Chapter Five. 

JUSTIN:

            When her hands went to do un-do the belt of my shorts I shook my head and stepped away from her.

            “I uh, I can’t do this.” I muttered.

            Staring at me in shock, she was breathing heavily until she gave me a dirty look. I wasn’t surprised that she got like that but I just can’t do this right now. I’m not in the right place and how in the hell am I ever going to have sex if I can’t stop thinking of her? God, Reina drives me crazy.

            “Why?” She asked.

            “I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

            Finding my t-shirt in a hurry, I clutched it in my hands and opened up the door to head back downstairs. I’m just going to find Scott and tell him that I’m going back home. I thought I was ready for parties but obviously I’m not ready for them yet either.

            My brain was still foggy from the alcohol, my feelings becoming awakened. The ones that haven’t been awakened for so long. I’ve pushed my feelings for Reina directly to the side but now they’re slowly starting to surface, everything I haven’t wanted to think about becoming discovered.

             Almost as if I thought I were dreaming, I did a double take at Reina who was by the door of the party, her eyes glued directly to me. Casey said she wasn’t going to be here but here she was, in a red lace long sleeved dress looking gorgeous beyond belief. You could practically see all of the guys gawking at her and I wanted to punch them all square in the face. I wanted to tell them all she was mine but once again I can’t do that.

            “Can’t we finish?”

            The blonde was tugging at my arm and when I turned to face her she was still in her bra, my eyes growing wide before I turned to look back at Reina. I was shirtless and her eyes were filled with tears. She didn’t understand that it wasn’t what it looked like but what use was it going after her? She already hated me so what’s the point?

            Because you still care.

            Letting out a loud sigh, I gently pushed the girl away and found Scott, telling him I was heading home without giving an explanation. I’m not going to stick around with Reina here.

            “You okay?” He asked.

            “Yeah. I’m good. Just tired.”

            “Did you…”

            “No.” I sighed again, staring down at my feet. “I couldn’t.”

            He didn’t say anything to me after that, which I was thankful for. I didn’t need a lecture or words of wisdom right now. What I needed was to go home and sit in silence to clear my head a little. That’s what I needed.

            The music of the party was fading the farther I walked away from it and when my feet hit the pavement of the sidewalk Reina was bawling her eyes out by the trash cans. It felt like my heart just broke.

            Immediately my instinct was to scoop her into my arms and hold her against my chest. I wanted those tears to stop but it was me who had caused them. I didn’t actually sleep with her, but she didn’t know that. I can’t exactly explain that to her because she thinks I hate her and I have to act like that. I wish I didn’t but it’s for my own damn good. I have to keep reminding myself that.

            What I did next was the worst thing. I should have stayed with her and I should have asked her if she was okay but I didn’t. Instead, I ignored the pleading look on her face and tried to leave the party without another word.

            “Why?” She asked, her voice muffled from the fabric of her dress. “Why would you do that?”

            “Because it’s a free country?”

            I was being such an ass. I know that I am but the alcohol was getting to me and if I stayed here any longer I’d break. She needs to get away from me.

            “Do you even hear yourself? Justin who are you?”

            “Reina I’m being a normal college guy. This is what we do. We fuck girls and that’s the end of it. Stop fucking following me around like some stalker or some shit. We are over. We’re over so I’m going to have sex with other people and you need to get over it. Just move on already for crying out loud.”

            Letting out a laugh of disbelief, she narrowed her eyes at me and looked up into the sky.

            “What did I ever even see in you?”

            And there it was. My breaking point. My heart shattering into two, becoming little pieces that belonged to only her.

            “I don’t know.” I laughed as well. “I don’t know sweetheart.”

            “Yeah. Me either.”

            Standing up from the sidewalk, she fixed her dress and wiped underneath her eyes to get rid of the mascara. She wasn’t crying anymore but that’s probably because she’s mad. I know her well enough to know that.

            “You know.” She laughed again, pausing to look at me once more. “I thought maybe we could be friends. That’s why I came over for dinner. You asked me why I was there and that’s the reason. I wanted to try and be a support system for you and help you through whatever it is you needed help with but clearly that rehab place did you good. They completely changed you.”

