What did I do?

My whole body feels like it's falling apart as the tears keep coming.

How could I do that? To the woman I love even, the one who means everything to me. Why did I cast that spell and hurt her? It wasn't supposed to do that. It wasn't supposed to hurt her. All it was supposed to do was help her. I just wanted to talk to her and tell her that I love her so that she'd have a reason to wake up and be with me again.

That's all. Things weren't supposed to happen this way. They weren't supposed to turn out like this. So why did they have to? Why did everything fall apart like it did? Why does my life have to always turn out like this? The people I love keep getting hurt or killed. All of them keep getting pulled further and further away from me until I lose them. No matter what I do or how hard I try to be happy, it keeps happening.

It's not fair and I can't stop it. My dad, my mom, Buffy, Tara, Anya, Carmen, all of them have left me in one way or another. If it hadn't been for the spell Willow cast to bring Buffy back to life, I never would've gotten her back. She would've been gone forever like everyone else. I'd be completely alone if it weren't for that spell. And now, there's Faith...

Nothing seems to stop the tears from coming out of me.

How could I do that to her? I love her more than anything. She means everything to me and I did that to her. The other times I didn't have any choice in the matter. Everything that happened was completely beyond my control. I couldn't stop my dad from leaving. I couldn't stop my mom from dying. There was only one way that I could've stopped Buffy from dying, and she wouldn't let me do it. She knew I had to jump off that tower to save the world, but instead she did it herself to save everyone else.

There was nothing I could do to save Tara. She was dead by the time I got there. Her body was lying on the floor, her shirt red with blood where the bullet had hit her in the chest and run straight through her body. I couldn't do anything to stop it, or anything else that Willow did because of what happened to Tara. She was the one person I felt I could talk to in a very bad time in my life and she died. I wanted to do something, but I couldn't.

After Anya died, all I could think about was the fact that she was alone when she died. No one should have that happen to them, the whole bus ride to the nearest town with a hospital that was pretty much the only thing on my mind. All the way there I did everything I could to keep everyone alive, but every free second I had, Anya and all the other people that didn't live through the battle popped into my head. The blood and gore all around me was the only thing that kept my mind off the death and destruction from Sunnydale.

And now there's Faith... what happened to her is different than what happened to everyone else though, because it's my fault. She's in there, fighting for her life, again, because of that spell I cast on her. The woman I love could die because I was too stupid to wait until she woke up. What kind of idiot am I? I just wanted to talk to her again, to let her know that I loved her on our anniversary. Couldn't I even have that? It's my first one. I've never had an anniversary before, not a one year anniversary anyway. None of my other attempts at relationships ever lasted long enough to have a one year. I was lucky if we even made it to a month.

So now I find someone I actually love enough to have a one year anniversary with, and I have to spend it in a hospital room waiting for her to come out of a coma. I had to do something. How else was I going to have an anniversary?

Slowly, the tears I've been crying for what feels like hours stop coming so hard and fast.

But of all the things that could've happened because of the spell, I never expected this. It's not what I wanted. What the hell did I do?

A soft hand touches my shoulder and I somehow find it strangely comforting.

"I'm sorry..."

I wipe the tears from my eyes as much as I can before looking to Candy sitting next to me. Her sympathetic smile, like her hand, makes me feel a little better... but only a little.

"Thanks..."

"She'll pull through. I don't see Faith as the giving up type."

"If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have to keep fighting the way she is."

There's a long moment of silence between us where Candy's sympathy smile disappears.

"True."

What?

She seems to get the hint from the feeling of shock that suddenly comes over me.

"Well, if you hadn't done whatever spell you did, this probably wouldn't be happening now."

Yeah that's a lot of help.

"Gee, thanks..."

"Hey it's the truth isn't it?"

My shoulders drop forward slightly and so does my head while I wipe more tears from my cheeks.

"Doesn't mean I wanna hear it right now, okay Candy?"

The girl I call my best friend watches my face for just a second before shrugging.

"All right, sorry... bad timing..."

You could say that. I really don't think now is the time for people to be pointing out how badly I screwed up. What the heck does she think is on my mind anyway?

