When we got home, I sat quietly on the beach. I listened to the waves break and rush in over the sand before being sucked back out. I watched as the whitecaps broke and lost their shape before being grabbed and roughly jerked away from the beach, only to form again. What had once been a soothing and peaceful place to come and think, was now a violent act set before my eyes. The sounds, also had grown louder and more uncomfortable. The gentle lapping rhythm had changed as the crashing waves smacked against the shoreline angrily.

Unable to relax, I headed back to Thad's house to read more about Narnia, a place where I could find peace and acceptance. As I approached the backdoor, I could hear Thad's voice coming from the open window.

"Ally, as much as I would love it, you and Gilly can't stay here. You both need to get home and discover if that's where you belong."

He sounded more pleading than insistent and for a minute I was afraid he might give in to my mother.

"I know you're right," my mom responded, "but I'm afraid."

"I'll be with you both. I'll come up every month while you get this figured out."

I let out a big sigh and opened the door.

"Gilly," my mother said, "Thad is going to take us home next week. Does that sound okay?"

"Yes, that sounds great." I smiled at Thad. Then the thought of leaving here began to scare me too. "When will we see you again?"

"I invited Thad for Thanksgiving," my mother added without prompting.

"Great!" I cheered, feeling relief flood over me, "and Captain, too?"

"Yes, of course, Captain too," my mom agreed.

Before we went out to have a celebratory dinner, Ben called.

"Hey, are you alright, Gilly? I heard Debbie and some boys got in trouble for giving you a bad time."

"I'm okay. We're going home next week. Thad and my mom decided it's time."

"Can I come over in the morning? I have to be at school at 3:00 for the play."

"Sure. I really liked the play by the way. You were great."

"Thanks, see you tomorrow."

Thad took us to a nice restaurant in Florence for a late dinner. He did his best to make it a special occasion to help ease the incident at the school. Even my mom was more animated. She smiled and joked and even looked right at me when she spoke. I thought that going back to San Jose would be a good thing for her too.

Maybe because I hadn't been ready to see it before, or maybe because it was just now starting, I don't know for sure – but something romantic was happening between my mother and Thad. As I watched them, I realized that I felt totally at ease. All the noise and frustration that pushed me into loneliness and isolation seemed to melt away.

*

My mom had a doctor's appointment on the following Wednesday. With Halloween on Friday, we decided we'd leave for San Jose on Saturday.

Thad felt that he needed to plan something special for us to do on Halloween. He was too far away from the town to get any trick-or-treaters, so he invited Ben to come over for a scary movie marathon with pizza, soda and treats. We settled in the living room with a fire in the fireplace and the four of us got comfortable on the couch with popcorn. We enjoyed zombies, witches and ghosts. Ben chose 'Men in Black', I picked 'Hocus Pocus', and both my mom and Thad went with 'Ghostbusters'.

Just before Thad left to take Ben home, Ben and I walked out on the back porch for our last goodbye. He kissed me again and this time I kissed him back. He told me he'd see me around. I hoped he was right.

*

Saturday morning we were up and ready to hit the road by 7:00 am. Thad and my mom cooked breakfast together – eggs, bacon and hash browns. I walked through the house saying my silent goodbyes as I placed a seashell in each room. It was my way of leaving a little piece of myself with Thad.

Thad left Captain in Ben's care. He drove us home in our car, then planned on flying back after he got us settled. As he steered our Taurus down the driveway, I looked out the back window for a last glimpse of his house, our peaceful shore in the storm that nearly took our lives. I felt torn once more between here and home.

We drove for hours, the cassette playing soft classical music in the background and Thad and my mother's voices calmly droning just an octave or two below the string section. I read and dozed and looked out the window trying to see where we were without asking. By afternoon the sun had pushed the gray curtain of fog away and exposed the light blue sky that hid behind it. A smear of yellow, orange and red ran across my window as we pushed south past the oak and maple trees that lined the side of the road and were sprinkled over the golden hills. We were in California! I tried to remember back to who I was when my mother and I drove through here on our way to Drakes Harbor. That Gilly seemed so young and oblivious of everything. I knew without a doubt that that girl was gone forever.

I thought about Ben and how sad I felt to say goodbye. He had become a part of me in such an important way that I actually felt an ache in my heart when I thought about him. We would write to each other and I was sure that Thad would keep us updated. I knew it had to be enough, but like my mom often told me, "It's never enough, we always want more." I suspected she was talking about herself and Thad.

*

Once we got home, getting settled in was actually fun. Thad helped my mom move things around and move some things out. He held her together when it came time to pack up the life we had before and he insisted that she and I keep appointments that the doctors' in Eugene had set up for us in San Jose. We both saw counselors and although my mom seemed to dislike the idea, it became a regular part of our weekly routine.

Middle school turned out to be much easier than I could have hoped. I was able to create my own story for my summer away. In my telling, there was no trauma or bullies or death. Instead, I composed a love story - for my mother, a boyfriend - for me and an endless summer on the beach with Thad. I used my imagination like one of Thad's paintbrushes to create a picture filled with beautiful aqua blue doors and a row boat that carried all my good memories back home with me.

Susannah and her family had moved away during the summer, but I was able to make several new friends. We stayed close through high school as we helped each other survive our teenage years.

Thad kept his promise of coming to visit every month and he and Captain often stayed from one month to the next. He and my mom were in love and in our own torn and scarred way we were a family.

The turbulent summer had been replaced with fall and a new calm had settled in. Thanksgiving and Christmas lulled us comfortably into a new year. Many more years went past and Thad, my mother, and I found ourselves moving forward ever so slowly against the winds of loss and despair; and as time marched on, we found that together we were strong enough to push those cold winds aside.

4/