Word Count: 2020

Pairings: John Constantine x Reader

Warnings: angst, hurt, fluff, comfort

A/N: Request from nadiaelectra

Summary: You'd always had a strange relationship with John Constantine, not quite friends but not quite lovers. There was a tension when the two of you were together one you could quite place. It was like a dance, you took one step forward and he took two back. Your frustration and your confusion had begun to boil, and there was nothing left to do but confront it now.

..................................................................

You felt tired, exhausted from your long journey, and your shoulders ached from the heavy bag you had slung over them. You stared at the large house before you, looking at the heavy doors with slight disdain. You adjusted your bag on your shoulder and sighed, pushing the doors open. The sight of the mess surprised you and you looked around eyes landing on a woman sitting on a chair, she looked a little tipsy and you raised an eyebrow.

"Hi."

You responded in kind and her eyes shifted around the room.

"I can explain."

You gave her a tired smile waving your hand dismissively.

"Please, it's not my house, trash it all you'd like, he probably deserves it."

She smiled at that, jumping to her feet and approaching you with a bottle of whiskey.

"You know John?"

She offered you the bottle and you declined with a shake of your head.

"All too well. I'm Y/N."

She shook your hand with an intrigued look in her eyes.

"Charlie."

"Well Charlie, enjoy the house, I'm gonna head to my room for a bit, it's been awhile since I slept in my own bed."

"Oh you live here?"

You headed towards the stairs, a tired yawn escaping your lips.

"Not for a while I haven’t, I got sent away a few years ago, decided to travel, heard John was gone though, figured I'd stop in for a bit. I really would like to sleep now though..."

Charlie looked sheepish nodding as she moved out of your way.

"Right! Sorry, I'll stay out of your hair!"

You gave her a grateful smile before heading to your room. The room you hadn’t stepped foot in for nearly three years. Hell you hadn’t spoken to him, but a few times during those years alone. Just enough times to know he was alive, and just enough for him to know you hadn’t died.

Your bag hit the ground with a dull thud and you collapsed onto your bed, exhaustion finally catching up to you. All you wanted was a few hours of rest, just some decent sleep.

~

The sound of arguing drew you from your slumber and you struggled to open your eyes for a moment. You sat up, blinking as you glanced around the room in an effort to remember where you were. Once you came to your senses you dragged your tired body out of bed and walked towards the stairs.

"You found your way here, you can find your way out."

You watched John kick a box of pizza aside.

"Still pushing people away? Nice to see you haven’t changed." You uttered bitterly.

John froze, staring at where you stood at the top of the stairs. Gary and Charlie exchanged looks before wisely slinking out of the room. John watched you in disbelief as you descended the staircase.

"Y/N... I didn't know you were here love..."

You bent down, picking up a half empty bottle.

"You weren't supposed to, if I had known you'd show up, I would have found a hotel."

You took a large gulp from the bottle, before screwing the tap back on and tossing it to him.

"I'll be gone in a few days."

He watched you walk towards the kitchen and stood there for a moment, before following after you.

"You look good."

You slammed the fridge closed and turned to him with a cold expression.

"And you look like hell."

You shouldered past him, intentionally bumping into him on your way out. John sighed grabbing your arm before you got to far.

"Now hold on, why are you being so testy?"

You jerked your arm from his grasp, shoving him away from you.

"Testy? You were all I had John! My mother left me, she abandoned me alone with you and your horrible father. We grew up together! I was with you for years and you turned me away. I'm not testy John. I'm hurt."

His silence seemed to be response enough and you gave a bitter smile.

"I loved you, and do you know what you said? Do you remember what you told me when I told you that?"

You knew he did, as soon as you saw the regret in his eyes, the shame on his face.

"You told me you never wanted me in your life, that the only reason you looked out for me is because you had too, and if you'd had a choice, you never would have."

He had no words, nothing to say, although you really hadn't expected him to. You stepped back, casting your gaze away from him.

"Don't worry Johnny, I'll be out of your life again in a few days, and we can go back to pretending like we never knew each other."

John watched you leave the room, waiting until you were gone before sinking into a chair at the table. He sighed, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.

"Trouble in paradise?"

He cast a glance at Charlie who sat down beside him, and he leaned back in his chair.

"We used to be close."

Charlie tilted her head, raising an eyebrow.

"And you messed it up?"

John chuckled in a humorless sort of way.

"Course I did, it's what I'm good at."

Charlie looked at him expectantly and he rolled his eyes.

"Her mother was a white mage, no dabbling in the dark arts for her, smart thing she was. Y/N there followed in her footsteps, she's got quite the talent for the lighter side of magic."

"So she's the complete opposite of you then?" Charlie teased.

John frowned and little but nodded nonetheless.

"Aye, she's something else that's for sure."

John grew silent a far off look in his eyes, Charlie studied him closely for a moment, before a coy smile spread across her face.

"You like her!"

John sputtered a little, sitting up as incoherently protests tumbling out his mouth. Charlie laughed, hitting his shoulder lightly.

