~~angsty angst alert & TRIGGER i repeat TRIGGER WARNING

        p.s. like maybe a major character deathhh??? you'll have to find out???~~

        John's hand on the back of my neck, and the back of my neck on his hand is all I can feel; it's all I can possibly focus on. Mary says something, and John laughs, and all I can do is cringe.

        "We can't all three dance. There are limits," John points out. I nod in reassurance as he twists his arm around her waist. They float off to enjoy the rest of their night; I am left alone.

        I mean, who leaves a wedding early? Mrs. Hudson's kind words pass through my mind. With one swift movement, my Belstaff coat is hanging off my body, coat collar popped up.

        Apparently I do. I think in response. I couldn't stay here. It wasn't because I was...dare I say, socially awkward or lonesome. No. The wedding had almost been too much to handle. The wedding had stabbed me with reality, and the knife was still wrenched painfully in my intestines.The wedding...the wedding...

        I hadn't even listened when John had stated his vows. I'm sure they had been beautiful; his writing always was, even if I did scoff at it from time to time. To be completely honest, I hadn't really watched the ceremony. Until the dreaded five words were announced, I had been immersed in my mind palace.

        "You may kiss the bride."

        With one glance up and another glance down, I avoided the scene of what caused the crowd to 'ooh' and 'ahh'. I just couldn't bear to see them lock lips. My mind would have just run wild with its over-active imagination. Far too many times, my brain had switched me with Mary. I would be the one kissing John, not her. I would be the one marrying John, not her. I would be the one who chose our honeymoon, not her. I would be the one who made sweet lov---STOP.

        I couldn't think like this.

        I couldn't live like this.

say something

i'm giving up on you

i'll be the one

if you want me to

anywhere i would've followed you

say something

i'm giving up on you

         I remember every detail of that first day. If I could seek out Mike Stamford and thank him, I would. I really would, and I never thank people. But he...he brought me my John.

         He's not yours, Sherlock. A sing-song voice teased in the back of my mind. I push it away and continue down the cobblestone street to Baker Street.

        I deduced him.

        He thought it had been amazing.

        And that was the exact moment I fell in love with John Watson.

and i am feeling so small

it was over my head

i know nothing at all

         The Virgin and the Iceman. I remember Irene Adler's scarlet nails, the color of scandal and seduction. I remember Mycroft's blank face. I remember the thought of how correct the Woman had been.

        I was a virgin. Then and now. I had been waiting for my one. Hopefully the one who would make a home in my heart and stay there forever.

        I was hoping he had the name of John Watson.

        When I returned from my two year destruction of Moriarty's web, John was with that woman. She was beautiful--blonde, blue-eyed, curvy, kind, comical. She was everything that John had wanted...and probably more. And when he recognized me. Oh, I could see it flash in his eyes--the agony and the grief and the anger. I didn't think he would be angry. I didn't think he would tackle me to the ground three times. I thought he would welcome me back with open arms, not with a punch and a fiancee.

and i will stumble and fall

i'm still learning to love

just starting to crawl

         My ringing mobile breaks me out of my thoughts. I ignore it for a few moments, but the trill persists. Digging it out of my pocket, I see that it's Mycroft. He and John were the only two contacts I had in my phone.

        "What, brother mine?"

        "Sherlock."

        "You're our of breath. Either I caught you in a compromising situation or you have been exercising again."

        "You have to come to the hopsital. Now."

        "Why would I do that?"

        "Something's happened to John."

*****

        Mary was announced dead at the scene, and John--my John--was in surgery. John, John, John, John. All I wanted was to grab him and burrow my face into his neck, breathing in every single detail of him. His scent--mint, maybe? Vanilla?--, his surprised look, his hands that would thread into my curls, that oh-so-familiar jumper.

        John.

        My John.

say something

i'm giving up on you

i'm sorry

that i couldn't get to you

anywhere i would've followed you

say something

i'm giving up on you

         Two and a half hours pass. I stay seated in the waiting room, knees tucked underneath my chin and hands perched high in a temple at my lips. Mycroft had departed an hour ago; Lestrade had stopped by, Molly by his side, but they were gone in thirty minutes. I would not leave John. Someone had to be there when he woke up, and I was the only one left.

        His best man.

        Correction.

        His best friend. 

and i will swallow my pride

you're the one that i love

and i'm saying good-bye

         The news hits me like a hurricane, and I am washed away in its depths of destruction and chaos.

say something

i'm giving up on you

and i'm sorry

that i couldn't get to you

and anywhere i would've followed you

say something

i'm giving up on you

        I slowly stroke the barrel of the gun, mirroring the way I would've stroked John's hair to help him fall asleep at night, to soothe the countless nightmares. My other hand is clenched around the armrest of his chair where stolen kisses might've occurred before we would stumble to the bedroom in a haze of lust--no. Love.

        But all I could possibly do was imagine.

        John was gone...

        ...and soon I would be, too.

        It would be over in one flash of crimson light.

        Then maybe, just maybe, there would be white.

        Then...a golden glow that was John.

        My John.

say something

i'm giving up on you

say something

        We meet with a gentle kiss, and with that kiss I feel all of the love I had possibly imagined...and more.

~~not my fault, i swear. it's all lillian's! ((aka @JohnlockPride who this is dedicated to bc i love her & this was a request)) she's the most perfect person, i swear to misha. go follow her and chek(ov) her johnlock fic bc that is also perfection. peace out~~