Chapter One

I take the file out of my assistant's hands and smiled sweetly at her," thanks Ina."

"No problem Khun Kongpob. But it is getting late, are you planning on working on that now? It's already eight pm." She had a nice face, cute and chubby with round cheeks that now puffed out at me.

I relaxed into my chair and remained smiling, "I don't have to be at home in a hurry. I can stay and work on this for a while. You on the other hand don't need to worry about staying around with me just because you are my assistant. Everything I need I can get myself"

"But—"she made a face," it's so lonely to be here on your own. Everyone else has already left."

Lonely. That struck a nerve but I couldn't let it show. I had three years of practice hiding my feelings.

"Then do you want to stay with me? You could grab us two cups of coffee and we could work together in my office." I was flirting with her and I didn't really know why. Ina has been working for me for six months now and for some reason I could relax around her enough to jokingly flirt with her.

She laughed," there you go again Khun'Kongpope, trying to divert my attention from what's important. And no, I don't want to stay here with you. I've got a boyfriend waiting at home for me."

I schooled my expression. "Then what are you doing talking to me, go home quickly."

After some more exchanges, I ushered her to her car and came back up on the lift. As the lift silently went up towards my office my mind slipped and his face came up like it hasn't been four years, like I hadn't tried like crazy to forget him. His face younger than mine was now. I didn't know what he looked like now after four years, probably still as good looking. Does he still do that thing with his mouth? I shook my head from the painful downward spiral I was headed. It was like staring down a really dark pit knowing how hard it is to climb back up once you go tumbling down. On some nights I couldn't help it. I go tumbling down the sweet and bitter memories I still keep dear to me despite how much they hurt. And they hurt, so much. I don't think any amount of years can ever reduce that pain, but I can go through life everyday without crashing. It's not really living if I was truly honest but it was all I had and right now going down that road was not an option, I had business deals to close and projects to lunch.

After working a few years at Ocean Electric, I thought it was a good time to start something new on my own. I was looking at a ready to lunch entrepreneurial company and didn't really have time for hanging out at clubs anymore but my difficult friends would not let me be.

"Ai' Arthit, stop making a face, aren't you happy that we came all the way here to be with you?"

"I'm trying," I smiled uncomfortably at Bright.

"Oi, look at the face he is making, I'm not feeling hungry anymore."

We sat in a crowd, easily filling up two rows of seat at the famous noodles place. My friends that I haven't seen for a long time easily made the place rowdy and noisy in no time. Everyone was trying to catch up; Bright's bar had gotten pretty successful over the years and Pem had moved up from photographing models to directing movies, Nott was married and expecting a kid. As for me, it felt like my life was in a stand still. I was neither moving forward or changing like my friends nor going backwards. I was just stuck in the moment.

When I told them about my new company, they all seemed pretty proud of me but I didn't trust their smiles. I didn't feel it was an achievement, not like theirs. The reason is because they each had someone by their side, even Bright which honestly surprised me.

"So Arthit, when are we going to meet that special someone," Ching brought my mind back to focus. While I stared speechlessly trying to come up with something to say, the others followed up with even more questions.

"Oh Arthit, have you really found someone?"

"Why didn't you bring her with you?"

They all assumed it was a she. Well it should be, after giving up on the love of my life because he was a man who else would I date? But there was no one. I didn't have the time and I wasn't really interested in dating. I couldn't summon the energy that took. Even though I was really jealous of my friends I didn't really want what they had.

"There is no one okay!" I finally decided not to come up with any excuses and just come out with the truth in an explosive sigh. And they all stared at me. I suddenly felt the need to explain.

"You know I have been very busy with the company and everything. It is a budding company and I don't really have the time. So—"

Nott nodded, "its okay, Arthit, no one here thinks less of you for not dating."

"It's just we don't want you to be alone."

"If you need a means to meet people then just tell me, I'll connect you to some really cute girls and you can choose whichever one you like."

"Ai' bright your choice of cute girls borders on the inappropriate, you know that right?"

"What?! I have great taste in girls"

"For a pervert"

"Hey, take that back!

"

I smiled at them as they teased Bright to the point of tears.

"Hey, does anyone know if Kong would be coming?"

We were already an hour into the gathering when his name popped up. Funny how even though you are expecting something and it shouldn't feel like a surprise it still manages to shock you. I covered up my expression and met May's eyes, she seemed to be pointedly looking at me.

"Oh, did we invite him?"

"Of course we did, he said something about being busy. Maybe next time or later."

It took a moment before Aim's words got to me. "Wait, what's happening later?"

"Uh, the trip? Why are you acting like you are just hearing about it Arthit."

"Maybe because I'm just hearing about it for the first time."

"No way. Who was responsible for informing Arthit about our vacation trip together?"

"It was you Bright!" everyone chorused

"Oh?" the cow pointed at himself and smiled.

I eyed him feeling like I had been set up. What was he up to? "I can't believe it. You guys, I didn't make any plans to travel. "

"It's only for two days, Arthit. And you no longer work for a company anymore; you can take some time off."

I shook my head, "have you forgotten that I just started my own company?"

"Which is yet to be launched right?" he laughed, "we'll help you with the launch; just take a few days off. You know how long it's been since we got together like this."

He placed an arm around my shoulder laughing. I didn't hate the idea of going with them; in fact I missed hanging out with them so I didn't argue for long. I just kicked Bright under the table and he cried out.

"What was that for Arthit?!"

"That's for not telling me on time"

"Arthit, we will go back with you to get your things. The others can go wait at the bus station. We've booked a bus for us there" Nott suggested.

"Okay that sounds good," I replied. "Um, is um..." I hesitated to ask if Kongpob was coming as well. Years have passed and maybe the bitterness of the years had lessened. I don't know but I didn't think it would be such a bad thing if he came along. I was okay with seeing him again.

