He's not really sure when he started, all he knows is that it's too late to stop. He rarely ate anymore and when he did, he would sneak away and force himself to throw up, blaming it on a stomach bug when he was questioned about it. His boyfriend narrowed his eyes ever so slightly in a way that told him he knew it was a lie, Temari would always feel his head to see if he had a fever, and Kankuro...well he didn't say too much about it. When it happened every day for a week, he was taken to the Leaf Village hospital by Gaara and their escort, Rock Lee. When the doctors found nothing wrong, aside from malnutrition and being extremely underweight, he was sent home with the advice of getting plenty of rest and water. "I do not understand why they cannot find the problem. You are clearly very ill, it should be an obvious find." Lee scratched at his head, baffled that there wasn't anything wrong with his friend. When it happened for a month, he stopped eating altogether and he passed out on the way home to Suna. Gaara became even more worried, and dare he say frightened, of his boyfriend's condition.

He decided to keep a close eye on Xavyn, carefully watching what he ate in case there was a pattern or an allergy they didn't previously know about. No matter how many times he said he was fine, Xavyn continued to throw up after he ate, and it went on for a very long time. The two of them were in the Kazekage's office, Xavyn sitting in a chair pressed against the wall opposite the desk that Gaara was occupying. Xavyn could feel anxiety gnaw at him, he was purposely making himself scared enough to cause his body to go into panic mode, which would make him throw up. He breathed slow against the knee propped against his chest and his boyfriend took notice, immediately setting his pen down. "Are you alright? Are you getting sick again?" Xavyn swallowed a bit of the bile that climbed up and cleared his throat. "I-I have to...I need to go!" He bolted out of the room, nearly getting stuck as the door almost hit him in the face. He barely made it outside and into the bathroom before he found the trash can and let his stomach empty itself. He hated the retching sound he made but there was nothing to be done about that.

Once he stopped puking and could only cough, he let the tears run down his cheeks and turned the sink on, splashing his face and rinsing his mouth out. A voice constantly rang in his head, telling him he wasn't good enough, he'll never be pretty enough to stand by Gaara's side, he'll never be skinny or strong like his siblings, and he will never be the man Gaara wanted. An unexpected wave of acid and the pizza he ate flew from his lips and splattered against the sink walls and he sobbed. He couldn't hold anything back and let himself fall against the floor when his stomach stopped pushing food out. He had no idea how long he was in there, but when he exited, he bypassed the closed doors of the office and left the building, taking a slow walk to the highest point of the village he could find. He ended up on some roof of a building and he sat on the edge, legs dangling off and his arms wrapped around his concave midsection. His stomach hurt, his throat burned like mad, his eyes stung from crying for almost a solid hour, and his heart betrayed him every time it beat against his ribcage.

He'd thought of suicide before, it crossed his mind when they were younger and he was first dealing with his feelings toward Gaara. He slowly unwrapped his arms from his stomach and looked at the pale and sensetive flesh of his forearms, seeing the veins that ran under the skin and carried blood, that he despised, around his body to keep him alive. He growled at the image it created, wanting nothing more than to tear his veins out of his arms and bleed out so he could stop being a burden on his family. He rushed through his hand signs for Bloody Rose without pausing to think, and the blood in his wrists immediately froze, only to flow back toward his heart. "What do you think you're doing?!" Gaara's terrified voice scared him half to death and he spun around. "Stop it! Reverse that right now!" "N-no-" Gaara stepped up to him and slapped him in the face. "DON'T ARGUE WITH ME! REVERSE IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" His body obeyed without his consent and he reversed his jutsu. He rubbed his sore cheek and turned away from his boyfriend, unable to stop the tears from falling. "Wh-what are y-you doing here?"

