Chapter Thirty. 

            Analyzing my outfit in the mirror, I turned to slim out my long sleeved floral shirt to try and somehow convince myself that I’m ready for tonight. A month has gone by since I’ve seen or spoken to Justin and you’d think by now that I’d have my mind made up but I didn’t. My mind still wanted to hold onto the fact that if I can’t love myself first then how the hell am I supposed to give him what he deserves? The person he deserves is someone who is sure of themselves, someone who loves life and can give their complete all to him. I’m not dumb to the fact that he deserves better than me because he does. I’m a bitch. I’m indecisive and I overthink things all the time but I can’t change that so why in the world is he still waiting around for me?

            Casey and Scott were still going strong and every single time she came home she would tell me how lifeless he looked and I would send a silent prayer to God that night that he would just move on and that he’d find someone that would make him truly happy. Someone who could give him what he really wanted.

            The stories I’ve heard didn’t even seem like it was the same Justin. Like last week for example, Scott had a party and girls were throwing themselves all over him but he didn’t even react to them. Casey told me he told the girls that he had a girlfriend and it broke my heart that he still thought of us like that.

            To me, Justin is breakable. He’s like this perfect guy wrapped up in a little box and I didn’t want to do something stupid to ruin it. I didn’t want to break his heart because I’ve never had someone attached to me like this or be in love with me like this. I’ve never loved anyone like this and I have this constant feeling that I just want to go see him at night like I used to and crawl in beside him so we could talk about life and just everything going on in our minds in that exact moment. I miss him so much but I know things will end badly if we are together. I just know it so why am I going over to hang out with the guys tonight? I know he’s going to be there. It’s like I’m giving myself pain that’s unnecessary.

            “Damn.” Casey noted when she saw me. “Someone’s trying to get laid.”

            “No. I’m not trying to get laid; I’m just going over there to hang out with everyone. I haven’t seen them in forever, you know?”

            “Yeah. Especially Justin.”

            Then she folded her arms over her chest and sent me a smirk.

            “Casey I’m nervous enough as it is about seeing him. Does he know I’m even going over there with you?”

            “Probably not. Scott didn’t tell him I don’t think but you’re getting all nervous for nothing Reina. I mean honestly, why don’t you just give into your feelings and get back together with him already?”

            “Because he deserves better Casey!” I shot back, putting my brush back down onto the dresser. “You know he deserves better and in time he’s going to eventually realize that and he’ll leave me just like everyone else has.”

            “And I think you need to realize that not everyone is going to be like your parent’s.”

            My heart stopped as soon as the sentence left her lips and the tears flew up into my eyes all too quickly. I haven’t seen my parent’s in I don’t know how long but it’s an extremely touchy subject and Casey knew to never speak of them so why the hell did she bring them up? What she said was the truth, yes, but I didn’t want to focus on that right now. I would rather run away from the truth as much as possible.

            “Reina I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“          

            “Let’s just go.” I whispered, trying rapidly to blink my tears away. “It’s fine.”

 ---------

             When Scott opened up the door that night my palms were all sweaty and my heart was racing and everything was a blur. I haven’t seen him in a whole four weeks apart from class so I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see him and that moment is going to be at any second.

            “Reina.” Scott said somewhat sympathetically. “It’s good to see you.”

            His arms wrapped me in a warm embrace and for whatever reason I felt like crying because things were already different and I could tell. When I walked in with Casey and all of the guys turned to look at us the only pair of eyes I could see were Justin’s and it certainly seemed like he didn’t know I was coming here.

            The whole room got quiet and the conversation and laughter stopped, Scott clearing his throat and turning his attention towards me again.

            “We were going to watch a movie but uh, if you don’t want to do that then that’s-“  

            “Sounds like fun.” I replied, trying my best to smile.

            The only damn spot on the couch was next to Justin so when I walked in and paused for a moment Mark got out of his chair and took a seat next to Justin, who seemed pissed that I wouldn’t be sitting by him. It’s not that I didn’t want to but I just had to keep reminding myself that this was for the best.