"You do! That's it isn’t it! You chased her off because you like her! Bit grade school isn't?"

John scowled at her.

"I chased her away because I was going to get her killed."

Charlie's laughter faded and she cleared her throat.

"How? You just said she was skilled yeah? Don't you trust her to take care of herself?"

John ran a hand through his hair, gathering his thoughts for a moment.

"You see, before I sent her off-"

"Drove her away." Charlie corrected with a smirk.

"Right. Before that, she was always there, always there to patch me up, heal me if I needed it, saved my hide a few times."

Charlie's eyebrows drew together in confusion.

"That's a bloody awful reason to turn someone away mate."

John said nothing, reaching into his pocket and grabbing a cigarette before he continued.

"She's got a scar, across her back, a nasty jagged thing, one not even her magic could heal."

He light his cigarette, taking a slow drag from it.

"She got it taking a blow intended for me, she lost so much blood, wouldn't wake up for days. And I just realized, she's always putting herself in danger for me, I'm always dragging her into something, it's not safe for her to be around me."

Charlie grabbed the cigarette from his mouth, putting it out in the ashtray, a disbelieving look on her face.

"She saved your life so you chased her away? Are you stupid?"

"I'm also quite a bit older than her." John added.

Charlie rolled her eyes.

"She's an adult John, a grown ass woman, let her decide that for herself. How about you tell it how it is? You're scared. You're scared you'll let yourself feel something and you'll lose her."

John slammed his hands on the table, standing to his feet.

"You're damn right I am! She's all I got in this damned world! I couldn't forgive myself if I lost her!"

Charlie calmly stood, grabbing the bottle of wine from the table.

"No worries there mate, you can't lose what you never had."

John stared after her as she left the room, a crushing feeling settling over him.

Had he really pushed you away before ever giving it a chance?

Did he drive you away when you were never his to begin with?

~

You set your lighter aside, placing your burning sage down to answer the repetitive knocking on your bedroom door.

"John."

You hated that a part of you was still happy to see John on the other side of your door.

"Can I come in love?"

You didn't move, just gave him a tired sigh.

"I'm in the middle of something John."

You motioned to the sage and burning candles behind you.

"Won't be but a minute." He smiled hopefully.

His shoulders sagged in relief when you stepped aside to let him in. You closed the door after him, crossing your arms as if protecting yourself.

"Your minute is ticking away."

"I'm sorry."

You blinked slowly, staring at him silently for a second.

"What?"

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

You eyed him suspiciously, John Constantine didn't apologize, at least not sincerely.

"Why are you-"

"I shouldn't have shut you out, I guess I just got scared."

You fought the smile tugging at your lips.

"John Constantine admitting he's scared? Sharing his feelings? Stop the presses." You joked.

"Terrified, actually."

The seriousness in his voice made you concerned and you walked closer to him.

"John are you alright? You're acting a little off."

John sighed, reaching for a cigarette, but you smacked it out his hand, with stern expression.

"I'm in the middle of a cleansing spell don't ruin the air with your cancer stick." You scolded.

He started laughing, watching you with a gleam in his eyes you couldn't quiet make out.

"Oh I missed you darling. It has been dull not having you around to keep me in one piece."

You perked up at that, unable to suppress the hope you suddenly felt.

"Really?"

He nodded and you found yourself smiling like an idiot, until you remembered what happened three years ago.

"But you kicked me out? Told me to stay away." You reminded him.

John flinched as if the words physically hurt him to hear.

"I know, and that was stupid, I was stupid, I didn't like how close I'd gotten to you, and then you got hurt and I-"

You grabbed his hand, frowning as you interjected.

"John, I saved you because I wanted to, I knew I'd get hurt, that wasn’t your fault." You reminded him.

"You get hurt a lot because of me..."

You gave him a small smile pulling him over to the bed so the two of you could sit.

"I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you John, I couldn't stand by and watch someone I love get hurt, not if there was something I could do."

His eyes searched yours and he licked his suddenly dry lips.

"You still love me?"

You nodded wordlessly. He jumped a little when you stood suddenly.

"But like I said, I'll be out of your hair in a bit and you won't need to worry about that." You mumbled.

He grabbed your wrist, looking venerable, another thing you weren’t used to.

"Maybe... you could stay for a bit? It's been a while since I've seen you, and I really miss having you around darling."

You hesitated and his grip tightened just a little.

"I never should have sent you off, I do need you, I'm just not good at expressing it."

You gave him a gentle smile, pulling your wrist from his grasp and sitting beside him once more.

"I know, and I'll stay, but don't expect me to forgive you immediately, you were a dick."

He chuckled wrapping an arm around you and pulling you closer, he kissed the top of your head, his hand lingered on the scar on your back.

"Course love, I'm willing to work for it, long as it means you'll stick around."

You settled into his embrace, the familiarity of it bringing you a comfort you'd nearly forgotten.

"I think I will, I've missed you too John."