I was a scared child. I wasn't allowed to go out and play with my neighboring kids, so I stayed home and saw them from the balcony. I used to be excited to play with them but always ended up being pissed off because my mother wouldn't let me go. I hated that. It was another reason I used to blame my parents for my scared nature.

In school, I had friends but still, I was lonely. I can't explain this feeling. I was someone who thought countless words and said only one. My nature was silent and I was easily scared. I was drawn to people who treated me gently and I was scared of being touched. Though I craved hugs, I never wanted anyone to touch me. I wish I wasn't this scared, because later, it only increased. 

Receiving compliments was a good feeling but I couldn't expect gentleness from everyone. Especially my neighbors. How can I come to define that feeling? It was once when I was out with my grandmother. I got this chance to play with others and there was a drunk old man who first tried to grab me and when I resisted, he glared at me and hit me. It was an ugly feeling. Thanks to Jesus that He's healed me. 

I've been a writer for four complete years and I'm adept at describing everything with such fineness that God alone could teach me. But here, my hands weaken. Not for once, but there were more incidents in my life where I was harassed and abused. I ran into men who intimidated me and made me realize that men aren't really nice. I was once taken advantage of by a doctor. My uncle was a drunkard, and he also showed me and my sisters his anger. I'm glad it didn't cause much damage but I was scared and wanted to leave the house. 

I ran upstairs because there was nobody there at that time, and I could cry alone. I also prayed to God to give us a house somewhere else because I didn't want to live anymore where my uncle lived. 

Fear clawed at my senses and I bore the pain and the marks of them till I met Jesus. I stayed away from men and wouldn't even look at them because for me, every man was the same; scary. It was the reason I didn't like to go out anymore. I didn't tell these things to my parents, nor would I like to tell them. I had no desire to let them know. Nobody knows what I went through, except Jesus alone because He's been the only person with whom I share everything. 

Talking with Jesus has a different kind of solace I can't come to explain. He knows everything yet I wait for midnight to fall because at that time, I run to Him and share everything with Him. I like this feeling. Even He waits for me there. He likes what I tell Him. He is the only person who listens to me with interest. But this is not the only reason I tell Him everything. Not only happiness and peace but also a lovely kind of joy and crave I feel towards Him that makes me feel like, "What else is there besides You, Lord? Everything fades before You. Nothing compares to You."

THE HOLY SPIRIT

When I was born again, I only knew about Jesus and the Father. I didn't know anything about the Holy Spirit. However, I got to know about Him and I learned that He lives inside me and we can be friends. It's a really beautiful gift by God the Father. 

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. — John 14:26, KJV. You receive this beautiful gift of the Holy Spirit right when you believe in Jesus and accept Him as your Lord and your Savior. 

Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. — Acts 2:38, KJV.

The fact that we could be friends made me grin just wide. I was back home and I asked the Holy Spirit to become my friend. 

I knew I had to come in a relationship with Him and treat Him as I'd treat my friends. Though I couldn't see Him, I knew I had to believe that He was there and was listening to me. It was a beautiful feeling.

Though many people are aware of this Trinity and know that the Holy Spirit comes to dwell with them once they believe in Jesus, they don't really acknowledge Him the way we should acknowledge a person we can see. 

I'll tell you, the Holy Spirit is real. Even more real than the person you can see with your physical eyes. He exists and is right inside you, above you, beside you. You can't escape Him, you know that, right? The Lord is omnipresent. 

When I decided to make Him my friend, I was serious because I was alone. I, from the bottom of my heart, needed a friend, though I also asked God not to give me friends or let them come too close to me. My motive was to make God my friend because I could trust Him. 

I invited Him into my life and He gave me a deep understanding of His presence around me. I got so conscious of His presence that I'd feel ashamed while using my phone or scrolling through my Instagram feed because I knew He was right beside me. I quickly shut it off and soon, as I started spending time with Him, I forgot the fleeting pleasure of social media and other worldly things. He satisfies my soul, which nothing else could do. 

And how was it possible for me to become conscious of His presence? It's because I started spending time with Him, and the more I spent time with Him, the more I was drawn closer to Him. His presence is worth everything. 

And how did I spend my time with Him? By prayer and the Bible.

Now even when I talk to Him, I need to keep in mind that I'm alone in the world's perspective because people think I'm crazy that I'm talking to myself. I admit they can't see Him but I know He sits right in front of me when we sit together in my prayer time. When I'm going somewhere, I know He walks beside me.

But it's just the beginning!

I always wanted a true friend who would understand me, because in those years — when I was five years old till I came to be eighteen — I got nobody who could understand me. Expecting a person to understand me was a far fetched thought, I couldn't even find someone who was ready to listen to me. To all, maybe I was either a liar or a parrot.

