you give me
the best of me.

TAGS: namgiseok / triggering themes: anorexia/bulimia, mentions of weed & xanax use, detailed vomiting / homophobic slurs / angst and fluff / recovery from anorexia / mentions of relapsing / comforting / shitty family members / happy ending / longshot.
PLAYLIST: idontwannabeyouanymore / billie eilish, answer: love myself / bts, serendipity / jimin, that's okay / D.O, magic shop / bts.

NOTES another long one uwu this is LORGE && this is for stormieee aka tsundoki, hope u enjoy love!

( 💫 )

NERVOUS FINGERNAILS SCRATCH at the pale skin of a tummy that used to be non-existent, sunken, as if nothing resided within the confines of the boy's body. the full, rounded flesh is now soft to the touch, and a gentle hand moves the bitten fingernails from where they're carving red marks into the skin, the touch delicate and soft.

"baby, don't do that," gentle voice, gentle lips pressed to the back of his hand. yoongi smiles softly at his boyfriend, chewing on the inside of his cheek, allowing hoseok to intertwine their fingers. they're sat at a café in downtown busan, the quiet bustle of city life a nice sound to yoongi's ears. "hey, namjoon! over here!"

the tallest of the three boyfriends looks up at hoseok's voice, awkwardly carrying three coffee cups with a matching awkward smile. namjoon's attitude tends to be awkward; when you're a six foot tall, platinum haired gay man in korea, it's kind of hard not to stand out, in ways you don't want to. "okay," he smiles, sitting beside yoongi on the blue painted seat, pecking his cheek. "a soya latte for you, my baby, and a decaf mocha for you, my sunshine."

yoongi accepts his coffee, leaning into the warmth of namjoon's body. autumn wraps around them like a blanket, a little amount of sunlight filtered through the grey clouds overhead, all the three clad in warm coats. namjoon smells like cinnamon and sandalwood incense, warm and comforting, and yoongi loves how he's short enough to fit his head snuggly on namjoon's shoulder.

"you nervous about going to see your parents, baby?" namjoon asks, looking at him from the corner of his eye with a reassuring smile. yoongi bites at the inside of his cheek again, thinking back to running his nails over his tummy. he didn't have a pouch of fat there last time he saw his mum; he barely had enough flesh to pinch between two fingers, let alone an actual tummy.

"yeah, i- i really am, joon," yoongi sighs, sipping at his hot coffee. "mum never really... well. she doesn't know."

"doesn't know what?" asks hoseok, obviously unsure what yoongi's talking about. the black haired boy sighs, looking down at his thighs, that are also bigger than they were the last time his mum saw him.

"a-about my eating disorder. she just-she just thought i was on a health kick. she supported it! she made me salads and cottage cheese and helped me get those iron tablets from the doctor cause i cut meat out-" yoongi clenches his fist, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling their eyes on him. "she doesn't even fucking know i made myself throw up every. goddamn. day. she doesn't know i'm bisexual, or that i'm dating two guys-fuck." he clutches at his hair in desperation.

yoongi's life before namjoon and hoseok had been, in quick summary, a shitshow. alcoholic dad who left when he was seven, an unhappy wine mum who remarried one, two, three, four times before he was nineteen, and, perhaps the worst of it all, from fifteen to eighteen, he was severely underweight, anorexic, bulimic, and suicidal.

fifteen was an odd, horrible year. freshman year of highschool-no one told you it'd be easy. but yoongi hadn't expected it to be this hard. it was the year of a homecoming dance that he went alone to, the weird, hip hop obsessed kid who didn't have any friends, who had barely even started puberty, sans the acne littering his face like a plague.

fifteen bought knowledge of his sexuality, after a bunch of kids roped him into seven minutes in heaven at a party with some other socially inept so-called 'nerd'-who was actually a really nice girl, sam, who yoongi still keeps in touch with-, and the kiss, god, it was terrible, and they both hated it, and sam had broken away and they'd both gone "fuck, i think i'm gay" at the same time. fifteen bought stepdad and husband number four, who was a personal trainer with his own gym line over the country, and that was where yoongi first found body issues.

back to the present, hoseok's hand rests reassuringly on yoongi's, pressing a kiss to his scalp, the soft mint of his shampoo tingling in hoseok's nose. "it'll be fine, lovely. you'll be fine."

"i hope so," yoongi sighs, and inhales the soft smell of the two boys, vanilla and cinnamon, like a festive coffee, mingling with the smell of yoongi's own mint shampoo. they're warm and soft beside him, comforting, all three of them bumping shoulders and touching some part of one another, hands or legs or just fingertips touching, the warmth and touch just enough comfort. "you guys... be prepared for whatever my mum's gonna say. she can be... a real piece of work."

he's not allowed them to meet his mum yet. two years into this relationship, and the last thing he wants is for them to meet his mother. she didn't want a fag for a son, so he was already enough of a disappointment without dating two men. she'd hit the fucking roof. but he's turning twenty soon and she wants him back in town, always makes a big deal out of decade birthdays, and he wishes he could skip, but it's not an option. everyone in his family is gonna be there-aunts, uncles, cousins, all sorts. and then yoongi, with his tattoos and long hair and two boyfriends, both equally as odd as he is in the eyes of society.

yoongi just leans into hoseok's side, breathes deep. it'll be okay. it'll be fine.

