As I finished getting ready for another night out with Willow, I went straight to one of my drawers. My fingers dug through the piles of clothes to finally find the pack of white magic I had put there the night before.

Willow had given me the number of a couple of drug dealers around New York that sold just about the best cocaine, or white magic as we liked to call them.

For the past week, Willow and I have been hanging out just about every single day. It usually consisted of alcohol and drugs but that was fine by us. It distracted us from the real issues around us. Willow was living in one of Niall's apartment he had let her live in since that night in LA. She had been trying to convince me to move in with her but I didn't know if I was ready to leave Liam behind, after all he had done for me.

As I looked at the packet of white magic in my hands, Liam barged into my room. I quickly put the packet in the bottom of my drawer and looked at him confused.

" what's going on?" I question.

" what's going on with you?!" He asked back.

Before I could say anything else, he lifted up a packet of little residue of cocaine. I didn't even remember where he could have found that. It might have been from last night, after all I blacked out during most of the night.

" where'd you find that?" I asked.

" on the bathroom floor" he responded.

I just shrugged trying to avoid this conversation. Talking about the latest actions with Liam was the last thing I wanted to do, especially with him. So I took my hands out of the drawers and quickly closed it before Liam could look over at it.

I ignored the confrontation by looking at myself in the mirror, slowly running my fingers through blonde hair.

" you're not even going to try to explain it to me, Cailin?" Liam snapped.

My eyes met his again and I just became a completely different person.

" I don't have to explain anything to you, you're not my father" I snapped back.

Liam didn't move an inch. Instead he continued looking at me, as if he was searching for something. For some reason his silence made me upset, as if I wanted for him to get as upset at him as I deserved.

" and you know what? You don't have to worry about me, cause I'm moving in with Willow. I'll be out of your hair soon enough" I glared grabbing my purse and brushing past him out of the bedroom.

I made my way towards the front door but Liam's word slowed me down.

" since when are you talking to Willow again? I thought you hated her" Liam said walking after me.

" it's none of your business" I sneered at him as I reach the door.

" is that who got into drugs? Is she to blame for your spiral down?" Liam question.

I took a glance at Liam with so much anger. I hated that he was trying to blame my own problem on Willow, the only person that seemed to try to understand my anger at the world

" I'm fine" I shook my head before storming out of his apartment.

*

Harry's POV

I hated everything. I hated this feeling. I hated not being able to control anything anymore.

I had lost everything and I still haven't been able to find a way to fix it all. My mind was playing with me just about every minute. The only thing I thought about was Cailin and what I had done to her. I hated not knowing what was going on with her. I was so used to being next to her every second of the day.

It's been a week since I last saw her back at the apartment packing her things. It killed me watching her leave with her things but I had no choice. It was all my fault. 

I couldn't turn on the TV, without some talk show talking about the leaving of Cailin from the band and me. I hadn't touched any of my social media accounts since I was with Cailin. I couldn't bear reading or seeing anything about her. My thoughts were consuming enough.

" I should have just stayed back at the apartment" I groaned as we drove through traffic.

" no, you've been home since... you know. You need to go out and be your normal self, it's not healthy" Zayn shook his head.

" you can say it" I said looking straight out the window.

" what?" he questioned.

" her name, you can say her name. It's not like I'm just gonna start crying" I said.

Zayn stayed quiet. Us as a band hadn't talked about what was going to happen with us after Cailin left. I guess we were still in shock about everything that happen. James on the other had been making so many plans, but I refused to hear any of it. My head still couldn't wrap around the idea of Cailin never coming back to the band, to me.

She was never going to come back to me. She was never going to forgive me.

" we're here" Zayn announced as we stopped the car in front of some club.

As we both got out of the car, Zayn handed the valet his keys. The flashes from paparazzi cameras blinded me as we walked past the club's line. After passing the bouncer, the flashes stopped. Instead of flashes of cameras, it was periods of light passing by my eyes.

