After I graduated, I met heartbreaks. 

My so-called friends who made such promises to me—promises that will make you cry a river and look at your friend like she or he's your moon, but in the end, it was all a bluff—betrayed me. 

Not once but many times. I have lost count of it, honestly because I didn't learn from my mistakes and kept trusting them. I just remember the evening when I received another blow on my guts because another ‘friend’ of mine just broke my heart and trust and I learnt that evening what Solomon meant when he said, [Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Pro. 3:5-6, KJV]. 

As long as I had friends, I was delusional that they would be faithful to me like I have been faithful to them. 

I don't lie. My God knows how, with a selfless heart, I helped them with everything that was possible for me but all I received in return was my trust broken. I was tossed aside like a tissue paper by them. 

Terrible feeling, I'm telling you.

One day in school as I came back, my friend looked at me and said, “You're selfish.” 

I paused and wondered if she meant it. I asked, “How do you say that?” Poor Hina felt bad; it hurt her but did her friend know? No, she didn't. 

She shrugged. “I don't know. But you are.” And I kept asking her how I was selfish to her. I tried to give as much as it was possible for me and I yearned for care and loyalty which I couldn't receive and what I received were accusations. It ruined my mind. 

I don't write this to blame my friends. I don't even remember their faces perfectly now. I've forgiven them for everything they did to me. But I write this to make those people know who believe and think that friendship will save them. 

Not at all, dear. Not. At. All. 

Such people literally exist!—I didn't believe it until I met them. Like… you do everything for them and they don't even stand on their legs for you. 

I still remember the day I was sick and bleeding and my friend had no pity on me. Rather, when I asked for her help, she made an annoyed face. I received no mercy but backbites. 

Wow! Can't believe I was this blind to not see and believe that my friends were toxic to me. 

Every time my teachers told me to stay away from my friends. They warned me but I didn't listen to them. I thought maybe they don't understand my friends but I do. No, no. I was highly mistaken when I thought I knew my friends. Those teachers also came to tell me what God wanted to say to me to save me but I believed it not. I believed my friends more and received betrayals. 

But soon, God intervened. 

As soon as another intersection in my life came, my friends first left me after showing their true color. Then I was all alone and hurt badly. When I remember those days, I wonder how am I alive today, because the intensity of hurt and the depth of that betrayal and the depression following behind could make me commit suicide. 

All thanks to God that He gave me the strength to live no matter what. Those days of depression choked me and I just wanted to escape that all but how could it be possible when I kept thinking that, maybe, this was my life and I was going to remain this way. 

I told you already, I guess, I overdosed on my medicines, saw strange things in my dream, found my face to be tear-stricken when I woke up, and every night I felt terrible horror surrounding me. But the day I met Jesus, that encounter was as if everything to me.

You know, after they all left, it was the first time I heard God all clear and loud in my ears. 

No doubt I was in trouble, kilometers away from my house. I was so distressed that I was on the verge of breaking down in the middle of a road. I was abandoned and not a single person answered my calls. I was betrayed, too. I kept patting my chest, telling my heart to calm down while my own voice was breaking as I said, “It's okay. They are good people.” 

At the time, all the promises that they made to me were coming to my mind. I'm telling you, I could die there because I was really tired. I didn't know what to do and as I walked, I knew only one person could help but I was wondering if He would even come when I've sinned so grievously and disobeyed Him so shamelessly. 

But… He came.

On my side, and I felt a divine presence that made me wonder if I was dreaming or what. And then came a voice in my ear, loud and all clear, “Fear not, for I am with you.”

It was so, so real that I looked on my side to find the source of the voice. There was nobody but I felt, oh, yes, I felt the Son of God walk right beside me and hold my arm and lead me. He led me!

That realization—my heart!—that realization was enough to make my sight go blur as tears formed in my eyes and my heart shook tremendously. Someone was near, my mind told me and of course, I knew it. So real. So real. 

I left Him and He came for me. When all, I must repeat, when all abandoned me, He forwarded His helping hand!

I didn't have to wait for my calls to be answered then. He led me ahead and my eyes opened. I saw the way and thanked Him. What an amazing experience it was! 

This story is so like Hagar's, right? 

He told me about it. Just like Hagar saw Him and learned that she wasn't alone and surely she wasn't abandoned with her baby, so the way I learned that I wasn't alone. Never. I was never alone actually. Every time, His eyes were on me. Rather, He wanted a moment to open my eyes, and He did! 

I haven't explained what troubled me actually but to let my readers know that maybe you too are stuck somewhere and you don't know any way out. Maybe you can't see it just like Hagar couldn't see the water unless her eyes were opened but I'm telling you, don't think you're alone, and may God open your eyes, too. 

The God who sees, Adonai El-Roi, is with you and His eyes are on you, [She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Gen. 16:13, NIV]. He sees everything. He counts on every tear, [Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? Psalm 56:8, KJV]. 

Now when I think about all that happened to me, I think it was all well. My situations and my conditions only humbled me and paved my way to my God. 

My Lord, my God. I can't stop thanking Him enough actually. I went home thanking Him and wrote this moment down so that I'll never forget. It was my habit that I'd share the things publicly, and to my readers, too. I did not care then what they might be thinking about me. It never bothered me. Rather, being called crazy for Jesus has its own kind of joy. 

But one more thing I also noticed from that day that I could not complete my ongoing book after that. Something changed. 

At that time, I was re-writing my first book ever and I'm telling you, it was very sinful. Everything that God despised, I wrote that in.

