Back at the Chrysalis, everything is abuzz with excitement. People are bustling around with purpose, but for once I'm not curious enough to care what they are doing, or why it seems as if hope is in the air.

Justus insists on having Flo examine me to make sure that the torture and malnourishment from my time at Strand didn't do any permanent damage. She confirms that physically I'm okay, and that my H2IV is dormant.

"Be careful what contact you have with her," Flo says to Justus. "You don't want to re-activate the virus in her system again."

She's telling us that we're back to where we were before the H2IV was active in my system. No kissing...or much of anything else. Some part of my brain knows this should devastate me, but it's hard to register anything other than a tidal wave of grief and guilt that overwhelms me.

Justus's hand squeezes mine, but I barely feel it. He takes me to an old conference room with a mattress on the floor.

"We need to talk," Justus says as I bury my head in a pillow that smells like him.

I'm too tired to move, much less unpack the pain that is consuming every corner of my mind. Justus pulls off my shoes, and I roll onto my side, letting a fog of exhaustion sedate me.

"Later..." I murmur.

Justus curls his body around mine, and for a moment I let myself feel his warmth and love. Then I remember that I don't deserve it.

"Leave me alone, Justus."

"That's not what you need right now."

If he stays, or says one more tender word, everything in me is going to go to pieces. "LEAVE! I don't want you here."

Justus tenses, and pulls away. He says something before he closes the door behind him, but I can't hear him from where I'm buried under the blankets.

For a long time, I don't come out of my nest other than to use the bathroom across the hall. People visit, but I refuse to open my eyes or acknowledge their presence.

Mom and Dad cry. Sun tries to update me on the reality show. Marie urges me to look through the research she's collected from Dr. Rodriguez's computer. Lozen yells at me and even goes so far to kick me in the ribs. Harriet holds my hand. And always, in the background, Justus hovers. He's given up trying to talk to me, but he forces me to eat and drink.

One morning I wake to the sound of my door opening. Someone sits next to me on my mattress, but I don't bother to look and see who it is.

"You lied," Mav says, his voice more sad than angry.

His words are the first ones that have really penetrated my fog since I left Strand.

"You said you'd come back to me, but you didn't. Not really."

The lethargy that has kept me from rejoining the world and facing my pain tugs at me. I want to slip back into the relief of nothingness. But whatever remaining shred of Joan that I have left knows that it's important not to ignore Mav like I have everyone else.

I roll over and crack my eyes open enough to see the boy sitting beside me. His eyes are exactly as I remember—too old in his young face.

"I remember when I lost mom. Dad had her locked away, but he told me she left us because I had been such a terrible son. I believed him. It hurt me, but on the inside. So much that I thought I would die. I didn't want to leave my room, either. Is that how you feel since you lost Addie?"

I give him a tiny nod. My eyes prickle and the feelings living underneath the blanket of exhaustion start to rise. I want to push them away, and push this boy out of my room, but I don't.

"But you know what I know now? Dad lied. Mom didn't leave me. Bad people took her away, but she loved me the whole time. Don't you think the same thing is true for you? That Addie loves you, even if bad people took her away?"

"But she's not just locked away somewhere. She's dead," I half rasp, half whisper.

Mav nods, and his own eyes fill with tears. "That doesn't mean her love for you is dead. I think that's why I finally left my room. Even if I didn't know it, my mom was out there, loving me. And there's a lot of people out there, loving you, Joan. Including Addie, wherever she is. And including me."

Mav's words break through the dam holding back the pain, and I cry. Harriet sits next to Mav on the bed, and she lays next to me and grips me in a tight hug. My tears turn to sobs, and someone—Justus?—leads Mav out of the room.

I'm glad that Mav doesn't see what comes next. Ugly, painful noises erupt from my throat as I try to absorb the enormity of the fact that Addie died, but I'm alive. And now I have to go on living without her.

Eventually, my body is limp and empty from the outpouring of grief and rage. I'm grateful that only Harriet was here to see me like this. This vulnerable part of me is too raw to share with anyone else.