            “Please just go Reina.” I sighed, putting my fingertips on the bridge of my nose. “Please.”

            “Trust me, I’m going to but I’m not finished yet. I think you seem to forget all of the times I was there for you. The night you got sick from Scott’s cooking and I stayed all night with you to make sure you were better. Do you remember that? When you threw up and I was right there telling you it would be okay? Or what about when you had an English essay due the next day and you never started it. Remember when I stayed up all night to help you even though I had class in the morning? Hm? Do you remember that?”

            “Reina please-“

            “The nights in Vegas apart from the bad ones. The nights in the bathtub when we would talk about every damn thing going on in our lives. The nights we would stay on the phone until two in the morning because we couldn’t see each other. The nights you would fall asleep with me on the phone because you didn’t want to hang up. You said you never wanted to fall asleep because that meant for a couple hours we wouldn’t be-“

            “GO!” I screamed. “YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!”

            She stopped talking, her body completely motionless, and before I stood around to see the look of hurt on her face I quickly walked in the other direction. It would take me twice as long to get home this way but I didn’t want her to see me crying like a fucking baby right now. I was sobbing because I hated being so mean to her but the memories were all in my head. The alcohol and her and just everything about us and what we used to be. The phone calls, the late nights, all of the times she was right there with me. Being the best girlfriend she possibly ever could be.

-------

            I was trying to watch the remainder of my Netflix movie that night until I heard the door close and in walked Casey, grabbing the remote with so much force that I jumped.

            “Jesus.” I spat, taking it back from her. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

            “What the hell is wrong with ME?” She yelled, looking over at Scott. “Oh my god you talk to him. I can’t even deal with him right now.”

            Reina must have told her about our fight. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about it because it’s not like I’m okay with treating her like that. I know that I took things too far tonight. I know that I did.

            “Babe just go upstairs.” He whispered to her. “I’ll talk to him.”

            “All I have to say Justin is that you’re a sorry excuse for a boyfriend. Seriously, you’re fucking shitty. I can’t keep lying to Reina when she’s bawling her eyes out. I can’t keep from her the fact that you still love her and you don’t mean any of it. I know it’s for your recovery but oh my god! How am I supposed to keep doing this when you say things like that?”

            “I know!” I yelled, letting out a sigh of frustration. “I know, okay? She kept bringing things up about our past and she thinks I slept with that girl when I didn’t. She just caught us at a bad time. When she was crying, I didn’t know what to do. This is so damn hard to stay away from her but guys I can’t go back to her. What if I relapse? What if I fucking cut myself again?”

            “I’m not saying that you should get back with her just yet.” Scott said, sinking down onto the couch beside me. “I’m just saying to stop being such a dick to her. If you really don’t want to be with her, then just ignore her. You shouldn’t have even responded to her tonight because it puts you in a situation that results in screaming at her. Do you get that?”

            “I can’t just stay away from her Scott and that’s the thing. I love her.”

            Casey rolled her eyes and I clenched my jaw before I could say something snarky. I know this is confusing and I know this isn’t what she wants for Reina but I’m trying to stay away. I’m trying to not have to be around her but it’s so hard.

            “If you can’t stay away from her then at least be civil Justin.”

            “If I stay civil I’ll end up back together with her again and you know that. The minute she starts acting like she used to with me it won’t even take five seconds before I fall in love with her all over again. I can’t do it Scott.”

            “You know what?” Casey laughed, pulling Scott up from the couch. “If you can’t stay civil with her Justin then leave her the fuck alone. You know about her parents and what they used to be. You know she knows how it feels to be treated like she’s nothing. Stop adding onto it. Let’s go.”

            I knew more than she thought. I remember the night after spring break when I said even more hurtful things to her about it too. Casey didn’t know about that part of her life and neither did Scott. She told me things no one else knows and now that Casey reminded me about her past I just felt even shittier about what I’m doing. I care so much about her and she has no clue.

            “Fuck.” I muttered. “Why the hell do I do this to myself?”

A/N:

ughhhh this chapter hurt to write but you knoww... I love making stories different. This is a good different and in time I hope you guys agree with me!

Comment and let me know what you thought! 

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