Before that, I used to write without any remorse but after this incident happened, I found myself struggling. I was restless. For the first time in my life, it was taking me more than two weeks to complete just one chapter. The ideas were there in my head but I could not come up to write them down. It was different.

Not that alone, but also, every night, I was troubled deep within that I could not sleep. Or if I sleep, I'd find myself waking up crying. I knew something was wrong with me. 

One day it happened, that as I went through the previous chapters of my book, thinking that it might encourage me to write, I saw how demonic that book was and how enjoyingly my readers were reading it. But some critics let me know that the passion they found in my previous version was more than this one and I won't lie, I was cut to the heart. 

Not that I was sunk into the sweetness of compliments that criticism would kill me, but she said there was something missing. She meant to say I wasn't as full of passion as I used to be! So, it was really hurting and I worked harder on the latest chapter but as I was writing it, some thoughts came to my mind and I asked myself, “What are you doing, Hina? Glorifying what you always hated?”

Now, if I reveal further about my book, it was full of violence. The mind of a sinner was glorified in that book when the main lead sought to shed blood and chase after lust. It was horrible. What I wrote was abuse, lust, immorality, bloodshed, insanity, and a man who was a sadist. I didn't know but I was glorifying the demon that whispered into my ears and took advantage of me!

Let me tell you what happened after that but I want to make this thing clear; Wake up!

Readers of such books, wake up! If you're one of them, please stop this madness and ask Jesus to help you come out of it. 

Books glorifying rape, abuse and violence are demonic. All these writers have written these things under the influence of a demon! They would never accept this thing because they think they are liberal. Writers write about toxic sex—let me be straight to the point—BDSM is written openly in books, and characters are morally gray, and they do sexually immoral things and finally, the writers justify themselves, saying, “We are open-minded!”Ah, then why are you greatly depressed?

Sex is a gift, we all know. Given by God to us, when He said, And the man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24, KJV. But Satan has perverted this thing, too! The gentle loving-making where souls intertwine, has Satan changed into something wild, aggressive, insane, and appalling that seems like two dogs are forcing themselves into each other!

I know it sounds hard but… that's the truth! And people would say, “O, you're narrow-minded!”

The Bible says right when it says, Speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron. 1 Timothy 4:2, KJV.

Don't pay heed to them. They themselves know it's horrible. They are blind. What they write is demonic! They know what they're doing is wrong. Their conscious mind condemns them well after they're done. 

No satisfaction such people receive after whipping each other, shaming each other, making the submissive bark or beg for a release, giving them countless bruises, thinking that they look good and beautiful on them but they don't know they have just defiled their partner in the worst way possible. How? By making them react like a dog on their mercy! 

The first time I read such a book, I was appalled. My sanity was working at that time, that's why I reacted this way. I dropped the book and put my hand on my chest, finding it beat crazily and I felt bad deep within. I was wondering if it was right. 

But as my mind began feeding on such books, I began finding them good. Why this change? Because this mystery of iniquity was taking roots in me. This began shutting off my conscious mind and I even started writing such filthy things. My mind was corrupted and I tell you honestly, what now people call ‘eww’ was my thing of praise and interest.

Never knew books could work this mightily! But they do. That's why I say, choose wisely. Don't read anything. We don't have to feed our fantasies which are the lies of the devil whispered into our ears but listen to the Holy Spirit and do what He says, not what your body says.

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. Romans 12:1, KJV. 

If you talk to such people, they will call you old. But, dude, what are you?—a men-pleaser?

I'm glad God helped me react never this way! “For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10, KJV. And the same thing I tell you, do not let the world put you in pressure! I literally consider myself weak and pathetic if I come under peer-pressure and do what so-called ‘others are doing’!

But that doesn't mean you also can be like a horse without a rein! Psalm 32:9, KJV: Be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding: whose mouth must be held in with bit and bridle, lest they come near unto thee. What are ‘lest they come near unto thee’? Trouble, wicked people, sin that chases after madly, and ultimately, the powers of the dark world. 

But if you really want to please someone, may it be God in your life. Yes, please! I encourage you to make it your goal to please God alone, [So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. 2 Corinthians 5:9, ESV.] and see how men will come in order to please you and win your favor! 

Still, not with this motive but just like an innocent child who is excited to please his father! You, too, do this way. I'm sure, you will win His heart. 

God is good. He won't ask you to cut your skin or bleed for Him like what heathens do. God is good, I must repeat. He is a lovely Father. It is not His will to hurt you, “Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.” Matthew 18:14, KJV. Rather, He is so loving that words aren't enough to define how good, caring, and loving He is to us. 

See, in the verses:

Hosea 11:3-4, KJV:
“I taught Ephraim also to go, taking them by their arms; but they knew not that I healed them.

I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love: and I was to them as they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them.”

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16, KJV.

Isaiah 49:16, (NIV): “See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.”

Psalm 139:13-14, (NIV): “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Now as God the Father has left no stone unturned to make us see how amazingly and deeply He has loved us, why can't we then at least live like a child and desire earnestly to please Him by obeying Him?

You know no deed of our can make us righteous because we are already redeemed by the blood of Jesus [in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Col. 1:14, NIV]. We are made righteous by believing in God [and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. Philippines 3:9, NIV]. Yes.

But what I mean to say is that, notice a child. A child is excited to make his parents proud and he works hard, no wonder, just to see his parents smile! The same way parents work. This kind of love, I'm talking about! Give selflessly to Him, because He is already selfless with you. Move for the sake of His smile, would you? Be like a child [Mat. 18:3].

I think I've targeted a lot of things in this chapter. Now, may the Lord of divine wisdom, knowledge, and understanding help you understand everything you've read in this chapter.