Chapter 3

SABI ko, kapag dumating man ang oras na 'to, kailangan kong maging matatag, dapat huwag akong iiyak, at nakangiti ako the whole time.

I need to be strong, hindi p'wedeng umiyak ako, ayaw kong makita ako ni mommy na mahina ako. Pero kahit ano'ng handa ko pala sa sarili, kahit na ilang ulit kong kabisaduhin ang gagawin, ilang ulit ko mang isipin ang mga iyon, kapag nasa harap ko na ang sitwasyon, parang nawala lahat ang tinanim ko sa utak.

Walang saysay ang lahat ng iyon dahil hindi ko naman mapipigilan ang damdamin ko. Hindi ko kontrolado ang mga mangyayari pati itong emosyon ko dahil kahit ako, isa lang akong tao, nasasaktan din, may damdamin.

Seing this view make my heart tear. Dad was smiling but his eyes were crying. This was the most heartbreaking moment in my life, seing my family crying. Who wouldn't be sad for this view?

I know that everyone has an end but I can't stand seing my light was dimming right on my face. Unti-unti na siyang nagpapalam sa amin, alam ko 'yon—alam namin iyon at parang tinatarak ng ilang ulit ang puso ko ng napakatalim na kutsilyo sa bawat segundong lumilipas.

The sun was going to set and the sky's hue was an orange as a fruit with a red mixing on it. In normal days, it was a beautiful view, but now, I think it was not. It was like saying goodbye to me, that a day would like to end and a life that so precious in me.

Napatakip ako sa bibig at napahikbi nang makita ang matamis na ngiti ni mommy. "I will miss you, hon. . ." ani mom kay dad.

Ngumiti si daddy at walang sinabi. He kissed mom's lips and hug her tightly. Isang yakap na naglalaman ng lahat ng damdamin niya kay mommy, na kahit walang salita ang lumabas sa bibig niya, alam niyang napaparamdam niya iyon kay mom sa ganoong aksyon pa lamang.

Mas lalo akong napatakip sa bibig para pigilan ang pagpalahaw sa iyak. Nanginginig ang tuhod ko kaya napaupo na ako sa damuhan.

I turned my back to my parents because I couldn't see this heart wrecking scene but mom called my name.

"Ridaya. . . come, p-please," she was not asking but pleading for me to be on her arms. Mas lalo akong naiyak.

Ayaw ko! I really can't face mom. Hindi ko kaya. I take step away from her habang umiiyak pero natigil iyon nang tawagin niyang muli ang pangalan ko.

"Anak, Ridaya. . ."

"Ridaya, your mom wants to see you. Honey, please, hug her, please, face us," dad said between his sobs.

Napakuyom ako ng kamao at napapikit. Umalpas na rin sa bibig ko ang mga hikbi. Hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman.

I was battling my self if I would face them or not but in the end, I did what they wanted. Pikit-mata kong pinihit ang katawan para harapin sina mom and dad. It was just seconds but for me it took an hour.

I slowly opened my eyes and mom's warmth smile greated me. Doon palang, sa tingin palang na iyon ay tuluyan nang nawasak ang puso ko.

Mabilis akong tumakbo sa kanila ni daddy at binigyan sila ng isang mahigpit na yakap. Pumalahaw na ako ng iyak at naririnig ko na rin ang mga hikbi ni daddy at mommy.

"Mom, am I that selfish to wished that you should not go? Dito ka lang sa tabi ko—sa amin ni dad. Mom, please, don't l-leave me like this. I-I can't. You are too young for this, h-hindi p'wede, mom. Hindi mo kami p'wedeng iwan ni daddy. Ang unfair-unfair mo naman, eh!" iyak ko pa.

Inabot ni mom ang pisngi ko at pinahiran ang mga luhang dumadaloy sa aking pisngi.

"Ridaya, I w-wished. . . t-that thing t-too but I can't, anak. My time. . . was e-ending and I can't do anything a-about. . . this. This life. . . was n-not mine i-in the first place. Hiram l-lang natin ang b-buhay na 'to kaya. . . wala t-tayong karapang maghangad pa ng sobra sa binigay Niya. You need to keep living, anak, without me. Your time was r-running, cherish it. . . a-and do what your heart desire. I want y-you. . . to. . . l-lived h-happily." Mom smiled and carefully caress my cheeks.

"Mom. . . p-please. . . d-don't go," I pleaded but she didn't say anything. I was silent for a few seconds. Ilang ulit akong napapikit para pakalmahin ang sarili. Is this over? Napapahid ako sa luhang dumaloy na naman sa pisngi ko at kinuha ang phone ko. I opened the camera. "M-mom, c-can you smile f-for the. . . for the l-l-last time?" I asked her. Nakasandal siya sa balikat ni daddy at pilit na inangat ang ulo dulot ng kahinaan.

Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang-labi. This was the last picture we would take having a complete family and my last memory of her having her embracing smile.

I never thought this would happened to her. Hindi ko inisip na sa ganitong paraan at panahon siya mawawala sa akin. Marami pa akong plano for her, I wanted to travel around the world kasama sila ni dad, gusto ko pang ipakita ang apo niya sa akin, gusto ko pa siyang alagaan ng maraming taon kapag tumanda na siya, pero lahat ng iyon, hindi ko na magagawa pa.

Nanginginig kong inangat ang phone at pilit na sinusuportahn iyon para huwag kong mabitiwan.

"One, t-two. . ." my voice broke. "three. . ." Nakita ko ang pagngiti ni mom at ni dad. I was smiling but on tears when I took a picture.

Humagulgol na ako nang makita ko sa camera ang unti-unting pagtakas ng buhay sa mata ni mommy.

Dad hugged her dearly while crying, kissing mom's forehead continuously. It was the sweetest and most heart shattering moment of my life.

Like the sun sets and the how sky devoured by darkness, my life was like this having my light loss its brightness.

I once loved the sun setting on west but now, I started hating it because all I can remember was my mom leaving our side, the pain and crying face of my dad, and the sorrow on my mother's eyes.

We mourned for days, the funeral was exclusively for our family only. Dad didn't allowed those business related things to interfere us. Mabuti na rin iyon para huwag mahati ang atensyon naming dalawa. Desisyon din kasi naming e-set aside muna ang mga trabaho para kay mommy.

Dumating ang araw ng libing ni mommy at halos hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-iyak. Pilit akong pinapakalma ni dad pero hindi ko magawa.

"Mom. . ." I sobbed.

Hinagod ni dad ang likod ko at doon ako umiyak sa mga braso nito. Iyon ang huli kong alaala sa araw na 'yon bago ako mawalan ng malay.