"I came to see where you went. I thought it would be easier to find you if I looked from a higher place. The real question is what you're doing here." "I...I was gonna-" "Gonna what? Kill yourself? Why would you do such a thing?" He flinched and moved away from Gaara, but moved back from the edge of the roof. "I don't deserve you." A pained look crossed the Kazekage's face, dreading those words since he was a child, before a different emotion took over, but Xavyn wasn't sure if it was anger or confusion and he continued. "You're too nice to me. As the Kazekage, you already have your hands full, you don't need another problem to deal with." All at once, the angry and self- hating voices screamed in his head and he whined, clutching and gripping at his hair, tears streaming down his face. "I will never be good enough for you! I'll never deserve to stand by your side and I'm not pretty! I'm not strong! My jutsus are pathetic, I'm a hideous fucking freak and I'm fucking worthless! I am a pile of shit compared to you and you don't deserve to be treated like shit like this!" Xavyn fell to his knees and sobbed against his shirt, all the pain and self-loathing he felt was being released into the air for all to hear.

Gaara was shocked, he had no idea Xavyn felt so terribly towards himself. He knew his partner struggled to realize his own worth but had no idea it was this bad. He carefully scooped up the trembling man and brought them to the ground safely, before sitting down and pulling Xavyn onto his lap. Xavyn jerked but otherwise didn't move. "I'm so sorry. Have I made you feel this way?" Xavyn shook his head. "N-no. You...you m-make it ok. Y-you're way out of my league and I h-had no right t-to butt into your life. I'm s-s-sorry I d-did this to you." His stutter came back full force from the emotions he felt. "Look at me, Cupcake." Gaara rarely used that nickname, saving it for special times like intimate moments, or when Gaara was going to be open about his feelings. Just the use of the name meant he was going to be honest and serious. Xavyn lifted his head but couldn't look at his partner's face. "In the eye." Gaara had to physically hold his head at eye level for him to do it, but Xavyn let him.

"You saved me, Xavyn. You made me your friend when we were children. You were brave, you fought your father to come and see me, you fought for your life when he nearly beat you to death. You have stood by my side through my best and my worst, you helped me, protected me even though I didn't physically need it. Whenever I was scared, you opened your arms to help, you made sure I was ok whenever we went on a mission or even if we were home, relaxing or training with Baki Sensei. Nobody, and I mean that, has ever treated me as nicely as you have in my entire life. It is because of you that I had the strength to change my way of thinking." "But Naruto-" "Naruto gave me a reason to change. You were the one who helped me do it. When I killed because I thought it was my purpose, you gave me people to kill, you comforted me after I transformed with Shukaku, you allowed me to sate my bloodlust. You changed with me, you gave me things to protect, offered distractions when the pain became unbearable. You've helped me more than you seem to know."

"I...I'm glad I c-could help. Y-you deserve to be...treated with the...utmost respect." Xavyn chopped his sentences short in an effort to still his stutter. "As do you, Cupcake. You've earned it. Nobody has worked harder to overcome their obstacles than you. I desperately wish to help you as much as you have helped me. I wish to show you how much you mean to me. I know how hard you fight yourself and the voices in your head, but nobody knows better than I, that you can't fight them alone. I'm begging you, please stop hurting yourself. I need you here with me, you are my one and true love. I can't do this without you, I don't want anyone else. You are the only one I have ever had an interest in, and you're the only one I have met who could handle me at both my angelic and demon sides. Please, please stop this, Xavyn. I don't want to lose you." Tears rolled down Gaara's cheeks and he hugged his partner tightly against him. "I love you so much, I don't want to see you in so much pain, I can't stand to watch you suffer." The thought of losing the only person he ever truly cared about made Gaara's chest tighten like when he was a child.

Xavyn bit his lip and buried his face in Gaara's shoulder. "I-I can't...I can't stop. Part of me doesn't want to stop until I'm pretty enough and...and good and small, I don't want to be a waste of space in your office." "You are good. You are already pretty enough for me, and if you're worried about space then I'll make room for you. I need you." Gaara's voice cracked as he struggled not to join Xavyn in a puddle of tears. "Xavyn I swore to protect you and I meant that, even if it's yourself I have to protect you from. I don't know how to prove that you deserve to be cared about but I'll try. I'll do whatever I can to help you through this. We're in this together, right?" Gaara's hand slid up to grasp Xavyn's and interlock their fingers, sending chills down their spines. "Y-yes, together. Always. I'm so sorry I hurt you, I don't want you to go! I'll do better, I promise." The thought of Gaara being hurt over his actions hurt more than anything the voices in his head could ever say. "I'm not going anywhere, Xavyn. It'll be ok, I've got you."