they spend the night together, somehow fitting all three of them laying on the couch, watching say yes to the dress lancashire because yoongi's a sucker for reality tv ( and namjoon likes the dresses, yoongi knows he does ), and with hoseok's arms around his middle and namjoon's feet intertwined with his, yoongi really knows he has a home in these two boys. they scooped up the skeletal, starving paper boy and made him whole again, replenishing both his stomach and his heart, gentle and caring and oh so lovely. yoongi had never welcomed anyone into his life the way he did them, had never opened the door of his heart in fear of what they'd do once inside, but hoseok and namjoon, well, they were different; they were loving. at eighteen, yoongi was all out of love.

sixteen bought drugs and making yourself throw up, crying in the bathroom with a bottle of booze and making yourself numb because you don't wanna be you anymore. sixteen was when yoongi was smoking weed to make his brain dissolve, because it erased the hunger pangs and wasn't it poetic, in a way? ( he'd always been a pretentious artist ).

he'd become an expert in calories, well versed in how much he should eat, best friends with bulimia and her pal anorexia. when yoongi was fifteen, his personal trainer stepdad had commented on his weight, how his thighs were bigger than the average males, judged him for not being a football player, and yoongi hadn't stopped thinking about it. when he looked in the mirror, phantom fat seemed to fill his tummy, thighs and everywhere else; in his mind, he was bloated.

yoongi became a skeleton within the course of a year. laboriously planned, he counted calories, learned how to stick his fingers down his throat without crying, ate only exactly the amount of calories his body needed and threw them up afterwards. his mum and stepdad thought it was a health kick; girls at school thought he was a beauty ideal. dainty wrists, a slim stomach and tapered waist, a thighs gap. you could look past the protruding ribs and hipbones if you focused on the beauty standards. yoongi just wanted to be pretty.

namjoon sighs softly as an episode of the show ends, shuffling around so he's facing yoongi, pressing a soft kiss to his nose. "you're beautiful," he says, and he's been saying so much, all throughout these two years, that yoongi actually believes it. "love you."

"love you too," yoongi says back, sleepy because it's getting later, the darkness of their living room making his eyes droop. "seokie?" he looks over his shoulder to see hoseok's fallen asleep against him, him and namjoon softly chuckling.

"oh, hoseokie," namjoon sighs, nuzzling his face into yoongi's neck. "i would say we could sleep here, but..."

"hell no. this is uncomfortable as shit to sleep on."

they wake hoseok up together, and soon are curled up in their large bed, yoongi sandwiched between his two lovers. while hoseok's breathing deepens and namjoon snores in an incredibly cute way, yoongi stares at the wall with restless eyes. his family have never been all that brilliant towards him; he always calls his friends his actual family because of it. seeing them again... it's going to be hard.

namjoon throws an arm over him and yoongi's just engulfed in love and warmth, the comfort of their presence enough to make him feel okay. he's going to need them more than ever when he returns to daegu. his mum hasn't moved since he moved out, so the house will bring up unwanted memories of bathroom tiles and bathroom scales, of xanax and numbness, of ribs and paper skin. yoongi's highschool is there too, where he would eat lunch in the toilets and cry when he looked in the mirrors, and he'd bruise easily in gym class because of iron deficiency, and eventually he had to stop doing sport because he fainted and he couldn't do basketball like that. everywhere will bring up memories of a past he'd prefer to forget.

yoongi remembers when he first met namjoon and hoseok-his saviours, he had called them then.

at eighteen he went to college. he rented a place just off campus, moved out of his mum's house down to gangneun, where he was going to study music. it was yoongi's dream to sit behind a piano in front of an audience someday; he was beautiful then, his target weight-a mere one hundred and ten pounds-finally achieved, and he was ready for a new life.

within the first week, he found a person to share his apartment with; yoongi wasn't working yet, and he needed a flatmate to split rent with, so he had an ad out. a bubbly boy with startling red hair had turned up on his doorstep, and introduced himself as jung hoseok, a film student, from gwanju.

yoongi was very uncomfortable around him, he remembers. he'd gotten used to hiding his disorder from a mother more concerned with other matters, not from an attentive flatmate. throwing up, skipping meals, it all became difficult when your walls were thin and you couldn't convince your flatmate you're 'on a diet'. yoongi struggled, gained a pound within a semester, and ended up making himself throw all of that pound up within a few days.

he took a long evening gym visit where he ran and ran until he couldn't breathe, and then some more. yoongi fainted at eleven at night, and hoseok had been his emergency number.

yoongi grimaces in discomfort at the memory as they drive to the busan train station, sitting half asleep in the backseat as namjoon plays shura from his phone and hoseok orders their coffees at the costa drivethru. he remembers, uncomfortably, how hoseok had seen the full extent of the damage that day, with yoongi in his hospital gown, all his bones jutting and protruding, his eyes sunken and skin sallow; remembers how hoseok had choked on his breath when the doctor told him yoongi's weight.

"you alright, baby?" hoseok hands him his latte, looking at him with concern as namjoon pulls out of the drivethru. yoongi nods, sips at the coffee.

"yeah, just... thinking."

