Lost in thought, you looked out of the open door into the garden. The day seemed to be getting darker and darker. Wind chased through the plants, tugging at flowers and leaves and making the trees sing.

"Are you even listening to me?", Yuriko nudged you lightly.

Torn from your thoughts, you blinked. Your gaze fell into your lap, where she had filled a wicker basket with herbs. She looked at you, frowning.

"You're completely beside yourself.", she crossed her arms in front of her chest. "I can't teach you anything like this."

"Huh...", still not quite back to reality, you took a bundle of herbs between your fingers to look at it from all sides. "Tanaka takes so long..."

Her eyes wandered to the door as they had done so many times before. The longing was written all over her face. She was worried about her husband, who had left the safety of the house to fetch weapons he couldn't handle.

In response to your question, Yuriko had only grinned amusedly and said he could never be a samurai, even if he had been born noble.

"He'll be fine.", she whispered and smiled.

It was visibly difficult for her to keep believing. Tanaka had left before Jin had even woken up. If you had to guess, you'd say it had been three hours.

Maybe longer.

At the thought, your gaze wandered over your shoulder to the door behind which the samurai lay. It would be good to check his wounds again, to change the bandages. Otherwise it was hard to tell how he would react.

"You're worried about him.", Yuriko leaned her head against the doorframe and looked out into the garden. "Do you think he's handsome?"

Something jumped in your chest. Heat made your cheeks glow.

To take your mind off it, you looked at the herbs in the basket. A thin smile appeared on her lips.

"Have you ever seen men other than the Mongols?", she asked with a meaningful undertone.

Your lips curled.

"For every Mongol there were at least three slaves.", you smelled a bunch of herbs. "One of them usually was a man."

"Hmm. Then you, as a woman, are the rule rather than the exception."

You nodded.

"They had... more use for women..."

She frowned in disgust. All you said in response was a slight shake of your head. Her thoughts weren't wrong, even if you wished they had been.

Silence spread between you, disturbed only now and then by the sound of the wind.

"And?", she finally asked.

You raised your eyes.

"If you want to know something, just ask.", you replied. "I have nothing to hide."

Chuckling quietly to herself, she looked out into the garden again.

"You're not afraid of judgement, are you?", she asked after a while.

Your answer was a shrug of the shoulders.

"Why should I?"

Her eyes lowered. A sigh constricted her throat but she didn't let it be heard.

"Tanaka is my second husband.", her words were calm and carefully chosen. "He's younger than me too."

You looked at her, frowning, but said nothing. Even a blind person would have seen how difficult it was for her to talk about her life.

As if she was deeply ashamed of it. Or as if she had been taught it was a shame to keep quiet about.

"I had a husband before him... well, we weren't married. He was my first love.", her eyes fell on you to see how you reacted. "I got pregnant by him... like a stupid little..."

"Like a young girl who was in love and didn't know any better.", you cut her off with a smile. "I used to love someone..."

Something in your chest pulled together. It was a different kind of pain, a forgotten one. One that you had wished to forget for good.

She smiled, tired but also relieved that there was finally someone who just listened.

"He left me and married a woman from a better house.", she continued the story. "Tanaka married me as a mother. As used."

Your eyes wandered thoughtfully around the house. It was small and there was very little space. Apart from their bedroom, there was only the pantry and the common room.

None of these places would have been a good place for a child to sleep. She noticed the expression on your face and smiled gently.

"He didn't survive the first winter.", she said quietly.

Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes.

"I'm sorry about that."

She shook her head.

"I lost my child many years ago. And it will always hurt. But... that's what I got Tanaka for. And I would never give him up again."

You snorted.

"What a lovely thought...", you whispered. "I wish I could banish him for good."

Lost in thought, you ran your fingers over the delicate leaves of the herbs. Gentle odours mingled. Sage, mint and something you didn't recognise. Dirt stuck to a pale yellow root.

"You don't talk much.", Yuriko grabbed your hand to hold it still. "Who was he?"

You paused, petrified. Memories flooded your head. Shame drowned you.

How could you have been so stupid back then?

"He was older.", you couldn't look at them. "Much older. I think he said he came from a city in the same country as me. We spoke the same language."

"Was that something special?"

"Yes. I don't know exactly... most of my people had fled a few months earlier... they disappeared in the night. My mother had lost me. Since then, our people have rarely been seen on the Mongol ships."

"And him?"

You shook your head.

"The memories are blurred. He... had stayed or hadn't made it either. I...", you had to close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. "He used me to escape. He said we would look for my mother... But when the Mongols discovered us, he left me behind. I... my body still bears scars from the torture but I couldn't tell them where he went. That was... a long time ago."