Chapter 15:

Jason opened the door for me to enter first. "Oh, thanks?" I stepped in, avoiding bumping into his shoulder.

"No problem." The smell of coffee bean made me want to throw up. The only good thing about coffee was the whipped cream, caramel and chocolate. I let out a silent ahh when I breathed in and out. I pulled out my phone and set a timer for an hour, I wasn't taking any chances. We both walked to the counter, Jason ordered a latte, I didn't peg him for a latte guy. I ordered a peppermint tea. I drummed my fingers on the counter as we waited, I looked up to him and then quickly looked away. I whistled a tune until our names were called. We found a spare table near the entrance. I cleared my throat, licking my lips. I stared into his beautiful eyes, it was clear. Not bloodshot like it used to be. I pulled out my phone and set a timer on my clock app.

"You have one hour," I told him, unblinking.

"Damn," he scoffed, "you're actually timing me."

"Can't be too careful. Get on with it."

"How have you been?" he asked. I hesitated before I answered. How was I? I'm anxious, I'm tired but no shakes. No chills.

"I'm hanging in there. How are you?" I took a sip of my beverage.

"I'm good."

"You seem good." I smiled tightly, looking at the timer, 57 minutes left.

"I am," he said, licking his lips.

I tapped my feet under the table. "Your eyes are clear."

"Yeah," he chuckled, taking a sip from his drink.

"So the last time I saw you, you were selling at the mall." I flicked the lid of my cup.

"I had to pay off my debt and tie loose ends." He squeezed his fists and hit the table. "I"m done, with all of it. I got a job. An actual 9 to 5, it's part time at a hotel where I housekeep. I'm clean. Really. That life is over for me."

"You've said that before. You sold drugs to my schoolmates. My friends."

"So they're your friends, huh? New friends." He leaned on his elbows, reaching over to touch my hand but I recoiled. I couldn't handle his touch.

"Yes. Is that it? Why are we here?" I was losing my patience. I laid my fist under my cheek, elbow resting on the table.

"It's one of my steps," he cleared his throat.

"Oh. Oh. Okay." He's on the 12 step program, wow. "Get on with it, then."

"I'm on probation. I have to make amends on everything I've done."

"I'm on probation, too. Remember?" I reminded him. I was an idiot for getting in his car when I was high to prove a point. I scratched my forehead as I continued to listen if he had more to say.

"Look, I know what, I mean, shit, how can I put this?" He scratched his elbow, looking down. "I was fucked up. I got high to silence a lot of inside noise. Meeting you, clouded it. But when I gave you that first line, I wanted you to feel how I feel. Share the experience with me." Jason wrung his fingers together, looking around.

"Share the experience?" I squinted. Share the experience? What the hell? "You didn't want to get high alone."

"Yeah," he answered. "Like a scuba diver that needs a partner, what the hell are they called?" He scrunched his face in thought.

"A scuba buddy."

"Exactly. You're still so smart." He pointed in a victorious way to the side of his head.

"You used to tell me to leave you alone. Kick me out when I tried to do everything for you to calm down."

"I was so used to being alone. You would get so angry when I told you to get out."

"Can you blame me? You threw things at me."

"You did too."

I laughed, shaking my head. "We are toxic."

"Why did you stay?" He asked.

"I liked you a lot." I shook my head. I-" I stopped and looked at my tea. The scent of peppermint kept me alert, I blinked slowly and said, "I did it because you did it. I wanted to like it, maybe to subside this anger in me, but the more I did it, I felt sick. Now I realized I was an idiot. I almost died."

"And now? You seem calmer."

"New medication." I flicked on my cup again, looking around the café, I felt on display like every eye was on us, knowing I was making a mistake. That's not the reality. It's my paranoia.

"That explains it." I held back a laugh, leaning on the back of the booth. "Hey, you remember that time we went to the movies, we watched that Jim Carrey movie, and Kate Winslet?"

"Eternal Sunshine Of a Spotless Mind?" I curled an eyebrow.

"Yeah, that one." He nodded.

"You said the movie made no sense."

"I thought it was a comedy. Like The Mask. Or Dumb and Dumber."

"Jim Carrey has more depth. He's a character actor but he plays other genres and he's good at it."

"Confession: I actually liked it."

"You liked it?" I asked, my tone sounded more in disbelief.

"I watched it again when I took you home. It's kind of like we were Clementine and Joel, we found our way back to each other."

I gulped while taking a sip of my beverages and wiped my nose. "We didn't find our way back to each other."

"It's true. The movie really spoke to me, how the person you love always comes back."

"Love. You think me and you were in love?" He nodded. "I don't believe you."

"How come?" He leaned on the table with his elbows.

"You never expressed it. I'm not Clementine, you're not Joel. The only honest thing you told me about was your mom." I thought back of what Jason told me and how his mom struggled with so much raising him and his siblings. She herself was suffering from addiction and got sober last year but had a lot of medical debt. It explained why he was dealing drugs.