            “I’m going upstairs.” Justin muttered. “It’s obvious I’m not wanted down here.”

            “Justin that isn’t true.” I replied quietly. “You know that’s not true.”

            “Do I? Do I really know that Reina?”

            You could hear a pin drop right now from it being so quiet and Scott was trying desperately to start the movie but it wasn’t loading fast enough. All I could do was stare down at my lap when he left the room without another word. God, I hate this so much. I hate it and I’m doing it all to myself.

            “You do know that you need to go talk to him, right?” Scott asked.

            “Why? He clearly doesn’t want me to talk to him.”

            “Reina, c’mon.” Colby chuckled. “Even you know that isn’t true. He’s been nothing but miserable since you’ve been gone and we’re all tired of it so go up there and talk to him. Seriously, this shit’s getting old. Not to mention he blames me for your guys’ break up still so we don’t talk like we used to. Please go fix things.”

            “Way to guilt me into it Colby.” I responded after a couple of seconds.

            Standing up from the chair, I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes when they said some words of encouragement and headed upstairs to his room. It almost felt like I jumped out of a building from all of the flips going on right now in my stomach but when I quietly opened up the door my heart completely broke into two when he was sitting on the floor crying his eyes out, his knees hugged up to his chest. That’s when my brain took a complete three sixty and this whole fight was over and I knew it. My heart had won and what it wanted was to make him better and to try to somehow fix his pain. I can’t take myself away from him and when his bloodshot eyes met with mine I gently closed the door behind me and sunk to the floor next to him so I could wrap my arms around his neck and pull him into the biggest hug I could give.

             I know that he deserves better and I know that he should realize it but he still wants me and for whatever reason that makes me the happiest person alive. I don’t want to treat him wrong even though I already have so starting right now I’m making a pact to myself to never hurt him. I’m so in love it hurts and I think he felt the same thankfully because he pulled me so tightly against his chest that I lost breath for a second.

            “Reina I fucking miss you.” He sobbed, my heart breaking into two for the second time tonight. “I miss you so damn much.”

            “Justin I know.” I soothed, stroking his cheek with my fingertips. “I miss you too.”

            “Yeah?” He sniffled. “Really?”

            “Yeah. I miss you so much it hurts.”

            “So w-why haven’t you called? Why aren’t we together?”

            He looked so broken and that killed me. I never wanted to break his heart and I know this is going to take awhile to get used to and I know it’s going to be hard work but if he truly wants me and this is truly what he wants then I’m going to put one hundred percent into it too. I’ll do whatever I can to keep us together.

            “It sounds stupid if I explain it Justin but honestly you deserve better than me. You told me a month ago that sometimes it’s not our choice but you deserve better than to have someone that has the lowest self-esteem in the world and someone who doesn’t have all of these trust issues. You deserve to have someone who treats you nothing but the best and I don’t do that. I want to, but I don’t know how to fix the problems that I have and when we were apart I tried to work on them. I tried to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that you deserve me and that I deserve you but I don’t by a long shot. You are so far out of my league it’s ridiculous and that sounds like I’m putting myself down, which I am kind of, but it’s just the way I feel and I know I don’t come off as having a low-self esteem but I do and this terrifies me. You terrify me because you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I’m afraid that you’re going to leave and never come back.”

            “Reina, please just listen to me for a second.”

            Taking my hand in his, the familiar feel of his fingertips going across my palm made the butterflies in my stomach go off all at once and I felt the tears come into my eyes automatically because I just know whatever he’s about to say is going to make me fall even more in love with him than I already am.

            “When we fall in love with someone it’s completely out of our control. I understand that maybe you think that you’re not good enough for me and maybe when you look at yourself in the mirror you think that I deserve better but what you need to understand is that it’s not up to you. You can’t control the way someone feels about you. You can’t control the way you make me feel. You can’t control the way your smile makes my day and you certainly can’t control the way my heart stops whenever you’re in a ten foot radius of me. When someone falls in love with you, you can’t stop it and Reina you are the most beautiful girl I have ever laid my eyes on. You’re beautiful inside and out and no matter how much you try to tell me differently I will never want to hear it because to me you’re everything. To me, you’re the one I chose without even knowing it.”