Just then, Buffy comes down the hallway and I look up when she yells out.

"Dawn!"

I stand to face my sister, who rushes up to me and hugs me tightly.

"Are you okay sis?"

Like I know how to answer that right now, with everything that's happening.

"I'm, I'm okay. I guess..."

We step back from each other and she reaches out, pushing my hair back behind my ears.

"Really?"

All I can do is shrug a little.

"She... she's in surgery. They won't say how it's going."

Saying that makes fresh tears sting my eyes.

"I'm so sorry Dawnie."

She puts her arms around me for comfort.

"But you can't give up. Just because they won't say anything doesn't mean that things aren't going well. She could be up and talking in no time."

There was another time that she said that.

"You said that when Mom went into surgery too."

My sister stiffens up a bit when I say that but does her best to smile her way through it.

"This isn't like what happened to Mom. Faith will get through this and be okay."

I hope to god that she's right. I couldn't handle losing her like this. Not after what I've done to make it happen.

Buffy looks at me and I know she's about to ask what I don't want to answer.

"The only thing I don't understand is why this happened. She was doing so much better. Why would she have a setback?"

Candy decides to speak up now.

"We don't really know. I came to see how Faith was doing, since I hadn't had a lot of time to do that, what with me having my own room in the hospital and all. Dawn and I were talking, then all the sudden she started convulsing. It was insane."

She didn't rat me out. Why didn't she rat me out? Buffy has a strict policy about magic that applies to all the slayers she trains. They aren't allowed to use magic at all without express permission from either her or Faith, and if they know someone who's using it, no matter who it is, they have to speak up about it or get severely punished, if not expelled. So why didn't she rat me out? She knows what I did, but she's acting like its some kind of mystery.

The two of them look at each other for a second.

"You think it was mystical? Maybe it could be a side-effect of fighting the demon?"

It was definitely mystical, but that god damn demon had nothing to do with it. I almost wish it was his fault. Then I wouldn't have to live with what I did.

"I'm not sure. Did I have any setbacks like this when I was recovering? It's not something I really remember."

"Well, I made sure to check in on everyone in the hospital at least once a day if not more, and I don't think any of the other girls went through something like this."

For a second, there's a moment of silence before Buffy looks at me with concern.

"Geez, Dawn I'm sorry."

She's sorry?

"What?"

"Here we are going on and on about what could've done this to Faith, when we should be focused on you, helping you through this."

Oh...

"Uh, well it's okay. I... I wanna stop whatever did this to Faith as much as you do."

Except I'm the one that did it, there's nothing to figure out.

Candy's expression when I say that is one I'm not a fan of, but I don't think Buffy notices since she's focused on me. My sister reaches out and combs the hair out of my face with her fingers.

"And we will, when we know there's something to go after."

Only a second later, I catch the doctor coming down the hall in the corner of my eye. Turning to face him, I see he's wearing surgery clothes. He takes his mask off while he approaches and I get this horrible feeling of dread running through me at the unreadable expression on his face.

"Ms. Summers?"

Both me and my sister respond.

"Yes?"

The doctor looks at each of us, confused for a second.

"I'm sorry. I'm looking for Buffy Summers."

Buffy steps up next to me.

"That's me."

"I've just come out of the surgery on Ms Faith Lehane. You're listed as her emergency contact?"

"Yes... how is she?"

He hesitates for a moment and I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

"She's fine. The surgery was a success."

Oh thank god...

I put my arms around Buffy and she hugs me back tightly, a huge sense of relief flowing through me.

"Ms Lehane had a small set back in her recovery. One of the arteries we recently repaired apparently ruptured unexpectedly, but we were able to repair it without complications."

She's all right. Faith's all right. I didn't kill the woman I love.

Then Buffy asks the one question I'm not sure I want the answer to.

"Do you have any idea of the cause?"

"We have some idea. It seems as if there was a strange increase in stress on her heart just before the rupture. However, there doesn't seem to be any specific cause for the stress."

I don't care about that.

"Is she going to be all right at least?"

He smiles at me sympathetically.

What is it with people giving me that look?

