1) Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
 
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

2) About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

3) After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

4) Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?" 
 
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

5) This hating of people that breastfeed in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.

Note: In fact you didn't know what a PhD is, it is a 'Doctor of Philosophy'.