1
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

2
What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

3
The Lie Detector Robot

A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He wanted to test the robot.

Dad: Son, come here.

Son: Dad, what?

Dad: Where were you yesterday?

Son: School, of course! 

(Robot slaps the son)

Son: I'm sorry dad, I went to a movie.

(Robot slaps the son again)

Son: I'm sorry dad, I watched porn. 

Dad: When I was of your age, I don't even know what porn is.

(Robot slaps the dad)

Mom: After all, he is your son. What else can you expect him to do? 

(Robot slaps the mom hard!)

4
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

5
 Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
  Me: If i tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house

6
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No…
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No…
Boy: Good! *walks away*

7
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

8
   Husband (watching a video):
“Don’t do it! I swear you are going regret it for the rest of your life. Your’e dumb if you say it…! Don’t say yes. No! Aw dang, he actually did it! What an idiot!
Wife: Honey, why are you so mad? What is it you are watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

9 (no offence to short people)
Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’!

10
Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

11
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.