"She'll be fine. The extra stress concerns me though. I'm going to have to recommend that Faith remain in her coma for at least another week, perhaps two, just to be sure that she's completely out of the woods."

Another two weeks? How am I supposed to survive another two weeks like this without her?

My sister decides to dismiss the doctor.

"Thank you. Please have someone let us know when we can start visiting her again."

"Of course..."

He nods and then turns to leave.

What did I do? I put Faith in a coma for another two weeks. How could I do that?

"Hey..."

When Buffy speaks, I raise my head to meet her eyes.

"Faith's okay. She's going to be all right."

No thanks to me.

Her expression makes me drop my eyes to the floor.

"I know, it's just... two more weeks? I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself for two weeks."

She attempts to smile but doesn't do a very good job.

"Well don't worry, cause you'll have me, and you'll have..."

Buffy turns around to point out Candy, only to realize she isn't there.

Where'd she go?

We both look to find her but she's nowhere in sight.

"Did you see her leave?"

I shake my head no.

"Didn't you?"

She shakes her head the same as me.

"I didn't even hear her go. At least I know she's been listening to me recently."

She is?

"Why?"

"Because, before all this happened we were teaching the girls how to disappear without anyone hearing you in class, seems like she managed to pick it up pretty easily."

Oh...

"She probably just didn't like hearing about what happened to Faith, since she went through a few surgeries herself recently."

Either that or she didn't like hearing me act like I didn't know what was going on.

My slayer sister turns to me then.

"But hey, you know she'll be there for you when you need her, just like I will. We'll help you get through this so that you won't feel so bad without her."

I don't know how I could be, knowing I'm the reason she's gonna be in a coma for another two weeks.

"I know you will. Thank you."

"We're family. It's my job to help you through tough times Dawn."

Buffy puts her arms around me and hugs me tightly. With her touching me, I can't help but hug her back, knowing what I've done.

At least I have Buffy. She's here for me when I need her. Faith's in a coma and she's here to comfort me. Even though she doesn't know what I've done. If she did, I don't know if she'd be here helping me through this. I don't know what Buffy would do if she found out what I did. But for now, I need her. So there's no way I'm going to tell her.

She pulls back a little, touching my face gently.

"You're gonna be okay Dawn... and so is Faith. As long as you have me, things will be okay."

And I really wish I could believe her, but after what I've done, I don't know if I deserve everything to be okay.

* * *

It won't stop.

The heart rate monitor keeps it's steady beeping, hitting my ears like the sound of the guilty conscience in my head.

That beeping won't stop torturing me. It just keeps going and going without end and it's driving me nuts. I wish it would stop... except I don't. If that beeping stopped, it would be so much worse than if it keeps beeping away like it is. Stopping it would mean I'd lost her and I know that's not what I want. But I don't want the beeping to keep reminding me of what I did to her either.

I run my hands through my hair and let out a deep breath to try and calm down.

So what do I do? How do I do this? How do I live with what I did to her? If she were awake, I'd tell her and hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive me. Except that she's not awake. She's still in a coma and there's nothing I can do about it. In fact, I made it worse by doing the spell I did, which means I can't beg her for forgiveness, and I have to live with this until she does.

Maybe longer if I thought she wouldn't forgive me. I don't really know for sure if she actually would or not. There are some things about the way Faith reacts to stuff that I'm never really prepared for. Like with that guy Craig a couple weeks ago. I thought for sure that if she found out about what happened with him and how he asked me out that she'd go all nuts and break up with me or something. But she didn't. She was cool about it.

And it was only a couple weeks before that she got all macho with this guy who tried to pick me up at Slash. He came up to me in the booth I was sitting in while Faith was off getting us some drinks and tried to flirt with me. The guy actually wasn't that bad, he seemed funny and smart, but when Faith came back she made it perfectly clear he wasn't welcome. Which he wasn't, and I kinda tried to tell him that but he was kinda focused on getting to know me so he didn't listen. Faith set him straight though, with that stare and that attitude of hers that I find a little scary and really sexy at the same time.

