Chapter 9-

I remembered the first time I had a panic attack. I was seven, the time we had an almost car crash, I didn't wear my seatbelt I sat in the back of the car behind mom as her sister, my aunt was driving us home from the store. Dad was with Jim, it was late, her headlights weren't working so she had to drive slow. She hit this metal fence near our neighborhood after hitting a bump. A dented fender, none of us were hurt but it shocked me to the core. All kinds of what-if situations were created in my head. If I never saw another day. My chest felt tight, I couldn't breathe. Mom called 911, the doctor told me I was fine. I wasn't. Who really is? More and more I tried so hard to keep those kinds of feelings away, it creeps up like a spider you thought you shooed away. It's the same dream but in a different scenario.

Would that be the way I end my life or would it be at the hands of someone I thought I could trust? I hated crying, it's one of the reasons I'm reminded to keep my hands to myself and talk it out instead. I punched Jim in the arm when he broke one of my dolls by accident when he was four and I was eight. It wasn't even my favorite one. I was grounded, he still had the big black bruise. It's amazing it took this long to realize what was really wrong.

I was starving. I sniffed the air if there was any food, the scent didn't reach my room. I walked down the stairs slowly, the areas were quiet until I stepped on the last stair it creaked under my feet. "We're here!" mom yelled. I turned a corner straight to the dining room to see mom, Matt, Dr. Brett, and... dad. Furrowing my eyebrows, I opened my mouth in wonder and shock. I said hi to Matt and dad waving tightly but was still confused about this whole random visit. Wasn't she just crying about dad?

"Where's Jim and Trish tonight, Dad?" I asked while finding a seat next to Dr. Brett. I had to sit somewhere neutral if anything went down.

"She took Jim out to the movies." He responded. Dinner tonight was baked chicken, mashed potatoes and corn. I grabbed the water pitcher filling the glass to the top and drank it empty.

"Aah," I exclaimed placing back on the table. It quenched my thirst, I licked my lips and sat up straighter in the seat.

"Maybe you and Trish can do something together sometimes. She would like that," Dad told me.

"Maybe," I said picking a piece of chicken and placed it on my empty plate. That was a big maybe. I had to think about it. "So what brings this impromptu dinner party?" I asked the whole table, looking at their faces as they tried to find the answer.

"Well," Dr. Brett started, "your parents thought that it would be nice that once in while your family and their significant others will come together for dinner."

"Oh, so I don't have to move in with dad?" I questioned.

"Since you're graduating and might go to university, we're gonna have this plan for now," mom answered.

"And you think that's a good idea?" I asked with skepticism in my voice.

"Things will change around here for you all. For the better," Dr. Brett said with authority. Or for worse. They didn't take their vows seriously.

Matt nodded in agreement. I thought about what Jim would think about all this, knowing he would probably tell me that we should give it a try.

"Tanya, do you think you can do this without you wanting to throw objects at my head?" My dad asked raising his eyebrows. That was mom's thing to do when she's pissed at dad. Before I left, me and Jim witnessed mom toss a full bottle of wine at dad. It was too close to his head, nearly cracking it but she missed. I think I got my anger from my mom.

"If you don't do or say anything that gets on my bad side, then I won't. John," mom said with a fake smile.

"Good, we found common ground with the two. Now we can see if Jordan will be okay with this." Dr. Brett questioned.

"Uh-" I really didn't know what else to say. Mom was just ranting about him today and now she's seated across from him. At least there are no bottles. "But what about Matt and Trish? Won't they be uncomfortable with all this?"

"I talked to them about it and they seem to adjust to the idea, ," Dr. Brett answered. So I realized that they want us to be some kind of blended family. Getting over their divorce was hard enough. It's such crap, I thought bitterly but instead, I said, "I just want you guys to be... content," with a small smile.

Dinner was quiet after that, all you could hear were the utensils clanking on the plates as we all continued to eat our meals. I chewed as fast as I could so I could go. Dr. Brett left right after dinner was over, dad stayed behind. I helped mom with the dishes until dad walked in and offered to help. I looked back and forth to them, will mom smash the soapy plate in her hand on dad's head?

"Sure. Thank you," mom replied in a robotic tone.

I dried my hands and walked off stiffly. I stopped in my tracks turning back. Mom and dad side by side cleaning the dishes. No words exchanged, just the rushing water from the sink.

I huffed out air from my mouth, walked out of the kitchen. I saw Matt on the couch on his phone, I sat next to him and gave him a small smile. "Should I be worried?" Matt asked pointing at the kitchen seeing my parents washing dishes.