            “But what if one day you wake up and realize I’m not this perfect person? What if one day it suddenly hits you that I’m not-“

            “Baby you’re everything.” He murmured, pulling me closer to him. “You’re everything to me, okay? Everything.”

            My lips were on his because that’s the only thing my brain could think of to do right now to somehow thank him and the fire ignited into all parts of my body,  my legs straddling his on the floor as he sped it up and leaned his back against the wall so we could kiss like we haven’t for so long now. It’s been so long.

            His hands were running up my waist as he let out little moans from how good it felt and I was trying to control myself, gripping onto his t-shirt when he bit my bottom lip and stuck his tongue inside of my mouth to make it more intense. My god he’s such a good kisser and the fact that I’m the one he chose completely blows my mind. I don’t know why I’m so special to him but I feel so lucky because he’s just as special to me.

            “Reina I-I love you.” He moaned. “I never thought I’d say that again.”

            “I love you too.” I whispered breathlessly. “Just please don’t leave me Justin because you’ve got me. I’m going to give you my all for the first time so please don’t break my heart. I’m begging you to not break it. Please.”

            My bottom lip started to tremble because I was so scared and I was so nervous but he just gently brushed his thumb against it and nodded his head.

            “That’s all I’ve ever wanted Reina and I promise you I’m never letting you go. I’m going to treat you the way you’ve always wanted to be treated. The way no other guy has done for you before.”

            “Just don’t leave. Please don’t leave.”

            “Baby…” He trailed off, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m not going to. Why are you so scared?”

            My breathing was all rugged and the tears were still falling slowly onto my cheeks as the quietness of his room echoed around us, the only sounds being heard were the both of our sniffles from crying so much tonight. What I wanted to do right now was just break down and tell him everything I’ve never told a soul before. I just wanted to tell him every single thing that’s ever happened to me but I couldn’t right now because it’d be way too soon, even for as long as I’ve known him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to tell him what’s fully happened to me but for now I could talk about it for a second. For just a second I could let out the pain.

            “My parents.” I whispered shakily. “Please just don’t be like them.”

            As if something finally clicked with him, he let out a sigh and pulled me closer against his chest, the tears that I’ve been holding back being let out all at once because it’s like when he’s holding me I’m the most vulnerable I’ll ever be. I felt safe and protected in his arms, like nothing could ever touch me. That’s the reason I pour my feelings out to him the most because I’ve never been like this with anyone before.

            “Reina I swear on everything that I will never leave. I’m so in love with you and in time you will see that. You just need to give me time so I can show you how beautiful you are. I swear I’m going to make you see it.”

            “I want to kiss you again…” I smiled, leaning more into him. “You’re the best boyfriend in the entire world, you know that?”

            “Did you want to talk about your parent’s with me Reina? You know you can talk to me about that, right? I’m always here and I’ll always listen.”

            “I want to kiss you again…” I repeated, giggling slightly at the end when he rolled his eyes and nodded his head so he could press his lips against mine. He knows I think that when I’m ready to talk about it I will but for right now, this was good. Him and I just being together is more than good.

            It wasn’t until I moved my kisses to his neck that I saw his wrist that was now exposed from his sleeve being pushed up, a fresh scar staring back at me.

            “Whoa.” I said, grasping onto his wrist. “What happened?”

            “What are you-“ He stopped himself when he saw what I was looking at. “Oh, that. Scott and I were cutting up stuff for dinner and the uh, the knife slipped.”

            “Oh you cook now?” I teased. “That’s news.”

            “Shut up.” He chuckled. “C’mon, back to kissing.” 

A/N:

Hm.... uh-oh...

predictions?

I am SO excited to release the rest of the book. You guys have no idea what's coming. 

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