The club was crowded but not in an overwhelming way though. Zayn and I went straight to a private section he had reserved for us. As we took a seat on the red couch, bottle girl immediately poured us glasses of champagne. But I didn't want champagne. I just wanted a beer. I knew champagne would give me a massive headache tomorrow morning, being the last thing that I wanted,

So I picked myself up from the couch and walk out of the private area passed Zayn who was already chatting up a girl. I made my way towards the bar, passing through girls who eyes wouldn't leave mine. Usually this was my scene, this was where I wanted to be, but not tonight 

The only thing on my mind was Cailin.

I order my beer but stayed at the bar. Leaning against the bar, I watched the crowd of people dancing to the music. My eyes searched for something that they couldn't find. I caught myself looking for Cailin. 

I scanned the room for just about every brunette in the room, but she wasn't here.

As I took another sip of my beer, I heard whistles coming from a couple feet away from me. I casually look over to where a crowd of guys were drooling over two blondes dancing on top of bar. From the way that they were moving it was obvious that they were pretty drunk. 

But as one of the blonde turned her face towards my direction, I froze. 

I watched Cailin dancing on top of that bar and I couldn't breathe. Last time we saw each other, we were both crying in each other's arms. Seeing her now was a whole new reality. I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a right to do anything to stop her.

So I watched her.

Not in a creepy way. Just watched how much she had changed in the short week I hadn't seen her. Her hair was completely different. I never imagined Cailin going completely blonde. Blondes were never really my type, but the way Cailin pulled it off was incredible. But I noticed how her adorable chubby cheeks seemed to have hollowed out a little bit. Was she not eating? Then again, never was I.

It was only when she began taking off her top when I knew I had to step in. So I left my beer on the bar and quickly made my way towards her. I pushed my way through the guys who were watching them until I was right in front of them.

" Cailin" I shouted out.

Immediately she eyes met mine and she froze as the other blonde continued dancing. After about five seconds of Cailin staring at me, she busted out laughing holding her cheeks in her hands. I looked at her confused not understanding why she was laughing. Then she continued dancing holding her shirt in her hand.

I watched the guys around me whistle once more and anger itched my skin watching this whole situation. So I acted on impulse.

I walked closer to the bar, and grabbed Cailin by the legs throwing her on my back. I ignored the man groaning and carried her away from all of them even with her pounding me on the back. I only let her down after going back into the private area I was before. I gently put her down on the couch hoping that she would stay. I quickly put her shirt back on hoping her wouldn't take it back off.

As she eyes met mine again, she didn't laugh this time. Instead she just stared at me not saying a single word. I stared at her back, not knowing what to say either. But then I really saw her. Her eyes were going 100 miles p/hr wide alert. They wouldn't stop at just one position. Her hands were shaking. She looked pale.

" can I offer you two anything?" the bottle girl asked.

" water, for her" I answered quickly.

Cailin's eyes moved from the bottle girl back to me.

" you're real..." she whispered as her hand softly touched my cheeks.

I nodded.

" are you okay?" I asked.

This time she laughed again.

" of course. Why wouldn't I be?" she smiled with her eyes wide open.

That's when it hit me. Cailin wasn't just drunk. I had seen Cailin drunk plenty of times. This was something more.

" what did you take, Cailin?" I questioned.

She stayed quiet with a soft smile on her face.

" what kind of drugs are you one?" I asked low enough for only her to hear.

" none of your business, Harry. You're not my boyfriend anymore" she shook her head.

Cailin picked herself up from the couch and started to walk away. But I quickly grabbed her by the wrist pulling her back.

" please, Harry. You're ruining my night" Cailin glared at me.

" what? Because your buzz is already gone? What the hell are you taking?" I glared back.

" leave me alone" she shouted ripping her wrist out of my hand.

As she turned around to try to leave again, the sight of Zayn with a blonde in his arms stopped her immediately. It was like they were getting along. The girl was in his arms because she clearly wasn't doing so well.

" what happened to her?!" Cailin shouted as she took steps closer to them checking on the girl. That was when I realized who the girl was, Willow It was Zayn's ex-girlfriend that had also been Cailin's best friend a couple of months ago. It was also the same girl that had been dancing on top of the bar with Cailin only a couple of minutes ago.

