So, I thought long and hard about this topic - whether to write this note or not but I think it is necessary.

I am not ridiculating anyone's opinion, neither is it to target any specific person, of course we all have different thought processes and it is okay to not think alike especially when we are reading.

Journey of Emotions was my first book on MaNan and I started writing in 2017/2018. So you can imagine how far I have come. That being said, I am someone who likes to think, to hear and to explore.

When I wrote this book, my world was limited to ITV. Being from an Indian family, Indian daily soaps were all I grew up watching. So I think this explains the dramatic part of the book.

All in all, I didn't put much thought into the book when I first wrote it. But now when I am editing it, I think I am learning about many things as well. Maybe if I had written it today, I would have changed a lot of the plot, but since I kept it original, I only focused more on the bonds and relationships. A lot of MaNan scenes you guys are reading or will read in the book ahead, they might be new, at least most of them will be. The edited version explains them falling for each other a little better, it explains their povs but there is only little I can do. So there are still places which I can neither justify nor change.

For example - Nandini's trauma and denial of her feelings.

Now I am no expert in the trauma department. But I also see people overlooking the fact. The trauma I have written or trauma in general is not just for the sake of it. It is not just a background story of a character.

It is not - She was a broken angel, he healed her. I mean yes it is, but the healing part - it contains messy stuff. It includes him trying so hard to the point where he gets hurt too but he still doesn't give up. It includes her denial of her feelings, trying her best but still not succeeding.

In no way Nandini's trauma is a pass for her to hurt Manik, but it is certainly the reason behind her behaviour. It is not a justification but the 'why is she that way'

Let's talk about trauma in detail now. Please note, I am not a professional and my only motive is to explain why I wrote what I did. I searched up some things for the sole purpose of explaining. Feel free to point out any mistakes I made and I apologise if it hurt anyone's sentiments.

- Why does Nandini not move on from her past, it is high time already?

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton

Just because Nandini's physical wounds are all healed or no longer visible, it does not mean it is over. Her pain, the hurt she felt it is still there. She is still going through a trauma of what she went through.

- Why can't Nandini not accept Manik's love and be happy?

“Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk

“However, traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become experts at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk

Nandini's trauma had changed her and in her mind, the version of hers that loved Manik is dead. She doesn't believe she deserves him with the way she is now. It is not her place to love him any longer. She has bad scars from the past, she has unresolved hate, and anger in her heart. She doesn't want to ruin his life by being with him. She refuses to believe she can make him happy when she herself is not happy. It is the same as saying how can she love him when she doesn't even love herself?

- Why does she always get away with crying and being angry?

Healing trauma involves tears. The tears release our pain. The tears are part of our recovery. My friend, please let your tears flow.” ― Dana Arcuri

I think even if not for trauma, for some people tears are the way they express themselves. I am someone who works the same way, even during the moments I am in extreme anger - my tears fall because I feel helpless and it is the only way I can let it out. I think it is the same for Nandini. She cries because she is in pain. She is recovering and she needs to let the pain out to heal properly.

- When Nandini can forgive her friends, then why not accept Manik and his feelings?

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ― Oprah Winfrey

I think it pretty much explains why she forgave them. Nandini had been angry for so long, she tried to shout and hurt them with her words, she was rude to them but did it change the past? No, right? In fact, she realised it doesn't do anything for her either. The reason she forgave them is because she knows there could be nothing to be done. I think it was a step in her recovery from her past.

- Why does Manik need to do all the effort all the time? Nandini does nothing for him?

"The reason why you need emotional support is because it’s important for survivors to be heard. To be understood. To be able to express yourself without fearing criticism or harsh judgement. To be validated for your pain, suffering, and loss. For others to be there for you to encourage you, especially if you’re having a bad day or feeling triggered.” ― Dana Arcuri

Manik does the efforts because he chose to love a woman with trauma, someone with a harsh past who had lost herself due to it. It was a decision he made. He didn't love her expecting her to love him back.

He is not wrong in expecting her to love him back though when he knows she has feelings for him. He was wrong when he took the wrong approach - to marry Veebha.

Nandini needed love and assurance. She needed support but he turned his back to her, he told her she was to come to his wedding, expecting her to take a stand when she was busy loathing herself. His efforts were not wrong but the place he put them into, it was wrong.

If people must remember, Nandini had been harassed, blackmailed. She lost her best friend and she was accused of her best friend's murder and then she got into an accident herself which resulted in her being in a coma for six months. During that period, everyone she had trusted with her life turned their back on her. They didn't trust her, they said harsh things to her. Her own blood brother threw her out to the wolves without caring for her safety.

Nandini does trust Manik, she knows he won't hurt her but think about it for a moment, did she think her best friend's, her brother would do that to her?

She knew them for so long, she practically grew up with them. And she has known Manik for 2-3 years. Of course she is not going to forget her pain in a week or month and get all better.

She was trying, she still tries but there are insecurities to deal with. There's still fear of how others might abuse her trust this time. There are scars left behind from the incident that changed her and even if they don't hurt anymore, they serve as a reminder of what happened to her.

I am not saying she is right but there is a reason why she behaves so. Manik told her he loves her but then not even a month, and he called her and told her he was getting married. He couldn't wait for a month and people expect Nandini to forget almost three years of trauma in a week or a month?

This is not how trauma works. It is not a switch that you can turn off and on. People heal but it takes time and patience. Manik was helping her but he behaved on impulse.

Just because someone is making efforts does not mean they are right.

In no way, I am saying Manik is the only one at mistake. Nandini is the only right person. No, they are both humans. They make mistakes, they repent of them. In any relationship, there can't be a 50/50 balance all the time. There are days when it will be 30/70 or there are days when it will be 80/20. You don't stop loving someone when they are going through something difficult.

Manik fell for her because he saw her beyond her trauma. Nandini can't move on because she can't see herself beyond her trauma. What they need is to communicate, not get angry or take decisions in impulse. They need to solve their issues. It is not a game of who makes more efforts, who begs more for forgiveness. It is about loving each other on their highs and lows.

But this is my point of view. This is what I kept in mind when editing the book. Love is selfless, it is so easy to admire but to stand by it. To make sacrifices, it is way too difficult. Life is not a bed of roses, hell even roses come along with thorns but does that mean we stop admiring them? It is still a human we are talking about here.

Maybe this book bends towards Nandini more because I kept it this way. Manik is not the one who is dealing with childhood trauma, and if he is then he has made peace with it. Journey of Emotions was always more about Nandini's story, her past, her trauma. How she dealt with it, how she overcame it. It was her story.

I do regret not adding Manik's side and I accept it as a mistake I made as an amateur writer. Maybe it is why people feel Nandini doesn't love him enough. In reality, she does but she has so much on her plate that loving him is not her priority, yet.

I am sorry if my writing, or my opinion hurt anybody. It was never my intention as it will never be. Everything I write is for fiction purposes. The only meaning behind it is limited to the emotions the book displays, nothing beyond it.

Feel free to share your reviews. I will try my best to be understanding and make changes in the coming chapters if I can. Otherwise, I will be posting the next chapter in the evening.

Thank you, have a nice day all of you. ✨