"I trusted you, I thought you trusted me."

"I did. You were the first boy that made me feel anything. The promises of our future. I was with you in the beginning."

"I made too many empty promises."

"All your so-called promises were lies. I wished the machine in the movie was real so I could erase the memories of us. Of you."

"I was high. It was no excuse." He sounded genuine, I still side eye him, all the shit he did to me fucked with my mind. My health. My body. "I'm really sorry."

"Huh. Thank you." I looked down, the sound of the bell from the entrance rang repeatedly as customers came in.

"You're not the kind of person to forgive and forget, right?"

"I can't forget, I'm trying to forgive everything. You really damaged me. I was naive. We did a lot. I'm not there yet. This is step one."

He chuckled, attempting to grab my hand again, like the first time we held hands I got clammy but I liked it. "Don't do that."

"Why, you got a boyfriend?"

"No, I'm not seeing anyone." I rubbed my hands to remove the feeling off my skin.

"Not even Shane?" He asked. Him mentioning Shane sent chills down my spine. I told him I wanted to be friends, but when I'm with him I feel closer, like I knew him for years.

"Shane is my friend." I shook my head.

"The way he talks about you, I don't think so."

"He talks about me? Like what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"He tells me things. He thinks you're cute and he's right."

"Do you tell him things?" I raised one of my eyebrows.

"I may have mentioned our past briefly."

"Hmmm. Despite what he feels about me or what I feel about him, it's not the time." Like when he kissed me, I got butterflies but that didn't matter.

"How do you feel about him?"

"It doesn't matter," I shrugged.

"Because of me," he stated.

"Yep. I was an idiot."

"You're not stupid."

"I fell for the things you said and did."

"I get it." Good. he better. What time is it? I've been here too long. I guzzled down the rest of my tea, slamming the cup down the table.  let out an "ah" from the burn as it went down my throat. The alarm on my phone went off. Hour's up. Good. 

"Times up. I should go, I don't want my mom to worry." I scooted my chair back and got up.

"How is she anyway?" He asked.

"Sober. Pregnant."

"What? Who's the baby daddy?"

"My future stepfather." I giggled.

"Let me walk you back, I can give you a ride." He's offering me a ride again. What the fuck was he trying to play with?

"No." I shook my head.

"I won't do anything. Consider this a favor without me wanting something back," he pleaded.

"I can't." Mostly I couldn't trust myself.

"Jojo. Please. It's the least I can do." I scoffed, was this the real Jason? I didn't buy it but his words sounded genuine. His nickname felt like honey sticking to my skin and the trash that collects it if I didn't clean it on time. I gritted my teeth, clasping my hands around my back.

"You're not gonna risk anything."

"I'm risking everything just being here."

"I'm offering a ride." I licked my lips and shook my head. I'm still regretting this.

+++

Jason was too close. He tried to wrap his arm on my shoulder. Me pushing his arm away. His jacket smelled like the menthol cigarettes he loved, that stayed the same. As we walked, I coughed, holding my stomach. Maybe he has changed. Could I get used to him acting this way? Where was this coming from? He was smiling more. His hair was neat. His attitude was better. I texted Matt that I was taking the bus home. He replied with an ok. At least he didn't ask why.

"You're quiet," he said, breaking the comfortable silence.

I brushed my pants and tugged on the hem when I looked at him. I sighed and changed the subject, "you still have the same car?" I pointed out when we reached the parking lot of the community center.

"Yeah, my baby's all fixed up," he said, hitting the roof of his black firebird. The last time I was in the car, I was fighting to get out. I kicked it when he pissed me off. The hood was not dented, the wheels were plump. Good for him. I opened the door and entered. Jordan, what are you doing? I strapped on my seatbelt as he entered. He did the same. Oh, he was wearing his seatbelt. He used to tell me that seatbelts were for wimps.

"Don't park in front of my house," I told him.

"Noted." As much as he was being nice, I knew mom wouldn't be happy and I didn't want her to go into labor early if she saw me getting out of his car. His driving hasn't changed. He still drove like he was Vin Diesel in the Fast And Furious franchise. 

My heart was going to leap out of my chest. I mouthed a prayer to make it home safe and not get caught with him. He made a full stop, three houses away from mine. I could finally breathe, my fingers felt numb from grasping the handle above my head. My eyes peaked at him, he shifted the gear to P and stared at me too. I cleared my throat. His eyes were unreadable. I looked away, nodded repeatedly as I stared at the front window. "Appreciate the ride."

"No problem," Jason said, smirking again. I removed my seatbelt slowly. "I can't walk you to the door?"

"No." I got out, my legs were shaking when I stepped away. I'm not falling for it. I heard his footsteps and he took my hand gently.

"I'm sorry." His voice was soft, sincere. I nodded, I believed him. This should be good for us, it was good that I made up my mind to go with him.