They wanted to hear from me what they liked, not what I wanted to say. My feelings stayed buried in me. They didn't even believe me in many things, or else, they would want me as their personal therapist. 

There was one person to whom I shared about what happened to me when I was a kid, and he, too, didn't believe me. Also, a moment came when a guy accused me wrongly and my friends believed him though I was innocent and he was only a social media friend of theirs. Honestly, it was hurtful to realize that they didn't even know me enough to take my side. For them, maybe I was really characterless as the boy said of me. Fine, I also stopped talking openly and never shared my feelings to anyone after that. 

It sounds funny and feels mortifying to know they didn't even care about it.

You will meet such people and question humanity but I think, now it's a trend. I don't even blame them because I, too, wasn't a saint. 

That's why, even after being surrounded by so many people, loneliness stayed inside me. I never felt loved by anyone. I was only a helpful creature. I helped, so I was good. I was silent, so I was arrogant — that's what people would think about someone like me. 

But when the Holy Spirit came to be my friend, I say honestly, I never felt loneliness. 

It didn't happen right after I asked Him to be my friend. It took time. Maybe about a month, but I learnt well. I'm still learning though. It's only about the transformation of your mind. The quicker you believe and start acting upon your faith, the quicker you see the results.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. — Romans 12:2, KJV.

See what Paul says here. We need to be transformed in our character by the renewing of our mind. The game is of the mind. We know everything but it comes hard to believe which we must do. And don't worry about how you do it. Just ask God and He will help you.

I knew that He was more excited to become my friend than I even needed Him. And, oh! He literally became my friend!

Though I've been with Him, I never heard Him talking about Himself. No, He always points to Jesus.

Of course, it is Jesus' Spirit, and I always felt as if Jesus Himself walks with me, talks to me, smiles at me, and tells me the great revelations given by the Father. It's amazing to see how humble the Holy Spirit is, that He never boasts about Himself but it's always Jesus. 

"But when the Comforter comes, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me," — John 15:26, KJV. 

"He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you," — John 16:14, KJV.  

The concept of Trinity is a different teaching, and I'm talking about His love, so I don't want to drag other topics, too. However, it'll be cleared to you as you read upcoming chapters, and complete this book.

I also want my readers to know that indeed, the Holy Spirit is more excited than you to be your friend! He just wants an invitation. 

My story, that I've written above, is not to gain sympathy. Of course, why would I need sympathy when I have Jesus now? I have found the treasure! It's an amazing feeling, I must repeat that. But my goal is to touch the hearts of those people who lived a life like me. Maybe they even had to go through more than this! Who knows? It's only Jesus.

Trust me, Jesus loves you. 

Things that you couldn't say, Jesus knows. What you have gone through, only Jesus knows. He knows you. Jesus is all-knowing, and He sees everything, but we don't invite Him and try to seek love and comfort where they aren't available. 

You can find love in Jesus only. He can comfort you. In His presence, there is joy. I don't remember a single time I went to Jesus when I was sad and returned when I wasn't happy. Whenever I sit with Him, I find relief. He charges me up. I learn once again, daily, that He loves me. He always tells me that He loves me, because He knows I've shed tears to feel loved.

I won't say that everything around me changed after believing in Jesus. No! First, the change came from inside.

My parents are still the same, but now, I'm happy. I have peace. I still remember the days when I used to cry bitterly and look up and beg for peace. Those days were painful, but what I have received now is bigger than what I went through. I can't compare this feeling with anything. It's supernatural. 

I've never been this happy!

LOVE ABOVE EVERYTHING

The presence of the Holy Spirit taught me one thing that for God, everything is possible, yet He starts the work from you. 

First, He had to change me. 

I used to complain in my heart about people's nature. Nobody is perfect unless they want to be, with the help of the Holy Spirit. Sadly, the world is selfish. I went out and I saw people don't follow rules. Deep inside, I used to grumble. I wasn't perfect myself but I didn't like to be treated harshly either.

O yeah, you can say I was really dramatic and a crybaby. Well, I don't care about it. Jesus came and changed me. 

I learned through the sermons that the fruits of the Holy Spirit are necessary to carry, not the anointing. Anointing comes for a purpose, but the fruits make you identify with Jesus. 

"Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have we cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity." — Matthew 7:22-23, KJV.

By this, I'm not against anointing. It's good that you cast out devils, help people that are sick. But thinking that these works will help you to heaven is a mistake. But getting transformed in the image of Jesus is important, and it happens when you let the Holy Spirit work in you. Let the fruits of the Holy Spirit grow in you so that you become like Jesus. Your character matters.

