~~bc song!fics are my life~~

I miss him so completely that it aches. Every single minute of every single day it aches. I have tried to fix it, but the amount of wrenches and hammers I have taken to piece my being back together is running low.

The ache has just become a part of my life now. I am sure that it will probably be present for as long as I live. And right now, I have no idea how long that will be.

and you look real close

cross the lines and the roads

it is there to decode

what you thought was a ghost

or a spark to explode

it's the start of the show

it's the part you love most

when your heart will implode within

Sometimes I see him. As the bullets whish by, sometimes I see him. My mates call these hallucinations, but no one could ever hallucinate Sherlock. I would rather he be called a mirage.

William Sherlock Scott Holmes, the mirage of John Hamish Watson. Maybe one day I can replace mirage with something kinder, something more meaningful. Husband? Partner? Lover? Sherlock is all of them.

"Daydreaming again, Captain?" One of my buddies, Dale, inquires. All of the men in my tent know me as the Daydreamer. It's a usual question to be heard floating through the air, directed towards me.

I grunt, "Remembering."

do you believe in hallucinations?

silly dreams or imaginations

don't go away

cos i feel you this time

don't go away

cos i need you there this time

The first time I came home was a few months ago...for Christmas. I had no time to buy Sherlock a present because of a late flight. I knew he wouldn't even care, but I did. I cared. I wanted him to have something.

He met me at the airport, holding one of those ridiculous signs I only thought you saw in the romantic movies. Maybe the story of Sherlock and John was a romantic...something. Sherlock would scoff at that thought.

John. That was the single word scrawled in that familiar, beautiful handwriting of Sherlock Holmes. There were only two things I thought described Sherlock. One was his attire, and the other was his handwriting. Both described him almost perfectly.

He claimed me, myself described him perfectly.

*****

It turned out Sherlock hadn't bought me anything either. He said he had other plans; those plans included a dinner he attempted to cook himself. It was safe to say we knew the smoke alarms in 221B worked properly.

After I convinced him to order take-out from our favorite cafe, we ended up curled on the couch, full and happy. Something I had not been in weeks.

"I missed you, John," Sherlock whispered into the top of my head.

"I bet I missed you more," I mumbled.

"Hard to believe."

"Well, believe it, Mister Detective."

"I think we should stop quarreling and have dessert."

I looked up to find a twinkle in Sherlock's eyes that I had never seen before. I later found out that it was something he had never felt before. Or experienced.

Our night ended in savage kisses, sweaty bodies, and crumpled sheets. That night was beautiful.

as the rain floats home

carry us back to shore

and up the mountains coast

where the sun starts to glow

from our head to our toes

to the stars that we know

and with you as my host

it will keep us afloat again

"Your boyfriend?" Dale asks.

"You could call him that." A smile plays across my lips. Sherlock was so much more than a boyfriend.

"Mmm. Well, don't let him take up too much of your brain. We have a war to win."

"I know." I know.

*****

"Why are you going?" Sherlock asked.

"Because."

"That will never be a valid reason in anyone's mind."

"Because I love my country."

"So you're going to risk your life to fight for it."

"Exactly."

"That wasn't a question."

"I was reassuring you, Sherlock."

"Please don't go. Mrs. Hudson will probably have a heart attack after dealing with my antics for a few weeks."

"A few weeks..." I sighed. "It'll be more than a few weeks, love."

"Please don't remind me." Sherlock had looked down, eyes glazed over with such sadness, I almost couldn't bear it.

"I'll be careful. I always am."

"I know, John."

"You won't lose me."

"I know."

"I love you, and I want to keep you safe. That is why I am going to leave."

"I know."

"Stop it, you smart ass," I teased.

Sherlock smiled.

do you believe in hallucinations?

silly dreams or imaginations

don't go away

cos i feel you this time

don't go away

cos i need you there this time

I would give anything and everything to see Sherlock smile again. I would run a thousand miles if I could taste his lips again. I would fight for him as long as I could keep him safe.

The only question was...did he understand that?

do you believe in hallucinations?

any dreams or it's revelation

don't go away

cos i need you there this time

don't go away

cos i'm making you all mine

A year passed. I finally recieved the letter that my plan for retirement would be put into action in a week.

