Chapter Eighteen. 

            I was so alone in this room. I was so at a loss for words and I was drowned in my feelings that wouldn’t go away. The confusion wouldn’t go away, my mixed emotions wouldn’t go away, the thought of him bawling and professing his love for me wouldn’t go away. Nothing would go away and I regretted every single minute I sat here and didn’t do something about it.

            People would think I’m crazy because here I sit on this stupid dorm room bed with nobody to talk to because nobody was even here and the only person I wanted to talk to right now was Justin because I was so in love with him it completely terrified me and that’s the damn reason I couldn’t be there any longer.

            I told him I didn’t feel the same because if I told him I felt the same things would be changed between us forever but I guess I didn’t really think that far ahead to realize things would be worse if I told him I didn’t like him. Now everything is completely ruined and when he kissed me and he sat there and sobbed and asked me if I felt something I had to lie right through my teeth just to get out of there and clear my head.

            The truth is, when he kisses me it makes my head spin. It never used to but ever since that night I spent with him and he was so caring and so thoughtful and just I don’t even know. The way he held me and the way he kissed me. Especially the way he kissed me. That was something I will never forget because when Casey and I had that conversation and she said it would hit you out of nowhere, that’s when it hit me. It hit me out of nowhere and never in my life did I think it would hit me out of nowhere with Justin but it did and he was who I wanted to be with.

            The morning he kissed me in front of his friends, the way he asked if I was okay to walk home by myself, the way he made up from our fight in the snow, when we kissed in the snow, when he wrapped his arms around me in the mall and called me his girl, when I realized I wanted that title more than anything and I wished in that moment that he wasn’t pretending, when he bought me that damn stocking and I wanted to see how he’d feel if I treated him like he did to me and I kissed his shoulder to try and somehow get him to see how interested I was. So why did I fucking say I wasn’t interested?

            I guess the reason I did is because I’m so scared for things to change between us. I don’t want things to change and for us to be ruined because we get into a relationship and if we break up then we’ll never talk to each other again and honestly, Justin is different to me. He’s just so different and I’m terrified to get into a relationship because every single relationship I get into I get screwed over and it ends horribly because they always do something to hurt me and I’m so scared to get hurt and I’m especially scared to get hurt by Justin because he means more to me than any other guy has.

            I missed him and I missed his kisses. I missed his hands holding mine and I missed the way he rubbed his fingertips in circles around my palm. Not an ounce of me wants to be here and the longer I sit here the more I want to go right back to his house and kiss the living shit out of him but then I would feel completely stupid and I’d make a fool of myself. He probably wants nothing to do with me right now and for all I know Lexi could be on speed dial and already over there as we speak.

            Running my fingers through my hair, I exited the dorms and started to walk along the streets of Toronto to try and come up with a plan to somehow explain how sorry I was or to somehow try and tell him how stupid I was and that I was in love with him but I was just scared. I’m so scared to get into a relationship with him and I don’t know if he is but I know it must have been hard to admit that to me. I was careless to his feelings and I was just such a bitch but all I could think of in that moment was how petrified I was to say it back.

            When I was almost off campus, someone’s shoulder hit with mine and when I went to look behind me to see who it was lone behold it was Jonah, the bile rising up in my throat all too quickly. I never wanted to see him again.

            “Oh.” He breathed out, pausing for a second. “Reina. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

            “What the hell are you doing here Jonah? It’s Christmas break.”

            “I forgot one of my textbooks at my dorm and I need it for a paper so I came back to get it. What are you doing here? Have you been crying?”

            “It doesn’t matter Jonah. It’s none of your business anyways.”

            “Is it about Justin?”

            “Why the hell would you say that?” I snapped.

            When he didn’t say anything at first I just rolled my eyes and started to head in the other direction but then he started to jog so he could catch up to me and tugged on the sleeve of my shirt so I would turn around to face him.

            “Because you told me you guys had a past, especially after his speech to me that night at Scott’s.”

            “What speech? You never told me about a speech Jonah.”

            He shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt and then I placed my hands over my hips to wait for him to finally tell me. It was freezing outside and I was honestly thinking about going back to my room but I wanted to wait and hear what he said.

            “Jonah!” I yelled. “What did he say?”

            “He just went on this rant about how stupid I was for giving you up. He just kept saying how any guy would be lucky to have you and that you were perfect and all this shit. When you told me you guys had a past why the hell would I say something? At that point you were still with me and if you had feelings for him I didn’t want to tell you that he had feelings for you because then you’d leave me and I didn’t want that.”

            “My god I can’t believe you! You’re such an ass Jonah.”

            The tears were streaming down my cheeks because Justin’s been into me for a lot longer than I thought and I never knew any of this. I never knew at the time that he had these feelings for me and I never knew he thought I was perfect or that any guy would be lucky to have me. He was perfect and any girl would be lucky to have him. That girl was going to be me.

            “Reina I’m sorry. I know I should have told you but-“

            “But nothing Jonah. I’ve gotta go, okay?”  

            Not listening to another word I practically ran back into my dorm room, grabbed my suitcase and then grabbed my backpack, shoving everything in as best as I could with only one thing in mind. I wanted Justin and he was exactly where I was headed. 

A/N:

AHHH I KNOW CLIFF HANGER I'M SORRY. 

I'm also sorry if my updates are kind of all over the place. I've recently started college and my schedule is beyond hectic right now so please bear with me :( 

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