I learnt that and I worked on my character because it pleased the Father to see a good heart in me. Because what's the use of great power when you have a heart that holds grudges for many people? 

But learn to love, that's the greatest of all you could have — Jesus taught me that.

"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." — 1 Corinthians 13:8, NIV.

All these gifts — the gift of prophecy, knowledge, tongues — can't be compared to the importance of love. I don't say you shouldn't respect them or stop seeking them. Seek them! But love is more important. 

Note what Paul says here, "If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." — 1 Corinthians 13:1, NIV.

Sounds sarcastic but I loved the way he made us understand. Love is important, and that's what Jesus taught me. 

When I came to God, all weary and burdened and lost, my heart longed to know Him so desperately that I just wanted to be what He likes. Whatever!

I heard that He likes humility, so I humbled myself. I saw He likes discipline, and I learned to live a life of discipline. Even though He wouldn't prophesy about me much, I so blindly followed all that He said that you'd even call me crazy but I can't explain to you the way I felt how much He loves me!

It can be offensive to some when I say, why not become a slave to Jesus? Of course, why not? 

Look from the heart of a poet the meaning of the word 'slave' when they use it. That you become a slave to your beloved — Jesus — and submit yourself willingly to Him. Not for humiliation and harsh subjugation but to show how willingly your heart bows before Him for His desires and whims. To do anything for Him and do that in happiness! This is what we call being crazy in love. 

The first and the most important commandment was something that was imprinted in my mind — Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with thy soul, and with all thy mind, Mat. 22:37, KJV. 

I knew I was filthy. Saw spiritually, I was all stained in mire, but He hugged me and kissed me. The God Who can't even look at sin saw me and embraced me. When people couldn't even afford to listen to me, He was there to love me, and if I couldn't even change my nature for Him, honestly... shame on me!

If deeds with a blank heart could impress Him, why would He then say to the Pharisees in Matthew 23:27-28, (KJV), Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchers, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness. Even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity?

Once again I'm not against the anointing given to you for any purpose, but I highlight the importance of a good character. 

Jesus isn't forcing you to become like Him. Just as you learn to spend time with God in prayer and by reading the Bible, you start transforming in His image. 

One thing I've always heard from a girl in our church is that when you pray, you gain something from God. You release something and you gain something. What do you gain and what do you release? Simple! It's that your old man dies, and the new you starts breathing. More and more.

I can give you examples from my life!

I used to become angry over petty issues and would speak harshly to anyone but after experiencing this change, I realized that I get filled with peace and do not react the way I used to do.

Not only that. Once my elder sister announced that she was coming to meet us. Now, she's married and has two kids. My exams were ongoing and I was muttering to God, "God, you know my sister very well! Her kids are really naughty, and she too isn't less. You know the way she tortures us. Now please, let her not stay more than one day, so that I can prepare for my exams calmly!"

I prayed daily for the same thing. She arrived and stayed for more than two days, and nothing changed! Her kid was as naughty as he was when I saw him last time. She also carried her same temper issues and that habit of throwing tantrums but what was so different was that I wasn't bothered even a bit by them! 

I received her happily. I even spent time with her kids. They didn't change but still I was peaceful and happy with them. Why? Because God brought the change in me!

This is the way God works and I truly love that! How long will you pray for problems to be removed from your path? But I learned that we should be filled with the Lord's peace and love to endure in those circumstances. It doesn't sound like a temporary relief, right? It's a permanent happiness one can receive.

I'll tell you the same, guys. 

Be someone to love others, accepting their flaws. Your fellowship with God will change them automatically. But you need to be changed first! Once again, it's for your own good. When you know that God loves you, the Creator of the world is your friend, I don't think any problem can make you react rashly. Come on, you need to chill that the Lord of all creation is your friend. 

Knowing God is peace. 

I meet people who don't have good intentions and in their eyes, I see the cunningness to destroy. But I'm filled with such peace that I can smile at them and know either they'll be changed or nothing will harm me because my Shepherd is Jesus.

That's how actually the Holy Spirit changed me and I'll say it, you couldn't ask for a better gift from God.

For me, He became my friend and taught me everything. 

I won't say that you'll not need humans to be your friends. God blesses man to man, of course, but the love of God is the most precious thing you can have.

I don't know why I'm writing it here but I want people to know and understand deeply that Jesus can heal you. He is the best physician. He is someone who will receive you without judging you, and it's another beautiful thing about God.

In my life, I never enjoyed judgments being passed on me because I used to say, if they can't listen to or understand me, they have no right to accuse me for anything they do not know about. However, I have come to handle this all with the peace in me that is given by Jesus.