Best first: When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

2

I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

3

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

4

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” 

5

Two Elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”       

6

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

7

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…

What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

8

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. 

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

9

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

10
I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.

11

Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?"
 
Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."

12

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

13

What do you get when you cross-breed a cow and a shark? 
 
I don’t know, but I wouldn't enjoy milking it.

14

I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?

15

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: “Do you want to hear a really good joke?”

The other fly replies: “But nothing disgusting like last time, I’m trying to eat here!”

16

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

17

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" 

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

18

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

19

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

20

‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ generally mean the same thing – except at funerals.

21

Crowded elevators have a different smell to children and midgets.

22

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne? 

It’s when the blind try to read your face.

23

Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely?

A. Playing Frisbee.

24

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

25

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

26

I can only guess people with dark-tinted car windows must pick their noses much more aggressively than the rest of us.

27

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

28

Q: Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?

A: It had a nosebleed.

29

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!" 

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

30

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

31

I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.

32

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.

33

Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn’t count.

34

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.

35

Woke up with a dead leg this morning. I will not take out a loan with the mafia ever again.

36

A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

37

The 21st century: Deleting history is often more important than making it.

38

What is short and would be very disturbing at breakfast?
-
Hitler.

39

"How do you tell that a crab is drunk? It walks forwards.

40

What does a crocodile say when it eats a clown? "Tastes funny somehow!"

41

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

42

I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.

43

Why do cows wear bells?
 
Their horns don’t work.

44

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

45

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” 

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” 

“And smart, too!”

46

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? 
-
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

47

I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me.

48

Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space? 
-
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!" 
- 
"What is the problem?" 
-
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"49

What would you call a very funny mountain? 
-
Hill Arious"

50

How do you know the ocean greets you? -  It waves.   

51

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

52

What goes up and down but never moves? 
-
The stairs!

53

Doctor says to his patient: 
"You have cancer and Alzheimer."
-
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

54

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
 
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”

55

Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?"
-
"I don't know."
- 
"Why do dogs bark?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why is the earth round?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
-
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

56

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp. The genie grants each of them one wish. The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

57

They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.  

58

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

59

I‘ve decided to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but apparently it’s for blind and disabled kids so I think I’ve got a good chance of winning.

60

My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

61

Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it.

62

We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

63

"How much do the potatoes cost?"
-
"2.50."
-
"And the bag?"
-
"The bag is free."
-
"Ok, give me the bag."

64

What is dangerous?
-
Sneezing while having diarrhea!

65

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
 
Doctor: “Tell him I cant see him.”

66

Dentist: "You need a crown."
-
Patient: "Finally someone who understands me"

67

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

68

"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
 
"So you can all be really sad when I die."

69

A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

70

Trying to understand women is pointless. Women understand women and they can’t stand each other.

71

I heard women love a man in uniform. Can’t wait to start working at McDonalds.

72

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.

73

Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf.

"Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?" 

-
"Go away! I'm crapping!" 

74

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?

Because they’re bitter.

75

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some and, munching, asks her why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

76

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

77

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

78

Money doesn’t buy you happiness but it can buy you a jet-ski. It is impossible to be sad when you’re riding on the jet-ski.

79

Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
-
Woman: Yeah, sure!
-
Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!

80

Two state clerks meet in the corridor. One asks the other, "Couldn't sleep either?"

81

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
-
So their nuts don't get wet!

82

Why are frogs such happy animals? 
-
Because they always eat whatever bugs them.

83

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 

84

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody!

85

Q: Is Google a he or a she?
 
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

86

Q: What is blue and smells like red paint?
-
A: Blue paint.

87

What do you get if you crossbreed a sheep and a kangaroo?
-
A woolly jumper.

88

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. 

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train. 

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.

89

What happens when you cross a snowman and a vampire? 
-
A: You get a frostbite. 

90

"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" - "We can hear it better if he falls out."

91

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. 
 
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

92

What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
-
Finds the nearest skyscraper.

93

Doctor: "Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years. "
-
"But doctor, I am already 80!"
-
"You see - I told you to quit smoking."

94

Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

95

Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!

96

Why do you see so few black people on ocean cruises?
-
Well, they're not going to fall for that one again.
97

Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
98

One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against us - We haven't done anything."

99

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! 

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. 

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

100

What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?

Chicken Caesar salad.

Total words: 2568