•If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

•I'm not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.

•You're born free, then you're taxed to death.

•The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

•When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Jokes

•I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

•I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

If you think about this one... you'll get it.

•What’s a good demonstration of the difference between a man and a woman? - The two meanings of the sentence: “What an a*s!”

•Did anyone notice that the “&”symbol looks like a dog dragging his butt across the floor?