***You and Mortdecai go on holiday to America, where he unintentionally causes chaos the whole journey***

Half three in the morning:

"Charlie," I shouted up the stairs. "We're going to miss our flight."

"Coming, darling." He called over the bannister, a bottle of sunscreen in his hand. "I'm just - having trouble - lugging my suitcase - down - the stairs." He panted, grunting as he desperately pulled at the suitcase, his heels digging into the carpet.

I tapped my foot impatiently, checking my watch very couple of seconds.
We were going to be oh so late for the flight if we didn't hurry. Our plane left at six and it was half three, so maybe I was being a little paranoid about how late we'd be.

"Would you like me to take your luggage down for you, sir?" Offered Jock, from above.

"No, I can do it," Charlie protested. He paused. "Okay, yes, I'd like you to take my luggage downstairs for me."

"Right you are." Said Jock, picking up the suitcase and struggling down the stairs with it, whilst Charlie skipped merrily down the stairs in a floppy sunhat and dark sunglasses, humming 'God save the Queen' as he went.

I blinked.
In all the years we'd been married Charlie had never looked so relaxed.

"Wow," I said. "You look great. It's nice to see you in more relaxed clothes than your suit."

"Thank you, darling. And you look beautiful too." He put the floppy sunhat on top of my head and gave me a big smile.

I giggled.

"Oh, Jocky, pop it down there will you." He pointed behind him.

"Right you are." Jock did as he was told, putting it exactly as ordered. "Now," He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his jacket. "Your flight to LA leaves in precisely two and a half hours, so you'll want to get a move on, Sir and Madam."

Charlie looked at him over the top of his shades, as though saying 'Really, that's all?'

"Ok, I've checked that I have everything - and I do. Do you everything, sweetheart?"

"Yes. No. Where's the tickets and passports?"

"Here." Jock patted a bulge in his black jacket. "All safe."

"Phew." He wiped his forehead relievedly with his Hawaiian shirt.

"And might I add sir, I checked your suitcase several times to make sure you have everything - and you do, so you have nothing to worry about."

"Thank you Jocky, one couldn't ask for a better man-servant." He complemented as he pulled on his coat.

Jock nodded.

"Right, now that everyone has their gear, let's get going. Sir, you've forgotten something." Jock called as Charlie opened the door, the cold night air rushing inside.

"Brrr....Blimey it's cold." I wrapped my coat around me and rubbed my arms.

"Oh, yes, sorry darling." Charlie put his arm round my waist and hugged me. "I didn't mean to forget you, I'm just very excited about the whole thing."

I gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I understand. I'm excited too."

"I meant your suitcase, sir." Jock gestured to the bulging case leant against the stairs.

"Oh, right. Well carry it to the car man, we haven't got all day. This is my time to relax and spend time with my wife - I'm not carrying anything." He put his sunglasses on and strutted out the door like a boss. "And if anyone asks, I shan't."

Jock and I sighed.

Typical Charlie Mortdecai.

"Would you like any help?" I asked Jock, beads of sweat dripping down his face as he lifted the suitcase up for the second time in six minutes.

"No thanks, madam. You get in the car - I'll be with you in a second with Mr Mortdecai's suitcase."

I nodded.

Picking up my own suitcase, I carried it out to the car.

*****

Charlie and I didn't stop talking all the way to the airport, even when we had to stop for petrol because someone had forgotten to fill up the tank.

Most of our conversation was of me talking about all the places I wanted to go to and Charlie talking about squeezy cheese and where he didn't want to go (all of his decisions justified by 'because I don't want to' and 'we don't have that or do that here in England.'

When we got to the airport it was four o'clock in the morning. Only two hours till our flight left.

Whilst Jock did all the important stuff with the car and things, Charlie and I checked into the airport, hoping that there wasn't a long queue as we stepped inside and out of the bitter morning air.
Thankfully there wasn't a long queue, but we still had to wait a while.
I used my phone for a bit whilst we waited in line, Charlie's hat still on my head.

