Journal of Hearts

(A Collection of Short Stories)

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August 4, 2014 - "Photoshoot"

"Please, please, please, pretty please?"

"I'll think about it."

"But why?" He pouted, much to my dismay. "It's just one of those biggest favors I rarely ask from you."

"I said I'll think about it."

"But...Lace, please?" He frowned while literally kneeling right in front of me, but I kept my stern composure despite the pain I was harboring and simply shook my head. Knowing him, of course he wouldn't stop. He casually took my hand and held it closer to his heart. "I am humbly asking the service of one of the most amazing event photographers in the Philippines. It would really be an honor if you would say yes to one of the most amazing and, ehem, handsome best friends in the world. So...please, Lacey?" And then he showed me one thing I didn't want to see today - that puppy dog eyes method he was fond of using to me, if that's even a method.

I groaned and pulled my hand away, sinking in my seat with my eyes shut. "I don't know my schedule yet."

"But I know you could do something about it because it's for me." That remark made me open my eyes and I couldn't help but chuckle as I look back at him.

"Why are you so sure?" I challenged.

A mischievous grin appeared on his face as he said, "Because you love me." He then winked at me.

I swallowed hard.

I shut my eyes again, biting my lip in the midst of concentration. He was right. He was so dang right. And I hate how he is right all the time. But not everything that is right belongs to me.

"Have you made up your mind now? I've been asking you this for weeks, Lazy. Just please...say yes." He was practically shaking my knees now.

Actually, I have already said yes to him a long time ago, but the question is different, and it is something he never raised to me...and I unfortunately know that he never will.

I sighed and rolled my eyes."Alright, alright!" I lifted my hands in surrender. "Do I even have a choice?"

A pair of arms instantly made their way around my body as he collapsed against me on the couch. "Thank you so much! You really never let me down. And that's why I love you!" He tightened his embrace as I let his words sink in. 

The way he said those last words undeniably sent another searing pang inside my chest, making it difficult to fight back my tears. 

I hope I just said no.

-----

"I can't believe you're doing this."

"No one said I believe this."

"Well then, you don't have to do this, Lace. Why are you torturing yourself?"

"He's my bestfriend."

"And what, you'll do everything that would make him happy even if the cost is your own happiness?"

"Just shut up, Claire, okay? This is our job anyway. We must think professionally, that's it."

"But you know you never think professionally around him."

Daniel sighed at the backseat. I thought he had realized that I needed their silence now, but he still intervened, "Claire has a point, Lace. Your recent photos aren't even close to the standards of Lacey Hernandez. We know how hard this is for you."

I clutched the steering wheel tighter than never before. I have dreaded this day, and everybody knew it, except for Jans, of course; but I already said yes to this a month ago, and there's no turning back. I wanted to do this for him, at least, for the last time perhaps.

We reached the venue after hours of traveling. My hands felt tired when I let go of the steering wheel even though they haven't done their major job for the day yet. It was like every part of me was slowly becoming crestfallen, first, the emotional, and then the physical, but my mind was deciding to go further and finish this losing battle just for the sake of my friendship with Jansen.

I parked the car in silence but the girl at the shotgun seat spoke again, "You can still back out, or maybe you could just leave the job to Dane. He'll take their photos and I'll direct them so you wouldn't have to see them today anymore."

"But she'll still see the photos when she edits the invitations, babe," Dane countered matter-of-factly.

I buried my face in my hands as the pair continued to babble about how I could escape this photoshoot, but when I remembered that what they were talking about was actually pointless, I heaved a loud sigh and finally faced them. "I can do this, okay? I want to do this for Jans. I wouldn't go here if I haven't prepared myself, but I did, so there's no point backing out now." I removed the key from the ignition, unlocking the car doors before I told my assistants some last few words inside the car, "I just need you guys to assist me not only on the job...but to be there when I couldn't take it anymore as well."

The two just gave me a nod. Soon enough, we were already hopping off my car carrying all our paraphernalia - my camera, extra lenses, tripods, materials for light control, and etc.

Put your game face on, Lacey, I told myself.

"Lace!"

I was apparently welcomed with one of the Jansen Mendez' tight hugs. I hugged him back, pulled away after a few seconds and forced a smile.

"So...how do I look?"

I was already gazing at him from head to toe before he even asked, and I struggled to remind myself that I shouldn't be mesmerized with the sight of him. "Hmm...it's like the tux was perfectly made for you," I soon answered. But you weren't perfectly made for me.

