT! You four monsters have messed with us enough!"

"D'ooh, we're just trying to do our j - j - job!" Collin whimpered.

"Well, so are we!" Moxxie shot back.

"ENOUGH!"

Each now adorned golden crossbows and aim, ready to fire at them.

"We are saving that shitty old man's life, whether he wants it or not!" Cletus said, determined.

"You really want a war between Heaven and Hell right now? You realize I'm a Sin, right?"

"BY TECHNICALITY!"

Blitzø pulled her back by the shoulder and aimed his pistol at them. "Leave her out of this. Someone wants that fucker dead, m'kay, so blame him. And he paid in advance, and I spent it all on this." He let go of Y/n and took out a jewel-encrusted green horse figure wearing sunglasses and a "MARE-AJUANA" cap. "So he's gotta go!"

"Oh my god I love it," Y/n said.

"Really? Sweet because I bought two. Y'know because bracelets suck and I don't have the wrist for them so I thought we could match horses -"

"SHUT UP YOU'RE AN IMP YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SAPPY!" Keenie shrieked before flying at Blitzø. "You all are such disgusting, loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And her, what the fuck is she?! And now, you're trying to meddle with the lives of HUMANS?!"

"THAT'S IT DON'T HOLD ME BACK!"

Nobody did and Y/n tackled Keenie to the friend, wrestling to get her chainsaw started. Millie jumped in, trying to pull her by the wool while more intense opera music played.

Cletus and Collin shot at at Blitzø and Moxxie. Blitzø fired back while Moxxie fumbled for his gun.

The girls rolles off the catwalk. Moxxie noticed and jumped off, grabbing and swinging on a rope. He aimed at Keenie, trying to get around Millie and Y/n. Instead, he shot up at a sandbag. The sandbag hit Keenie. Moxxie swung over and grabbed Millie, who was holding onto Y/n's arm. She had snapped the chainsaw into her pocket dimension she carried her weapons in and pulled out a machine gun, firing down. Millie grabbed Moxxie's face with her other hand, the couple gazing at each other lovingly and kissing. When they got above the stage, Millie pulled two machine guns out of Moxxie's coat and fired next to Y/n, their backs against each other.

Bullets were hitting everyone in the first row but Lyle, who was watching the gruesome scene with a clear understanding. "It's all starting to make sense now. Life is worth living because we only get one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then certainly it's worth living. Killing myself is not the answer! Plus...I'm still rich! I can just buy all the things! I NO LONGER CRAVE DEATH!"

The audience applauded while a woman got shot to death in the eye.

Blitzø and Cletus pointed their weapons at each other. The pistol refused to fire and Blotzø realized that it was empty. He threw it as a last effort, hitting Cletus in the face. He grabbed for it, yelling, "Oof! You fucker!" and fired the arrow, severing the rope holding up the scaffolding Blitzø was on and that the others were still using to swing on. They fell and the scaffolding bent a plank. The pianist stopped and dropped the stool to fall from the bent floorboard. The piano went flying through the air, breaking, and heading straight for Lyle. He screamed, trying to leave. But it still managed to crush him.

"Well, well. Would'ya looook at that?" Moxxie stated to the cherubs smugly. "You..did our job...for us. Heh!" Millie and Y/n held hands and used their outer ones to flip them off.

"Ohhhh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gooood!"

"Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do NOT use the Lord's name in VAIN!"

"THIS...ISN'T OVER!"

They tried to create a portal to Heaven, but we're instantly sent back. A cluster of cherubs descended on them. Deerie looked at her clipboard through her glasses. "Mmm, yeah, no, sorry, Cletus, but I'm afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you can't re-enter Heaven. Yeaaaah, noooo..."

"WHAT?!?!" they shouted together.

"Yeaaaah, mmmmm, sorry, yeaaaah, no..."

"Is there...anything we can do?!" Collin begged tearfully.

"Noooo, no, no." She emphasized by pointing a hoof at each cherub with each no.

"Bu- but we didn't mean to! We'd never! It was all -" Keenie went to point at I.M.P, but they had vanished.

"Anyway, sorry, guys. But those are the rules! Yeaaaaah. Byyyye!" She waved and her group went back to you heaven, leaving the cherubs to sob hysterically.

-

"Welp," Blitzø said back at the office, clapping his hands, "the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he's probably up in Heaven now, so..."

They had gotten WacDonalds, Y/n using her gun to get free food. She munched on some fries, wrappers mostly covering her area.

"It's a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated, and now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up."

" Sir...when are you going to tell the client?" Moxxie asked. He reached for a fey and all Y/n had to do was snap her chainsaw back into existence and he quickly retreated.

"Oh, I already sent him a text, and...we're in good hands, 'cause texts don't make people angry."

"Uh Blitzø it doesn't work that way."

Lupis
U fail, U die

Sorry
🎷

Moxxie ran before an escalator crashed into the office. "BLITZO!"

"Loofa!" Blitzø exclaimed worriedly. "We can explain everything. I was -"

Another escalator crashed through the wall and slammed Moxxie into the ground. Lyle appeared, now a mechanical demon with piano keys for teeth and a rolling ball in place of legs, arrives with a grin. All while Moxxie spazzed out.

"Lyle Lipton?!"

"I don't understand. We thought you went to Heaven," Millie questioned.

"Heaven?! You don't make millions in technological advances in robotics by NOT experimenting on the poor!" he cackled.

"Oh, you no-good, HEARTLESS son of a BITCH!" Loopty laughed, then turned to Blitzø. "Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!"

"The only question now is what do two old genius robotic inventors do now that we're in Hell?"

The ceiling broke open and Wally Wackford crashed through. "Did someone say, I say, inventors?! Name's Wally Wackford, and I am lookin' for creative new people to exploit! I mean, employyyyy ~" he corrected, twirling his mustache.

"Everyone, STOP FUCKIN' UP MY WALLS! Y/n's gonna have to fix all this shit!" Meanwhile, she was already getting a bucket and spackle, wearing a painter's hat. " Satan's balls! First we deal with Heaven's table-scraps, now this?!"

"Well, I guess...you can say, you say, you have a...holey operation here, Blitzo!" Wally slapped his knee and laughed while Loopty and Lyle looked at each other awkwardly.

"Get out," Blitzø deadpanned, but Wally only laughed harder, rolling around on the floor.

"Oh! I say, oh!"

Y/n brought out her machine gun, recklessly firing. "GET OUT OF MY MAN'S OFFIIIIIICE!!!!!!"