Warnings: Violence, a lot of swearing, sexual references.

Word Count: 1366 words.

It's a warnings cocktail, the product of listening to the soundtrack when you've got no homework.

Sorry for the overuse of dialogue, but I loved writing it so much.

~

Slamming your foot down on the accelerator, you launched your car across the highway and into the air. Adrenaline coursed through your veins as you prepared to land. Crashing through the side of the bridge, the bonnet rammed into Ajax. His limp body flew across the road like a rag doll, colliding into the barricade with a crack.

"Shove a chimichanga up my ass," Wade shouted. "you've got to be screwing me!"

Fuming, you flung the car door with a kick, grabbing your both guns from your pockets and aiming them at the mercenary's head. You turned off the safety, stare fixed on the white eyes of his suit, which were wide with surprise. Gritting your teeth, you blew a strand of hair from your face.

To say you didn't get along with the leather-clad smart mouth was a gross understatement.

"Hey there sweetheart. Long time no see." Wade began, cheekily popping his knee and putting his hands on his hips.

"Sweetheart?!" You exclaimed, striding towards him. Jumping back, Wade squealed. "You good-for-nothing, prune-faced, dick-fondling, fuckstick!"

"Please don't probe me with those." Wade said quickly, pointing daintily at the guns.

"I'm gonna do a whole lot more than probe you." You said darkly.

Feminine laughter emerged from behind you. Eyes wandering to your right, you turned to face two x-men goons. One, far younger, was sitting on the bonnet of another car, dressed in all black. Her face was scrunched in delight. "What exactly did he do that makes you want to probe him?" She asked, intrigued.

"Well," you began, a sarcastic smile on your face. "this wrinkly motherfucker could definitely run for presidency of the 'Dickholes That Give People Abandonment Issues' club."

Shaking his head, Wade scoffed.

"Don't give me that shit." You warned. "You left me for dead in that total luxury suite Ajax had set up."

Both Colossus and the girl turned to look at Wade in disappointment.

"I thought she was dead! Last time I checked, people don't survive when the building they're trapped in is crispier than Anakin Skywalker at the end of Revenge of the Sith!"

"Surprise bitch!" You hollered. "I'm still alive, and I'm going to blow your brains out and paint a pretty little picture with them on the concrete!"

Squeezing your finger, you pulled the trigger. A bullet hole appeared between Wade's masked eyes, and chunks of his brain and blood splattered out behind him. He fell to the ground, and you let out a satisfied cheer. Flailing your arms about and swinging your hips, you danced and flipped off his corpse. Colossus gaped, throwing his hands up in the air. "You two are just as bad as each other." He said, exasperated.

You turned to him, eyebrow raised and a smirk on your face. "Is that a challenge, tin man?"

The girl laughed again.

"Thanks buzzcut. You got some white tape?" You asked. "I feel like immortalising this moment with an outline before Krueger wakes up."

She shook her head, hopping off of the bonnet. A groan sounded from beside your car as Ajax stirred. His legs were completely crushed, and blood dripped from a gash on his forearm.

"Hold these," you ordered, handing the teen your guns. Collecting a dagger from your ankle, you handed her that too. Then your pistol, three grenades, matches, gum, an empty packet of Cheetos and a large machine gun strapped to your belt. You took a swig from the miniature of vodka in your pocket before throwing it on the ground with a satisfying smash. Unimpressed, the girl palmed your gear off to Colossus, who looked horrified.

Kneeling down, you looked Ajax in the eyes.

"Hey there buddy. Long time no see." You said, voice oozing with false sweetness.

"What in the fuck are you two doing here?" Ajax asked. "Shouldn't you be ash?"

You rolled your eyes. "Don't you boys have anything original to say? Neither of you even noticed my haircut."

He scowled, spitting blood all over your face. Blood stained your clothes, and you grit your teeth.

"Cocksucker!" You yelled, backhanding him. "This just got dry cleaned! Didn't you see me unload all my shit so I didn't beat you bloody?"

"Fuck... you."

You smirked. "You wish."

Standing and lining your foot up with his crotch, you gave him a hard kick to the balls. Ajax cursed loudly. You looked towards the girl, holding up a finger before turning around again and grabbing his head and smashing it against your knee. A crunch sounded, and you grabbed a golf club from the backseat of your car.

"Miss, you should not do this." Colossus pleaded. You ignored him, glaring at Ajax with a burning hatred in your eyes. "It is not the right thing to do."

You looked to him in disgust. "Who gives a fuck?"

You prepared to swing.

"Wait..." You heard. "The author can't end the chapter here. She needs people to keep reading. If you kill him now, it'll be over too quickly."

Looking behind you with wide eyes, you saw Wade stand up, a bullet hole in his suit and his head whole. You dropped your gulf club.

"I should not have had that drink." You mumbled, glancing at the broken glass.

"You look oddly confused for someone who knows I can't die." He said. As your brows furrowed, he gaped, offended. "You didn't know I could heal, did you? You meant to kill me!"

"What? No. Of course not." You said unconvincingly.

"Lying plagues the psyche." Colossus piped in.

"Shut your cake hole." You warned.

Wade put his hands on his knees, eyeing off Ajax, who looked like he was ready to pass out from the pain. You tapped him on the cheek a few times.

"I think we should let him suffer a little more." Wade deadpanned. "Care to give me an unnecessary origin story?"

You nodded, sitting down on the road of the highway. Patting the space beside you,  you gestured for Wade to sit. He plopped onto the ground, legs stretched out. Buzzcut also sat, while Colossus crossed his arms in protest.

"You know what happened leading up to the fire. I was recruited, same as you, and we were next door to each other in Ajax's little mutant lab. He kept trying to force my cells mutate, but nothing worked. That was, until the fire you started."

Wade nodded in understanding.

"He had never tried fire before, and it was exactly what he needed. At first, when it touched me, it burned. It was agony, and I could feel it all over my body. Then, slowly, the pain started to ebb away. And as the fire settled and the building was turned to ash, I woke to find my skin unburnt. Later on I had an incident at a bonfire and I released fire couldn't hurt me anymore. That, and lizards have a weird thing for me. It's actually really fucking creepy."

For a moment, nobody spoke. Then, Wade laughed obnoxiously loud, holding his stomach. Tears streamed down his face, and he lifted his mask to wipe them away.

"You're like discount Daenerys." He said between fits of laughter. "Lizards... have a thing for you. Holy fucking shit."

You punched him in the arm. "At least I don't look like a literal asshole."

Wade laughed anyway, and you couldn't help but laugh with him. You couldn't find it in yourself to be mad at him anymore.

"Alright then bud. Let's kill this mothershitter." You said, picking up your gulf club.

Wade smiled, grabbing one of his katanas. "You might not want to look, balls of steel."

Colossus began to protest, but was cut off by the sound of metal on bone. He wretched, walking away. Calling for the girl, they both let you and Wade alone to hack at Ajax as much as you pleased.

"Nothing makes me hornier than watching my British torturer get butchered by an ex-roomie."