He grinned like a Cheshire cat. "Thanks. Glad I've entrusted the garment-choosing to you."

Wish you've entrusted your heart to me as well. I cleared my throat before my brain says anything else. 

And even though I just wanted to go home already, I needed to overcome today's photoshoot, so I asked the painful question, "Where's future Mrs. Mendez?" I managed to force a smile again. "We better get started, I can't wait to see the photos." Well, I can't wait for this to end.

"Me too! Oh, she's at the gazebo. Hopefully they're done with the makeup and all now." He rolled his eyes, to which I chuckled. "She didn't even have to wear makeup anymore. I love her natural look, you know? So full of grace and beauty..."

I gulped as I saw the way he talked about her. This wasn't the first time I witnessed that, of course, but the pain was still the same, or I should say, it was even worse now.

We started walking across the vast garden then, with me behind him so he wouldn't have to see my whole demeanor. Claire and Daniel on the other hand, were probably finding good locations and setting up our materials at the moment.

"But hey, I have to say your makeup team is amazing! I guess that's one of the reasons Hernandez Photography is looked up to. You have such amazing workers." He glanced back at me and smiled. "I haven't even seen their finished product yet, but I know I will fall in love with my future wife even more when I see what your makeup artists had done to her."

I simply clutched the camera hanging loosely around my neck, unable to say anything in response.

"Damn! Casey?" And that's when we reached the gazebo. Jansen automatically ran towards his girl.

I couldn't look up. In an instant, a hand was placed at the small of my back. It was Daniel, but I gave him a nod to tell him that I was okay. I sighed and finally looked up just in time to see Jans pulling away from their kiss. He was apparently so delighted with the sight of his fiancé, the way I feel delighted every time I see him.

I cleared my throat to remove the lump rising in it. "Good job, girls!" I praised Sam and Dana as they began rearranging their makeup kits. "And hello there, Casey. You look dashing." I then smiled at the girl that makes my bestfriend undeniably happy. 

She is so beautiful indeed, and I knew that there's no way I could even compete with those tiny hazel eyes, rosy white complexion, perfect smile, and ginger hair. She's all I'll never be. And she has the guy I'll never have.

She walked up to me and gave me an awkward hug. Well, to me it was extremely awkward, I just didn't know to her. "I'm glad to finally meet you in person, Lacey."

I smiled subtly. "Me too. I was apparently in the field whenever Jans set get-togethers before, so we didn't get the chance to meet."

"Yeah, that's sad, but we understand how busy you are. Well, I'm happy I could personally tell you now that your works are massively beautiful and I'm glad that our prenup photos will be taken by you ." She smiled genuinely at me. "Thank you for agreeing to Jansen and for adding our request to your packed schedule."

"No worries. Well, should we begin now? It will be dark soon," I said so I could finally stop feigning a smile in front of this gorgeous girl. 

Work, work, work! I reminded myself. It's time to capture their sweetest moments, which to me are the bitterest.

As usual, Claire's location choices were wonderful. We started taking photos of Casey and Jans beside a wishing well, wherein I told them to act as if they were playing hide and seek around it. Click! Click! Click!

Then Claire led us to the center of the garden wherein a massive tree was stood. Jans immediately positioned himself underneath it and then called his girl. I told Jans to sit on the grass and lean against the tree's trunk while Casey sat in front of him and rested her head against Jans' chest.

"Perfect!" I announced professionally. Click! Click! Click! Then I immediately turned my back from them and wiped the sweat forming on my forehead. "Where else, Claire?" I shut my eyes as I waited for her answer, taking this chance to not face the happy couple.

Dane noticed my expression and gave me a light tap on my shoulder as we followed where Claire was heading. The couple excitedly went ahead of us, and just like what I usually do to my other customers in prenup photo shoots, I took stolen pictures of Jans and Casey...without actually looking at the eyepiece.

The photoshoot went on for almost an hour. We were already about to pack up when Casey suddenly tugged Jans towards the entrance of the garden wherein an arc wrapped with real red roses was stood, all of us of course came along.

"Oh my! Wouldn't a photo here look lovely on the front page of our invitation?" The bride-to-be said with much enthusiasm as she caressed some roses on the side of the arc.

"What do you think, Lace?" I almost didn't realize that Jans was talking to me.

"Uhm...why not?" I simply shrugged. "Why don't you give me a front page kind of pose now?"