"don't think too hard, yoon, you'll worry yourself too much," namjoon's eyes meet his in the rearview mirror, brown rings full of emotion. yoongi nods, smiles at him, albeit half-heartedly. "let's get some sing-along music on!"

after hoseok scrolls through half of spotify, he gives them a sneaky and sly smile before tapping on a song, and the opening chords of come on eileen start to play. namjoon cries out excitedly, and yoongi woops, all three of them starting to belt out the lyrics. it's in moments like this that yoongi feels like he really belongs with these boys, feels like all the worry melts off his skin and just leaves love and happiness behind. these moments make him feel good.

yoongi was forced to explain to hoseok why he was this way, and hoseok had broken down, broken down and told yoongi he loved him, told him that he was fucking perfect and that he didn't need to do this. he was a large part of his recuperation, despite yoongi not wanting to fix the damage he'd inflicted upon his body.

then, in their second semester, after christmas holidays spent in their apartment with hoseok trying to get him to eat and yoongi trying hard to quit his xanax habit, they met a boy. kim namjoon, a medical sciences student, who was looking for a place to stay, and despite their apartment being two bedroom, they did have a sofa bed, and even though yoongi was hesitant, he was sweet and he had pretty eyes and he was just... kind, in a way not many people were.

hoseok and yoongi were dating, and they made their first decision as a couple together the beginning of spring semester; they'd befriend kim namjoon, and if they liked him and he liked them, they'd allow him to stay with them. and namjoon was... yeah, wow.

namjoon worked as a teacher's assistant in an on-campus health van, which would give you free check ups, tests for STDs, condom, tampons, any kind of health thing that they could without prescriptions. namjoon was so proud of his job, so glad he was doing the community some good; it make him so happy, despite the pay being rubbish, and his happiness was infectious.

they ate lunch with namjoon for a month, hoseok keeping conversation flowing as yoongi picked at the food, both the aspects of cafeteria food-honestly, hundreds of tuition money, and that was the crap they served?-and the prospect of getting fatter putting him off it. namjoon figured yoongi out quickly, though, with his minor in psychology, and he had offered any kind of help he could. god, he was ( and still is ) such a sweetheart.

the boyfriends go through a medley of eighties sing-along songs and old k-pop, belting through whitney houston and girls generation, queen and exid, the lyrics ingrained into their brains. yoongi leans on the back of the front seats and smiles, his worries somewhat gone, shoved to the back of his mind, filled instead with happiness thanks to his wonderful boyfriends.

"right, here we are." namjoon parks the car in the long-term parking lot, paying twenty thousand won to a machine for a week's stay, and they all get out. the sound of trains passing by quick is accompanied by falling rain, which the boys run through to get to the platform, laughing with their suitcases clattering behind them.

busan to daegu is around a four hour train ride, but they have half an hour to spare beforehand, so they hole up in a café, where there's warmth, music and food. yoongi listens half to his music and half to his boyfriend's chatter, paying little attention to both, still tired from the early start for their 8:30 train. well, he uses that excuse at least. his mind keeps going back and back to his mum, and her boyfriend, and all of his family. they're going to be so judgemental.

namjoon moved in with the boyfriends eventually, with a few boxes of belongings and a helpful cooking skill. he was actually very amazing to have around; he understood the medical side effects of yoongi's anorexia, and tried to help anyway he could, making meal plans and working out what would be best for yoongi. yoongi remembers resisting; he still saw himself as disgusting, especially now he had gained two pounds, the weight starting to show in his stomach area, albeit small.

his compliance was always hard, but namjoon and hoseok were both very understanding people. yoongi remembers the specific night when everything came together; he came home from a long piano class to a beautifully cooked feast of foods characteristic to daegu and its culture, the smells and looks all bringing back very specific childhood memories. hoseok had had this dumb enormous heart-shaped smile and namjoon had been standing proudly, both of them looking at him expectantly.

he'd burst into tears.

they laugh about it now, how yoongi had blubbered for ten minutes about his childhood memories and how grateful he was for both of them, and then they ate and they drank this weird fruity alcoholic thing hoseok had made, and they had laughed, and once he'd drank enough, namjoon confessed. he was in love with both of them, he told them, and he understood if they weren't open to the idea, and he'd move out tomorrow if they wanted.

well, look where they are now.

hoseok glances at yoongi once they're on the train, the older boy leaning his head on the window with his hood up. yoongi's come such a long way in his eyes; yes, his calorie counting habit isn't exactly kicked, but he does it in a more healthy way now, and he insists on eating food from good sources, which has always been namjoon's intentions too. he kicked his xanny and weed habit early on, thanks to hoseok flushing whatever he had down the u-bend when he found out-they'd fought hard about it, but eventually hoseok made him see the damage he was doing.

namjoon looks at yoongi and feels his heart fill with love and admiration, proud of how yoongi's evolved. he remembers long nights where he'd cry over the pounds he was gaining, where he would have reverted back to his old habits if they hadn't been there. namjoon helped him understand why he was doing this, why he should stop, using both the physical and psychological aspects of his medical knowledge, practically giving yoongi therapy because they couldn't afford a legit therapist. yoongi's come so fucking far now; his cheeks are chubbed up, his thighs are thick and soft and gorgeous, his little tummy is pretty and smooth and they always make sure to tell him these things. yoongi's insecurities still exist, because getting rid of your old ways is hard, but namjoon and hoseok fight them off as much as they can.

yoongi's so beautiful to them, with all his flaws and imperfections. he's beautiful.

they reach daegu as the afternoon sun begins peak behind the rain clouds, the train shuddering to a halt. namjoon awakens yoongi, and they brace themselves for what they're about to confront, knowing that as they step off this train carriage they're confronting yoongi's difficult past, and there's no going back. namjoon squeezes yoongi's hand, hoseok looks at him comfortingly, and they share quick kisses before the carriage door opens and they step outside.