One and a half hours till our plane leaves I thought, glancing at a clock when we got to the front of the queue.

Let's fast forward all the boring and embarrassing stuff, like when Charlie started arguing with the guy behind the desk and when he accidentally ate part of someone's sandwich in the airport café because he thought it was leftover from a meal, to when we were going to board the plane.

>>>

"Come on, Sir and Madam, your plane is here - it's time to board." Said Jock, pointing out the gate.

Exhausted and grumpy, Charlie and I got up from our seats and made our through the gate to the plane.

When on board, we showed are tickets and went into first-class. Charlie held up his ticket and stuck his tongue out at everyone in second-class - a bald man sticking his middle finger up at him and showing off his massive McDonald's meal - before following me and Jock. Charlie paused, turning round and mirroring the gesture at the man, before continuing into first-class.

"You really shouldn't flaunt your ticket or indeed anything at other people, Charlie." I said, collapsing into my seat by the window. "It might make less fortunate people insecure about their finances. Besides, it's rude and disrespectful to show off how much money you have."

Charlie shrugged.

"I don't see what the problem is." He replied, sitting next to me, Jock sitting behind. "We're rich, aren't we?"

"Yes, but it makes you look like a snob, showing off like that. First-class isn't cheap at all. You could buy a quarter of a house with how much money a ticket like this costs."

I put my ticket safely away before pulling one of my three books out of my rucksack and started reading.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please put your seatbelts on, we are about to take flight." The pilot said.

Charlie, Jock and I and everyone else on board buckled their seatbelts and prepared themselves for take off.

When we finally did, I felt my stomach go down. I groaned, starting to feel very queasy. Leaning back in my seat, I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. I did this for a few minutes before opening my eyes and starting to read again.

"Uggghhh,"

"What is it?" I asked, looking up from the chapter I was reading.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Mumbled Charlie through his hand.

He did look quite green.

I do hope he doesn't do what I think he will I prayed to myself.

Like usual, I was wrong.

Pulling off his shades, he suddenly grabbed a plastic Tesco bag and...threw up, his head practically buried in the bag. When he'd finished, he tied up the bag tightly and swung it back and forth, looking fascinatedly at his throw up swilling around inside.

I watched him in disgust.

"Charlie, stop." I hissed, glaring at him. "Your going to have an accident with that and get us in trouble."

"Oh, can you bin this please, sweetheart?" Said Charlie to one of the passing stewardesses, handing her his plastic barf bag, not seeming to hear me.

"Of course, sir."

The stewardess smiled and nodded and went to bin the bag. Unfortunately, the bag didn't quite fit.

"This isn't going to end well." I muttered to Jock.

Jock grunted with agreement.

The stewardess made a face as she kept trying to force the bag inside. The bag got bigger and bigger until...

SPLAT!

There was silence.

Charlie, Jock, the stewardess and I gasped in disbelief and disgust.

"Ewww!" I squealed, jumping up. "We really need to talk." Grabbing Charlie's hand I pulled him towards the bathroom, rucksacks in hand.
Locking the door behind us I turned to him crossly, both of his covered in vomit. I glared at him, trying to make him uncomfortable. It worked.

Sighing, Charlie sat down on the loo, his head hanging miserably.

"I'm sorry," He apologised. "For causing all this chaos and making you unhappy."

I knelt down next to him and put my hand on his knee.

"Look, I love you a lot, but sometimes I get frustrated when you do this kind of thing. It's not your fault though - well it is, but it's my fault for getting cross with your chaos. Let's face it, you are a walking disaster (that's a compliment), but you are still my husband and my baby. Even if you manage to make the leaning tower of Pisa tip over and make it the fallen tower of Pisa or do some dangerous experiment that blows up our house, I'll still wuv you forever." I put my head against his and gave him a kiss.
"Now, let's wash ourselves up and get changed, we don't want to smell when we arrive."

