sequel to I hate you but i love you except this is in a platonic setting and some of them are related to what actually happened between interactions between me and em, i might stop writing about takashi because my friend who i once called takashi will probably find this and i don't want em to burden to much. you are free to ship the takashi and ricci on the other part but pls don't ship our real selves, we've already forgiven eachother but we don't talk anymore so yeh.

but i'd love to talk with him when the oppurtunity comes back but anyways, this is a platonic setting where ricci is 22 while takashi is 24. that's all, let's get into the oneshot. - ricci

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RICCI'S POV

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Me and Takashi has been talking. We have been ever since i was 10. After his recent breakup with his girlfriend (the girlfriend that is one of my best friends, by the way.) (also he is kinda a player.) we talked a lot. we'll just gossip about such and talked and it was such a fun time. Though he did confessed that he had feelings for me but i know it was no more than a crush and denied but we kept in contact. (i wanna make him smile and be with the right girl y'know? And i know, it ain't me. Besides i'm bi and leanin' more to girls.)

Though for this month, my young cousin has come over to my place to live in as Mindanao is a dangerous place at the moment, though her brothers will be staying at another country along with my uncle who is living in another country and i was the safe bet.

My cousin, Brie, is staying with me for a while until our president is able to get rid of the dangerous in Mindanao as terrorists has attacked the island again and it has been really hectic. 

Right now, i'm sitting at my couch. Talking to Takashi as Brie is sitting on the floor, doing her homework. I've been helping her understand her 7th grade math. It's really hard and i would know. I did nothing on 7th year. (true story)

Putting my phone down as she called my name, i looked down at her. "Yeah, Bri?" She seems nervous yet at the same time excited before looking up and asking. "Ate.. do you have a boyfriend?" 

Well wasn't that unexpected? I shake my head to say no. She seem disappointed before nodding and then asking. "Then who are you texting?" "Oh, my friend." Now she seems a bit more.. suspicious. "..Really?" I know that tone.

"Yes, really Bri. I'm just talking to my friend. Alam mo naman na hindi ako into relationships and so on." I said with a judging face as she shakes her head and smile. "Okay, ate."

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Few days passed and Kashi's at my place. Yes, i have nicknames for him. I have nicknames for all my friends, i don't use em too often as i'm kinda embarrassed or shy about it - though half of the time, i don't even know some of the nicknames i gave to my friends - but anyways..

It was a Saturday Night, he came around 5pm afternoon after his shift in his cashiering job - a shift that he cover for - It has been our kind of schedule. Meeting up, staying late, sleeping over and waking up early in the morning to leave as if nothing ever happened.

But this time, it was different. Different than usual.

"So. I'm moving jobs." I spat out my can of sprite as his eyes looked at me, amused. I turned to him, surprise shown on my face blinking two times before speaking. "Why? U-uh, not that i don't support you or anything, i totally do! It's just that, why?" tbh i wanted him to move jobs a week ago, his co-workers were terrible and such douches. ugh.

He took a sip of his can - which by the way, beer. i'm like one or two years younger than him but i hate alcoholic drinks so no way. - before answering my question. "Well 1. I can literally see you wanting me to move asap." I snort at that. "2. I got enough money and i work hard than most of the co-workers and 3. I'm moving jobs because i found a job that fits my role y'know?" I smiled at that. Relieved, even. I really want my friends to have a stable peaceful life. But of course, life is shit.

Nodding at his words, i took a very exaggerated sip which he totally isn't trying to not laugh at before making a gulp sound and then 'ahh..'. "Now that's the tea, kin." I grinned at him as he laughed at me being so extra. (kwaii desu~ ;333)

"That was like.. the most extra and dramatic thing you've ever done." "I'm prets sure i've done more." "Yes, yes you did." We laughed. Laughter filled the living room. The entirety of chips that i have in my cabinets are spread on the coffee table and the television shut off. Domestic, fun, peaceful. I-

A door clicks open from behind me and Brie's voice called out. "Hey ate, i need help with-" I turned to her with a hum leaving my mouth, staring at her surprised face. I stood up, putting the can down on the table. "Hey Brie. Sorry that we were noisy, forgot to tell you that i had a guest over. Meet Takashi."