"I don't think so, it's progress," I answered scoffing at the idea that my parents would become close again. Although, it would be really nice if they were sweet on each other again. When me and Jim were little, dad would take mom into his arms, spun her around and would dance spontaneously. Pretending to be grossed out but I secretly loved it.

"John, the pot will burn," mom would protest, dad ignored the sentenced as he dipped her and danced all around the kitchen, hearing her loud giggles. I shook my head getting out of the flashback, I noticed that Matt was gone from the seat. I started looking around for him, he went on the other couch, mom was now next to him as he turned on the television.

"Jordan," dad said abruptly placing his hand on my shoulder. I jumped, turning around to him.

"Dad, you scared the crap out of me," I said holding my chest.

"Sorry," he said chuckling, "I'm gonna go, sport. Walk me to the car?" I nodded and got up from the couch. He told mom and Matt goodnight, they both responded with a goodnight too while staring at the TV.

Me and dad walked out the door, steps slowly outside, he told me that it was great seeing me tonight. "Same here," I replied with a small smile.

"I'm gonna come over some weeknights with your little brother for dinner."

"That would be great."

"Come here." Dad grabbed me in a one-arm hug. I smiled again as he went into his blue Chrysler jeep. I waved goodbye as he put his car in reverse from the driveway he waved back through the window. I walked off the driveway and entered the house, I saw mom and Matt still on the couch, her head resting on his shoulder.

"Did your dad leave already?" Mom asked.

"Yeah," I responded as I went to the kitchen to get something to drink. Seeing another bottle of water I took it and went upstairs to the room for my own privacy.

That whole dinner was an hour and a half of sporadic conversation and silence. I felt drained, I dreaded for school tomorrow.

+++

I looked at the school building. Squinting from the bright sun and indecision. Could I fake a cold? Nah, I couldn't skip school either. Heading inside, I hung my head low so no one would notice me. I did hear the whispers about me, more or less new rumors.

I glanced up, spotting Myra but she didn't see me while cutting the other way in the hall. After gathering my books for chemistry class, I made my way inside and sat in the normal seat. Myra entered behind another classmate, I smiled when we made eye contact and waved, she paused in her steps and waved back before coming to her seat next to me. However she seemed tense, she barely looked in my eyes. Her shoulders were high, tapping a pencil on the desk over and over as Ms. Basil taught the lesson. I peaked over to her and asked if she was ok. "Fine," she answered quickly. I frowned, what the hell's wrong with her? When the bell rang I tried to catch her but she was already gone.

Later on the day, I saw Shane with a group of people on the way to my next class with no way around or cut through them, I ducked my head and disguised my voice when I said excuse me before making it around unnoticed. I had two more classes until this day was over. I bumped into the person. "Hey," Carl said with a wide smile.

"Hi," I said in a mood. I began to walk away. His stride matched mine as he walked next to me.

"So the Sunny Gardens, they didn't force-feed you pills, right?"

"You make it sound like I was strapped to a bed."

"Were you?"

"No. Excuse me."

"I didn't mean it to sound like that. I actually think it's pretty rad."

"Rad?" I asked simply, holding back a laugh.

"Yeah, I don't think I've met someone that was in rehab."
"You probably have, they just didn't tell you."

"What was it for, then?" He questioned.

I sighed deeply, "anxiety."

"That's it?" Carl scoffed. It's not, but he didn't have to know. "I get anxious but it's over in minutes."

"There's a huge difference between getting anxious and having anxiety." I really wanted to slap him, he's the type of obnoxious person that classifies anxiety as a thing everyone has. One of the reasons I lashed out. I began to speed up my pace.

"I thought you were a drug addict or bipolar." There were drugs in my system but I kept my mouth shut. He jogged to me my side again.

"My mental illness is a joke to you?" I halted my steps to meet his eye level, glaring at him.

"No, no, no." He shook his hands' side to side, "I'm just wondering, that's all. I'm sorry."

"Mmmhmm," I pulled up my backpack straps on my shoulders.

"Let's start over, I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on the stupid shit that comes in my head."

"That's a good idea." Carl chuckled, his hair moving along with him and pulled his hand out to me. I raised an eyebrow, reluctantly I grabbed his hand and we shook it softly. He wasn't gonna be a friend, not even an acquaintance, just a guy I go to school with and say an occasional hello. He left, walking to the lockers, he surprised his girlfriend by wrapping his arms around her waist. Quickly I walked right past them, heading to my next class.