They stayed locked in each other's arms until the tears dried and the pain in their hearts dulled away. "I'm sorry for being so stupid and selfish. I didn't know...no, I didn't think that I was hurting anyone. I didn't even see it as hurting myself." Gaara kissed his temple and carefully stood up, Xavyn leaning against him. "I understand, you would do anything to make us feel important and what you thought was the right course of action was to remove yourself from our lives, correct?" He nodded. "As I said, I need you. You're the only person I've always wanted in my life and I know that my siblings see you as their brother as well, they want you to be healthy." "I'm sorry..." "It's alright. We'll help you through this. We all love you." Xavyn blushed and they headed back home. They stumbled through the doorway and Kankuro raised a brow at the pair, spoon caught between his teeth from whatever he was eating with it. "What...the hell are you doing?" "Falling. Are you gonna help or what?" Xavyn asked from the floor. "Or what." Kankuro chuckled, his friend huffed and carefully wiggled out from under Gaara, Kankuro went to step back into the kitchen where he'd been snacking, but he paused when he saw tear streaks on both Gaara's and Xavyn's face.

"Is everything ok?" He asked cautiously, knowing from experience that Xavyn could be easily startled into a panic attack if he'd been overwhelmed. "Um..." The youngest hid behind Gaara and used the Kazekage's hat to hide his face as his partner answered the question. "It will be. I'm going to draw him a bath." Xavyn trailed behind his leader and partner to the bathroom where he had been pushed to sit on the counter and Gaara shut the door. Xavyn fiddled with his shirt while the tub faucet was turned on and Gaara sat on his knees, sleeves up and hand under the water until it was warm enough for him to plug the tub. "Get your clothes off, Xav." Xavyn hadn't stripped around Gaara since before he started purging himself; that was more than three months ago. He felt self consciousness seep into his heart and mind, and his hand froze on his sleeve before he could pull it off. Gaara heard the lack of clothes hit the ground and he turned to see Xavyn pre-panic attack. He stood and stripped completely nude before gently taking his partner's hands. "Come on, Baby. Up and off, do it quick if that's easier."

Xavyn heard the words and his hands, though they felt numb, tried to obey, but he slipped a few times. "Ok, I have to take your clothes off, alright? Otherwise they'll never come off. Don't focus on me." Gaara eased the shirt off and tried not to wince at the sight he was met with, there were strange marks all along Xavyn's torso, and his stomach was so sunk in, his heartbeat looked rapid and wild, as if he could see through the flesh to the organ itself. Xavyn whimpered and trembled, snapping Gaara out of his trance. He quickly rid his partner of the rest of his clothes and eased him into the almost-too-hot water. The tub was big enough for both of them to sit and lean against each wall, a perk of being the ruler, and Gaara sat behind, leaning Xavyn against him. Gaara's back was against the tub wall and he had Xavyn face away from him, leaning against his chest. When the tub was full enough, he shut the faucet off. They sat in silence, listening to each other's breathing and the slight splash of water as Gaara ran his hands up Xavyn's arms and gently through his hair.

"I love you. I love you so much, you'll always be beautiful to me. You're so strong, the way you continuously fight your self loathing and find time to help with my duties. You're an amazing human being." Gaara whispered praise against Xavyn's temple and watched him shiver. "I'll be...better. Won't hurt you anymore." Xavyn was worn out from everything that had happened, but he was determined to prove that he could change, so he carefully turned to face Gaara. "I'll do better. I'll try to...tell you when...when things hurt...you really think I'm pretty? I-I'm not...ugly?" "Of course you're not ugly. It is certainly strange to see someone so skinny, but it doesn't make you ugly." Gaara cradled Xavyn's face and pecked him on the lips. "I love you so much." "I love you too." When they were both clean of the day's dirt, grime, and pain, Gaara pulled the plug to let the water drain and he stood, helping Xavyn out of the tub. Suddenly, Xavyn remembered something that made him fully awake and he held Gaara still, preventing him from drying him off further. "What's wrong?" His partner asked, worried he was being too rough. "I forgot to do this." Xavyn kissed him hard and tangled his fingers in the red hair he loved to mess up. Gaara was ecstatic and immediately reciprocated, gently pushing Xavyn against the counter to slide his tongue in the other's mouth.