"I was starting to worry that we really lost you this time," Harriet admits.

"I never should have stepped back into the fight. If I'd kept my head down and stayed in the clinic, I'd still be helping people and Addie would be alive."

"Addie would have gone undercover in Strand no matter what you decided. And she knew that being there put her in danger."

"She would have made it out if it weren't for me!"

"You didn't kill her, Joan. You loved her. And, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have left behind someone I loved, either. Not after what you saw that Strand was capable of doing to its captives."

I push myself up so that I can look Harriet in the eye. "You would have been smart enough to know that Addie had a way out."

"What if you had left without Addie, Joan? And what if she still didn't make it out? Would you ever have forgiven yourself if you hadn't even tried to save her?"

Harriet's words shake me, because they're true. Addie might have come face to face with Dr. Avery even if I was gone.

"Maybe you want to believe this is your fault because it means that you have some control of the terrible things that happen to you. But you don't. People are unpredictable, and you can't take the credit or the blame for the choices they make. All you can do is deal with the aftermath, and keep on going."

"That sounds like a lot of work."

"It is. But you don't have to do it alone."

"There's something else."

Harriet nods. "I saw the man you killed."

"It wasn't self-defense, or an accident. I mean, he probably would have tried to hurt me. But even if he couldn't have, I would have killed him anyway. I did it out of rage, not necessity."

Harriet leans closer to me. "Good."

My breath catches in my throat. "But Harriet...I'm a murderer. A monster."

"You're human. He tortured you and killed the person you love most in the entire world. Grieve for Addie for as long as you need, but don't waste another minute feeling guilty about ending his life. Promise?"

"I'll try."

"That's all I can ask."

***

My return to the world of the living starts with a shower. Harriet insists that the fact that I am capable of being embarrassed that Justus has had to smell me, unshowered, for a week and half, is a good sign. Feeling something is better than the emptiness I've been drowning in.

Justus is waiting for me when I return to my cave, dressed in fresh clothes. He immediately crushes me in a hug.

"I'm sorry," he whispers into my hair. "For a million things."

I shake my head, not able to meet his eyes. "Don't be sorry. You were right. I never should have gone to Strand."

Justus tips my chin up so I'm forced to meet his gaze. "No, Joan. I was wrong. The information that you managed to get while you were there is changing everything."

"What do you mean?"

"You need to come with me."

Justus tugs me out of our room and takes me to the cafeteria, which is now doubling as what looks like command central. There is so much activity that I can't take it all in.

Justus points to a table in the corner where his dad and my parents are talking with several Throwbacks of the Sofia clone type and taking notes on tablets. "My dad's leading the team working the legal case against Strand. The data on Dr. Rodriguez's laptop turned out to be a goldmine. It doesn't just implicate him and Dr. Avery. Vids of board meetings were on there, with proof that those executives knew that they were green lighting projects that were against the law."

I manage a half-hearted smile. In spite of our success in legalizing the Annex, I'm skeptical about the justice system actually prosecuting rich Strand board members for crimes against Throwbacks.

If Justus notices my lukewarm response, he doesn't comment on it. Instead, he leads me toward the center of the cafeteria, where Sun is surrounded by large touch screens covered in messy script. "The footage from your contact cameras is a game-changer, too. Sun and Wilde are plotting out the series finale for the show. The world will see what Strand is doing behind closed doors."

Before I can reply, he points to Marie, who is talking with Jo and Leo. "I saved the best for last. Marie has successfully replicated the serum that puts H2IV back in its dormant state. She found it in an email Dr. Rodriguez sent to Lexi. Jo and Leo are helping her figure out how to get the serum manufactured and distributed quickly. Strand won't be making money by selling the H2IV antidote for much longer."

Something stirs inside me. Curiosity and hope, immediately followed by guilt. If only Addie could see everything that is resulting from all our work.

"I don't show you any of this to imply that it can make up for what you've lost. But I wanted you to see that all of our work and everything you went through—it wasn't for nothing."