After that, I was sure she'd get all jealous and want to punch out that guy Craig. I wasn't prepared for the idea that she wouldn't. How is she going to react when she finds out I did a spell that nearly killed her? Will she be okay with it or will she be angry and yell at me? I don't really know. Anything could happen, and it's killing me to think that she might not forgive me. I just wish there was a way that I could know for sure.

There's a short knock at the door and I sit back, looking behind me to see who it is. Tess walks in, the same smile on her face that everyone's been giving me since Faith ended up in a coma.

"Hey Dawn, how are you?"

The question has me rolling my eyes.

"Whatever..."

"That well eh?"

She makes her way over and I dread the thought of having to talk to Tess.

"I heard about Faith's setback. Wanted to see how you were doing."

My only reaction is to shrug while she pulls up a chair.

"Whatever..."

A few moments of silence pass where neither of us says anything.

"Can I do anything?"

All I do is shake my head without even looking at her.

"Are you sure? I could get you a glass of water or something."

She's being too nice to me. I don't deserve to have someone be this nice to me.

"Thanks but... water isn't all that up there on my list right now."

"Right, sorry... I was just trying to help."

Ugh, why did I have to say that to her?

"No... I'm the one that's sorry. I... I shouldn't be that mean to you, it's just..."

"You're in a bad way. Don't worry, I understand. It's okay."

"It's not, but I appreciate you being so understanding."

Tess shrugs sympathetically.

"What are friends for?"

Speaking of friends, I forgot to ask.

"How's Candy? She kinda ran off after the doctor told us about Faith."

She sighs.

"Yeah, I talked to her earlier. Seems like she just got scared with all the talk of things going wrong, things probably just got to her because she almost went through it herself."

That makes sense I guess.

"But she's all right?"

"As far as I can tell, yeah..."

"That's good."

What if... did Candy say something to Tess?

"She didn't... say anything else, did she?"

One of my best friends looks at me strangely for a second.

"Say anything about what?"

"Nothing... I was just, you know, wondering."

Tess and I sit together in silence for a while.

"So, how are you doing?"

The question makes me take a deep breath, trying to figure out how to answer that.

"I... I honestly don't know."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No... yes... I, I don't really know."

She chuckles.

"Well, at least you're consistent."

I have to chuckle a bit myself.

"I guess I am."

Another moment of silence passes.

"I just..."

I'm not sure how to put this exactly.

"I feel so useless like this."

It takes me a second to continue.

"Faith means a lot to me and there's nothing I can do to make her better. Hell, I've even managed to make things worse."

"How did you make things worse?"

"I... it doesn't matter."

I'm such an idiot sometimes. What the hell did I do that for?

My hand slowly curls into a fist as I try and explain what I'm feeling.

"I just... don't know what to do with myself. S-something in me keeps telling me that I have to do something. That I can't just sit here and wait for her to wake up. Because the more I do the more I just wanna..."

Lashing out, I slam my fist into the steel bars around Faith's bed keeping her from rolling off it.

Ow!

"DAMN IT!"

The sudden pain in my hand makes my eyes well up as I shove my fist under my arm and squeeze it as best I can to make the pain go away.

"Geez, Dawn, are you all right?"

I bite my bottom lip to help with the pain, rocking back and forth a little.

"Of course, I only yell damn it when I'm extremely happy."

She reaches out and touches my arm, gently pulling on it, silently asking me to take my hand out from under my armpit. When the pain starts to go away a bit, I pull it out.

"Here, let me see."

Gently, she takes my hand, examining it. Her hand feels nice and soft.

Why does it feel wrong to think that her hands are soft?

With a sudden knee jerk reaction, I pull my hand away at the lurch in my stomach. Tess looks at me like I prodded her with a hot poker or something.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just... I'm fine. No real damage, I don't think I broke any bones or anything."

She doesn't quite know what to say to that.

"Uh... okay... good."

This isn't doing any good. I can't just sit here and do nothing anymore. There has to be something else that I can do besides sit around and wait for Faith to wake up. There has to...

Suddenly it hits me.

That's it... I know what I have to do. The only thing I can do.

I stand up and walk away from my comatose girlfriend, heading straight for the door. One of my best friends follows me.

"Where are you going?"

"To find myself a weapon..."