I walked to her and slung an arm around her, pulling her next to me before gesturing to Takashi with a smile. My friend put his can down too and smiled at her, giving a handshake which my cousin returned with, hesitantly. "Nice to meet you, Brie." "N..Nice to meet you, kuya." 

He chuckles lightly but sat down before i turned to her. "What's up?" She shook her head and looked up at me. "I need help with the laptop. I've been getting many pings from it." She seems very upset about it. "Aight, lead me to it."

We walked to my room where she's staying in and i see my black cased laptop on the bed, clearly hearing pings from it. "I don't know what happened but when i was just searching for meanings of words for my homework, i kept hearing pings for the past few minutes." I sat down on the bed and took a look before noticing a bunch of pings and notifications from my online friends. I sighed, laughing which Brie tilted at. 

"No need to be afraid. It was just my friends messaging me. I must had my phone off and got worried." Being the youngest out of my friends sometimes suck but oh well. She gave an 'o' motion before nodding and then pushing me out of the door. "Well thank you, ate. Have a nice night with your boyfriend!" 

I then stopped on my tracks at what she said. What? 

Shaking my head, i sat down on the couch. Takashi looked at me with a confused face, clearly heard my cousin's words. "Does.. she know that i'm in a relationship?" Now that's when i get confused. "You're in a what?" He stopped. 

"shit." "you motherfuck-"

After a few minutes of talking about it, playing Mario Kart. He left for the night. He had to go to his original shift as his last day shift then tomorrow he was going to leave. I sighed to myself, shutting the door closed as i waved to him goodbye. 

I cleaned our mess then took a close look inside my room to check that Brie is sleeping. She luckily is and i am very grateful for that. Sitting down on the couch, i turned on my phone and answered the messages, took a few minutes of chatting online and scrolling through social medias before walking to the kitchen and grabbing a can of sprite again.

Sat down and drink. Staring at the dark abyss of nothing. My phone was the only thing that's lighting up the room and i intend to keep it that way. I drink. I think about the memories i have with Takashi and how he was a dear friend to me and how he certainly had goals, dreams, ambitions. I had nothing, mostly because i never thought about it.

I didn't really thought much about my future, always just thought of my upcoming plans, focused with my friends and checking up on them. We may be adults now, we're free from school, from homes and got our own life but it's still hard to choose on what life i wanna go for. 

But i do know what i want. A girl-to-girl relationship for once, driving test, be single once out of the relationship. That's all. Nothing else. But then again, these are things i wanna try to have, not really goals that i have.. or does it count as the same thing?

I don't even know anymore. I shook my head before taking a last sip. Takashi deserves better than that rotten no good job and in fact, me. I hate him, but sometimes, i wish i want to be him. How do i get the courage to talk to others easily? How do i act natural and casual around others? How do i act like i'm myself and not a fake copy? 

It's so hard. I feel like i lost a version of myself and sometimes, i cling to others. Askin' in the most subtle way on who i really am. Who am i to you? Who was the Ricci that you know before you met this one? Each year as i grow older, i sometimes ask this to myself. Who am i to myself? 

I shake my head before looking down to see a message from Takashi, wishing me a good night. I smiled and wished him one.

... I hate you, but i want to be you. I say as i stare at the back of a girl who lost herself a long, long time ago.

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AUTHOR WORDS

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I-

okay.

i didn't expect that.

i had no reason for any like.. thinking.. angst? at the end?? like i wanted it to resolve around Takashi? but then averted to me? so uh..

#characterstudytolearnaboutyourself

anyways~ hope ya'll likea this. i like this. though i might have to improve more abit with the conversations part? they seem bland so i'll see what i can do.

(disclaimer: the words i wrote on the italiced words, ii m not havin any problems, i'm living perfectly fine. this is the thinking and the pov of adult ricci or how i think adult ricci would turn out so don't fret.)

good bye~ :heart:

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