" she was yelling at me and then she kind of just shut down" Zayn said to her.

" I need to take her home" Cailin said trying to take Willow out of Zayn's arms, but I quickly stopped her.

" we'll take you guys home" I said.

Cailin immediately laughed in my face.

" you really think I want to be seen with any of you? No way. I'll take her home myself" Cailin glared at me.

Cailin's attitude was completely different, like she was a different purpose. She was irritated, snappy, and just not herself.

" Zayn, just take her to the car" I said to him.

As Zayn started walking away from us towards the door to the club, Cailin once again glared at me. It continued that way as we exited out of the club. As we walked out, we were met with flashes of cameras. They seemed to have surprised Cailin as she wobbled a bit from disorientation. She grabbed onto my arm quickly balancing herself.

The valet quickly handed me the keys. Zayn put Willow in the back of the car taking a seat next to her. I got on in the driver's seat and Cailin in the passenger's. As we drove away, I looked in the mirror seeing Willow's head on Zayn's lap. Zayn's eyes were glued to her as if he still cared for the girl, maybe he still did.

Driving through the New York City streets, I could still feel Cailin's stare at me. It didn't make me uncomfortable either. It was comforting. This was the first time we were in the same car, with no fighting and no tears since... I don't even know when. Maybe her birthday.

" where am I going?" I asked her.

" Willow's" she said before giving me directions to her apartment.

Arriving there, we all took Willow up to her apartment. Cailin's opened the door with Willow's set of keys and Zayn carried the girl into one of the rooms. Cailin dropped the set of keys on a wooden coffee table in the center of the small living room.

Neither of us said a word to each other. The silence in a way was okay though. At least we were there with each other.

" guys, I'm gonna stay with her. I just wanna make sure everything's okay until at least in the morning" Zayn said as he walked into the living room from Willow's bedroom.

I could tell Cailin was about to object to I quickly stepped in.

" I'm taking you home now" I said as I watched her squint her eyes at me.

" I'm staying here tonight" she shook her head.

" no you're not. You live with Liam and Zayn can take care of the girl" I shrugged before grabbing Cailin's purse and keys and walking out Willow's apartment.

I was relieved when I heard Cailin's footsteps walk behind me. I was even more relieved when she got inside the car. The drive Liam's apartment was short, maybe not even fifteen minutes. I knew that as soon as I'd stop the car, she'd want to leave immediately. And she did.

" wait" I said as her hand reached the handle of the door.

" I've already said everything that I had to say to you, Harry" she shook her head without looking at me.

" but I haven't" I responded.

She turned her face, making eye contact with me again.

" I just need to know you're going to be okay. Because if you're not okay, I'm not okay. After seeing you tonight, the way you were acting, it just makes me more worried about you. I don't want you to lose yourself" I said feeling like there was a knot in the back of my throat.

Cailin didn't say anything. She just shook her head. I could tell there were tears in her eyes by the way they sparkled more than usual.

" I know you hate me. I know you'll never forgive me. But I love you and I need you to know that" I nodded.

Cailin softly chuckled as she looked down at her hands. I continued looking at her waiting for a more understandable reaction.

" you're right, I do hate you. I hate the fact that you've made me fall in love with you to just rip it away from me. I hate the fact that the only person that can calm me down is you. I hate the fact that without you I don't know what's next. I hate that without you I'm lost. I hate you because I don't hate you at all. I hate you because I still love you" Cailin said as tears fell from her eyes without breaking eye contact.

My hands slowing went to her cheeks crying off her tears. I had caused so many of her tears and I hated myself for it.

" I've lost who I am, Harry. So I just need to figure that stuff out, without you. I need to move on from you. You need to move on too" she nodded her head as I shook mine.

" Cailin..." I whispered.

" bye Harry" she said before getting out of the car an closing the door behind her.

~

Finally a bigger chapter!

I know I've owed you guys one so here it is! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. 

Were you guys surprised by anything?

Do you think either of them are going to move?

Do you think Cailin is going to find her own voice eventually?

love you all to pieces <3

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