Im really fucking done

Sometimes i wanna cry so hard, and i know i can't because i need to keep up thst happy-go-lucky personality for everyone I know, and sometimes that persona slipacup and i make ONE joke that someone didn't get, they start calling me dumb and when i finally leave the conversation i have to act like I'm not upset at all

And when i try to bond with my irl friends, but they dont take snything seriously, and when thwy wanna vent im there for them, but why do i feel like i cant????? i dont know if its my anxiety or smth making me think they'll hate me, or whether its my brain realisng they already hate me and me trting to deny it, it makes me want to scream

whenever i try to tell one of my irl friends about this new interest i have, he'll shut me down and make fun of it, and make me feel bas for liking it. ik it isn't intentional, but what if it is???? what if no one lieks me the way i am and they're trying to turn me into ehat THEY want???????????

I dont wanna be the sweet friend that acts tough antmore. i dont wanna be their door mat.i wanna tell them how i feel. but what if they dont bother to listen to me?? some of my other friends hqve suggested that i could try making a few jokes abt my trauma, as a way of letting go of it all, and i do it infront of the friends that use me as a door mat,and they either dint get it, ignore it, or just dont care

i want one day where i can freely write, or draw, or do smth without being interrupted by peopl in my class, saying its bad, or they could do better, i want one day where i dont need to do snything except for sit in bed eith my teddy (yes i have one, stfu) and cry my heart out.

i wanna have a normal life eith normal friends, without being hater on for being gay, or laughed st because i like legos. i wanna have at least one day where nothing bad happens. i want one day where i dont think of hanfing my self.i want one day where the person i think of as a sister doesnt call me short. a day where my self esteem doesnt go do low that i try to 'accidentaly' get hit by a car as i walk across the road to my mums car.

all i wanr is one nice day, where i can be open about my feelings. for real. without being a burden or a nuciance.

one day is all im asking for.

seriously guys dont pay too much attention to this book, i js want atleast ppl to know that 1 ur not alone with thimgs, 2. i am trying to be better, and 3. YES, I DO HAVE A THERAPIST. LEGAL AND ALL. STFU.