"yoongi!"

a handful of mins are stood on the platform with big grins, waving. yoongi sees his mum, husband number five-a keeper, apparently, who works at a tech company-, his mother's sister and her husband and their two children, now teenagers who were twelve when he last saw them. he forces a smile on his face and falls into his mother's embrace, ms min smelling like the comforts of his childhood.

"my son!" she says happily, squeezing him tight. "how could you not visit me for these years?"

yoongi shrugs, biting the inside of his cheek. "sorry, mum, i've been... busy," she can't see the new accumulation of fat on his body thanks to namjoon's big hoodie swathing his form, but he's still nervous nonetheless. "a-anyway, there are people i want you to meet."

namjoon and hoseok, who had been standing away from this reunion, step forward, kind and open smiles on their faces. yoongi takes a deep breath, seeing his mother's confused look. "m-mum, these are my b-boyfriends."

namjoon smiles warmly and holds out his hand for ms min to shake, the stunned expression on her face quite clear. "hi, i'm kim namjoon. lovely to meet you." it isn't, but they make it up.

"i'm jung hoseok," hoseok shakes ms min's hand, glancing at yoongi briefly to see how he's feeling. "it's a pleasure, ms min."

"w-well, yes, lovely to, uh..." ms min is quite shocked, so yoongi moves on to the rest of his relatives, an easier smile on his face when he approaches his cousins.

"soobin, jaemin!" his cousins give him big grins, obviously happy to see him.

"hey hyung!" jaemin grins, giving him a hug. "you have two boyfriends? aw, bro, i'm jealous. i can't even get one person to like me!"

yoongi laughs, beckoning his boyfriends over, as they're busy introducing themselves to ms min's husband, taeseob, who looks equally confused. the teenagers are both exceedingly polite, and yoongi feels like they'll be the only comfort while he's here.

"are you doing okay, yoon-hyung?" soobin asks quietly. "we heard from someone you were dealing with drug issues or something."

yoongi bites his lip. "i had quite a rough patch, but i'm okay now. it wasn't drugs. i'll tell you about it soon, okay? not here."

soobin nods, smiles, and yoongi turns to face his aunt and uncle. "hey auntie sooyoung, uncle jaewoo," he bows smoothly, with a smile. his opinion of his extended family is conflicted, seeing as he never saw them much growing up. his aunt, surprisingly, pulls him forward and kisses his cheeks.

"look at you! you're all grown up!" she says, grinning widely. "and you've filled out, too, how lovely." she pinches his cheek, which makes yoongi squirm and groan. jaewoo chuckles at his wife, shaking yoongi's hand and pulling him in for one of those back-slap man hugs.

"how was college, kid?" he asks, his eyes glinting. yoongi shrugs.

"almost got my degree... i, uh, dropped out- but! i met these two," he gestures at namjoon and hoseok, who are laughing at his cousins. "honestly, they made the whole thing worth it."

"so, all three of you are...?" sooyoung asks, eyebrows raised.

"dating, yes. i met them when i was eighteen," he says, smiling. sooyoung nods slowly, taking it in. "that's namjoon-he was a medical sciences major-and that's hoseok-film major, and he was my flatmate from the beginning."

"uh... huh," sooyoung purses her lips, watching the two boys with a wary eye as they talk to her sons.

"well, i don't know whether we're all going to fit in our cars!" taeseob interrupts the conversation, an arm around his wife. he's good enough, yoongi supposes, with salt and pepper hair and a faint beard, the middle age weight gain evident around his waistband. but he's not a slob, judging by the nice clothing he's wearing. namjoon laughs awkwardly, gravitating towards yoongi's side, reaching for his hand.

"we can call a taxi, if necessary," hoseok offers, a gentle smile on his lips. "it's no problem."

"surely we can fit," jaewoo says. "we have a spare seat. one of the boys can go with us! and then you'll have a seat for the luggage, yoomi-ah."

ms min nods. "yes, that would work. yoongi, hoseok, would you come with us?"

"yay, we get namjoon!" jaemin says happily, smiling at the tallest boyfriend. namjoon chuckles.

"c'mon," yoongi pulls namjoon down by the collar for a kiss, laughing at the angle. "see you in a bit, babe."

he knows it's risky doing this in front of everyone, but he's goddamn proud of his boyfriends, and he'll be damned if he isn't going to act normal around them.

the car ride was long, awkward, filled with questions about everything except the whole boyfriend topic. yoongi was glad once they pulled into their street, his childhood neighborhood as familiar as it ever was, all the houses pretty, all the lawns mowed and green, all the people perfect and smiling. yoongi's mum blabbers on about the family members who'll be there in two days for the party, while he and hoseok look out the window, yoongi pointing things out.

"the highschool popular guys had parties there all the time... oh my god, miss kwon still has those ornaments?... oh, my first girlfriend lived there-"

"hold up, girlfriend?" hoseok laughs, looking at him with amusement. yoongi rolls his eyes, shoving him with an elbow.