"Ok," I said, moving my hand. "I heard you the first time."

"Can I get a hug? I won't bite." He held his arms open, waiting for me to embrace him.

I sighed, switching my lips out to the side. He stuck out his bottom lip and made his eyes wilder. "Where is this coming from?" I crossed my arms over my chest. This had to be an act.

"What do you mean?" He frowned.

"This whole nice act. Do you have some type of game with your friends? What's the deal?"

"I'm trying to be nice."

"I don't-"

"I missed you. I really did." Should I admit that I missed him too? That would give him the power again. I couldn't reject a hug, I couldn't be near him.

"Jason, I"

"You didn't miss me? I can tell you do too."

"I did. Of course I did. I hate that I do." I nibbled on my bottom lip, hating that I admitted it.

"It's ok to say you missed me," he replied. I squished my mouth to the side, I hated that he had this effect on me. This chill down my spine wouldn't go away, the goosebumps on my arm were raised when he moved in close. I backed up by two steps.

"Come on, you can't be mad at this face forever."

"Yes I can."

His eyes became wider and he pouted his bottom lip I snorted, shaking my head. One hug, it would be the end of this. I opened my arms and met his body. I closed my arms over his neck. His embrace was soft when his arms held onto my waist. I breathed in his scent. The menthol scent from his clothes were inviting. His hand caressed my back, I heard his breath becoming heavy. My back rested on the side of his car as he gave me small kisses on my cheeks. I crinkled my nose with a giggle and told him to stop, trying to sound annoyed but it didn't work. I pushed his mouth away, and our eyes met. His thumb lingered, brushing it softly and leaned in. I hitched a breath, getting that same butterflies in my gut. I closed my eyes, pursing out my lips. What the hell? I opened my eyes, halting his moves. I placed my palm on his chest. His heart was beating as fast as mine and shoved him away. "What the hell are you doing? What are we doing?"

"Goodbye kiss?" He questioned.

"Jason, don't be stupid."

"Jojo, I'm"

"Don't call me that. I can't handle this. I have to go." He tightened his grip on my wrist.

"Wait." The conviction in his tone made my skin crawl. I shut my eyes, he couldn't be serious. "Don't leave like this. We can make this work."

"You're hurting me, let go." I removed his hold and stepped back.

"We can't work this out?"

"No," I said.

"I don't believe you," he shook his head.

"I don't care."

"So we can't see each other again?" His eyes made me lock up, I felt like I was stuck in cement.

"We might have to because of NA. Not my choice. I can't be near you. You can't be near me."

"Ok. I won't be near you. At least I get to see your face. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I believe you. This time. Like I said, it's good that you're better."

"Yeah. You too."

"Uh-huh." I offered a tight smile in response. He leaned in again. I backed away, shaking my head. His lips kissed my cheek softly. Chills formed on my skin and I moved away from the sidewalk as he entered his car and drove away. I let out my breath, itching at my skin. That was a mistake. Just in time, I saw Matt driving up my way. I adjusted my clothes before I entered the car. When we arrived, mom wasn't in the living room, so I ran upstairs and shut my door. I groaned out, dragging my back down the door and squatted on the floor. I'm such an idiot. I banged the back of my head over and over, repeatedly until it throbbed. "Ugh!" I massaged my head with my palm.

"Jordan," mom knocked on my door, "are you decent?" She held her stomach and walked in, she looked like she was almost ready to pop.

"Yes," I answered.

"How was the meeting?" I opened my mouth, thinking of another word besides good or fine. She would know I was lying if I said those two words.

"Um, okay." I shrugged.

"Just okay?" she asked with a frown.

"Yeah." I looked away and took off my shoes while sitting on the bed.

"Did you meet anyone? Made some proper acquaintances? New friends?" I stilted like a statue, acquaintances and friends were an interesting choice of words. She let out a moan, holding her stomach.

"Ms. Kenan was nice. Are you ok?" I frowned.

"Baby is kicking again." Mom looked tired, her eyes were hooded when she smiled and she could barely stand.

"Mom, why don't you relax? Let me take you to your room." I held on to her elbow to guide her.

"Jordan, I'm ok."

"You need to stay off your feet, let's get it elevated."

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you." Mom let out a tired chuckle.

"Mom, you need me to take care of you, too. Do you want to go downstairs?"

"No," she shook her head, "I'll be good in my room." As we went to the room slowly, I pushed open the door and guided her to the reclining chair. "I'm going to take a nap." My mom had been the strongest person I knew, until everything happened. They were loud enough to wake us up, Jim ran into my room scared when he heard glass break. Then dad left, well more like mom kicked him out. Then her drinking started, her weakness showed, she hated it. She hated that people saw her as soft, vulnerable. I guess that's why people have said me and mom were more alike than looks. I watched as she laid down carefully on her side, her knees almost curled and she shut her eyes. I sniffed, kissed her forehead and left the room while closing the door behind me.