We spent the next hour or so in the bathroom cleaning ourselves up and getting into clean clothes.

When we'd finished, we went back (now clean) to our seats and had a nap.

***
After eleven hours of Mortdecai chaos, we FINALLY arrived in LA.

"Right," I said as we got off the plane. "In London we're eight hours ahead of LA, and it's now three o'clock in the afternoon back home, so," I paused to do the maths. "it's seven o'clock in the morning here."

Charlie grunted with agreement.

"When we get to the hotel," I continued. "We can eat breakfast, unpack, go to sleep and then plan what to do today - I made an itinerary." I stated proudly, producing a crumpled piece of paper from my pocket and showing Jock and Charlie.

"Why?" Questioned Charlie as we exited the gate, looking very displeased at the idea of our planned one week holiday.

"Because we need to know what we're doing whilst we're here. We need a plan to keep us motivated to do stuff, we can't just to do nothing and laze." I answered, collecting our bags and walking towards the exit to signal for a taxi.

"But that's a point of a holiday - doing nothing and lazing."

"Might I impress that your wife is very correct, sir." Jock piped up from behind us.

"Who's side are you on?"

Jock stayed silent. His silent answer spoke louder than his words would've.

"Very well," Charlie crossed his arms and pouted, his shirt flapping in the breeze.

Putting his suitcase down on the bicycle path, he bent down to adjust his sandals.

I cringed as some guy on a bike crashed into Charlie's luggage and went flying.

"Oh my god!" I rushed over to the potentially injured cyclist and bent down. "Are you alright, sir?"

The cyclist looked up dazed and smiled at me. He looked fairly familiar.

"I'm alright, just lucky that it wasn't a person." He chuckled as I helped him to his feet, his arms and legs scraped slightly and his glasses lopsided. "Thanks. I'm Johnny, by the way."

"No problem. And, I'm Y/N."

We smiled at eachother.

"Darling, look, a yellow taxi!" Called Charlie, pointing out a nearby taxi, completely interrupting the moment.

"Yes, I see." I said, slightly embarrassed at this.

"Is that your husband?" Asked the man, pointing at Charlie, who was now running around excitedly like a little kid, investigating everything.

"Yeah. He's an aristocrat - that's his job is what I mean."

"Nice. So, long journey?"

I nodded.

We talked for a bit longer, laughing about the barf bag incident and what happened in the café and how Charlie was talking about squeezy cheese on the way to the airport.

"It was mahem."

"Sounds like a pretty cool journey to me." The man grinned.

I opened my mouth to answer when Charlie hurried up to me.

"Who's this, darling?" He asked.

"This is Johnny. The guy you sent flying because you put your suitcase in the middle of the bicycle path."

"Oh, so you're the dude who made me fly a quarter of the way across the parking lot." Said Johnny, eyeing Charlie with caution. "I believe this is yours." He heaved Charlie's suitcase off the ground which had also flown with Johnny and handed it to him.

"Thank you, good sir. And no wonder you flew a quarter of the way across like a frisbee, you've got enough jewellery on to fly yourself to Mars and back." Said Charlie, clearly jealous that I was talking to an attractive stranger. "And I hope you stay there, because I will not allow you to court my wife."

Johnny looked surprised at being accused of such a thing.

I rolled my eyes. Someone was on planet jelly.

"Come on, Charlie, let's go." I muttered. "It was nice meeting you Johnny," I called as Jock signalled a taxi for us and I climbed inside. I stuck my head out to wave goodbye, but he had already ridden away.
"He seemed nice." I said as we drove to the hotel.

"I think he seemed shifty." Charlie claimed. "The nerve to put the moves on someone's wife. Honestly." He tutted.

I didn't say anything. It was best to stay silent when Charlie was in a bitter mood.

When we finally arrived at the hotel, we paid the taxi driver, dumped our bags onto our hotel room floor and fell asleep on the bed within minutes.

***Damn that was a stressful journey. Funny though. Hope you enjoyed😘***