"yeah, dingus, the 'bi' in bisexual means 'two'," hoseok gives him a look, and yoongi sighs. "yeah, okay, we were fifteen and it was just before you-know-what, and it lasted two months. her name was hyejin."

"wow, yoongi," hoseok laughs, kissing him softly. "no highschool playboy stories?" he says exaggeratedly, and yoongi laughs.

"no. one girlfriend. that's it."

"we're here!" taeseob says, pulling into the driveway.

the min's house is a squat two stories plus an attic, painted pastel blue, with a small porch at the front and a big backyard for parties. the front garden is more well tended than yoongi remembers-maybe taeseob has a green thumb-, bursting with colourful flowers, and he even spots sweet honeysuckle climbing up the side of the house.

"wow," yoongi says as he steps out of the car, looking up at it. "it-it's barely changed at all."

"your room's been made into a guestroom, yoongi," his mum informs him, while taeseob gets their bags out. "you can stay in there... we'll have to put down some campbeds, i reckon."

"oh, namjoon and i can do that, ms min, no worries," hoseok beams, his heart-shaped grin bright and pretty. "look, there he is!"

sooyoung parks her car behind taeseob's, the young boys eagerly getting out, namjoon following. there's a lot of talk and whatever, but yoongi sneaks his boyfriends away from it, wanting to be alone with them. so much company is overwhelming all at once.

the walls beside the stairs are covered in family photos, but yoongi notes the absence of any of the ex-husbands, which makes him smile. namjoon laughs at photos of yoongi when he was small, points out chubby cheeks and gap-toothed smiles, and yoongi laughs too, until they reach photos of him when he reaches sixteen, photos of him before big events like homecoming dances or whatever.

"god, yoon," hoseok gingerly touches a photo of yoongi with the basketball team, holding a trophy, before he had to quit, the grin on his face a disturbing contrast to the shirt hanging from his skinny frame. "you were so skinny..."

yoongi gulps. "they let you play basketball like this?" namjoon asks, astonished, worry laced in his tone.

"coach only stopped me after i fainted twice from overexertion," yoongi mumbles, hands in his pockets. "it's whatever, c-can we just..."

they go to his old room, yoongi's stomach twisting. it's been redone completely, his posters gone, his bed stripped of the black and white covers, the walls painted a light green rather than the grey he had had. there's coffee-table books on the desk, things like '1000 films to see before you die' and boring shit like that, and it just looks wrong. yoongi sits on the bed and looks around, tears brimming in his eyes at his lost childhood, everything as good as gone.

"fuck," he whispers, hanging his head. namjoon and hoseok sit beside him, the mattress dipping, and let him cry, rubbing his back soothingly. "i-it's a lot."

"we know, baby," namjoon says. "c'mon. let's unpack, and get changed. your auntie was gonna get dinner done, some kind of frozen noodle and beef dish."

"naengmyeon," yoongi sniffles, smiles through the tears dripping down his face. "we always ate that at hers. it was jaemin's first solid food."

"are soobin and he twins?" hoseok asks, trying to distract him. "they're the same age, right?"

"yeah, unidentical ones though. quite a surprise to sooyoung," yoongi tries to control his stuttering, inhaling deeply. "they're sweet kids, right?"

namjoon chuckles. "true gen z kids, man. absolutely mad."

"boys?" they all look up to see jaewoo knocking on the door, leaning on the frame. there's a mattress propose against the wall outside. "i got a mattress, but there's only one going spare with us staying, i'm sorry."

"it's fine, mr moon," hoseok says, standing up to take it.

"are you alright, yoongi?" jaewoo asks, stepping into the room. yoongi sniffles and hums, wiping his tears quickly.

"y-yeah, just... overwhelmed."

jaewoo nods, helping hoseok put the mattress down. "i'll, uh, send the twins up with bedding. let you get settled."

yoongi nods, thanking him.

soon they're settled, unpacked with the help of the twins, who are the bubbliest and nicest kids yoongi's ever met. soobin tells them all about their school in jeju, what life on the island is like, and jaemin talks about the party ms min is planning and who's coming. yoongi changes into something more comfortable and put-together than his boyfriend's hoodie, wearing a striped monochrome button-down and jeans.

"hoseok, could you do my hair, please?"

yoongi's shoulder length black hair is a mess at the best of times, and currently resembles a bird nest. jaemin watches attentively as hoseok french braids yoongi's hair neatly, fingers skilled. namjoon's changing too, while soobin boredly plays candy crush on his phone, sitting upside down in the white armchair ms min shoved into a corner.

"so, yoongi-hyung," jaemin says, laying on his back on the mattress. "you said you'd tell us about 'things' soon?"

yoongi sighs, glancing at him. "you kids..." he closes his eyes. "when i was fifteen, i started making myself throw up because i thought i was fat. i was anorexic and bulimic, you know what those mean, right?"

jaemin's mouth starts to open in shock, and he looks at soobin, and back at yoongi. "hyung, i- god. that's horrible."

