Chapter Five

I wasn't sure what I was asking for until I finally said it and then I was appalled at myself. I was the one who said we should be friends, I was the one who couldn't deal with the fact that I was in love with a guy and now I was putting all the blame on Kongpob. I looked at him, at his expression, to guess what was going on in his mind. He didn't look angry or upset, or hurt. He just looked confused. I guess he would be, he didn't know that I know what he said to Aim. For him it seemed like we were doing fine getting along and then I just went and said all that. I almost wanted to take it back, but when I thought about it I couldn't help but think it was a good idea. If Kongpob didn't feel anything for me then I didn't want to hope anymore.

We were completely silent. I guess I was okay with that; the silence suspended the moment. Then he said into the silence," I'm sorry P'Arthit, I didn't know I was confusing you."

I said nothing looking at the ground in front of me. "It wasn't my intention," he continued.

I felt him shift and realized he was moving in to seat beside me. I focused my gaze on his legs and avoided his eyes as much as I could. He was wearing shorts now and sneakers.

"I thought you had it all figured out and I was just trying to keep up with your pace."

I scoffed, "I don't have anything figured out. You are the one who has it all figured out. You are so sure of what you want Kongpob, you always have been."

He shook his head and I met his eyes. He was smiling, "if I look that way to you then I must be better at covering than I thought. I'm just as confused as you P'Arthit. It's true that with you I know what I want but that doesn't make it simple."

"Why not. If you know what you want then you just have to take it right?"

He was silent for a moment and gazing towards the sea. I did the same.

"What about you?" he asked. "Do you know what you want?"

"Yeah," I said confidently and met his eyes. "And I know what I want I can't have."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Okay, tell me what you want." I shook my head and pushed up to stand but he caught my hand and tugged me back down but this time I fell between his thighs.

"Kongpob!" I tried to pull away from him. I don't think he meant to put us in this position and I could hear some people coming behind us. What if they took our picture? It wasn't as incriminating as that picture had been but it wasn't good. People can't see us like this.

"This is why taking what I want is not so easy." he said next to my ear, but I wasn't listening. I got him to let me go then I jumped to my feet. The people coming were two men holding hands. They both wore shorts and t-shirts and looked to be having a good time. I felt embarrassed beyond belief and when they passed I noticed Kongpob staring at me.

I didn't have anything to say to him and he looked hurt. I hurt him again. He got up and dust himself off then he turned to leave. "You don't get to look at me like that. You gave up walking with me remember? "

'The way I remember it you were the one who didn't want me walking with you"

"When did I say that? I never said anything. You just went and returned the gear to me."

"You didn't have to say it, P'Arthit." He turned to look at me and then I couldn't take it anymore.

"Does it have to be like that? Can't we just go back to the way it used to be? Oh no wait, you don't care anymore do you since you don't plan to ever get back together. You don't have to pretend to care."

Somehow I felt stupid for saying that but I held on to my silly justifications. That he didn't love me anymore, that he gave up on me too easily, that we didn't have to be public about everything.

"If that's what you want to believe then go ahead P'Arthit I'm not going to stop you, but just don't pretend that it has anything to do with how I feel now or how I felt then. You know what the real problem is."

"Kongpob, don't say it," I said harshly and swallowed, my eyes on the ground next to his feet.

"you hate being in love with a guy."

I shook my head, "I don't hate being in love with you."

"but you hate that I am a guy."

I bit my lip and met his eyes. "its—" but really, I had nothing to say  to defend myself. I almost argued that he said he'd accept me but even I was fed up with myself.

"so you see, " he started, "it isn't so simple." With that he walked away. I watched his back fade with nothing to say,

I didn't go back that night because I wasn't ready to face Kongpob and he probably didn't want to face me either. I stayed at the bar and got drunk. The bartender should have cut me off two hours ago, vaguely I knew that but I didn't care. Everything seemed less bleak and I was smiling as I observed my glass of whisky. There was something pretty about it, kinda like Kongpob's eyes. He had pretty eyes, I wondered if he knows that. I should tell him.

I got up to do that and almost fell flat on my face. Damn, I was so out of it. The world spun around and settled on the face of a guy. He was looking at me funny, smiling. He approached me and said, "hey handsome, need a little help?"

I don't know what led to another and I was being held up by him as we walked through blurry hallways. I tried to bring my mind into focus and maintain it but everytime I did it slipped away again. Still instinctively I didn't want to be following this man anywhere.

"hey, let me go." I said it well in my head but it came out as a mildly intelligible slur. He laughed like I was real amusing and I looked up at him.

"you are real cute, " he said. "I have been eyeing you since I saw you at the beach. Why did you get this drunk?"

That's a good question. Maybe it was because I thought I would drink all my problems away?

"who are you calling cute... hey you are a guy." I was really smart stating the obvious but that wasn't what I meant.

Thankfully he understood, "yes, and so are you. Good thing I like guys. "

"I I don't, "

"You will learn."

At some point through the conversation and the stumbling we had made it to a room. His room I realized. He unlocked the door with his key card and pushed me in. I leaned on the wall cause my legs were jelly and then took one look around. "I don't want to be here," I said.

He laughed and dragged me to him by my shirt and tried to kiss me. "Hey!" I punched him. More like smack, trying to make a fist required some serious concentration so I smacked his ugly mug.

"I don't want this let me go," clarity came out of my mouth thank heavens.

"you are already here, I can't go back." He drew me to him again, crushing me to his chest and that sent repulsion racing through me. He started kissing my neck and I screamed in my head, screamed for Kongpob. I didn't want anyone else touching me like this.

"Hey!" someone shouted, and the guy was pulled away from me. I saw him get punched and shoved against the door. It was Kongpob. I tried to focus on what was happening, I think I was smiling.

"don't you ever touch him again!" after one kick to the man Kongpob came to me. His eyes were really nice even angry, I smiled. He cupped my cheeks and stared into my eyes.

"how drunk are you," he said.

"Very, "I replied with an impsh smile. He exhaled, his warm breath brushing my face. I think he was going to say something but I kissed him before he could. It wasn't our best kiss and Kongpob didn't do anything, he just stood frozen, but it had felt right. It felt perfect and safe and like I was finally back somewhere familiar. Yes, it felt like returning home.

I pulled back and cupped his face smiling, "I love you Kongpob. "