Very little to say. On with the show

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Junmyeon's POV

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You were the one that got away, Yixing.

Something I always regretted. But never more prevalent than the present. As I lay here. Middle of my floor. Empty soju bottle in hand. The room spinning around me.

I'm sorry I ever took your love for granted.

I never truly realized how much you encapsulated my life until you were no longer here. Until my unreachable demeanor drove you away too.

Walls I'd built to protect myself.

Walls that were supposed to keep me safe.

Walls YOU came barreling through like they were nothing more than building blocks, a goofy grin stretched across your features. I let you in, even if everything in me screamed not to.

It was the only time I'd let someone passed the defense I built myself.

What you saw as a challenge you quickly decided was actually something worth nurturing. You took a heart hardened by time and pain and molded it into something beautiful and worthwhile.

I am so god damn sorry I didn't see that any sooner Yixing. I should have.

It should have been a giant neon sign above your head. Love lives here. Love blossoms here. And yet I was never good at picking up on the obvious. You could have slapped me full in the face with it and I still probably would have just turned the other cheek.

You were patient with me.

You were kind to me.

You loved me when I was clearly unlovable.

I should have done the same for you in return.

And yet I repaid all the wonder you brought to my life with distaste. Scorn. I looked you in your face and laughed. And all you did was smile and offer love in return. And understanding.

How could I let this happen?

It was maybe the time I let Chanyeol convince me to go out late. We were stupid. Drove a little too fast. Got in trouble with the law and spent the night in a local jail cell. You picked me up in the morning, the first frown I'd ever seen you wear etched into your features.

And yet all you did was shake your head, kiss me silly, and walk out to the car with me in tow. Chanyeol sheepishly followed us out because of course you couldn't let him stay behind.

Or maybe it was the time I went clubbing with Jongin and Sehun and got shitfaced and almost kissed a random bar hopper. Sehun practically dragged me out the door. They took turns confessing to you. I think they were worried on my behalf. You sighed. You thanked them and sent them on their way. Then you led me inside and drew me a bath and sat with me as a drifted in and out of consciousness.

I just realized I never thanked you for the bath.

I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, Yixing. I've done a lot of things to you. I've done a lot of things to myself.

Was I ever good to you?

I think I was. The day I brought you home your favorite sushi because you'd been busy all day studying. Or...or the time I picked up flowers to put on our nightstand for you. Daffodils. Your favorite.

See? I paid attention sometimes. I knew the foods you liked. The clothes you preferred to wear. The times you preferred to study because the light seeped into the office just right.

You could always one up me though. You knew the perfect temperature to steep my tea. You knew the exact way to fix my tie every time I did it crooked. You knew what books to leave out on the coffee table to appear sofisticated to guests and which ones to leave on my bedside table so I could attempt to read them. You knew what volume to turn the radio on in the car so we could both comfortably listen. You knew the words to my favorite song by memory and sang it to me while you danced around our kitchen and cooked is dinner.

God I miss you.

I didn't even know I could miss you. I was starting to believe I wasn't allowed. Because it was my fault you left anyway, right?

At least that's what you told me on the day you left.

You rushed out the door so fast I almost didn't catch you.

Tears streamed down your cheeks.

You cried about how it was all too much and not enough all at once.

You demanded just before that though. That I leave you alone. That I let you go. That I stop stealing your happiness.

What changed Yixing?

I'm sure it was me. I kept you at arms length, even when I didn't have to. Even when you proved you were in my corner. Even after time and time again you poured from a cup that never emptied into a cup that never filled.

That had to be exhausting.

I'm so sorry Yixing.

That analogy always struck me as odd. Cups. Like we had the capacity to hold things in us. Maybe it was simply because I couldn't. I lacked that skill. Even when I thought I didn't. I knew I couldn't, actually.

I tried. I tried for you. You felt worth that much at least.

If the cup thing were true then you would be a pitcher. Massive and full, with enough to give to others unending. Sweet as sugary drinks come. I love that about you.

Loved. That about you.

Sometimes it's hard to think of you in past tense. Because sometimes in my mind you never really left. You just ran to the store. Went out to eat with Baekhyun and Jongdae and Kyungsoo. You went to the park at the other end of our neighborhood to join the free yoga class they put on every Thursday evening except the days it rained and snowed. You would come waltzing in the door with bags swinging and your usual cheesy grin on your face, branishing your trinkets high like a mighty prize. I used to find the clutter kind of annoying, though I'd never tell you that. You loved your treasures.

I would give just about anything to have you fill the space again.

It's so lonely with you gone Yixing.

The rooms are bare. I can't bring myself to put anything else up. Because it feels like I would be erasing you. And as much as I want to do that so it doesn't sting as sharp I can't even fathom a universe in which you didn't cover every inch of every aspect of my life.

I should have told you that, huh?

I shoukd have told you that long ago. When I could. But I wasn't good with words. I wasn't good with much of anything. Average. They claimed it always. And I was fine with being average.

I was never meant to dull your sparkle.

You shined, Yixing. Big and bright and magnificent. A whole galaxy worth of stars and then another one on top of that. You glowed. Everywhere you went you cast light on those who stood beside you. And they would have followed you anywhere.

I would have followed you anywhere.

I still would.

I know I'm a monster. I know I fucked it up. I know you deserved someone who would hang the moon for you. And I wasn't that.

How I wish I could be.

It aches, Yixing.

It aches all over. It's like I've lost a part of me. A vital part. A part I didn't even know made me function until it was forcibly removed and now my body hard reset figuring out how to tick without it. I have to learn to be human again.

That's not even the worst part of it. I could maybe figure that out in time. I could maybe put my feet in front of the other and learn to walk straight ahead again. I could learn to mingle with my friends again.

I haven't seen them since you left. It's hard to. They're all friends with each other too. I know they each talked. I don't know if you see them now that I'm not longer in the picture. But I haven't worked up the courage to check.

I'm a coward. I always have been. I know you hated that trait about me. But all you did was shake your head and huff a little, waggling you finger in my face in a grand, cartoony show. I never took you seriously.

I should have.

I should have done a lot of things I never did. I regret not doing them now. I guess hindsight works. Because given the option I would turn back time and savor you. I would do things right this time.

I have to figure out how to do this all solo now.

I hate that feeling. I never wanted to be single. But you didn't want to be tied to a broken man any longer. I don't even blame you. But now I have to navigate a world without you by my side. It was always us against the world.

I don't know if I can be just Junmyeon.

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If ya know, ya know.