"it continued until i was eighteen. i-i did do drugs, yes, but i wasn't addicted. i smoked weed and t-took pills to numb the pain. a-and then i went to gangneun for college, and met these two."

hoseok smiles, kisses the exposed back of his neck gently, on the small heart tattoo they all have there. jaemin nods, biting his lips. "well, i'm happy you recovered." he wraps his arms around yoongi, and the oldest boy melts into it, glad his little cousins are so lovely. sometimes kindness comes from unexpected places.

-

YOONGI'S TWENTIETH BIRTHDAY party is full of his extended family, people he hasn't seen for years, but none of them from his father's side. thankfully, his mum didn't invite too many from taeseob's family, just his two brothers and their families.

currently, yoongi's in his room, stressing over every minuscule part of his appearance, looking at the array of nice shirts on the bed, some his and some namjoon's or hoseok's. his boyfriends and the twins are in there too, talking, and none of them really want to go downstairs.

"so who's here, exactly?" yoongi asks, running a hand through his hair and holding a black button down up to his torso to see how it'd look. soobin hums, soft music playing from his phone.

"uh, granny min is here, so are auntie dongha and uncle shinwon with their son donghyuck, um, single aunt eunha, great-aunt sunmi with her daughter seulgi, uh..." soobin's counting this out on his fingers, while yoongi pulls on his final choice of shirt, a red shortsleeve with chinese dragons patterned across the chest. "god, you know your dad's uncle who actually shows up?"

"uncle lee? yeah, brilliant, i love him. he married yet?" yoongi grins. lee hun is his nicest relative, even though he's his scumbag dad's brother.

"yeah! some guy named jinho. they got married in vienna."

"oh wow!" namjoon says. "gay relatives for the win!"

hoseok chuckles, letting out an 'oof' sound as yoongi sits on his lap, braiding his hair without yoongi even asking. soon, they head downstairs; they can't put it off anymore.

"yoongi!"

instantly, yoongi and namjoon are mobbed by his auntie min, a women with a pinched face and hair tied into a stiffly organised and hairsprayed bun, tottering on high heels with a glass of gin in her hand. "hi, auntie." yoongi grimaces, knowing her views on everything.

"you've filled out, look at you. weren't you on a diet before? you looked good then," she laughs, and yoongi's stomach twisted. "anyway, who is this tall drink of water?"

"this is namjoon, my boyfriend, auntie," yoongi says, through gritted teeth.

"oh! lovely to meet you. and happy birthday, yoongi!" she spots someone in the crowd of people, and waves. "sunmi, seulgi! look, yoongi's here!"

hoseok joins the two boyfriends just as yoongi's great auntie and cousin join them, seulgi looking as gorgeous as ever, great-aunt sunmi aging miraculously well for 63. "hi seulgi," yoongi says, actually happy to see her. "great-auntie, hi."

"happy birthday yoon!" seulgi hugs him and kisses his cheeks, looking radiant. "you're looking great. and these must be the boyfriends yoonmi told me about!"

she introduces herself to them, while sunmi talks to yoongi. "so, you turned out a deviant, then?" she leers, and yoongi nods, a lump forming in his throat. "well, lucky you. you've put on quite a bit, haven't you? you were a lot skinnier back then. suited you. and what's with the hair? i know you're gay but-"

"-mum, let's go get you some food, shall we?" seulgi looks at yoongi apologetically, pulling sunmi away. yoongi takes a shuddering breath, leaning hard into namjoon's side, wanting to cry or throw up or anything but be here.

"baby, it's okay," namjoon kisses his forehead, putting an arm around him. "lets get some drinks, some food, hm?"

the backyard is all decked out with banners and tables of food that taeseob, sooyoung and yoongi's mother prepared. namjoon grabs three bottles of ice cold apple cider and passes them around, yoongi never letting go of his hand, wanting the comfort now more than ever. a man dressed sharply in a pink and white shirt walks over, an easy smile on his features, dued blonde hair as long as yoongi's; his uncle lee.

"hey kid," he smiles, and yoongi breaks away from namjoon to give him a hug. "how's it going, bud? how was college?"

yoongi smiles, feeling like a little kid again when he sees him. "hey. college was okay, i, uh, met these two," he gestures to namjoon and hoseok. "these are my... my boyfriends."

hun grins and shakes their hands, looking at yoongi with pride, placing a hand on his shoulder. "i'm so happy you've found yourself yoongi. last time i saw you, you were so skinny and just... how did no one see you were in pain? you were hurting, it was so obvious."

yoongi breathes out shakily. "i don't-i don't know, uncle, truly. anyway, how's things? soobin told me you got married!"

"oh my god, you have to meet him," hun turns around, cupping a hand to his mouth. "jinho! darling, come meet my nephew!"

a man with light pink hair and kind eyes steps out of the crowd around the barbeque, dressed in a large denim jacket and jeans, a pair of glasses askew on his face. "hi hi hi!" he says, all bubbly and positive energy, extending a hand to yoongi. "you're the nephew, i know, i've heard a lot. i'm jinho, lovely to meet you."

his energy is overwhelming yet amazingly uplifting. yoongi introduces his boyfriends, and they talk and laugh easily, finding the first sort of good company. yoongi's in middle of listening to jinho talk about their honeymoon in new zealand when his mum puts a hand on his shoulder.