"What is it Arthit, say what you want to say."

Pressured like that I couldn't, plus I was a little worried about the answer." Never mind. Let's go."

I had planned not to go with my friends, not because I heard P'Arthit would be there, but because I had things to do and to close off. So I was in my office working on some things. I wondered distractedly if they had already gone to Hua xin and if they managed to convince P'Arthit to go with them. Was he going only because he knew I wouldn't be there or maybe I was just over thinking? It's been four years, a lot of years to get over someone and P'Arhtit never loved me to begin with.

I noticed I was no longer focused on what I needed to do but blankly staring at the chart on my computer screen.

"khun'Kongpob, are you alright?"

I blinked up and found Ina in my office. When did she get in? "Oh N'Ina, when did you get in. did you get the files I asked for?"

She looked at me funny and said," I already gave you those files, Khun'kongpob. You don't look okay; I think you should go home."

I took off my reading glasses and massaged my nose bridge. It did hurt a little but that was not the problem. My concentration was shaken. It was like one mention of P'arthit and knowing where he possibly was at that moment and how I could be there too if I wanted to was enough to destroy all the focus I had built over the years and I hated that. I hated it a lot.

"I'm fine," I ended up snapping at Ina. "Just get the president of the Ye group on the line for me I need to speak with him."

"Okay," she still hesitated to leave and kept passing me worried glances through the glass windows at me.

I took off my suit jacket and tried my hardest to get back to work.

"Uh, Khun'Kongpob sir, I know you said I should keep away any personal calls but there is a call from P'Aim here for you." Her voice came through the intercom as I was typing. I paused. There was only one reason Aim would be calling and it was to confirm that I wasn't coming and to try and change my mind. It was too late, I couldn't leave without making some plans which would be very hard to make when they would be leaving in a few hours. I knew I wasn't going still I said,

"Put him through.'" I sighed knowing I was in big trouble.

"Hey, the big shot CEO finally answers" his voice was a little irritating but I somehow still missed it.

"What's happening," I asked.

"The usual, we are at the station waiting for the others."

"Where are they?"

"Getting their stuff. You sure you don't want to come with us. There's an extra seat for you."

I was pretty sure that was true and they really were open to my joining them. It was a big deal to have all of us together and for two days. I felt a lump in my throat, a longing that made sense to me but I didn't really want to feel.

"Anyone else joining you guys?"

I know I wasn't being very subtle but whatever.

"Hmm, yeah. P'Arthit." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Only him?" I asked. He laughed seeing through me.

"That's everyone if we include you Kong."

"Oh. Well then have fun."

"He asked after you though. I think it is special that you two still feel strongly about each other after four years"

I sighed. "I'm not going. You can't convince me so don't bother"

"Convince you? I thought you were too busy to get away. Could it be that you are avoiding him?"

"What?" I blinked into space.

"Well if you could get away but aren't and making excuses not to come then there can only be one reason. You are avoiding P'Arthit. "

I stayed silent not coming up with any excuses for myself. Let him think that.

"Kong, just come ok? Maybe you'd get some closure once you see him again."

"I don't think so," and I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

"That's usually how it is. You just need to finally come to terms with what has been holding you back from falling in love again."

I let him talk because I really had no idea what to say.

"And do you know how long it has been for you? You haven't even tried dating anyone. I don't want you to be alone forever"

"I don't need to date anyone, Aim."

He sighed at me. "So are you planning to be alone forever, don't you think you are being a little ridiculous? I know that P'Arthit hurt you and you are finding it hard to move on but you have to move on at some point. You've been struggling on your own all these while and now here comes an opportunity for you to get over it and you don't want to."

I wanted to argue that he didn't know that my seeing P'Arthit again would make me able to move on, but I didn't know that too. I didn't know that seeing P'Arthit again would not make me finally let go completely as I thought I did when I gave him back his gear. But I was worried that the opposite might be the case. What if I took one look at him and realize that I missed him, that I couldn't—

I pulled myself out of that thought." I don't think that is a good idea," I sighed.

"But it is not a bad idea, what do you have to lose. Just get your butt down here already."

I ended the call making plans with Aim to delay their departure for an hour more. Once I dropped the phone I felt like something heavy had gotten off my shoulder and I felt lighter. I got up and wore my coat, calling Ina as I walked out the door. She was more than pleased to hear that I was taking a vacation. My senior manager also seemed thrilled when I told him I was leaving the rest of the dealings in his hands. I wondered why everyone was so eager to see me out of the office. I wasn't that much of a work alcoholic was I?

When we returned, he was there. He looked much older but not very much different. Same broad shoulders, same hairstyle, but his smile which always turned up at me was absent. I couldn't stop looking at him and I wasn't trying very hard to. His eyes met mine and locked like two magnets. Everything else seemed to fade into the background but I could feel myself walking still, towards him. We stopped in front of each other and crashed into reality when we couldn't find what to say. A simple hello seemed beyond us.

"Alright the whole gang is here," Bright said, "so before two people stare themselves into the ground let's get going"

"What" I blinked away and the spell was broken.

"Long time no see P'Arthit" his voice had not changed. I look at him again and he was smiling.

"Kongpob, "I said and that was all I could contribute to starting a conversation.

"You look good, how have you been?" but Kongpob never had that trouble, even with me.

After that first few talks we got on the bus and both sat away from each other. We were very civilized with each other. He seemed to have moved on and was smiling and joking with everyone. I was as well but there was a hollow feeling in my chest. As we journeyed on and talked like we were a little more than strangers that feeling grew until I went quiet, trying to get in terms with it. I didn't even understand myself.