Xavyn moaned against his lips and his nails gently dug in Gaara's scalp. "Love you so much. Love the way you kiss- fuck!" Xavyn arched up against his partner when his nipple hoop was tugged at experimentally. His head fell back and his free arm wrapped around Gaara to keep him close. "Gods I love when you do that." "Xavyn...I know you want to take this further...but you've had an overwhelming day. If you give me your consent, I'll continue. Do you want to?" Xavyn took the time to think about the pros and cons. "You're right, maybe we shouldn't go all the way. But can we at least use our hands?" "If you think you can handle it." The younger nodded and they grabbed their clothes, leaving to the adjoined bedroom where there was a lockable door. Clothes were tossed on the floor and the pair climbed on the bed, kissing and tugging at each other. Xavyn was on his back, looking up at cautious green eyes, Gaara was above him, caging him against the sheet, and checking for any sign of distress.

When he didn't find any, his hand trailed down Xavyn's ribs to his hip. Xavyn's moans were quiet and his left hand immediately went to Gaara's hip as well. Their hands slid slowly to the other's cock; Xavyn almost fully hard and Gaara at half mast, gently gripping at the base. "Gaara let me suck you, please?" "Alright." With a grin Xavyn could only create from getting permission to do his favorite thing, he moved down and gently held Gaara's thighs, at first, just kissing down the cock in front of him. It twitched and he licked up a long stripe from base to tip, sucking gently on the tip and making Gaara's hips rock; Gaara kept a hand in Xavyn's hair as he always did in this situation, petting and tugging while the other teased him to a full erection. He loved when Xavyn gave him head, he had a knack for it, but he put real effort into drawing every ounce of pleasure he could from Gaara's willing body. Xavyn swallowed around the red cock, pulling back and letting a string of saliva connect it to his lips. Gaara was moaning softly and shaking above him as he climbed back up.

"Gods you're so good at that." With a gentle smile, they sat back against the headboard, side by side. They made out while their hands wrapped around the other's cock and stroked. Xavyn moaned low into Gaara's mouth and his hips bucked, seeking friction his partner wouldn't give him. Xavyn wasn't as good with his hand as he was with his mouth, but when he felt pre-cum pearl on the cock in his hand, he swiped it around the head and watched Gaara shiver with a quiet whine. Gaara's movements were smooth and certain, slow and tight to milk his partner, while Xavyn became more frantic and needy. "Do, oh fuck. Do you wanna suck me off?" "Yes, yes. I want it." Gaara stopped his hand, grabbing Xavyn's to stop his as well, and shifted his partner so he could do what he wanted while Gaara was still able to jerk him off. In the next instant, they were both in their element; Xavyn closed his mouth around Gaara's red, weeping cock, taking him inch by inch until his nose brushed bright red, albeit short, pubic hair. Gaara fisted the sheet beneath him and ran his thumb along the underside of Xavyn's cock as his fingertips glided up and down from base to tip.

They became lost in the actions, Xavyn's whimpers muffled by the organ in his mouth, Gaara's groans muffled by his closed lips, both bucking their hips in search of an achingly sweet release. Their movements became erratic and in sync with the other until Xavyn searched for Gaara's hand and held it tight, the elder knew he was close. "X-Xavyn I'm gonna cum!" The younger kept himself at the hilt and swallowed around Gaara, using his tongue to run up and down, and around, the cock, coaxing the orgasm out of his lover. Gaara cried out and trembled as the pressure became too intense and his hips jerked; he fucked into Xavyn's throat without meaning to, but no complaints were given, nor did he try to pull away. Xavyn dug his nails in Gaara's thigh and rode his own release out as it spattered on his partner's stomach and chest. He whined around the now flaccid organ and slowly pulled back and off, licking his lips to break a line of spit and he crawled up next to his lover who was panting harshly and gripping Xavyn's hand for dear life; which made Xavyn kiss the other's hand tenderly. He licked his cum off Gaara and cuddled up next to him.