"come and talk to the rest of the family, dear," she says, poison laced discreetly in her tone, and yoongi has to comply. she's never liked hun, and he supposed him showing up with jinho is the final straw.

his aunties, uncles and everyone else are standing by the barbeque where taeseob is cooking burgers, and although everyone smiles and welcomes him when he comes over, there's definitely some hostility and bad vibes in the air. he can't blame them.

yoongi stands self-consciously with his hands in his jean pockets, as his auntie eunha addresses him, his whole body stiff. "so, yoongi, what are you doing now you've finished college?"

he didn't finish college, he dropped out after he turned nineteen. interesting how they're turning a blind eye to that. "well, i'm working part time at a record store and also as a waiter, but my main moneymaker is the music tutoring i'm doing at an independent alternative school."

"you're living in busan?" her husband asks, cradling a beer bottle. yoongi nods.

"yes, with namjoon and hoseok. rent is a bit steep, but with three of us working, like, six jobs between us, it gets paid easily." he takes a long sip of the cider namjoon gave him, glancing over at the two of them. hoseok gives him a supportive thumbs up, mouthing 'you can do this!'.

"what do they do, yoon?" seulgi asks, actually seeming interested, her dark eyes inquisitive. yoongi smiles; he loves talking about his boyfriends.

"well, namjoon has a medical major, so currently he's interning at a medical center which diagnoses STDs/STIs and gives lectures on sex education and safe sex. to be fair, he gets paid the most, and he's doing what he loves," he chuckles softly, ignoring everyone's looks and just looking at seulgi, who smiles encouragingly. "hoseok-ah is working two jobs, one is at an independent video production firm who make short films and music videos, and the other is at a library, but that's only twice a week."

"a medical major, huh?" jaewoo remarks, eyebrows raised. "nice catch there. he's gotta be pretty smart."

"he's a genius," yoongi smiles. "he double majored, medical and psychology. he wants to be a therapist for struggling gay kids, or gay people with AIDS/HIV."

seulgi smiles, the rest awkwardly fall into silence, and the conversation switches. "yoongi-yah, you're looking very different," auntie dongha comments, her arms folded across her disturbingly ample chest, and t-shirt that reads 'when, where, who, what, wine'. yoongi swallows awkwardly.

"isn't he just? college changed him." his mum laughs like it's a joke, whereas his change in college is actually a touchy subject to him.

"yes," dongha says, looking him up and down. "you were a lot more, you know, fit in highschool. and where did the hair come from?"

"that's what i said." great-auntie sunmi grumbles, and seulgi shoots her a look.

"and the tattoos, honestly yoongi." his mother casts a disapproving eye at the detailed tattoo of a ribcage decorated with flowers on his arm, quite a significant one to him, as it represents his skeletal state when he was anorexic. he clenches his jaw, breathing deep. you can do this. you can do this.

"have you stopped dieting and working out since then, yoongi-yah? i remember you were on the basketball team, no?" his uncle shinwon asks, and his grip on the cider bottle tightens.

he can't do this.

"actually, uncle shinwon, i wasn't ever dieting or working out," he spits the words out in a calculated manner, hands tensed into fists. "don't know if any of you or mummy dearest noticed, but i was fucking starving myself, okay? i was very, very, very unhappy with how i looked, so i made myself throw up, made myself a fucking skeleton, and you thought i was on a diet? i quit basketball because i fucking fainted while playing." he laughs painfully, angry tears brimming in his eyes. "and you know what? now i've fucking stopped, and i've found people who love me, and i'm not fucking enough for you? yeah, i've fucking 'filled out' or whatever you wanna call it, because i'm eating the normal fucking amount! and you know what? fuck all of you!"

he's crying now, his voice shouting and loud, and namjoon and hoseok are there, but he's seeing red. all he wants to do is revert back to everything he was before, wants to go back to bathroom tiles and undo all the work he's done because he's not good enough, he never will fucking be good enough for these people.

"you're all bastards, i hope you know that." he can hear uncle hun's voice, angry in tone, and his feet are moving, hoseok and namjoon holding him up, soft and comforting words being whispered to him. he can't register much, tears streaming down his face.

namjoon lays with him to calm him down, the soft mattress dipping beneath them, yoongi cradled in his arms. jinho, hun and hoseok are doing damage control downstairs; yoongi can faintly hear his uncle's satoori accent angrily telling his relatives off.

"it's alright, baby," says namjoon softly, brushing his cheek with his thumb, kissing him gently. "you're okay."

"i wanted to do it again, joon," yoongi whispers, ashamed, a knot twisting in his stomach. "i'm so sorry, please don't be mad."

"baby, of course i'm not mad," namjoon sighs, pressing his forehead to yoongi's, looking him in the eyes. "d'you wanna talk about it, doll?"

yoongi shakes his head, knowing that namjoon wants him to talk, the psychology student in him emerging, but he's too mentally exhausted to even consider it. he moves closer, as close as possible, and buries his face in the cashmere sweater namjoon's wearing, the smell and softness of the fabric comforting, tears soaking into it quickly as yoongi allows emotion to take over.

"hyung?"

soobin's voice comes from the door, and namjoon lifts his head to look at him, stroking yoongi's back gently. "hey soobin. you okay?"

"mmhm, i'm okay. i, um, bought you some cake. i don't think yoonmi is continuing the party after... that. well, she is, but not including yoongi because she's a bitch- but anyway, cake." namjoon smiles at the boy's slight awkwardness, beckoning him in. "it's chocolate and vanilla."

