Truth be told, I'm not happy in the slightest. I don't think I ever will be. Not that I want to but it's just hard, you know? I've been told I'm a strong person before, a wise one more times than I can count, but I never believe it. Because I'm a frail person and a stupid kid that can't even do division. I guess too much, know too little, lie constantly, and talk excessively. I know my flaws thoroughly like I've looked at the list over and over. It's all I see though. I can't help it. It's why I'm not happy. I will never be happy because of that. 

Lately it's gotten worse. Laughing feels harder, smile is straining, and waking up in the morning just takes me more time than it should. I'm super tired all the time. And it seems like I'm saying a lot, like I'm spilling all my worries to the page just to let them go but this is just a seed comparing the old tree of my problems. 

I could on complaining for hours about how no one cares to listen to me or how I barely talk to my brother anymore and how that tears me apart but I won't. I'm scared to. I have worse trust issues than I do have any other type. I'm scared to trust the hands that are held out because they're the ones that are going to leave me. Yet it angers me that no one listens to me shit out my problems because I really do need a way to vent. 

I hate myself for that. I've always hated myself for everything. I don't have much power in the universe but the universe has so much power over me that I feel out of control. And I want control, I want to control something. That's the point where most go to lose weight excessively, or cut themselves. What I do to control something is odd. It's the most self destructive thing anyone can do. 

I listen.