The view of my situation was clouded that day which in a way made perfect sense. Everything took a dark turn and emotional turbulence made me feel completely hopeless but something miniscule within in me constantly repeated: 'clouds do fleet and this too shall pass'.

A walk was exactly what I needed. It didn't clear my mind as much as I needed it to but that walk was all I needed to allow everything to fall into place. I still thought about Kristine and everything that I was dreading. The problem that my younger self always faced was trying to figure out if everything that I was going through was going to be worth it in the end and my biggest fear was putting in a lot of effort into myself only to later realise that all that effort was pointless. I always told myself that if I hit rock bottom after working so hard, then that would destroy me. 

And so. I believed that it was important for me to do everything in my power to avoid finding myself in a ditch.

I kept walking until I found myself surrounded by greenery. 'A hiker's trail? '   

The thing is, I didn't think that Kristine was wrong and that day; sixteen-year-old me thought that she had every right to do what she did because it was her life and maybe it was her way of avoiding future disappointment. Up until this day, I still don't think that she was wrong, but I do believe that her self-implosion could've been prevented in several ways.

However, the story isn't about what could've been prevented. It's about what was meant to happen, because for every action; there's a reason. 

I took different routes until I came to a cliff. I looked over the edge then look back.
'Jump,' I told myself, but no way in hell would I ever act upon something like that. I looked around until I notice pieces of broken glass on the ground. 'A broken bottle? Just my luck.' It felt like the universe was throwing obvious hints. How could I not feel that way when broken glass just so happened to be within my reach at the right time. I picked up a big piece of broken glass to scrutinize sharp edges.

At the time I thought it was "my time" but innocent little me didn't understand that I hadn't even reached the tip of life's iceberg just yet. 

I looked at my wrist then back at the broken glass. 'It shouldn't hurt too bad,' I thought.  I took a deep breath in thinking about what I wanted to do and that was all it took to get my adrenaline pumping, tears gushing and quick heavy breaths. I lost all control over myself. The sharp side of the glass poked into my skin and just that tiny little poke was painful. I didn't want to feel it but I small part of me wanted to get it over with.  

"Don't do it," I heard a familiar voice say from behind me. I didn't want to believe it. I immediately stopped what I was doing to slowly turn around and find Trent standing inches away from me with his hands in his pockets. "Don't do it," he repeated nonchalantly.

"Please don't make this any harder than it already is," I pleaded out of breath.

"Why do think it's hard? You don't want to do it."

"I already made a cut, so I beg to differ."

"A cut in the wrong place," he pointed out.

He was right. I looked down my arm to notice that the cut wasn't even close to where it was meant to be. To prove a point, I made another attempt, but I was so scared. Its wasn't only about being scared to do it but the thought of me wanting to do it so bad scared me so much. To think, I felt so melancholic that dying felt like the best option for myself. Taking your own life because it was so difficult to bear but on the other hand, I didn't want it to be the only option because I had a little bit of faith that it would get better. Having intrapersonal conflict stirred up panic. I only made a small scratch that burned and bled a little.

Once again, I lost control over my breathing, but it was worse than before. I was shaking and slowly starting to blank out. I can't really remember the details of it because I didn't know what was happening, but I do remember Trent holding me tight telling me to calm down. It made me realise that I was panicking and that I could take control of it. I told myself to calm down and to breathe slower. As soon as I started to inhale and exhale at a moderate pace my chest pulled tight for a while. The muscles in my body felt sore and I was fatigued but I could sense what was happening around me again. I could feel Trent rubbing small circles on my back.

I had my head against his chest which helped me realise that he was just as scared as I was. He tried to slowly calm down to. I could hear his breathing. "Are you okay?" he asked. I silently stared into space as if I had seen a ghost. I slowly nodded while still trying to process everything. He lifted my arm to look at the small cuts that I made. Trent had his head against mine. "Can we please talk about this?" he asked. 

"Please don't make me," I begged.    

He looked pissed but he also didn't want to argue with me at the time. "Let's go," he said. 

He led me to his dad's car which wasn't far from where we were. He opened the passenger's door to take out a water bottle from which he used the remaining water to wash off some of the blood from my arm. He also pulled out a small red bag from the glove compartment. "You're lucky", he said after unzipping the bag. "This is the last one." He pulled out a band aid, peeled it off the paper then stuck it over my deeper cut.

He threw the bag into the back seat of the car then opened the passenger door. "Get in."

I did just that.

We just sat in the car with nothing to say. I assume that he was expecting me to start talking but I wasn't in the right state of mind to start talking. Thoughts of my panic attack played in my mind over and over again. It was my first one and I knew that it wouldn't be my last one, I just didn't expect it to happen then. I was little disappointed in myself because I saw it as a sign of weakness: 'If I was having that experience in high school then how would I cope with other upcoming events in my life?'

Once Trent started the car, I mindlessly put my seatbelt on. I clearly wasn't myself because I never used to like wearing a seatbelt. I thought he was going to take me home but instead of leaving the reserve he took us deeper into it. It became quite obvious that the reserve was where he spent most of his Saturdays.   

We eventually came to a waterfall and once Trent parked the car, he got out, leaned on the car's bumper and nonchalantly watched the water drop down into the stream. I spent some time myself in the car until I forced myself to get out and join him.

And it made sense. 

"What Kristine did shouldn't become a trend. Why would someone so beautiful try to do what you almost did?" 

"It's not some trend. Feelings like these have been stirring within me for a long time. I just needed some encouragement."

After he put his arm around my shoulder, I leaned in to hold him and when I looked up at him I everything felt a lot different. It was a little tense between especially with the deep eye contact. He didn't want to miss the opportunity. Trent leaned towards me and...

What happened next should be fairly obvious. I wanted to fight it because I remembered Kristine as soon as I saw it coming. I didn't push him away because I was stuck in a state of mind where I was ready to act on impulse. I felt several emotions; pain, confusion and anger and in that moment, I felt that I was obliged to do whatever the hell I wanted. I believed that it was okay to allow Trent to pin me to the bonnet and that I had a right to kiss him back uncontrollably with force and it was one hundred percent okay for us to not keep our hands to ourselves.