I've never been like the others. Not really.
I've always kept my distance and my heart behind a wall of steel. Whenever others get too close in a way I don't like I stab them in the heart. It's almost instinctive. I can't help it. I am sorry but I do warn them beforehand.
I sometimes wonder if I'll end up alone and unloved, not because people don't love me but because I push them away.
Even I don't understand myself. There are times I want to be loved but simultaneously I don't want it because I'm insecure and because I feel unworthy. I'm so messed up and I don't see how anyone can love me. I fear they see me as something beautiful but if they get too close they'll see what a terrible, ugly, disgusting person I am.
I've never been beautiful, not really. I've never been the one to put myself out there, not really. I've never put my heart on the line, not really.
But besides all that, I think maybe things will change but then I think that they won't.
I loath myself and I love myself. I am a walking, talking contradiction.
Who can love a person like me?
I'm tired of trying yet I've never really tried. I have doomed myself to a life of solitary confinement and yet I love it, sometimes.
I'm just scared of getting my freedom taken away. I love to be free. I love to be me. I love living as my own individual. The problem is that I don't know if I'll want that always. What if I change my mind and want to go back but it's too late?
I've shut down everyone and everything in my life that can hurt my heart. It's tender yet I don't know how to love. And simultaneously I have so much love to give.
Why can't I be like everyone else? Will I ever stop running? Will I ever have a family?
I don't know. I'm scared of both options.