Jans smiled widely at my remark and I knew immediately that there was something behind that smile. "I know just the right pose," he announced.

Before Casey could even ask, she was already in Jansen's arms, dipped gently and securely by the man she was about to marry as they shared a passionate kiss that certainly caught me off guard.

My hands shook terribly. And the gasps of Claire and Daniel behind me didn't help one bit. I couldn't even bring the camera near my almost watery eye. I wanted so bad to run, to go back to my car and forget that I even agreed in taking over this prenuptial photoshoot for the sake of my friendship with the guy that I'm in love with. I couldn't believe I was willing to take this kind of pain for his happiness. 

But I had to move. After a few brushes of Claire's hand on my back, I inhaled sharply and carefully took the last photos of Jansen and his bride-to-be. Click! Click! Click!

"Alright! It's a wrap! Photoshoot is over!"

I heard Daniel announce the moment I turned my back and pretended I was checking the photos on my camera when in fact, I was still taking the time to recover and breathe normally, because I knew that any minute now, Jans would rush to me and engulf me in one of his tight hugs to thank me and blah blah blah.

"Congrats, Team HP!" Dane continued with feigned enthusiasm while packing up our equipment. "And of course, Jansen and Casey!"

And then there's the Jansen hug I was talking about. I held on my camera tighter as his arms draped around my waist from behind me, something that only meant as a friendly gesture to him but meant so much more to me.

"Thanks so much, Lace!" He said. "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to us." He then pulled away, giving me time to paste a smile on my face before turning around.

"No problem, Jansen."

"I can't wait to see the photos and invitations! Thank you, really, Lacey," Casey approached me as well as his man stepped aside. I replied with a nod and we exchanged a small hug before she returned to the gazebo to change her clothes.

I massaged my temples and turned around to finally go back to my car, drive home, and perhaps forget that today happened, but I was taken aback when someone suddenly pulled me by my arm, making me lose my balance, and soon enough my face was already on his chest. I didn't realize Jans still hadn't left.

He chuckled and I groaned, but he just hugged me tighter, making me wish he would just stay like this and not let me go. "Thank you."

"Do you really have to destroy my face just to thank me again?" I pulled away and caressed my nose that unfortunately hit his collarbone.

And the Jansen laughter that always sounded melodious to me filled the air.
"I can't thank you enough." He smiled. "You've always granted my requests."

I sighed.

"I wonder who will take your prenuptial photos when you get married."

I didn't answer because for all I know, his statement was ridiculous. I wonder if I'll ever get married, knowing that the guy I wanted to marry was now getting married.

"I just hope you won't pressure the photog with your high standards or you might not have wedding photos at all!" He let out another whimsical laugh. "Hmm...but I have one more request, Lace?"

I looked up at him then. "What is it?"

He searched for my eyes for quite a while before saying, "Be at my wedding." He then grabbed my hand. I was taken aback.

For once I didn't know what to answer. He knew I'm one heck of a busy professional and this was the first time he directly invited me to his wedding as if he was even pleading to me. I blinked twice and then pulled my hand away. I needed to answer. I needed to find something to say so he won't expect me there because I knew in my heart that this request was way too much and even though I love him, I can't grant this one anymore. 

I've already done so much, so much that it was already unfair to me; but I guess it's really like that if you love someone, whether they love you back or not.

"I..." I looked at anything around us but his eyes. "My schedule's out of control, Jans." I thought of my future engagements and a light bulb appeared in my head when I remembered something. "I'll be flying to LA on the week of your wedding because I was invited to be one of the main photographers for the Victoria's Secret fashion show. Can you even believe that?" I let out a small laugh. "That invitation was sent months ago. This is going to be the highlight of my career so far, Jans. I don't think I should miss this." A glint of sadness appeared on his face when I looked at him. "But...I'll see what I can do."

His face lightened up again and my eyes met his gaze for the last time. I was too busy questioning myself if I uttered the right response the moment I felt his lips on my forehead. I swear I felt my entire body freeze. "I understand how much your career means to you, but...I'll still wait for you there," he said, slowly backing away after hearing his name being called from afar.

You don't have to, I'm not the one going to walk down the aisle in my bridal gown anyway.

"See you, Lazy."

The moment he turned around, I knew that that was the right time for me to let him go no matter how much it cripples my heart. "Goodbye, Jansen." And then I whispered, "I love you."