That week was the longest of my life, and then I was going home. Going back to 221B. Going back to solving crimes. Going back to Sherlock Holmes.

He wasn't there, holding a sign with my name on it because I wanted my return to be a surprise. The best surprise in his life.

I called a cab, and then the familiar London landscape was whizzing by in front of me. There was St. Barts, Big Ben, the Buckingham Palace. Each of the locations held a particular significance to the life of chasing criminals. St. Barts was where Sherlock had fell, and where I fell, too. Big Ben was where Parliament almost got blown up, and where I had realized I loved this ridiculous detective. The Buckingham Palace was where Sherlock wore a sheet, and I laughed.

"Are you wearing any pants?"

"No."

Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, ridiculous human being, but also the best and wisest man I had ever had the good fortune of knowing.

the silence is taxing

i'm waiting for something

there's images of love and war

and everything's here to explore

it's all alike the usual, a different place

but beautiful

and it is not quite as it seems

i hear the children's laughs and screams

There was no light, no noise, no scent. 221B was ghost-like, and Sherlock was no where to be found.

"Sherlock?" I asked into the darkness that enveloped me completely. "Sherlock?"

There was movement in the corner, and reflexively, my fingers sought the gun that was ever present in my pocket.

"It's just a hallucination," a small voice was mumbling. "A hallucination."

"Sherlock." I started towards the window, hand spread out until it touched soft, inky curls that blended in with the darkness.

"Mirages. Hallucinations. Visions."

"It's me. I'm here now."

"John." A tilt of the head, and there was Sherlock's eyes torn out of the constellations themselves. You could almost identify Orion or Sirius if you looked closely.

"Hey, Sherlock."

it's beautiful

so beautiful

it's beautiful

Later, we are curled up side-by-side on the couch, watching the new Doctor Who episode. "What if you were never alone in the darkness?" The new Doctor was saying.

"I was never alone," Sherlock whispers.

"What do you mean?" I look up at him inquisitively.

"The darkness was the only thing I had, other than visions of you."

"Sherlock--"

"My whole mind palace is only you. I deleted everything else. It's always you, John Watson. Only you," Sherlock pauses. "The way your hair feels, the way your eyes flutter when you fall asleep, the way your lips taste, the way you smell, the way your face contorts in pleasure when I kiss your collarbones..." Sherlock's eyes flicker, and my breath catches.

"Shh." I lean forward, cautiously placing my lips against his to shut him up. He sighs in ecstasy almost instantly, and then...

He's kissing my collarbones, pinning me down beneath him. I can feel him studying me, filling that beautiful brain of his with...things. Things. My mind had stopped properly functioning the minute Sherlock had torn off my shirt, sending buttons flying. He insisted Mrs. Hudson could sew them back on later, but who knew when later would be.

"I love you," I whisper into the warm, alabaster neck, littering it with even more butterfly kisses, sucking at the spots I knew were sensitive enough to make Sherlock absolutely insane.

"Joooohn," he moans quietly into my left shoulder where my scar is. He loves that scar, I swear to God.

"You were my light in the darkness, too, Sherlock," I admit. "The only thing keeping me going when the going got rough."

"I know. I deduced your hallucinations."

"Mirages. You're far too beautiful to just be a hallucination."

There's a small hum of pleasure as I kiss his throat, that sweet spot of pounding pulse.

"All I wanted was to see you again," I whisper.

"All I wanted was to kiss you," Sherlock interrupts, smashing his plump, swollen lips to mine that I was sure were in the same condition. "All I wanted was to ravish you."

"You got your wish," I answer softly.

And I got mine.

do you believe in hallucinations?

silly dreams or imaginations

don't go away

cos i feel you this time

don't go away

cos i need you there this time

do you believe in hallucinations?

any dreams or it's revelation

don't go away

cos i need you there this time

don't go away

cos i'm making you all mine

~~damn. that was steamier than i expected it to be. song: hallucinations by angels and airwaves. hope you enjoyed. dedicated to Keetasari cos she's hella rad. vote, comment, fangirl. love you all. xx~~