5 Things John did on the last day of fall break.

1. In the morning, John took a nap on the couch because he couldn't breathe. He was ninety percent sure it had been an anxiety attack, and he wasn't sure exactly what triggered it. It wasn't like some movie bullshit. He didn't rock back and forth, he didn't even really cry. He paced around the house for the while, not being able to breathe, got lightheaded and tried to make himself pass out. It didn't work but once the attack had faded and gone, he was dead tired and fell asleep quickly.

2. Afterward, John watched a movie with James and the two brothers curled up in John's room. What John liked to do was get chips, candies, and popcorn and turn off all the lights around John's room so that when they've watched the movie, it was just like the theaters. They didn't get to go to the theaters very much, so John liked to do this. There was really something he loved about the way his younger brother's face lit up when John came into his room and said, "Movie time?"

This movie was especially cool because it was an R rated movie. James' first R rated movie. So of course, John had gotten out two movies, Pulp Fiction— the obvious right answer, a classic— and Nice Guys— Not a bad option as it had one of John's favorite actors. James chose Nice Guys because according to him, Pulp Fiction "looked old and boring".

3. Then, John went out with some friends, mainly just some guys off the football team, and played basketball down at the park with them. The court was old, and the markings on the ground had faded into the concrete. The nets of the hoops were ripped and some were missing, but it didn't bother anyone, they quite liked it this way anyway. The court had a tall chain fence around it, taller than the hoops. It was lightly rusting at some parts of the fence, and John had found that out in his eighth-grade year when he went exploring on his own, leaned on the fence and got some of the rust colors on his jacket. He remembered wearing that jacket because it had been summer, and it got hot in South Carolina during the summer, so he felt ridiculous wearing it with jeans. Francis said he looked good though.

4. Around six, John went out to mass with his family. They tended to go to Mass on Sundays, but sometimes they'd forget. Frankly, John would forget his family was Catholic if they didn't go to mass for a few weeks. It wasn't like he wore his cross daily or anything. It was more like a panicked rush to find it on a Sunday so that when he shook someone's when people's eyes searched for that confirmation he really was religious, it was there. John sometimes liked to pretend he wore it every day like he was supposed to. He liked thinking of a world where he was perfect and played his role in society perfect. Just a straight, white male that goes to mass every Sunday, has a good girlfriend and loves his family more then he loves himself. John wanted it to be that easy. But for one, he couldn't get rid of the heritage that came from his mother. And he for sure wasn't straight. Then there was the fact he near to never wore his cross and didn't particularly love attending mass. It wouldn't be that hard for him to get a girlfriend, honestly though. He just didn't want one. He wanted Francis.

5. John invited Francis over and they laid in the grass of John's estate, staring down up at the stars. Francis looked over at John, and smiled, then closed his eyes.

5 Things John thought when he looked down at Francis.

1. "I can't believe I thought he'd ever hurt me." John smiled to himself softly and ruffled Francis' hair, to which Francis looked up at him and beamed.

2. "I'm so lucky to have him." John settled back into holding Francis, and Francis shifted so his head could rest on John's chest.

3. "He's so handsome." John didn't move once Francis got comfortable, but he sure would've liked to.

4. "I really need to fuckin' sneeze. Don't sneeze, Don't sneeze, don't.."
The grass on John's estate was long and freshly watered by the people that worked for his father. It had always given John allergies, and seemingly always at the wrong moments.

5. "I don't feel wrong. This can't be wrong." At times, John really would forget his own internal homophobia, but it'd come back nearly whenever he was content with Francis. He couldn't help that. One, because it was what his dad had been telling him since day one. Two, ditto but replace father with the priest this time. Three, it wasn't like Francis was the kindest about it either, he called him a fag every five seconds. Jokingly? Maybe. Did John still hate it? Yes.

4 Things John Felt while holding Francis.

1. Nervousness.

2. Happiness.

3. Content.

4. Love. (Was it even love? What does love even feel like? Would John ever really feel it for someone? He decided he'd just pretend he was in love for the meantime. ..Fake it till you make it.)

3 Things that filled John's chest with anxiety.

1. When the door of his house opened and closed, and the sound of faint footsteps pattered in the distance. John heard the grass ruffled and shift and there was a sound of something opening and closing. He tightened his grip on Francis, holding his breath.

2. After a moment, it sounded like there was nothing there anymore, but then the steps quietly continued down the dirt pathway they had going through the estate and to the stables where they kept the horses.

3. By this point, John had begun to calm down. It wasn't like there was a horse thief coming out of his house. That just made no sense. He heard the door of the house open again and his dad call out, "James? Get back in here, it's cold out there!" John heard what he now knew to be his younger brother's footsteps quickly speed up and run to go inside. He was able to breathe again when the door closed. John settled back into Francis. Francis opened his eyes and looked up at John. He smiled, and leaned up, wrapping an arm around John and kissed him.

2 Things that were said while they laid there.

1. "I love you, Jack."

2. "I love you too, Frank."

1 Thing John's mother called out that made them get up.

1. "Boys, dinner!"