"thanks, soobin. you're a good kid." namjoon says, feeling yoongi slowly drift off to sleep. soobin smiles, sitting on the armchair with the plate of cake slices.

"our family are really fucked up... jaemin's really afraid to tell mum and dad that he's bisexual because of shit like this. and great-auntie sunmi is just so embarrassing... i'm sorry you had to witness this. and i'm sorry yoongi-hyung can't just come here and be happy."

namjoon sighs, looking at yoongi's relaxed form with concern in his eyes. if this triggers yoongi to start up again, it'll make things so bad. he hates seeing yoongi like this. "could you get hoseok, please soobin? and your brother. yoongi needs to be in good company. he needs to be taken care of."

soobin nods and scurries off, and namjoon carefully slides off the bed to lock the door to the ensuite, which is where he's sure yoongi spent his teenage years making himself be sick. he doesn't want to trigger any bad memories, doesn't want yoongi to feel worse.

hoseok joins them fine minutes later, and yoongi awakens with the sound of the twins laughing, sitting up on the bed and clutching his knees. "hobi, joon... 's getting bad again," he says quietly, not looking at them and his boyfriends exchange a look.

"do you want to take your meds, yoongi?" hoseok asks, sitting beside him. he nods and sniffs, looking so small and helpless curled up there on the bed.

"okay, jaemin, can you please get me water from the bathroom down the hall? namjoon, find yoongi's medication, please angel," hoseok takes charge, pulling a crying yoongi close as the boys do as they're told. yoongi's shaking shoulders and heaving chest worry him, but someone has to be the stable one here. "yoon, baby, it's alright."

"i'm fucking fat, aren't i?" yoongi spits the word like it hurts him, digging his bitten nails into his arms. "i'm disgusting. they all liked me back then, maybe it was better-"

"yoongi, no," hoseok grabs his hands, holding them tightly, looking yoongi in the eyes. "yoongi, you are not fat. even if you were, it isn't a bad thing, my love. you're at the best weight you can be for what you've been through. being underweight like that again, it won't make you happy, darling. namjoon and i love you like this, and we will love you no matter what, because you're beautiful."

"i'm not, hoseok, i'm fucking not!" yoongi yells, trying to move his hands from his grip, but he can. hot, angry tears stream down his face, distraught with emotion. "look at my fucking thighs, and my stomach, and my fucking baby cheeks! it's fat, it's all fat!"

"yoongi," namjoon sits on the bed and takes one of yoongi's hands, knowing that he's scaring soobin with his outburst, and he's scaring namjoon too. "yoongi, listen to me, okay baby? eyes on me. you're not fat. your mind is telling you this because you've just been through something that reminded you of your past, which has triggered you into wanting to relapse. this isn't you, baby. you're not your eating disorder. you're yoongi, who is a perfectly healthy, wonderful boyfriend and an all-round amazing person. you have people who love you so much in this world; your uncle hun, his husband jinho, your cousin seulgi, the twins, us-yoongi, you're beautiful. anyone who says otherwise is fucking blind."

yoongi's crying hard at this point, as are namjoon and hoseok, tears streaming down their faces, and they fall into a tearful embrace as jaemin walks back into the room. "jeez, what'd i miss?" he asks his twin, who smiles, wiping a few tears of his own. namjoon composes himself and holds yoongi's meds out, taking the glass of water from jaemin.

"here, baby," yoongi swallows two pills and takes a deep breath, leaning in to kiss namjoon. "you're okay."

"thank you," yoongi says, kissing hoseok as well. "thank you both, so much." he looks at the twins, opening his arms. "c'mere, you nerds."

they end up cuddled together awkwardly on the bed beneath a huge duvet, a movie playing on namjoon's laptop, the door locked and separating them from the horrible world. soobin texts their dad and tells him where he and jaemin are, and they get the okay to hang out with their cousin.

"maybe we shouldn't stay for a week," yoongi says, picking bits of cake from the slices with his fingers. "this is... a bit much."

"no, yoongi-hyung, we want you to stay!" soobin says, latching onto his side. yoongi chuckles, ruffling his hair.

"we could always stay somewhere else, baby, staying here isn't our only option," says namjoon, and hoseok nods in agreement. "i've always wanted to explore daegu."

yoongi hums, leans into hoseok. "maybe. let's see what tomorrow brings, shall we?"

the sleeping arrangements end up being 'whoever can fit on the mattress can sleep there', so the boyfriends squeeze together on the twin bed, and the twins take the single mattress on the floor. as they fall asleep, yoongi thinks about how there is so much hurt in this world, so many horrible people, and yet he's in a room with four of the best people he knows. love is such a complicated and hard thing, self love especially, but when you find the right people, love goes from a spark to a blazing wildfire, and it mends you, fixes you up and shows you you can be okay. he smiles at the thought. yeah, he'll be okay. as long as he has them.

-

notes / 120819

i am in a PUDDLE of my own emotion i love these boys

also this is the longest thing i've ever written !!! so yay !!!! i really hope you enjoy, this was challenging to write but i got super into it and it's been really nice :) ❤️❣️💓💕💖💗💟💝💞

so quick q, what're you guy's favourite bts albums? mine are wings, answer and tear uwu tear is queen

- love, jace