|CHAPTER TWENTY TWO|

"So, that's it? It's Manhattan for sure?" Quinn crossed her arms and fell back against her bedsheets with a frown.

I propped myself up on an elbow and nodded. "I told you I didn't plan on staying here."

She stared up at the ceiling and pursed her lips. "I just thought you'd change your mind after Meredith. I thought you would decide to stay in state. I'm staying in state. What am I gonna do without you? You're, like, my sister."

I sighed and lowered my gaze to the floral design of her bedsheets. When I decided I was going to tell Quinn about Manhattan, I didn't expect a twist in my gut to follow, or for dread to cloud the parts of my brain that tried to make sense of everything. I also didn't think she would be so put out by the news. She knew I wasn't one to change my mind so easily.

"And, you're like mine," I told her, hoping the statement would take away from the sting. "But, I'm really serious about starting fresh. I always have been. That doesn't mean I'm not going to come back here. I do want to continue a relationship with my mom. Plus, you know, there's Henry."

"And Bash?" She asked, turning her head to watch my reaction.

That question had come to make my insides feel like sludge. Quinn watched as my face fell. With a heavy sigh, I rolled onto my back.

"It's not realistic."

She reached across to place a light hand on my upper arm. "Does he know?"

I nodded.

"He's so good for you, Jovie—"

"I know," I cut in, pulling my arm out from under her hand. "But, it's not fair to him. He deserves better. I don't want to pull him along while I try to figure out my life."

"You love him," she guessed quietly. She knew me entirely too well.

"This isn't about running away from feelings, or being bored, or walking away because he doesn't do anything for me anymore. It's not about finding the easiest path to follow." I wrapped my arms around myself and turned my head away from Quinn. "It's about giving each other our best shot."

Quinn let out a deep breath and sat back up. "Well, if it's meant to be, you'll find a way back to each other when you're ready."

Unsure of how to respond, I slowly pulled myself back up to a sitting position as well.

"You always say the right stuff," I told her, bumping my knee against hers. "I couldn't ask for a better sister."

Her lips pulled into a gentle smile and she grabbed my shoulder, looking serious. "Promise you won't forget me?"

I leaned over and wrapped my arms over her shoulders, smiling when she squeezed me back. "Promise. I know you'll give me an earful if I don't call."

She giggled and leaned back. "Damn right I will."

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Time seemed to come and go too quickly. It was as if it knew I was having trouble keeping up. We were all free-falling, and suddenly I had to choose what to hold on to. There was only so much time before we'd crash back into reality and I only had two hands. I couldn't grab for the things I wanted. I had to grab for what I needed. That's the only way I'd make it out in one piece.

To make up for what I knew what was coming, I put everything I had into the last moments of my life with Bash. Both Meredith and Henry seemed to understand, and not much was said when I would miss curfew to be with Bash. We would bike through town, and read to each other, and slow dance to Leonard Cohen. We would laugh at bad jokes, leave sticky notes in books, eat takeout on the weekends, and fall asleep listening to a thunderstorm.

He truly had become my haven.

"I don't say it enough," I told him one day while we sat together at our spot in the library, both wedged tightly into the same leather chair. "But, I like the way your voice sounds, and that you smell like home. I like when you play with my hair, and that I can feel the paper cuts on your fingers when you trace the lines on my hands. I like that you prefer being permanently stuck in a storybook. I like that—"

Bash began to chuckle, and he put a hand up to stop me. "What's all this blandishment about?"

Sighing at the interruption, I rolled my eyes over his frilly language and leaned my head against his shoulder. "I just wanted to let you know. You say stuff like that to me all of the time."

He put an arm over me and pressed his lips to my temple. "Well, when you blush it's charming."

I grinned and squeezed out of the corner of the armchair to get a look at his face. Realizing what I was about to do, Bash snatched the book that was resting on his lap and held it in front of his face.

"No," he warned, his voice high. "No, Jovial."

I giggled and tried to move his hand from his face. "You're..." I tried to think of a pretentious word he would enjoy. "Nonsensical?"

He laughed at that and stopped fighting me by lowering the book so that I could see his clear blue eyes shining playfully. "You tried."

I scoffed and pushed him lightly. "Whatever. You sound just as ridiculous."

He lowered the book from his face and shook his head, forgetting his embarrassment now that there was an opportunity to turn the conversation elsewhere.

"Jovie, my love, it's an art." His voice purposely turned pompous the way he knew annoyed me, and I groaned the way he knew I would. "You're lovely even when you want to beat me with a book." He grinned.

I wrinkled my nose and he wrinkled it back before stealing a kiss.

"You would be in so much trouble if you were working today."

He shrugged, and pulled me closer by the waist. "Oh, I doubt it. My co-workers find us devastatingly sweet. Judy asked when I was going to propose." I felt the color drain from my face and my eyes widen, which only made Bash laugh and press a kiss to my cheek. "I had a similar reaction. Still, no amount of refutation could convince them otherwise."

My mouth went dry, and any attempt to say anything felt like it would come out in a stammering mess.

After a short hum, I forced a sentence out. "It's not like you've actually thought about something like that, right?"

It took a moment too long for him to reply, "When I think of the future, I think of something more immediate."

"What does that mean?"

My eyes were on our entwined feet, and I felt my body shift away from him as much as it could, considering we were crammed together.

"I—uh." He stumbled over the beginning of a few sentences, like he was fighting his tongue from spelling out what was on his mind. "Sometimes I imagine that you let me come with you to Manhattan. I like to ponder what that would be like — to stay with you."

I felt my entire body turn hot, like I was a wax candle melting from the intensity of the flame. "Oh."

"I would do it, you know? No questions asked. If you ever thought that was why we can't be together—"

"I told you why we can't," I reminded him robotically, realizing that this was turning into something I dreaded. "That has nothing to do with it. Don't make it harder than it is."

"Well," his voice suddenly snapped. "I apologize, Jovie, but I'm not like you. It's harder for me. It's comforting to know that this isn't going to end abruptly while I'm in the middle of loving you, but...I wish I could be there."

I wanted to tell him what Quinn had said. I wanted to reassure him that if it was meant to be, then we would find a way back to each other eventually. But, I knew who Bash was. He was hopelessly romantic in the kind of way that handicapped him. If he had hope, he would never move on. I couldn't hurt him like that. I didn't want him to wait for something that wasn't certain.

It pained me. I had grown to want too much, and the spinning wheel that I was came too close to completely toppling over for far too long. It was time I stopped daydreaming.

These were my first steps out of the clouds.

"I'm in the middle of loving you, too," I told him gently, raking a hand through his golden hair. "That's why I can't stay."

He grabbed my wrist, stopping me. "You are a paradox of a person, Jovial. Don't leave me, yet."

I searched his face, finding that all of the odd angles of his face seemed filed down and rounded like I had worn him out. Nobody ever tells you that love can do that. That one person can thrive while the other one begins to wilt. And, as that realization dawned on me, I felt sure I was making the right decision.

"Just kiss me for right now?" I asked, sliding my arm around his neck and pulling him close.

He didn't need an explanation, he just kissed me. He was day and I was night, and we could only be together as long as twilight would allow.

Now, only a sliver of a second remained.