Journal of Hearts

(A Collection of Short Stories)

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May 6, 2015 - "Seen"

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Jansen Harvey Mendez (1)

To the most amazing photographer I know... 😉

Hey, Lazy! How have you been? Seems like you haven't gotten online with your personal account for weeks. C'mon, man, loosen up! You need to socialize again! Haha. 😄

I assume things had been very busy in the photography world, and to be honest, I myself had been busy too. Casey and I had just come home from our honeymoon at El Nido. The place was so awesome I'm pretty sure you will never give your camera any rest because the view was just so captivating! But I didn't send you a message just to babble about me.

Well, to be honest, uhm... I don't know how to start saying the things I wanted to say, but I know I would never be able to bravely say all these to you personally so...uhm...

I waited for you, Lace. I waited for you to come to my wedding although I was already certain that you wouldn't be there. The entire time the ceremony was going on, I couldn't help but think of you suddenly appearing at the weirdest places of the venue because you wanted every angle possible to have a beautiful captured moment. But you never came, and it confirmed to me something.

I knew, Lacey, I knew and I'm so sorry. I'm very sorry that this heart wasn't courageous enough to beat for you. And even if it was, to be honest, I know in myself that I will never deserve you. You deserve better - no, scratch that - you deserve the best. I'm sorry because the moment I realized I am in love with Case, I already knew that it was going to lead to the altar. And I'm sorry because I knew I had been hurting you all along. Since then, I knew that something else was causing you to miss all of our get togethers and I simply understood all your excuses because I knew you needed space. It was the least I could give you. How I wish I was also the person who could give you comfort, but I was giving you the vice versa.

But the main reason I wrote (technically, type) this crappy Facebook message is simply because I wanted to thank you. I can't find the right words to even express how grateful I am that the Lord allowed us to be opponents in a photo journalism contest back when we were in elementary, because if that didn't happen, I wouldn't have the best friend that I have now. Thank you, Lace, for every little thing, for the concern, for the efforts, for the love. You've always been there for me and your primary concern in the duration of our friendship was to make me happy, and you did make me happy, Lacey. You still do. You make me happy knowing that you still chose my happiness over yours. How I badly wish I could do the same for you... I've been so, so unfair to you. I'm terribly sorry. You're one of the best people in my life, Lace. And right now, all I'm hoping is that all will still be well with us. I would understand if it would never be the same. But I still hope that you'd be able to forgive me. So I guess this is it, then? This is how we both let go. Hope to see you around, Lazy.

Seen by Lacey Danelle Hernandez 4:37AM