Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
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Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
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 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
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 I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.      
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 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '   
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Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.